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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

01:32:59

Fable Part 5 - You Kracken, Me Up!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/07/02

Since Jim has given up on his Fable quest, he's resorted to coming up with the worst Dad Jokes to help us through rescuing The Scarlet Robe, infiltrating a prison, stopping a kidnapping, looting a graveyard, and other spooky RPG tasks! It may not be the penultimate episode of Fable that you expected, but it's the one you deserve. This Week: We rescue the Scarlet Robe! Next Week: We finish Fable! And the Lost Chapter! Our intro music for this series is THEoneNILS’s cover of the Oakvale theme

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01:19:18

Fable Part 4 - The Sock Method

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/06/25

We're still giving inappropriate books to schoolchildren in Fable, but that's not the least of our adventures. There's scorpion slaying! Murdertimes! John striking out bad! Trying out fun names for big evil door heads! Plus: we meet the Jack of Blades, and deep secrets are revealed! This Week: We conquer the Arena! Next Week: We rescue The Scarlet Robe! Our intro music for this series is THEoneNILS’s cover of the Oakvale theme! TheOneNils YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/THEoneNILS TheOneNils

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01:21:07

Fable Part 3 - Rear Eye for the Right Guy

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/06/18

HELLO PATRIOTS. GET YOUR BACKSTAGE PASSES READY, IF YOU'RE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. WE'VE TAKEN THIS PODCAST IN A LUCRATIVE NEW DIRECTION. Did we say lucrative? We mean patriotic. And not les patriotes, we're talking real American Patriots! NO CANADIAN HISTORY LEARNING HERE. Also: Vanessa leans in to her poly preferences, we discover teaching school children in Albion can be rewarding, Matthew keeps murdering, John gets a crush on a boss, and burp fart my butt my butt. 06:00 - Level Up 19:15 -

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01:21:10

Fable Part 2 - Spotify: The Monster of Blades

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/06/11

Now we find out just what happens when you fall in love with Matthew and then he asks you to follow him somewhere. The answer? You get sacrificed at the Temple of Scorn, and then can't skip more than two songs without paying their premium: YOUR SOUL. Also in this episode: mushroom talk, fishing, Yuko's Island Express, Matthew gives excellent Troll advice, and much more! 02:25 - Level Up 10:15 - The Quest Log 01:07:00 - Bullshit Mini Game Corner 01:11:05 - Squarely Against This Week: We escort the

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01:11:53

Fable Part 1 - With The Power Of The Xbox

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/06/04

It's FABLE TIME. Harnessing the power of the Xbox, will you be able to grow a tree? Play as a lady? Create procedural rivalries? Make an AI friend named Milo? Teach virtual pets morality? NO. Of course not. But Lionhead's ambitious RPG is not all disappointment and terrifying child faces. There's plenty of great stuff in here! 15:05 - Level Up 20:53 - The Quest Log 58:00 - Bullshit Mini Game Corner 01:00:00 - Squarely Against 01:09:20 - Peter Molyneux's Career At Silver Shamrock This Week: We beat

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01:10:02

Grandia Part 10 - Disney Dog Logic

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/05/28

Holy crap. Gaia is now some kind of giant bug and we have to crawl inside. From the bottom up. Yeah. It's kinda gross. We criticize the parenting of Feena and Justin's children, Jim is convinced that Justin gets swole, we debate if Mullen earns his ending, we optimistically announce Bad Dragon as our dream sponsor, there are many, many plugs to our Patreon, AND SO MUCH MORE. 02:20 - Level Up 15:55 - The Quest Log 48:45 - Mullen It Over 51:45 - Final Thoughts on Grandia This Week: WE FINISH GRANDIA

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01:25:22

Grandia Part 9 - Mullen It Over

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/05/21

Grandia is almost over, and it may be breaking the Square Roots crew to their very cores. Except for Jim. Jim for some reason is finishing this game in record time. This week on Square Roots: Vanessa gets Royal Fever, Jim turns into a robot, Feena becomes a corporal, Justin won't solve the Trolley Problem, we debate the worst voice actor of the game, there's much plant carnage as Baal makes it go total Jenova, and so much more! 02:25 - Level Up 20:35 - The Quest Log 01:07:20 - Mullen It Over

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01:10:47

Grandia Part 8 - Deus Ex Manta Ray

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/05/14

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! This l'il chunker has all your favorite Grandia bits: rainbow roads! Falling out of a plane! Jenova-ing monsters! Plant arms! Convenient manta rays! Secret Icarians! There's a lot of plot and a lot of action, even if poor ol' Vanessa is sick. Level Up: 04:00 Quest Log: 12:50 Squarely Against: (I think we forgot it this time) This week: We play until we reach Alent. Next Week: We return

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01:37:36

Grandia Part 7 - The Worst Name For Dog People...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/05/07

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Let's not forget that Grandia was made in the halcyon days of 1996 in Japan, so the name of the dog people did not carry the same kind of political weight as it does now. But that's just the start of the revelations we have today. For instance: the true nature of Darlin! Where Lainians keep their wisdom! How snowballs work! Ghosts! And so many more! Our opening theme is Charles Ritz’s awesome jazz cover

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01:20:10

Grandia Part 6 - I'm Gonna Rub Your Face Off

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/04/30

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast We meet Rapp, and his parents who were both turned to stone and rubbed to death. He has one of the worst voice actors in gaming. It is legendary. This week we've got: Vanessa's Rapp Rap, Milda's labia, Leen's Secret, a whole Jenova scenario, God of War, Vanessa's Sims, edible housing, and SO MUCH MORE. This week: We complete the Tower of Doom and find out Leen's secret! Next week: We play until we talk to

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01:56:13

Grandia Part 5 - Everyone Is Trying to Traumatize...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/04/23

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast We push forward with even more Grandia, finishing Disc One. But that means it's a jam packed episode full of tricky mermaids, confusing elevator puzzles, catapults, crying children, not knowing how to run, awkward dates, and villagers who lean on plausible deniability. This week: We play until the end of Disc One. Next week: We complete the Tower of Doom and find out Leen's secret! Level Up: 05:10 Quest

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01:22:10

Grandia Part 4 - Talk Sue-p

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/04/16

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Sue falls to what appears to be her death, is nearly eaten, Justin gets vanquished by a way, way better swordsman, and Feena kind of stays out of trouble in this song-packed episode of Square Roots. From a very, very large wall to a fish-shaped house and one of the most tedious, longest, and annoying maps ever to a rain-soaked tower where Justin must choose between life and death, Grandia is nothing if not

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01:34:55

Grandia Part 3 - APRIL FOOLS

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/04/09

Hey! We've got a Patreon now! Our full announcement will be in the next episode, but check it out: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Okay. Things get a little off the rails this episode as we try to slam through an overlarge chunker. First of all, Vanessa's drunk. So there's that. Then there's The Crest Frog, heat rash, the Witches of Brigmore, Dom and sub Orcs, Canadian April Fool's rituals, locker peeping, REM singing for two whole different reasons, Matthew using the worst phrase of all

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01:47:29

Grandia Part 2 - Cleveland Steaming

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/04/02

Are you ready for Justin to not shut up about being an adventurer? That's right, we've got more Grandia! We board the Steamer off to New Parm and then get in all sorts of wedding-and-ghost-related adventures! This week we learn about so many new things including: Psyduck based body horror, a full explanation of Cleveland Steamers, deck swabbing, the Adventurer Society's toxic workplace culture, fan wikis as unpaid labour, boat piloting, underwear in JRPGs and so much more! Level Up 03:30 Quest Log

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01:39:22

Grandia Part 1 - Puff-Puff Eat the Dead

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/03/26

We start Grandia! And it's pretty awesome! That doesn't mean we don't have questions and conundrums about Game Arts's classic PSOne JRPG. These children are in constant danger as we decry Justin's hat, get creeped out by Puff-Puff's nose, get skeeved out by old men hitting on an eight year old, watch children get hit in the face with a serving tray, destroy priceless statues, destabilize an Orc monarchy, iffy voice acting, judgmental makeup comments, debate the merits of Parmesan cheese and so much

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01:31:01

Phantasy Star IV Part 5 - DTF: Down To Find Important...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/03/19

Phantasy Star IV - Part 5 Hail to the Chief! We finish Phantasy Star IV! And meet Seth, the sexiest PC ever to grace a JRPG party. We plot our ways to escape Planet X, debate whether or not the game gets Disc 3 crazy, give Ken Bone tips on having alternate accounts, we debate whether or not Le Roof is both on fire or an anthropomorphic galaxy, Jim gets obsessed over The Profound Darkness's boobs, talk about Dragonball for what seems to be an hour, and so much more! Level Up 04:15 Quest Log 16:50

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01:08:09

Phantasy Star IV Part 4 - Robots? In MY Garuberk?

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/03/12

Phantasy Star IV - Part 4 NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! We're not saying John slept through the recording of this episode, but he may have slept through the recording of this episode. Topics covered this week include: Le Freak, Laschiec; Laschiec playing a classic game of keep-away with the Eclipse Torch; rating Chaz versus previous terrible RPG protagonists; how Vanessa isn’t prepared for Garuberk Tower’s Flesh Cave; Matthew calls the Garuberk Tower “Gratuitous” Tower; Dark Farce; John’s Interrupted

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01:35:20

Phantasy Star IV Part 3 - A Reverse Childbirth Kind...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/03/05

Phantasy Star IV - Part 3 Matthew connects to USB via a tin can and Jim is still mysteriously unavailable! But that won't stop us here at Square Roots. We discover Vanessa's robo-racism, we learn why you shouldn't use magic on a space ship as per the Liam Niesson movie Non-Stop, meet Raja and his weird dad jokes, have an old southern man diagose the issues with a space station, go on a rocket ride, get a second identical rocket, and SO MUCH MORE. Level Up: 04:45 Quest Log: 20:15 Squarely Against:

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01:30:57

Phantasy Star IV Part 2 - A Sandworm Bris

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/02/26

Phantasy Star IV - Part 2 Sega's manga-inspired sci-fi epic takes a few, uh, predictable twists and turns as we explore a downed Phantasy Star III colony ship, explore Zio's Fort, and head into a tourist trap town. Topics covered this week include: we lose our Edible Arrangements sponsorship; Matthew ear-shames Rika; Vanessa discovers the secret of instant teleportation; our protagonist dilemma is sorted out; we balance out Labia’s Tower jokes with sandworm foreskin jokes; the RPG need for

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01:19:38

Phantasy Star IV Part 1 - No Jokes About Birth Valley

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2018/02/19

Phantasy Star IV - Part 1 We begin the epic space journey with Alys and Chaz in the town of learning, but something doesn't seem right. Why is the headmaster so evasive? What's up with those monsters in the basement? Is Jim the Hahn of the podcast? Why did we start with Phantasy Star IV? Does the game explain anything about any of its systems? Why is Vanessa so interested in Zio? How many fake languages is Matt going to have to learn? Does John want to make kissing with Professor Bearsley? We answer

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