Wrath of Pod

After Sarah dies, Abraham pushes his HR policies to breaking point to recruit his oldest servant into getting a wife for Isaac. After surpassing the lowest bar imaginable, and impressed by some new bling, Rebekah returns with the servant and finds Isaac “meditating” in a field. It’s a match made in heaven…until he insists that their first time is inside his dead mom’s tent. The awkwardness continues as Isaac and Ishmael reunite for Abraham’s funeral and God gets sloppy drunk and botches the eulogy

Sarah laughs at God and Abraham talks back. But God’s taking it easy this week by destroying only two cities instead of the whole world. We see first-hand why Sodom and Gomorrah were in God’s crosshairs. Lot and his family escape to a cave where his daughters bring incest back in a big way. Abraham finally gets in on that trend with a huge reveal: His wife is also his half-sister!? At least they finally have the child they’ve been promised, who stirs up some perilous sibling rivalry and then is

Abram pretends that his wife is his sister so she can sleep with the Pharaoh. God isn’t impressed by this trick, so it’s time for a plague. God avoids math by getting Abram to count the stars to figure out his total number of descendents. Speaking of descendents, Abram has a baby with Sarai’s maid, leading to cat-fighting chaos in the family tent. Then, everyone gets circumcised. It’s a lot! (Genesis 12:1–17:27)

In a shocking twist, God hits ctrl-z on the whole world by using a lot of water. Noah receives oddly detailed instructions on building an ark and quickly learns the stinky consequences of living on a boat with hundreds of animals. Noah then eats some of the animals he “saved” before getting super-drunk on homemade wine and cursing out his son, who is unfortunately named Ham. (Genesis 6:9-11:32)

It’s the pilot episode! God wiggles his arms a lot and magics up the world. Later we meet a guy who would totally rat you out in middle school, a woman who used to be a rib, and a smooth-talking snake who’s all about the apples. Too bad God has one very specific rule about that one tree…which everyone breaks. Sibling murder and incest follow! (Genesis 1:1-6:8)