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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

00:50:11

Episode 261: A Cat-tastrophe

Umpire Pants ·

2024/07/18

We recorded this a super long time ago so I have no idea what is in here, except the cat walked on the board and played a sound effect so loud I had to edit the file to make it quieter, and I don't edit ANYTHING. I'm doing a Dogme 95 type thing here.

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00:47:22

Episode 260: The Knickerbocker Buckaroo

Umpire Pants ·

2024/02/16

We talked about some stuff, did some hyntz, the usual

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00:51:41

259: Pumps and a Bump

Umpire Pants ·

2024/01/08

This is from so long ago all I remember is that we watched the pumps and a bump video

en

00:47:44

Episode 258: Who knows what this is about

Umpire Pants ·

2023/11/03

We recorded this a long time ago and I haven't listened to it yet. I hope we didn't say anything bad!

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00:55:23

257: Better late than never

Umpire Pants ·

2023/09/19

Guess who didn't set a calendar reminder to release their podcast?I think this one is pretty good. I got about halfway through and didn't hear anything weird so fingers crossed! We recorded this one in person in the condo

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00:56:16

Episode 256: I got two oh words

Umpire Pants ·

2023/08/02

Sloppy start; Oh Word?; dive bars; gelato; Puerto Viejo update; street music; concerts; disastrous Readers Digest quiz; AI writing sucks; quilts are underrated; hot dog pizza; Umpire Pants Out

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00:56:44

255: Trip reports

Umpire Pants ·

2023/07/12

Episode 255: Trip Reports I remembered to name the episode! Our trips to Costa Rica and Las Vegas; Mary gets very mad at us for interrupting her story (Bill mostly); we "ended" the episode early; <>; old folks homes and casinos; more Las Vegas; mom was a little mad we went to Vegas without her; best parts of Vegas; Shawn Kemp update; Bill needs a deadline; Bill lied about releasing this on the same day; Bill is not a fan of Al Franken; watch Sherlock Jr.; Umpire Pants Out

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00:56:46

254

Umpire Pants ·

2023/06/28

Surprise again! We reorded this about a month ago and I have neglected to upload it the whole time. Whoops! But I did learn something--I don't do anything if I don't have a deadline. Just kidding I already knew that. The deadline in this case is we started recording again so now I have 3 episodes piling up. I have no idea what we talked about because I didn't listen to it so hopefully nothing bad! We'll get back on an every other week schedule soon.

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00:59:58

Episode 253: House Dressing

Umpire Pants ·

2023/04/21

Surprise! A new episode! Bill here. I'm in charge of editing and publishing so from now on the podcast will be late and full of Mary's lip smacking. Rant and rave/skeletons/driver's ed/bully sticks/bean bag chairs/Lethbridge fashion/house dressing/PSA: cars are dangerous/everything is getting worse update/Redmond is a small town/I don't know what the buttons do/Empire Pants Out

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00:46:04

Episode 252: It's Fine, it's not Great

Umpire Pants ·

2023/04/03

An old lady and two cool young people is back, baby! Which famous trio do we line up with? Bill has a Toe Update (not the pee toe, the other toe). Mary is fresh off her 70th birthday party. We're off Twitter. Beloved Robin Williams, Popeye, and joke stealing. Bill saw Three Days of the Condor. Jon Candy is the best. New Segment: Bustin' Mom's Balls! Mary is afraid to use her toaster oven knobs. We won't become a video podcast. Bill thinks William Shatner is a good actor. Ice Cream Truck of the Week:

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01:16:06

Episode 251.2: Halloween 2021

Umpire Pants ·

2022/10/31

It's a re-run of our Halloween Episode! We have some new ones coming, so don't fret, folks! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

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00:44:45

Episode 251: Blazing Some 420 Bones

Umpire Pants ·

2022/09/29

Bill wasn't willing to drive over an hour to record with us in person, but we're back! THIS IS STILL OFFICIALLY A PODCAST! We're doing two-times a month eps now, folks. Bill's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Detroiters. Shout out to our Canadian listeners! Have you heard the fake English Italian song? Mary is afraid of carwashes, but nothing else. Bill loved the Elvis movie, even though he just said biopics are hokey. Rod Stewart talk. Bat report: Got a bat. Our Botan Rice candy tattoos. Kelley's Hint

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00:49:53

Episode 250: Snack Cats

Umpire Pants ·

2022/09/14

Sorry for the long wait, but we’re back! Sort of. This was recorded while Kelley was out on vacation and she just finally posted it. We’ll be back-back soon. Hi to the Canadians! Bill’s family is at Comicon and costumes are discussed. Mary doesn’t like most vampire movies, and The Dayshift is no exception. Our dad is here, too! Bill watched the George Carlin and Gary Shandling documentaries on HBO. Bill’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Larry Sanders show. (Kelley did the Oh Word drop, guys, but

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00:44:36

Episode 249: I Ate Some Old Beans Today

Umpire Pants ·

2022/08/12

Bill is on the phone and we talk about The Twits right off the bat. The Stupid’s books were great. The Godfather and Deer Hunter movies are mixed up in Kelley’s head. Kelley recommends Claws one final time as a “good bad show.” Bill recommends Banshee as another over the top show. Kelley has a New Wives Tale: You can freeze fresh guacamole!!! Mary ate some rotten beans and might die. We used to have a potato drawer. Mary was very briefly cut off from baked beans. If Bill dies, it’s from a cat

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00:40:30

Episode 248: RERUN ALERT!: Episode 204: It’s Medium...

Umpire Pants ·

2022/07/29

We're having a heat wave and Bill's hotdog toe isn't making him want to travel to Seattle, so we're taking a week off. Here is an episode from one year ago. We'll be back soon, folks! Love you! XOXO Kelley

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00:40:01

Episode 248: Always Eat Bowling Meat

Umpire Pants ·

2022/07/23

Bill is calling in with a serious toe injury. !!!SKIP AHEAD to MINUTE FIVE (5:00) IF YOU’RE SQUIMISH!!! Mary hurt her back putting on pants and Kelley buzzed her head. What are we watching? Stranger Things; Only Murders in the Building; Obi Wan Kenobi (SPOILER ALRT – Obi Wan – I have no idea if Bill was joking about this being a spoiler – KJ). The stinger animals have beef with Mary – why? Herman got scared of a spider, and Bill remembers an old baby spider story. Costa Rican creatures. Mary’s

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00:42:37

Episode 247: I Don’t Wanna Counteract the Tomato

Umpire Pants ·

2022/07/15

Oh boy, I haven’t even started listening, but I know this one got super sloppy as the second of an outdoor double-header. The Mariners are getting fun, so we’re going to a game. Old racists don’t like baseball to be fun. Bill thinks people are secretly drinking a lot more. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Lasagna. We talk sugar in tomato sauce. It’s Mary’s Anniversary, and she reveals she gets in a fight every day! Congratulations to 52 years of daily fights and not getting a divorce. The Green Giants –

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00:39:03

Episode 246: Is that What I Say?

Umpire Pants ·

2022/07/09

It’s a live outside recording today! We’re at Bill’s and he’s fresh off some serious R&R (Hawaii and Ween). Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Vape pens. Kelley has weird self imposed cheapskate rules. Biopics are all hokey! Mary watched RRR and she liked it…A LOT! What time of day should Kelley watch this long ass movie? Kelley again recommends Russion Doll with Natasha Lyonne. And the time travel movie Primer comes up again as a recommendation, along with Time Crimes. And Outlander. Fanny Packs are

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00:42:00

Episode 245: Why’s it Called Craps?

Umpire Pants ·

2022/07/01

It’s the second episode of a Double Header, but it’s early and Saturday so we’re not too worried. City fast food vs. suburban fast food. Acres of Clams is a gross tagline. Mary gives a cat update. Bill has to deal with Unemployment Fraud again. Mary got a bonus at the casino, but it sounds like the dealers are struggling. Max the Dog wants to stay in bed all morning. Lack of empathy in society. We steal another Colbert Question: Have you ever asked a famous person for an autograph? Kelley found out

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00:36:01

Episode 244: No Because they’re All Floppy

Umpire Pants ·

2022/06/25

Sorry, I’m not doing great, don’t have my shit together and have fallen down completely on releasing these on time, and I probably won’t ever get there again. This podcast is doomed and we all know it. Fuck the Patriarchy. Enjoy! We’ve had a shitty spring and no one should have lawns. Mary is moving to Cleveland. Bill finished RRR and gives it two thumbs up. New Wives Tale: Burt Reynolds Edition. We try to clear up a childhood mystery regarding nudy pics grandma had in her apartment. Who is in the

en

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