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PODCAST

Stay Soft, Stay Open

A podcast about vulnerability, courage, and creativity. I"m your host, Jieun Ko. staysoftstayopen.substack.com

arts mental health

All Episodes

00:10:56

Gajok, Ep. #40: February 2, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/02/03

Today was an anxiety-filled, grief-heavy day. There is so much death language embedded in our colloquial, day-to-day language. If we compare the pervasiveness of death colloquialism to how deathphobic our society is, it's incredibly ironic and strange. I want to be a part of shifting our culture to using death language more intentionally — like when people are dying. I want to shift our culture away from using death language to describe extremities of emotions or experiences. Death is as

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00:17:13

Gajok, Ep. #39: February 1, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/02/02

I have a habit of tying the way others perceive me to my sense of self-worth and identity. I get anxious when I don't get a lot of external validation, after I do something incredibly vulnerable. I have a habit of changing my mind about a decision I felt confident about, if the way other people respond is not overwhelmingly positive. And even if the reception is overwhelmingly positive, whenever that external validation starts to wane, then the doubts start flooding in. I have come a long way in

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00:14:43

Gajok, Ep. #38: January 31, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/02/01

We did it — we released our first song of the year, “This Body,” today. I am so exhausted, but I feel victorious. "This Body" is a song I wrote in 2020. I wrote it as a declaration of truth over my body, after a long season of feeling deeply at odds with her. As a woman and a human who has lived in my body for 35 years, I have had a very difficult relationship with her. I have hated her for being too fat, too short, too disproportional. I have hated her for being wrong. I have hated her

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00:24:10

Gajok, Ep. #37: January 30, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/31

We did it — we successfully recorded our first song of the year. We had multiple wrenches thrown into the system, making the recording experience more suboptimal than we anticipated, but we maneuvered our way through the obstacles like champions. Today was the least anxious I've ever felt while recording a song, and that is a victory. We successfully recorded a song today, and that is a victory. The last time I sang, and the last time Greg and I played music together, was when 아빠 was dying. A

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00:14:15

Gajok, Ep. #36: January 29, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/30

We're going to *attempt* to record a song tomorrow (Tuesday), and then we are going to *attempt* to release that song on Wednesday. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, fear, and nerves, but also a little bit of hope, excitement, and joy. I've learned about this concept of a first pancake through Mary HK Choi. It comes from an idiom, "The first pancake is always spoiled," which means: don't judge yourself too harshly when you're trying something new. The first pancake's

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00:24:13

Gajok, Ep. #35: January 26, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/27

Today marks the four-month anniversary of 아빠's death. I went to the social security office today to get my name changed on my social security card. I went with Greg, and the man at the booth assumed I was there to get my green card and that I was not an American citizen. "Do you need a green card?" "Are you a U.S. citizen?" This racist incident made me feel small, shitty, and insignificant. All this man saw in me was an Asian woman who was married to a white man. He made me

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00:14:43

Gajok, Ep. #34: January 25, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/25

I wish my Complex PTSD could feel safe. I wish she could feel safe enough to rest, to believe, to trust. I wish she could feel safe enough to hope, to love, to live. I wish she could feel safe enough to feel joy, to smile, to laugh. I wish she could understand that living a life of fear and control does not protect us from life's suffering. I wish she didn't feel like she had to stomp out every positive-feeling-flame. I wish that positive feelings didn't feel like a threat to her system

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00:18:53

Gajok, Ep. #33: January 24, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/25

Today, I was triggered by two separate Korean Americans making self-hating, anti-Asian "jokes" on social media. It reminded me of my past, and how I used to do the exact same thing. It makes me sad to think about how much I used to hate myself, without even knowing it. It makes me sad to think about how many times I abandoned and betrayed myself and my own community, just so I could fit in with people who blatantly disrespected me. It makes me sad to think about how much I wanted the

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00:17:01

Gajok, Ep. #32: January 23, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/24

I went to the Kings County Civil Court office and picked up my official name change documents today. I felt sad about officially losing Chi Un Ko. I felt sad about losing a middle name. I felt ambivalent about getting the name change documents because, as much as I've loved being Jieun, being Jieun has also been incredibly hard. I also didn't realize that I've been going by Jieun for more than two years. I didn't realize it had been that long. After 아빠 died, I considered making his

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00:19:19

Gajok, Ep. #31: January 22, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/23

I'm going to the courthouse tomorrow to pick up my official name change documents, so I can have all of my forms of identification reflect my real name. I get called "Chi" at all of my doctor's appointments and I don't like still having to be Chi in certain spaces. But I'm sad about officially losing Chi — she carried me through so many years and so much life. When 아빠 was dying and I was sharing videos of him and my family in his dying days, my friend said to me, "I

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00:11:29

Gajok, Ep. #30: January 19, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/20

What if we praised ourselves for the smallest of things? What if we praised ourselves on our worst days? What if we praised ourselves for simply existing? I am practicing praising myself for the smallest of things, for surviving my worst days, and for simply existing — because these are all epic feats, in and of themselves. Join me? Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:10:31

Gajok, Ep. #29: January 18, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/19

Today was a very difficult day. C-PTSD is my very unstable friend, that I never asked for, who won't leave me alone. Fearful Jieun was kicked into high gear today — she has to take up all the space, and her warped opinions have to be the ultimate truth. Why do I have such a loud, critical internal voice during the moments when I need tenderness, kindness, and compassion the most? Why couldn't my parents have been better models of self-compassion, so that I wouldn't have to teach it to

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00:13:15

Gajok, Ep. #28: January 17, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/18

I gave my seat to an elderly Chinese man on the train this morning. He was probably in his 70s or 80s. He reminded me of 아빠. He only had one glove on, he was carrying a filled, light blue, plastic bag, he wore glasses, he was skinny, he was short, and he was a little hunched over. He looked like he had lived a hard life, as so many immigrants do. He probably got on at Grand Street, and he got off two stops later, at West 4th Street, Washington Square Park. When he got off the train, Greg sat next to

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00:09:36

Gajok, Ep. #27: January 16, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/17

It snowed last night, into this morning. The snow reminds me of 아빠. It reminds me that I can't call him, and he can't call me. It reminds me that I can't watch him show me on FaceTime how much it's snowing in Virginia. It reminds me that I can't show him on FaceTime how much it's snowing in New York. It reminds me of the words he would've said to me on a day like this — words he will never be able to say again, words I will never be able to hear again. "지! 옷 단단히 입어

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00:13:54

Gajok, Ep. #26: January 15, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/16

Thinking about anxious and avoidant attachment as a vending machine has been incredibly helpful for me — Fruit Snacks, Mentos, and Oreos. To all my anxiously attached homies out there — we deserve reciprocity, we don't have to earn love, worth, or approval, and we don't have to fix people. Let other people fix their own vending machines. Funny story: my mom put Nivea and Vaseline on her face and legitimately looked like a 귀신. I recorded a video of her, we laughed so hard, and these tender

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00:17:43

Gajok, Ep. #25: January 12, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/13

My right eye has popped blood vessels. My mom made us 떡만두국 and told us a story about how, in the old days, Koreans only ate meat three times a year — your birthday, 추석, and 설날. Greg also told my mom that we were going to do her laundry — that she's refused to let us do — because her t-shirts have been looking a little 후졌어, and my mom and I burst out laughing. She's been doing her laundry by hand, in the bathtub, with bar soap. Laughing together makes me feel like 아빠 is with us. Over the last

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00:17:09

Gajok, Ep. #24: January 11, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/12

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as C-PTSD. The two voices in my head — my voice, and the C-PTSD voice that goes into overdrive when I'm triggered — struggle to coexist and feel safe. Here is my metaphor for my C-PTSD — Hopeful Jieun and Fearful Jieun are sisters. Fearful Jieun has a hard time letting Hopeful Jieun drive the car of Jieun's Life because she believes that, whenever she lets Hopeful Jieun drive the car, she inevitably gets us into a car accident, and

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00:11:24

Gajok, Ep. #23: January 10, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/11

I really didn't want to record this episode today because I really didn't want to feel vulnerable today. I think it's because I feel mediocre, and I feel mediocre because I tried to rest, and rest makes me feel very unproductive. I really struggle to rest. Intense feelings of mediocrity and shame come up for me when I try to rest. I have to go through 10 walls sometimes to finally succumb to my need to rest — that's how much I resist rest. Rest feels unproductive and lazy, but

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00:12:06

Gajok, Ep. #22: January 9, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/10

This episode is about how my morning walks have changed my life. It's about how much a messy space impacts my mental and emotional state. It's about being an Enneagram 8 and needing a place for all of my energy to go, especially when my anxiety is running high. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:15:17

Gajok, Ep. #21: January 8, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/01/09

Greg and I observed our 11-year anniversary today. On January 8, 2013, Greg and I met in a van, getting picked up by Liberty in North Korea, in the arrivals pick-up area of Los Angeles International Airport, sometime around 11:00 am PST. I flew in from Virginia. Greg flew in from North Carolina. I was 24. Greg was 23. 11 years later, we are still here. This is our first anniversary where my dad is not alive. This is our first anniversary without 아빠. All of my holidays are covered in grief. Surviving

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241 results

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