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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

01:14:13

Episode 89: Double Wangy

Umpire Pants ·

2019/05/14

We recorded this on on Friday and I don't really remember what we talked about except old movies and our mayo test. I do remember that Kelley asked me if I could upload it and I said "of course!" and now here it is Monday night, 24 hours later and I didn't even listen to it. But I'm sure its great and the mayo was good.

en

01:03:37

Episode 88: I don’t Care, I’ll Eat Mayonnaise

Umpire Pants ·

2019/05/06

Movies from 1988. There have been so many body switching movies. A Fish Called Wanda was a big deal. You should be watching I Think You Should Leave if you like sketch comedy. Kelley wins by getting a company to send a product! Upcoming Duke’s Mayo taste test and what to test it with. Princess Bays. Avengers End Game non-talk. We’re on Spotify! Bill gets 1920s birthday gifts. Hoodys Nuts. Underage drinking at weddings. Jeopardy is messing with our schedule. Is chili quiche a good idea?

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01:05:13

Episode 87: How Does a Rock Make Stuff Softer?

Umpire Pants ·

2019/04/29

Avengers Endgame is not the name of our podcast. Movies from 1987. Episodes without Bill are not cannon. Raising Arizona robot. Bill wants Mary to admit Nick Cage is a good actor, but we talk about whether he’s hot. More Avengers Endgame talk. Oklahoma Thunder lost. White Russians. Star Wars talk. Email from Vera. Test intros. Marvel movies. Naugahyde. Jokes are a Flat Circle (Runner Up Ep Title). Tim Goes to the Mayor Gary Busy story. Is Mary lying on government forms? Mary’s Shit

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00:55:52

Episode 86: Raising Arizona Special 420 Episode

Umpire Pants ·

2019/04/22

Bill is gone, and Mary and Kelley need content for the show. For some reason Mary agrees to consume some legal marijuana, watch a movie, and talk about it. Can the ladies stay on topic while under the influence, without their host? No they can’t. They can’t even talk some of the time because they’re laughing too hard. Just when it should be over, they try to do the hint segment, and it doesn’t go well. Empire Pants Out!

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01:07:24

Episode 85: I think we talked about Back to the Future

Umpire Pants ·

2019/04/15

I didn’t listen to this one, guys. I had a whole two weeks, and I didn’t do it. -Kelley

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01:06:35

Episode 84: No Luke Biscuits

Umpire Pants ·

2019/04/08

The 1984 Olympics. McDonalds contests. Insurance re-cap. Ghostbusters. Movie talk. We made up a biscuit challenge. Horse camp. Van Halen. Hoyt Axton. Mary doesn’t like anything. Crème Brule. Dozen donut challenge? Homer Price. Vanilla ice cream debate. Hoyt Axton Break. Hints! Buy your own book to play along. Fly ash and furnish hints. Canned fruit juice on puddings. Dad shows off his short shorts. Timing your long distance calls. Vacuum suits Wash your car on your lawn (Mary’s

en

01:04:45

Episode 83: Ladies Love Big Foreskins

Umpire Pants ·

2019/04/01

All insurance hints episode. I mean, it’s all 1940s insurance hints…what do you want me to say? I’m sorry we did this to you guys. -Kelley

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01:02:19

Episode 82: Old Mermen

Umpire Pants ·

2019/03/25

E.T. came out in 1982. Logan’s Run. Mary is hung over. Kelley’s snot-take. We have no topics. Bill doesn’t acknowledge honorary royal titles. Don’t Worry be Happy and What’s Up have the same melody? Axle Rose’s voice. Seeing stand-ups live. Felix was in Bye Bye Birdie. Rude phone users. Playbill ads. Break. Pearson’s Nut Roll taste test. Bit-O-Honey to catch fish. Hints! Pea pods add flavor to soup. Keep eggs in the fridge so they last longer. Kelley can’t say our email address. Use

en

01:05:06

Episode 81: Always Bake Molasses Cake

Umpire Pants ·

2019/03/18

Kelley Intros. Bills isn’t really fired. Raiders of the Lost Ark movie recommendation. Kelley’s birth year. Bill’s sentimental story. People watching and bad tattoos. Mary is requiring us to get tattoos when she dies. Ben and Jerry’s update. Herman’s song confusion. Umpire Pants needs to try to get free stuff. Mom thinks we boned it last week. Tire disposal and tacky planters. Bossy kids. Cutesy error messages. Break. Hints! Weatherproofing your house to save energy. Eat cauliflower

en

01:04:34

Episode 80: Foam Boy

Umpire Pants ·

2019/03/11

Felix intros. Mt. St. Helens. Tsunamis. Dollar Chinese Food. Netti Pot safety. Allergies. Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. Pot stickers. Sea monkeys and Triops. Cocaine accessories. Assless Chaps. Best phrases in the English language. Personal hygiene hints. Best Ofs. Fish. Japanese food. Hints! Hat care. Eat mixed greens in salad. Drapes and pinch plaits. Aluminum ware dents. Moths. Combine old lipstick. Glamorize your shelves. Umpire Pants Out!

en

01:02:35

Episode 79: Honk a Car

Umpire Pants ·

2019/03/05

Testing microphones. Tiny animals. Yardbirds and Ernst talk. Pearson's Nut Roll Log. Banana bread challenge, with monk fruit sugar vs. regular white sugar. The internet is getting worse. Betting on crow incubation. Mom's peepin' story. Bill is wearing real pants. No false hope this February. Best Ofs. Real meat of or fake meat. Onions or no onions. Favorite fruit. Mom hates cookies. Hints. Use flower for crispy fries. Cake decorating hint gets heated. Use light colored paint for a

en

01:03:47

Episode 78: Mom's Banksy

Umpire Pants ·

2019/02/25

Felix Intro’s. Preschool memories. Running away from home. Coffee cake. Rollerskating. Street art. Bill has bad eyesight. Break. Welcome back shitnuts! Oriss Root Challenge follow-up. Sugar taste test challenge follow-up. Felix’s Best Ofs, Chips v. Crackers. Clove oil for tooth pain. Whore Hound. Hints. Use a scarf to keep clothes clean. Kelley is going to shred the hint list. Put an apple you your tobacco. Chintz fabric. Paper airplane live on the air. Umpire pants out

en

01:05:37

Episode 77: Dried out Bull Donger

Umpire Pants ·

2019/02/18

Star Wars year. Reigning in Mary. Id/Ego/Superego. Snow. We're sitting in the wrong order. Mary needs to watch Raising Arizona still. We haven't seen each other since the Super Bowl. Kelley Hates the Red Green show more than she should. Muffins with shortening, upcoming challenge? Mary talks celebrities and Kelley and Bill don't. Simon update. Andrew Gold Break. Kelley wins the darned sock challenge. Hints. Porcupines vs. hedgehogs. Best Bird. Stockings/Garters. 9-to-5. Rubber tape

en

00:59:31

Episode 76: Spy on Skippers

Umpire Pants ·

2019/02/11

We fucked up the first recording. Bill's not here. Snow. Banana ice cream tips. Baby food jars. Brill Cream. Burning stuff on pans. Brillo Pads. Super Bowl half time shows. Upcoming follow-ups. Weirdest customers of the day. Mary is watching Raising Arizona. Feed the hummingbirds in the winter! Mary is going to spy on Skippers. Felix’s Best Ofs. Dog Breed. Color Combo. Chip Like Snack. Colored Pencils Vs. Colored Pens. Hints! Test cakes with toothpicks. Clean bacon rinds. Color fast

en

01:16:11

Episode 75: And I Don’t Know How This Pie Works, Either

Umpire Pants ·

2019/02/05

Sorry for posting late, Nutballs! Mary starts out mad. Driving backwards through a drive-through. Upcoming episodes. Skippers. Cassette tapes. This is a Jerry Reed podcast now. Dental work. Power Hour negotiations. Mary doesn’t know how much anything costs. Mary wants us to go to a tea shop instead of camping. Cop cars and broken cars. White Snake. Mom doesn’t drive. Tickets. Mary drives backwards fast. Break. New Felix’s Best Ofs: Cat Type, Digital or Analog Clocks. Calculator

en

01:03:41

Episode 74: Leave it Lay in Log Font

Umpire Pants ·

2019/01/28

Kelley here, I didn't listen to this ep, so no notes this week. Hope you enjoy.

en

01:09:08

Episode 73: That Darned Sock

Umpire Pants ·

2019/01/21

Kelley intros. Ringo star. We’re not ranking shit. I lost the new best-of notebook. Darning update. Regional kids stuff. Batman. Laughing during story telling. Corner Gas. Ketchup vs. Catsup. Skippers. Monk fruit sugar substitute. Careful with your edibles. Ringo Star break. Mary’s murdering listeners. Kelley’s Hint List. Our show doesn’t use Price as Right Rules. Spay and neuter your animals. Vaccinate you kids. Winston Churchill. Vera’s email and hints. Top Pot Donuts (also in

en

01:01:56

Episode 72: I See You Riding Bland and Gamy

Umpire Pants ·

2019/01/14

Meat Eaters Opinion. Weed strains and working high. Borat. Nightmares. Kelley’s childhood nickname. Driving with your lights off. Getting receipts. Break. Pepsi Challenge. Pepsi versus Coke. KFC. Diet Coke versus Coke Zero Sugar. Sprite versus 7-Up. Best Cake Flavor. Octopi versus Squid. Kelley’s Hint List and I stopped listening to the rest of th

en

01:08:51

Episode 71: Big Wookie Makes Me Sad

Umpire Pants ·

2019/01/07

Micros recording dreams. Breakfast tortellini. Pork rinds’ time to shine. If you can crawl you’re meat – seafood. Eggnog and 7-Up. Ewoks and Star Wars. Shout out to Guitar Center (Tyler). Darning update. Christmas tree bonfire 2019. Childhood lunchboxes. AM/PM burgers. Jack and the Box Tacos. Burger King Nuggets. Lizzo Break. Eggnog taste test. Old people like mint. Mr. Fireball. Pepsi Challenge coming up. Kelley’s Hint List: Boil Potatoes to Soak Up Too Much Salt. Vacuum Up Your

en

01:01:09

Episode 70: Happy New Year

Umpire Pants ·

2018/12/31

We talk about a bunch of stuff, take a donut break, pay off a bit, and do hints.

en

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