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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

00:50:53

Episode 243: Everything Doesn’t Suck, I Got a New Watch

Umpire Pants ·

2022/06/10

We’re back, baby! We have an Ice Cream Truck of the Week right up top! The Phony Call-y show, a podcast Kelley has been enjoying. Bill went to his Spanish speaking neighbor’s house for the first time! Mary found out about online sports gambling and we’re worried about this development. Mary was mean to the aquarium lady. Mary has a new waffle recipe. We have no sympathy for your June Gloom LA. Mary got a new watch at Costco and we trick her into a shopping spree. Kelley and Bill used to share a

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00:00:24

Ice Cream Truck of the Week!

Umpire Pants ·

2022/06/09

Hey guys! We'll be back tomorrow with an all new episode, but check out our Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The Phoney Call-y Show Podcast. Despite the fact Kelley Can't remember the first OR last name of one of the hosts, it's one of her current favs!

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00:42:07

Episode 242: I Have an Oven Mitt, I Have a Spatula

Umpire Pants ·

2022/05/21

It’s mid-May movie talk! Mary brings a list of movies she likes and the variety is astounding. Rant and Rave: Spicy food strikes again. Kelley has some walking around stories. Mary was impressed by a guy’s purchase at Goodwill. Greenhouse prank or earthquake? We steal another Colbert Question: What happens when you die. Mary would hate Coffin Flop, even though it’s so good (everyone watch I Think You Should Leave on Netflix!) Is not having a toaster like not having a purse? Kelley’s Hint List! Redo

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00:52:57

Episode 241: Big Dog Big Problems

Umpire Pants ·

2022/05/14

Happy Mother’s Day to all who celebrate. It’s been cold, but spring is springing. Kelley was in Canada recently, enjoying their legal weed, and eating lots of dessert. Mary got a free room at a Casino and doesn’t understand how other people are spending so much gambling. Is astrology being more popular a bad omen? Kelley tried to pay for some tiny peppers recently and it was a whole thing. Purse thefts. Mary rates her cats and they’re not making the honor roll. We steal the Colbert Questions again

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00:46:15

Episode 240: There’s always the Lure of Dick’s

Umpire Pants ·

2022/05/06

We’re back with Bill on the phone. Have you heard the limited edition episode, No. 238? Listen before we take it down. We talk about squirrels and raccoons and Kelley has to bring up an upsetting baby rabbit antidote for some reason. Bill tries to explain a vaporizer to Mary. We tell some stories of asshole geese. Mary went to the Smith Tower bar and recommends it but the elevator might be dicey. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Mariners Baseball and Claws the TV show. Shit List of the Week: Annoying

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01:00:37

Episode 139.1: Rerun Episode 192: We’ll Have to...

Umpire Pants ·

2022/04/29

Sorry for the re-run, folks! We'll be back soon with fresh new episodes, but enjoy this one from a year ago this week!

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01:07:09

Episode 239: Mom Had to Go to the Doctor She Had the...

Umpire Pants ·

2022/04/22

Was it a good idea to record at 11:30pm in a hotel room in Gresham, Oregon? No! Did we redeem ourselves by recording at 10:00am the next day? Not really! We’re recording on Easter, and generally have good holidays in our family. Shout out to our youngest listener, and a quick chat about kids books. We discuss our food choices over the weekend. Please visit WOOD VILLAGE BURRITO SHOP if you’re ever in the Troutdale area of Oregon. We have some new weed accessories. We have some GET OUT SPOILERS so

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00:50:01

Episode 238: It’s Exciting Times in Toaster Town

Umpire Pants ·

2022/04/15

We’re not sure what the DJ truck is all about, but it’s back and we love it. Bill’s an old man yelling at guys in parking lots. Rock tumbling update. Kelley’s bad a domestic stuff, but she found some sunglasses that can stand up to her funny business. You can watch full Letterman eps on Youtube. Mary claims she invented roasted asparagus. We have a bit of PeeWee Herman talk. We’re right on time talking about The Slap. Mary watched Cruella for the costumes after the Oscars. Ice Cream Truck of the

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00:46:24

Episode 237: Bingo Bilbo

Umpire Pants ·

2022/04/12

We’re in person again! But Bill is grumpy because there was no parking in Seattle. We explain what a bell-end is to our mom, using hand drawn pictures. Mary has a foot injury and a dubious home remedy. Mary is furious at another server. Bill’s gout corner. Nextdoor update and unfounded fear. Kelley had an offseason Seafair Pirate sighting. We contemplate the 24 Hours of Lemons race. Kelley steals Mary’s segment: Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Kelley’s Hint List Tips for oiling your piano. Nail paper to

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00:44:31

Episode 236: I Don’t Let Furnace Guys Touch my Furnace

Umpire Pants ·

2022/04/01

Episode 236: I Don’t Let Furnace Guys Touch my Furnace by Umpire Pants

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00:40:31

Episode 235: Kelley’s Gonna Use the Hotdog Method on ‘Em

Umpire Pants ·

2022/03/25

Bill’s calling in from the Podcast Shed, but he’s fresh of a Sparks show and feeling good. Kelley and Mary are about to go to Jackie Kashian at the Crocodile. The podcast gets interrupted by a mouse, so Kelley disappears for a minute, but what an opportunity to tell some mouse stories! Rant and Rave – Can we guess the one Mary wrote? As always, yes we can. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Tulips! Rest in Peace to local Seattle sports broadcasting great John Clayton. The Seattle Aquarium is The Bomb,

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00:33:32

Episdoe 234: Douglas the Squirrel is Being Bad Boy?

Umpire Pants ·

2022/03/19

We’re off to a great start, with no sound check, but we’re all together! Mary and Bill went to Nate Bargatze at the Moore, and it was great, but the crowd was a bit belligerent. Mary has a dead mouse situation. Bill has a theory that no one is very smart. We have a roundabout conversation about Cheaper by the Dozen and do a Reader’s Digest quiz. Kelley’s Hint List! Eliminate colored bulbs for energy savings. Hang pants by the cuffs to remove wrinkles. Choose proper material for draperies. Umpire

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00:31:05

Epidose 233: Does It Sound like a Human Did This?

Umpire Pants ·

2022/03/12

Kelley and Mary are on a girl’s trip, and we have Bill on the phone! We reminisce about Mary breaking her collarbone last time she visited Orcas Island. Mary wants recordings of her favorite farts, or something? Bill is a little further into the Avengers, and he can’t even commit to finishing, unless they change the animation style to “Roger Rabbit.” The trend of dark movies and shows. Does Mary ever get sick? We don’t know, but she does get stuck in an elevator! Kelley’s Hint List! Use traction

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00:28:29

Episode 232: Who's on First Special!

Umpire Pants ·

2022/03/07

Sorry for the super late release, this week, folks! But we have a super special show for you, the long awaited Who's on First episode! Bill and Kelley try reading the bit made famous by Abbott and Costello. Then Kelley and Mary give it a go, and pull an amazing mid-script switcharoo! Enjoy! Umpire Pants Out!

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00:43:24

Episode 231: Who Does Bubo Belong?

Umpire Pants ·

2022/02/26

We’re live in person, and using Bill’s creaky table! We recap our Super Bowl party. Has the Random Restaurant bot Twitter account make you want to visit anywhere? What do Recycle Bitch and Sugar Tits have in common? Bill watched Bullitt. Max gets antsy so we take an early break. The French Connection also has a car chase scene. Mary’s mad at a podcast she hasn’t even listened to you yet. Are we going to have to spend the night in a haunted house? We’re doing Who’s on First next week. Clash of

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00:48:24

Episode 230: Nobody Likes Magic or Everybody Likes Magic

Umpire Pants ·

2022/02/18

We recorded this before the Superbowl, but Bill’s prediction that Kelley didn’t understand was dead on. Update on Douglas, the Squirrel. What do the movies Never Cry Wolf and Doc Hollywood have in common? Who remembers Dudley Moore? Mary has a controversial Rant and Rave printed in the paper. Mary’s Red Robin penny scheme. Finding lost objects. Should our family invent a birthday song? Kelley’s Hint List! Smush your old gross soap together! We discuss why we were all so impacted by the Irish

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00:59:06

229.1: RERUN ALERT - Episode 179: I Got to Go for A...

Umpire Pants ·

2022/02/10

YOU GUYS, WE ARE STILL DOING THE PODCAST, WE'RE JUST STRUGGLING THROUGH FEBRUARY. WE'LL SEE YOU SOON BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR NUTBALLS!!! XOXO KELLEY AND THE GANG The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day. We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going. Making an everyday activity your hobby. We get an impressive stair update! Guess what celebrities has Mary been compared

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00:33:46

Episode 229: Okay, Nutballs are Acceptable

Umpire Pants ·

2022/02/04

Bill is gone, Mary is hungry and hung-over, and I’m not going to lie, this one is a shit show. Felix is here, though! Mary went out howling last night, even though she’s doing dry January. We get back on track with Rant and Raves. There is playoff football on, so Mary is distracted. School update from Felix. Ramen talk. Mary has a message just for Christy! Listen up! Kelley’s Hint List! How to revive a velvet gown. Use an old blanket to protect linoleum from your appliances. Don’t use oil

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00:30:53

Episode 228: Latex Balloons, No Shit

Umpire Pants ·

2022/01/28

It’s a Mary and Kelley Ep, because Bill has COVID-19. Sorry about that, but we’ll be back on track someday. Not next week, though, Bill is out again then, but seriously, someday! The delight of a sunny day in the middle of a rainy January. Mary is taking a new jewelry class, and, not to brag, she hasn’t even glued her fingers together yet! We try to talk about Meatloaf, the singer, but we don’t have a lot to say, since we’re not fans. We remember Louis Anderson. Mary has a rubber balloon update.

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00:31:19

Episode 228: Murdered by the Ice and Snow

Umpire Pants ·

2022/01/21

I explain why this is being released late (but not why it’s still a day late, give me a break). Pandemic isn’t going great, folks, and Covid-19 has finally hit our family. Weather report: bong breaking cold. We wonder why you’d do yoga outside this time of year. We share dumb things we wrote down this week, brighter lights, jack in the boxes, and connecting the dots on detective shows. Cool dudes standing up for cancelled men. The High and Mighty podcast gave Kelley a good dumpling idea. Kelley’s

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