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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

01:02:48

Episode 110: Bildo Diaz Nuts

Umpire Pants ·

2019/09/30

Mary's a secret Juggalo. Farmers Markets. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Good farmers market lip balm. Shit List of the Week: Body language and handwriting experts. Mary's turning into a real Chong. Recording dreams and Kelley's disturbing confession. We try out our new joke segment: Beat You to the Punchline! We test out one of the hints from last week – lemon + salt for cleaning copper. Kelley's Hint List! Use the proper thread when darning. Clean areaways to prevent flooding. How to

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01:04:42

Episode 109: Old Doddering Fucks

Umpire Pants ·

2019/09/23

Mary’s coming in hot on this one folks! SloJos on GoFos. Bill's follow-up from last week: License plates, toothpicks, and Ham radios. Shit List of the Week: Mary’s doctor experience and the medical industry. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Perfume Commercials and hummingbirds. Smoky and the Bandit should be remade with a modern premise and cast. We hold grudges in this family. Kelley tries to talk to a stranger. Kelley’s Hint List! Use soft water. Polishing foggy wood furniture. Keeping

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01:03:14

Episode 108: Bark Water

Umpire Pants ·

2019/09/16

Weed talk and natural medicines. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: CBD & THC for pain management & Weighted blankets. Shit List of the Week: Personalized license plates. We discuss Ham radio, even though we don’t know what we’re talking about. Distracted driving. Bill starts podcast beef. Secret toothpick email. Everyone watch Cobra tonight, it's nice and short. Kelley's Hint List! More hosiery hints. How to repair a linoleum floor. Filling muffin tins. Turning light molasses dark. Cleaning

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00:58:33

Episode 107: When Everything Was Doilies

Umpire Pants ·

2019/09/10

Sorry for the late posting, guys! New intro jingle. Mary’s back! Can Bill’s family beat him up? Mary’s impressively bad fantasy football draft, and how our dad picked his team name. Toaster talk. Kelley’s a fare-skipper now. Shit List of the Week: People who think they’re qualified to give advice for no reason, and non hand washers. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pilot Bravo pens and safety razors. Kelley’s Hint List! Use scarves to protect your collar. Cover jelly with paraffin. Hard to

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00:59:25

Episode 106: One Hand on the Misto

Umpire Pants ·

2019/09/02

Crack open a cold joint, and hear Kelley’s gross story about a wet one. We’ve got an iron update! Shit List of the Week: The term Baby Bump and Baby on Board Stickers. Kelley gets a medical term wrong. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Fried Shallots. Bill teases an upcoming segment – Can his family beat him up? Kelley tells a rambling story about wearing a skirt downtown, and trying to make a purchase at Target. Kelley’s Hint List! Use your (vacuum) cleaner attachments. Check floors to save rugs

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00:55:55

Episode 105: The Potato Principle at Work

Umpire Pants ·

2019/08/26

No more movie talk. The 2000s are confusing to talk about when it comes to decades. Shit List of the Week: The Disney Corporation. Kelley gets her only “fact” about 2005 wrong (she was not married in 2006). Bill’s movie review of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The movie Young Einstein. Mary emails in from Costa Rica. Shit List of the Week: The terms “hubby” and “hubs” and car dealerships. Online comment sections. Kelley’s second favorite teacher. How long can we

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01:17:04

Episode 104: OLD EP WARNING! Best Ofs

Umpire Pants ·

2019/08/19

Hi Nutballs. Unfortunately we don’t have a new show this week. Bill is sick and Mary is in Costa Rica, and everyone voted against me interviewing the cats and harassing Herman to talk. Please enjoy this old episode of Best Ofs, and hey, tell your friends to check this one out if they’ve never listened!

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00:58:11

Episode 103: Limpy Lettuce

Umpire Pants ·

2019/08/12

Kelley starts off with the wrong episode number, we're doing great, folks! Some dick and ball talk off the top. Movies from 2003. Joke Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pirate Bay. Mary emails from Costa Rica. The Wizard of Oz. Judy Garland. Impossible Burgers coming to Burger King and other fast food. Restaurant reviews. Crappy syndication shows. Kelley's weird encounter with a stranger. Giving directions to strangers. We try to remember the real Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The Bash

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01:02:44

Episode 102: Good Smashy Sounds

Umpire Pants ·

2019/08/05

Enjoy the seagull sounds in this one, guys! Movies from 2002. Bill’s Hood River camping adventure. Mary emails with a Shrek memory. Mariners and hometown loyalty. Hockey team. Stadium food and drinks. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The Show Man Down. Kelley’s Hint List! Put a pail of water in a freshly painted room. Freshen up veils with gum arabic. Old timey pharmacies. Love for drugstores. Bill’s nailing hint. Removing fog from furniture. Separating dates and raisins. Ironing linen hint

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00:57:35

Episode 101: I'm Really Good at Acrobats

Umpire Pants ·

2019/07/29

It's episode 101! (You didn't miss 100, it's still coming.) Movies from 2001. Bill goes by Bildo Ballbags now. Listening to Kenny G in dad's 80s Fiat. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Eating Cereal with Ice Cream. Weedies. Getting too high. Break. Mary is here and she's drinking random stuff from a farmers market in Costa Rica. Kelley's hint list: Baking potatoes quickly (Mary gets mad at this one, or maybe just tea-crazy). Re-doing a previous hint about blemished produce. Shop deliberately

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01:07:45

Episode 99: Gas Tank for Dick and Balls

Umpire Pants ·

2019/07/22

Movies from 1999. Lots of good ones. Follow-up: We have one person claiming the hand in water trick works. Watch the TV show Spaced. MD 20/20 burger. Buckfast. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Documental. Kelley’s Hint List. Mary joins from Costa Rica! Use cold water on pie crust. Mary is against other options. Clutch repair hint. (Note from Kelley regarding the pet rat we found in my dad’s car: It belonged to the neighbor of the guy he bought it from, and we were able to catch it in a live trap

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01:02:58

Episode 98: Astronaut Hunks

Umpire Pants ·

2019/07/15

Bill’s back! Catching up on movies from 1997. Movies from 1998. Earthquake talk. New Nextdoor segment? Making French toast with angel food cake. We should do restaurant reviews. WE ARE SKIPPING EP 100 until Mary is back in Seattle. Kenny Roberts Break. Mary calls in from Costa Rica. Ant and Bat update. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Christmas in July. Crappy cars. Frozen bananas make Kelley feel sick. Kelley’s Hint List! Removing nail polish stains. Cooking cracked eggs. Ice Cream Truck of the

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00:50:25

Episode 97: Worst Case Get a Biscuit

Umpire Pants ·

2019/07/08

Mary is leaving to Costa Rica, but she gets to see the Pride parade. We don’t have the content for an all balls episode. Art cars. Pedicures. Biscuits. Mary’s restaurant review/Shit List of the Week: Stop putting spicy stuff in food that’s not normally spicy without warning people! Baked gnocchi update. Eggs Benedict rules, and Mary naming recipes. Messing up poutine in the states. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Dogs that have best friends that are other dogs. Mary hates Russel’s new headphones

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01:11:44

Episode 96: Dick Ball Cooper

Umpire Pants ·

2019/07/01

Mary claims to like Italian food. Movies from 1996. Somehow Mary is explaining the plot of something again. Ross and Marshall’s shopping. Mary’s Shit List of the Week – mean dogs in stores. Mary is fired up about kids and cell phones. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Mini Watermelon’s, Ice Cream Trucks. Food trucks. It’s Mary’s bedtime. Dad’s tooth. Hints: Making jam and jelly. Kelley and Bill are being removed by CPS. Keeping cauliflower white. Substituting flour for corn starch. Getting

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01:02:39

Episode 95: I’ve Seen an Assload of Plays

Umpire Pants ·

2019/06/24

Have you seen our posters? Bill’s mayo promise. Movies from 1995. Scary movies make Bill cry. Stephen King. Should Mary cosplay as Kevin Smith? Costumed scammers in big cities. Watch Muppet lip synching videos. Climate change is real. Heaven’s Gate Cult confusion. Bill is a tiny man. Mary gets Matthew McConaughey and Owen Wilson confused. Mary tries to say there is no music in the Wizard of Oz. Marys Shit List of the Week: Driving in the left lane (she’s on the wrong side of history here

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01:04:00

Episode 94: Mom, they’re not like water balloons.

Umpire Pants ·

2019/06/17

Movies from 1994. Doing mushrooms and watching Pulp Fiction. Cold Comfort Farm confusion. Jeopardy spoilers. Shared experiences. Comic books. Not everyone online is our age. Kelley’s old and looking at weeknight pasta recipes. Baking gnocchi. Skippers meet-up. Modern Family. Piss Bomb parody song. Mary can’t sing. We invented the Charlton dance. Break. Hints! Repeat hanging clothes hint (Mary’s not allowed to mark her own anymore.) What to do with your wet furs. Washing iron ware. Level

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01:05:28

Episode 93: We Should Be Silent While We Do This...

Umpire Pants ·

2019/06/09

Cola. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Corporations and Pride. Mary’s tips for the Pride Parade. Piss Bomb parody song. How Mary kills flies. Weird Amazon finds. Weird Al Break. Missing facts from Mary’s story. Hints! Juice your orange juice the night before. Use less cooking water with vegetables. Removing iodine. We’re bad with distances. Re-using old men’s suits. Washing lampshades. Don’t crack jelly jars with this tip. Mary takes down nutritional yeast. Removing Vaseline. Kelley’s

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00:58:49

Episode 92: If You’re Gonna Tell me About Curtains...

Umpire Pants ·

2019/06/03

Major Black Stallion Spoilers! Felix’s movie review. Bill was right about Game of Thrones. Bowling on TV. Bill has a temporary fu-manchu. Movies from 1992. Pike Place Market. Chris Rock isn’t in good movies. NBA Finals. Mary thinks she’s lovey dovey. Canada hasn’t won a championship since 1993. Why do people hate Drake so much? Mary’s weird eating habits. Mary doesn’t know Kelley’s initials. What goes around comes around when you make fun of your parents. Hints! Using leftover egg yolks

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01:07:43

Episode 91: Tug on My Wig and Then Kiss My Ass

Umpire Pants ·

2019/05/28

Movies from 1991. Vera’s email. (Stranger Than Fiction is the Will Ferrel movie Kelley couldn’t remember.) Fried Green Tomatoes. Fried Okra. Nate Bargatze. We’re betting on Jeopardy, because Mary has an insane theory. Jon Ritter’s hair. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Self Care. Gross Reddit comment of the week. Piss Bombs (not the episode title, you’re welcome). Presidential candidates. Hints! Hem your cleaning clothes. Scatter rugs and fringe. Rinse your cooking utensils. Tips for

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01:01:54

Episode 90: Flopping or Stabbing?

Umpire Pants ·

2019/05/20

Movies from 1990. Total Recall graffiti. Kelley’s hair issues. Mary’s beard issues. Dated fashion trends. Umpire Pants tattoos - Double Wangy. Restaurant service and Mother’s Day. Happy ending to Bill’s furnace story. Scam Alert: Don’t use North America HVAC! Compost worm box. Beetle boxes. Whale Museum. Updates on ammonia candy, Buster Keaton on the Twilight Zone, and Black Angus locations. Seagally. Hints! Revive wilted asparagus. Tinting coconut. Painting your radiator. Peel

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278 results

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