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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

02:04:32

Rogue Galaxy Part 4 - Meanwhile... BOY CHAT

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/11/05

Let's take a break to talk to a child who is dressed like the Jack from a deck of cards! No need to save your game! Let's watch this five minute scene where they talk about nothing. Also this week: Hot Dog, burly miners, a beautiful montage set to Roxette, unearned pathos, Girl gets less character development than Mio, finally meeting the Captain, butt wiping sock attacks, Deego's deep DeviantArt search results, and so much more! This Week: We play chapter six and seven in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week:

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01:31:57

Instant Classic - Until Dawn

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/10/31

It's that spoopy time of year so we decided to release our monthly Patreon Instant Classic episode to all our listeners. Because we love you. Join Vanessa, John, and JIM (that's right, he's back) as they decide if 2015's PS4 exclusive Until Dawn is an Instant Classic.

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01:20:12

Rogue Galaxy Part 3 - Jupis Tooki McGanel

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/10/29

Holy crow. This game takes a turn for the... weird. But at the same time, the dungeons become even more repetitive. Talking points include: Gundam's maps, everyone's favorite idol Mio, Robert and Henry's extensive screen time, the confusing fate of Rosencaster, a robot's strange daddy, Simon's weird family, how to bribe people, and so much more! This Week: We play chapter four and five in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We play chapter six and seven in Rogue Galaxy! Our theme for this series is Ferdk's

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01:27:54

Rogue Galaxy Part 2 - Upsetting Revelations About...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/10/22

Ooooooooof. We take a deep dive into the cultural melange that is the peoples of Jurukai in Level 5's Rogue Galaxy! There's some unsettling character design, two of the bustiest characters we've ever encountered in JRPGs, and John misses all the good treasure and abilities. Also? TOADY. Vanessa recorded this episode from a dark, spooky well. This Week: We play chapter two and three in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We play chapter four and five! Our theme for this series is Ferdk's cover of Brave Heart,

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01:12:27

Rogue Galaxy Part 1 - A Real Chaz

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/10/16

It's a short chunker as we start Level 5's cult classic RPG Rogue Galaxy! There's mistaken identity, Scottish Volus, a man named Raul, skull camels, Cobra Commander cats, Chaz 2: The Chazening, Generic Girl: She's Fine, the Revelation Flow, and awkward Kingdom Heartsy combat. Let's go catch some Moussers and head out to space! This Week: We play chapter one in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We play chapter two and three in Rogue Galaxy! Our theme for this series is Ferdk's cover of Brave Heart, the battle

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01:44:34

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 5 - That's So......

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/10/08

We've been to Paradise, but have we been to me? Yes. Of course we have. We dive into Martin's gaping portal and head off for the penultimate great battle: a very quick sword fight against Mankar Cameron. He loses. It's not very climactic. BUT. Things get real interesting when you get back to the Imperial city! Daedra Kaiju! Self-immolation! The City Guard Versus Martin, if you're Matthew. We wrap up the Thieves and Assassin's Guild, as well as Johnny just doing random weird side quests. And Oblivion

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01:45:48

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 4 - Felix's...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/10/01

Someone on the podcast has a weakness for Rob (and his sister Tilda)'s gruesome cinematic output, and it's not who you might think! We start off the podcast with some sad news, and then some mixed news. The podcast is in disarray! When will we play Chrono Cross? What will we play next? Why is Vanessa murdering so many people? Why does John get lost in such a small level? We open up a giant Oblivion gate and bring all of Cyrodil together for lots of procedural nonsense, slightly broken quests, and a

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02:03:13

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 3 - Tootiest...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/09/24

Okay, right off the bat - we're all kind of d*ck crazy in this episode because the news has been nothing but wieners. On this episode we deep dive into side quests and get some fancy armour that for some dumb reason Vanessa just can't wear. Plus: John's all-scamp boyband, Fantasy Shrevport, we pitch a new Avengers game, Jim and John embark on a pilgrimage, Mirror Universe Square Roots Where We're All In Leather And Making Out, and spy hunting! This Week: We get the armor out of *Sancre Tor*! Next

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01:46:55

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 2 - Potter Babies!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/09/17

You'll have so many questions about Jim's terrible meme, but hopefully this episode will try to answer it. As we play through Bethesda's smash hit open world RPG, each host tries their best to be upsetting. First, Vanessa's choice of TV show disgusts the rest of the podcast. Second, Jim's terrible meme. Third, Matt's upsetting roleplaying of his cat Felix. And finally John decides to buy some waterfront property so he can truly start his SkullQuest. This Week: We crash the Daedric Cult's party in

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01:39:02

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 1 - TV's Gandalf

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/09/10

Dust off that cloth map, it's time to head to Cyrodil! That's right, we're off to explore the verdant pastures and thrilling forests of Bethesda's Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion! Topics covered this week: Pee Stew, Vanessa's CSI problem, Matthew's naughty kitty Felix, Vanessa's slight Oblivion obsession, Sean Bean sightings, John blaming glitches for pretty much everything wrong with his life, and so much more! This Week: We meet Brother Martin and rescue him from Kvatch in The Elder Scrolls IV:

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02:02:32

Final Fantasy VI Part 8 - A Little Night Hooters

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/09/03

It's all Sondheim all the Sond-time on this episode of Square Roots! We learn about Sondheim's famous love of breasts, his pioneering of reverse-alley staging (and the sex position), and his improvised piano songs in a series of completely true facts that were not made up. OH. We also finish Final Fantasy VI! TAKE THAT KEFKA, YOU THIRD RATE FINAL FANTASY VILLAIN. While we may be down on mimes, clowns, and clown-mimes we are definitely all for what might be the single best final boss battle of any

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01:34:34

Final Fantasy VI Part 7 - Sympathetic Catfishing

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/08/27

We collect all the missing party members! Good news! No one died! Unless you left Shadow out to die, you monster. Wait, he left his friend to do so maybe you're the real monster if you save him? Morality is weird, friends. We talk about catfishing, the secrets of silk production, teen pregnancy, Locke gets his dead girlfriend back, Strago joins a cult, and we don't even know what was going on with Owzer and Relm. This Week: We gather the gang together in the World of Ruin! Next Week: We finish the

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01:33:51

Final Fantasy VI Part 6 - Sabin All My Love For You

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/08/20

We're all flipping water bottles, dabbing, and diving out of moving cars in this exciting, hip, current episode of Square Roots. Is John compensating because he's now 39? Is Matthew known for being angry? Is Vanessa fed up with ladies giving up because they learned about motherhood? Is Jim just cranky? YOU BET. Also there's tons of Star Trek talk, the sad death of Bananaman, the dark, moody World of Ruin, discussing the name Darill, the ethics of looting a crumbling house, ten minutes of Star Trek

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01:46:18

Final Fantasy VI Part 5 - Simply Quite Precrocious

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/08/15

Lulu! Rubber shirts! Esper Rumspringa! John questions Vanessa's age! The earth gets mad! Final Fantasy VI presents what seems like an early endgame as Kefka wreaks havoc on the planet, and then the party... well... it doesn't really save anyone. But! There are robots. And TWO Ultros appearances! 02:50 - Level Up 21:40 - The Quest Mog 01:30:30 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:32:30 - Squarely Against This Week: We play until you leave the Floating Continent! Next Week: We play until you finish Darill's

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01:21:24

Sierra Roots!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/08/13

MATTHEW'S LAPTOP EXPLODED. So our regularly scheduled episode won't be up for a couple of days. So in the mean time, here is the first episode of Sierra Roots. We discuss the best and worst of Sierra, Vanessa premieres her phantasmagoria true crime podcast documentary, and ReVenture Games's Natalie Juhasz discusses how Laura Bow's beloved stupidity helped inspire Lorna Bains. Final Fantasy VI will be there REAL SOON! I swear!

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01:30:37

Final Fantasy VI Part 4 - Canadian Jolly Ranchers

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/08/06

Intense drama! Banana suits! Minecart escapes! How babies are made! Talkabos! Sealed doors! Sexy Grandma returns! All this and more in a slightly rambling, somewhat tangent filled fun fest! 02:45 - Level Up 32:00 - The Quest Mog 01:12:40 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:15:15 - Squarely Against This Week: We play until the the party gets to the Sealed Door! Next Week: We play until you leave the Floating Continent! Our intro music for this series is The OneUps' cover of Terra's theme! Band Web Site -

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01:46:55

Final Fantasy VI Part 3 - WAAARGH WAAAARGH WAAAARGH...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/07/30

It's hot takes aplenty as we hit the most fondly remembered chunker of Final Fantasy VI: THE OPERA SCENE. Who loves it? Who finds the synthesized warbling kind of crappy? You'll never guess! Also in this episode: Locke's creepy girlfriend storage room, Hill Gigases, Ultros's fantastic return, Setzer being a creepazoid, the history of the two-headed coin, espadrilles, and so much more! 02:45 - Level Up 18:40 - The Quest Mog 01:25:00 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:28:40 - Squarely Against This Week: We

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01:50:12

Final Fantasy VI Part 2 - Meet Humpty, Also Dumpty

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/07/23

We're hot and distracted in this episode, so bear with us. You may want to, you know, skip ahead to the Quest Mog. We're just saying. It's tangent town, population: this podcast! This week we discuss train suplexing, Kefka's unhappy army, Terra's crappy scenario, why Shadow is a jerk, dogs enjoying badminton, blue spartans, Nomi Malone, that weird Final Fantasy III commercial where Mog has a gruff voice, ULTROS, a kid that can destroy the most powerful karate man, Gau's tragic backstory that is

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01:31:50

Final Fantasy VI Part 1 - Translation By 90s Leonardo...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/07/16

There's a lot of talk about child stars in this episode of Square Roots, which is suprising given that we're talking about THE NUMBER ONE GREATEST RPG EVER, Final Fantasy VI. So is it really the Number One Greatest? Are Biggs and Wedge dating? Is Terra a witch or a sorceress? Is Edgar flirting due to societal pressure, or is he a creep? How can Sabin be a bear icon when he doesn't even have a beard? Stay tuned for the weremammothiest, lightning snailiest, daddy killingiest Square Roots yet! 03:20 -

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01:24:04

Fable Part 6 - Deep Lisa Turtle Lore Dive

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/07/09

Did Fable harness the power of the Xbox and our hearts? Or was it a fetid balverine of disappointment? We give our final review of Fable as we finish the game and delve into the extra Lost Chapters content. Topics include: a glyph that unlocks prime Saved by the Bell knowledge; Vanessa's molten lava attraction; Matthew's trail of carnage and SO MUCH MORE. 04:40 - Level Up 15:05 - The Quest Log 01:07:35 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:10:00 - Squarely Against This Week: We finish Fable! And the Lost

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