PODCAST

Movie Mastery

Jef Aldrich and Jon Taylor

Jef and Jon review movies by randomly rolling on an audience-submitted list.

tv & film film reviews

All Episodes

73:59

Movie Mastery – A Talking Cat!?!

Movie Mastery ·

2016/03/24

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-a-talking-cat.mp3 The second internet famously bad movie we’ve gotten in a row. Only we know something no other reviewer knows. We know the dark secret that surrounds the filming location of A Talking Cat!?! We understand that it could have been so, so much worse. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

74:09

Movie Mastery – Foodfight!

Movie Mastery ·

2016/03/11

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-foodfight.mp3 Celebrity voices and product placement come together with the cheapest animation possible to create a devastating whirlwind, the outcome of which is the shittiest movie imaginable. Prepare to be amazed at a movie that fails in every conceivable fashion: Foodfight! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

61:32

Movie Mastery – Steel

Movie Mastery ·

2016/02/26

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/movie-mastery-steel.mp3 This is weird, right? Because you had totally forgotten this movie? And now you’re all “Oh yeah, Steel! I didn’t go see that. Looked really bad, and it came out like three months after Batman & Robin, so I was already pretty mad at DC Comics in general. Yet here this is. Still available for you to watch. Still bearing a rap song about the lead character featuring the lead actor doing some of the rapping, and still

64:35

Movie Mastery – Scooby-Doo and KISS: Rock and Roll...

Movie Mastery ·

2016/02/11

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/movie-mastery-scooby-doo-and-kiss-rock-and-roll-mystery.mp3 It’s genuinely unusual that even when the Scooby of today meets a celebrity, it’s a celebrity from the 70s. Anyway, here’s Scooby-Doo and KISS: Rock and Roll Mystery. Though if you ask me, I’ll tell you the real mystery is how both of us grown men had managed to convince ourselves that Gene Simmons was the lead singer of KISS instead of just their weird gross bassist. Learn more about

65:38

Movie Mastery – Mommie Dearest (1981)

Movie Mastery ·

2016/01/28

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-mommie-dearest-1981.mp3 An old friend drops by the show to help us review a movie she made us watch in the first place. Claire joins us for Mommie Dearest, a bizarre, slowly-paced melodrama from the early 80s that’s really more useful as fashion guide and Futurama joke fodder than anything else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

72:56

Movie Mastery – Soul Man (1986)

Movie Mastery ·

2016/01/14

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-soul-man-1986.mp3 This movie was harder to find that the Holiday Special, and what we can learn from that is that someone needs to work harder at hiding this, because it’s horrible, and needs to be kept away from people, and the light of day. This is the story of a douchebag who thinks that blackface is perfectly acceptable if it means he doesn’t have to get a job, and the various people in his life who reward him for this.

68:54

Movie Mastery – Santa with Muscles (1996)

Movie Mastery ·

2015/12/31

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-santa-with-muscles-1996.mp3 Oh boy, it’s Hulk Hogan! According to that poster, we know he goes sleeveless, doesn’t like buttoning up, and gives some very harmless looking dudes the business. I mean, look at those dudes. That guy on the left is only guilty of the 90s crime of dressing in tucked in layers. This is the final film in our 2015 Holidayathon extravaganza, so next episode is back to free for all rules! Learn more about

80:09

Movie Mastery – The Star Wars Holiday Special

Movie Mastery ·

2015/12/17

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-star-wars-holiday-special.mp3 So this thing is internet famous as a bizarre travesty against Star Wars right? Kind of like a Jar-Jar 1978. What the internet won’t normally tell you about the holiday special is that it is crushingly, painfully boring. Dicking around a cellphone isn’t enough to survive this thing in one viewing, you’re going to need a tablet, a second TV playing something better, carolers outside your window and every

77:44

Movie Mastery – Christmas with the Kranks

Movie Mastery ·

2015/12/03

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-christmas-with-the-kranks.mp3 There are three Movie Mastery episodes this December, and you can be sure that every single one of them will be a holiday themed film. There’s no genre of film that Jef hates more, so these should be great. Kicking it off, here’s Christmas with the Kranks, the movie guaranteed to make you hate white people, rich people, people in general, things, the concept of Christmas, and existence itself. Got an

68:01

Movie Mastery – Sinbad of the Seven Seas

Movie Mastery ·

2015/11/19

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-sinbad-of-the-seven-seas.mp3 Hot off his recent triumphant return to the role of the Incredible Hulk (in a movie where he fights Thor, you should go check it out), Lou Ferrigno hits the silver screen with his starring role in what is DEFINITELY a Cannon Films production, Sinbad of the Seven Seas. Thrill as he flexes his way out of all sorts of stupid shenanigans! Marvel at the neverending narration! Learn more about your ad choices

71:20

Movie Mastery – Mechanical Violator Hakaider

Movie Mastery ·

2015/11/05

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-mechanical-violator-hakaider.mp3 Never let it be said we won’t watch some insane random thing out of some vestigial sense of self preservation. Here, we sit down together to watch a tokusatsu film, which probably doesn’t directly translate to “All Power Rangers-y” but might as well. Mechanical Violator Hakaider is a stoic, boring Judge Robocopinator of a weird future, and boy oh boy, is he ever bulletproof. Learn more about your

66:52

Horrortoberfest Day 22 – The Woman in Black 2 (2014)

Movie Mastery ·

2015/10/22

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrortoberfest-day-22-woman-in-black-2-2014.mp3 Ooh what a scary poster of a moment that doesn’t occur in the film at all! In this picture a bunch of british WW2 orphans are shipped off to the dumbest possible location for an orphanage, and then ghost stuff starts happening. Probably. The film could really use a flashlight, or a full moon, anything that emits light. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

67:11

Horrortoberfest Day 15 – The House at the End of Time...

Movie Mastery ·

2015/10/16

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrotoberfest-day-15-the-house-at-the-end-of-time-2013.mp3 This week we review a Venezuelan horror film from the depths of Netflix. This seems like it is going to be a standard, paint-by-numbers haunted house flick but there is a twist. The twist is that we finally got a horror movie that Jef doesn’t hate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

70:33

Horrortoberfest Day 8 – The Mirror (2014)

Movie Mastery ·

2015/10/08

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrortoberfest-day-8-the-mirror.mp3 It’s a movie about an evil mirror but not the ones that might have popped into your head. This movie takes the bold new stance that would should really happen in a horror movie is nothing. The most evil thing this mirror did was cause this movie to be made. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

62:22

Movie Mastery – Yor the Hunter from the Future

Movie Mastery ·

2015/09/24

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/movie-mastery-yor-the-hunter-from-the-future.mp3 Yes! A Reb Brown movie! We were waiting patiently for our chance to sit down with the legendary Roll Fizzlebeef, and here it is! This week we discuss Yor the Hunter from the Future, which can best be described as, and I’m reaching with this metaphor a little, a bullshit film that sucks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

63:33

Movie Mastery – Big Money Rustlas

Movie Mastery ·

2015/09/10

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/movie-mastery-big-money-rustlas.mp3 Twenty years from now college professors will use this episode as a teachable moment. It’d be nice if it was about how to properly review films, but actually it’ll just be on what ongoing Stockholm Syndrome sounds like. We watch two clown rappers shoot guns and spout catchphrases, and then come back to tell you that it’s actually amazing. Really. For real. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit

61:23

Movie Mastery – Wing Commander

Movie Mastery ·

2015/08/27

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-wing-commander.mp3 Wing Commander is a film we watched. It was filmed in Luxembourg. Luxembourg is the last remaining Grand Duchy in the world, and is the country where popular internet communication company Skype makes its home. They speak Luxembourgish there. Wing Commander stars Freddie Prinze Jr., Saffron Burrows, and Matthew Lillard. Other famous Freds and Matthews include Flintstone and Modine. The other famous Saffron is

67:29

Movie Mastery – D&D: Wrath of the Dragon God

Movie Mastery ·

2015/08/13

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-dd-wrath-of-the-dragon-god.mp3 It’s our second anniversary and we’re making it D&D Sequel Week, so here’s a horrible D&D sequel, Wrath of the Dragon God. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you actually wrote a movie based around the silly rules and abstractions of tabletop games, without worrying so much about story structure? Spoiler alert, it’d be terrible! Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit

64:01

Movie Mastery – The Day After

Movie Mastery ·

2015/08/06

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-the-day-after.mp3 Are you sufficiently frightened of nuclear attack? This TV movie dares ask the question “How will global thermonuclear war affect a young Steve Guttenberg?” Now fill your family condom with popcorn and sit a spell so Jason Robards can spin you a yarn of cold war terror! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

67:33

Movie Mastery – Wizards

Movie Mastery ·

2015/07/29

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-ralph-bakshis-wizards.mp3 Is this really a movie about a fat little wizard and his nearly-nude fairy companion trying to defeat a Nazi wizard leading an army of mutants against an army of elves, set 10 million years from now? It is. Does all that craziness add up to anything good? It does not. Let’s talk about Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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