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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

00:54:31

69: All Hints no Bills

Umpire Pants ·

2018/12/24

This is an all Mary and Kelley, all hints episode. I haven't listened to it but there is a very special guest in the second half.

en

01:20:17

68.1: What am I Famous or Something

Umpire Pants ·

2018/12/18

I'm uploading this again as a separate episode, hoping more people will see it. I UPLOADED THE WRONG FILE! This one actually has songs and shit. Super-Nutballs, please re-listen. XOOOO -Kelley Happy Holidays. I guess this isn’t karaoke. We’re the Cohen Brothers of Podcasting. Air travel, talking to Atlanta. Cookie challenge. Malt Balls and Milk Duds. Special guest, dad is here! Milk Duds in the bathroom stall. Boys are gross. Banana bread horror story. Malt Ball cookies. Weird Christmas

en

01:20:17

Episode 68: What am I famous or Something?**Updated**

Umpire Pants ·

2018/12/17

I UPLOADED THE WRONG FILE! This one actually has songs and shit. Super-Nutballs, please re-listen. XOOOO -Kelley Happy Holidays. I guess this isn’t karaoke. We’re the Cohen Brothers of Podcasting. Air travel, talking to Atlanta. Cookie challenge. Malt Balls and Milk Duds. Special guest, dad is here! Milk Duds in the bathroom stall. Boys are gross. Banana bread horror story. Malt Ball cookies. Weird Christmas Tree Dealer. Christmas Trees, just put some branches in your car. Throwing stuff

en

01:07:27

Episode 67: Nardly Steak

Umpire Pants ·

2018/12/10

Kelley intros. Ambient noise. Air travel. Elon Musk is full of shit. Sloths riding bicycles. Cousin Power Hour (upcoming). Kelley can’t say auto-erotic asphyxiation. RIP Jerry Reed. Ape Call by Nervous Norvis (Jimmy Drake) 1956. Milk Dud cookies are good. Malt Ball cookies are upcoming. Upgrades in hotels. Mom can’t or won’t hear us. Herman has to watch gummy bears have sex every day. Catholic Church is bad, gummy bear sex is good and natural. JCMSUP Jesus Christ Made Seattle Under

en

01:06:23

Episode 66: You Can Freeze Gravy

Umpire Pants ·

2018/12/03

We didn’t do an episode last week. Raising Arizona. Black Friday and movies. Thanksgiving and too much gravy. Shout out to Edmonton. Mary’s Thanksgiving was terrible. The flu. Yo Momma. Broken fridge. Cats eating snakes. Simon had diabeetus and now he’s normal. Is mom farting? Lack of Anus. Crank it. How to make tofu from scratch. Paula Poundstone. Ticketmaster sucks balls. Squeeze the beans. Herman’s balls. Mom’s Marty McFlying. God damnit best ofs. Weird NW accent. Best of so

en

01:01:46

Episode 65: Bocephus

Umpire Pants ·

2018/11/19

I didn't listen to much of this one, but i think I made the sound better. Or maybe it just sounds weird in a different way, I don't know. I was working on a car until long after dark so it's pretty impressive I'm uploading this at all.

en

01:05:30

Episode 64: Peach Rings

Umpire Pants ·

2018/11/12

We recorded this today and I didn't listen to it, but Kelley is back so we recorded at her house with Mary still in Costa Rica. We talk about snakes, flashers, eat peach rings, and we're back to Best of So Far and hints.

en

00:49:54

63: Like a Hall and Oates Album Cover

Umpire Pants ·

2018/11/05

I didn't get around to listening to this one but the sound is better. Mary and Kelley are in Costa Rica and we talk about various topics.

en

00:50:25

62: Comically Bad Sound

Umpire Pants ·

2018/10/29

Mary and Kelley are in Costa Rica, Mary is in a bad mood, beach day, worst sounding episode, car for Lily, fixing the sound, alley drinking, weather, Mary gets distracted, ranking animals, fishing for compliments, bad sound, red vines vs twizzlers, World Series, RIP Paul Allen, driving Miss Aunt Mary, power loss, more Aunt Mary, Vera joins us, the sound of your own voice, restaurants, more alley drinking, bicycle desserts, is Vera Bill's sister in law?, coco loco, we lose the connection, Jimmy

en

01:07:55

61: What Are You, Willy Wonka?

Umpire Pants ·

2018/10/22

61: What Are You, Willy Wonka? Bill is back, Mary is not here, holiday episodes, upcoming episodes, Bill's camping trip, yogurt pants, Christy's email->robots and hot dogs->uncle willy/beer->turtles->robot costume->Velvet Underground song (The Gift)->prize, My Two Dads, confirmed bachelor, Gumby, laundry, old McDonald's commercials, BREAK 23:36, Kelley's Hint List: frosting cakes, tuning and voicing pianos, frozen door locks->public urination, keeping uncooked meats fresh and sweet, wrinkly velvet

en

01:00:31

Episode 60: The Chicken Knows What's Up in a Restaurant

Umpire Pants ·

2018/10/15

Al female episode. Channeling other podcasts. Kelley is bad at wires. What does confirmed bachelor mean? Why did television catch on? The Queen’s crown again. Bill’s camping and stinky. First names. Intermission song (I cut this song to two minutes, you’re all welcome.) Strikes work, fight the power, vote in the midterms. Mary was proactive about voting for once. Taking a break from the news. Dick pics. Bathroom emergencies. Golden Girls. Skipping Best Ofs. Girl at bar thinks

en

01:05:35

Episode 59: Bicentennial Salt

Umpire Pants ·

2018/10/08

Mary is in Costa Rica, Mary's fish, IQ test, killing goldfish, bat update, Costa Rica travel tips, Bill's scary neighborhood, raisins vs. quinoa, Sideways update, Halloween updates: parties and masks, we almost lose power, go nuts philosophy, podcast evidence, schooner update, Break 27:47, Best ofs So Far: street, theater, tour, Kelley's Hint List: beet skins, corn on the cob ice pick, we lose Mary, we have to talk forever, apple pie tip, unwrap meat, chimney tree fire, saving antifreeze, Bill

en

01:03:10

Episode 58: I Love Pumpkins to a Degree that is Not...

Umpire Pants ·

2018/10/01

It's our Halloween episode, Bill got a sound board, Mary doesn't like Halloween, yo-yo routine scarecrow, Mary gets a phone call, turds, people not liking you, parties, bobbing for apples, costumes, Blues Brothers, gypsy (roma), wizard, princess, topical costumes, clown, food coloring face, candy, cat costume, pumpkins, we have a breakthrough, contest, Best of So Far, soup, souvenir, statue, Break 50:54, Canadian taste or test: hickory sticks, all dressed chips, taco chips, Puyallup fair, Umpire

en

01:05:44

Episode 57: Mom's Like a Zen Master of Losing Things

Umpire Pants ·

2018/09/25

Why does Bill say the episode number?, poop on Costco, improv, Budweiser margarita commercial, shooting TVs, Bill's Full Metal Jacket edit, Nerf Gun Challenge update, ringing the bar bell, The Wizard by Black Sabbath, army navy store pants, mummies, bringing stuff on planes, Kelley's grocery store old lady bit, good job Storm, SBD/SBV, suicide/graveyard, schooners, creep photographer, only in New York, the Eastside is boring, Redmond Town Center, barefoot in the dressing room, clean streets of

en

01:01:23

56: He's Actually Good, He's a Real Guy

Umpire Pants ·

2018/09/17

We're doing the candle challenge, we're already distracted, RIP Burt Reynolds, shooting Herman challenge/Donut Challenge, Kid Rock and the Insane Clown Posse, relish update, Amazon worker cages, Vera's email, jars for glasses, country music, Simon update, smoke alarm, Nanette, The Good Place/jabot, pergola, candle update, what did Mary call Bill when he was a baby?, giraffe attack, miso, Vera's second email, BREAK 32:30, Best of So Far: room, ruins, seashore, ship, BREAK 44:32, the donut challenge,

en

01:17:03

Best of Volume 1: Peeling Oranges

Umpire Pants ·

2018/09/10

We (well, Kelley) finally did it! It's the first Best Of! Kelley put this together and we sat down to listen to the clips, then talk about the first clip we listened to, then record us talking about that, then immediately record us talking about the second clip, then listen to the 3rd and 4th clips, then talk about them back to back. It was very confusing! But it turned out funny so this is a good episode to tell your friends about. Or your enemies, acquaintances, co-workers, and any individuals

en

01:10:38

55: I'm Just Kidding, I'm Not Murdering Anyone. I...

Umpire Pants ·

2018/09/03

Bill and Kelley's intro, Kelley presents our certificates, nicknames, shout out to dinner, ice cream, horses, bad Little Golden Books, bad songs, eye doctor, murdering listeners, starting a cult, getting Mary to assassinate someone, Doug Baldwin, Fill Yer Belly Deli, Break 25:44, Best of So Far: Restaurant -> El Toreador -> eating a rubber band, River -> Columbia, Beckler, Missisip', Road -> winning a cruise -> Ireland, Costa Rica -> Kitchen Dick Road -> Union Hill Road -> woods party -> finding

en

01:10:13

54: Beanwater 2018

Umpire Pants ·

2018/08/27

Its smoky out, going to the movies, Mary's knee, town names,are knee caps made of cartilage?, opening the car door, smoke advice: A/C, Nosferatu, not knowing names, Beanwater Challenge, email accounts, self-driving cars, jaywalking, Fur Coat Butt update, Beanwater Break, Beanwater 2018, donuts, BREAK, performance, pub, Kelley's Hint List: orange and lemon rinds, car battery, storing canned meats, Umpire Pants Out

en

01:12:00

53: Two Foot Yard Boob

Umpire Pants ·

2018/08/20

Kelley does the intro, radio voices, Podcast Awards, special back to school episode, eggnog, Bellevue Arts and Crafts Fair crack pipes, peek behind the curtain, two foot yard boob, more Arts and Crafts Fair, ya, tv show podcasts, shoes and feet/relationship advice, Bill is panicking, Politalks, office, elephant and popcorn tricks, Seth Rogan, Kelley's Bill Cosby impression, people Bill has seen live who are dead, Phish Vs The Grateful Dead, BREAK 36:40, Kelley brings us back, Bill is tangled in

en

01:07:29

52: Charlie Murphy Bed

Umpire Pants ·

2018/08/13

Beach day, cool guy in a Trans Am, Narduwar the Human Serviette/eh and you know, the word relationship, "and more", clipping toenails, Murphy bed, ventriloquists, almost accident, John Travolta movies, Danny Trejo, no shoes at Target, fan quarterback, best live webcams: Katmai National Park, Cat's Meow Karaoke, first webcam ever, BREAK 39:33 Best of So Far: moment, motel, mountain, Kelley's Hint List: stair safety, celery tops, scrub oranges or potatoes, hubcap hose, chopped meat spoilage, Umpire

en

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