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PODCAST

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera

Stacey Herrera - Intimacy & Relationship Coach

Sex talk after 40 for people who want better sex and smarter relationships. Honest conversations you"ve been wanting to have but didn"t know how to start. Host Stacey Herrera talks ED, dead bedrooms, kink, desire, and all the messy realities of intimacy after 40. No Cosmo tricks. No self-help jargon. Just the messy, sometimes hilarious, but always hopeful parts of connection that never make the highlight reel. Instagram: @staceynherrera Subtack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ Website:

society & culture relationships

All Episodes

21:30

Do You Need an Erection to Have Great Sex? (SPOILER: No)

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/12/10

Most of us learned that sex = penetration. Everything else? Foreplay. Warmup. Extra. But that model is outdated, limiting, and honestly? It's been sidelining everyone's pleasure for way too long. But you should know that a soft penis is a functional penis. Soft penises can give pleasure and receive pleasure. And when you decentralize erections, a world of pleasure opens up. In this episode, Stacey gets explicit about what sex can look like when penetration isn't on the menu—not as a consolation

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23:03

Erectile Dysfunction Is Hard on Relationships. Top 4...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/12/03

This is Part 4 of a 6-part series on erectile dysfunction. This week: the partner experience. When ED happens, all the attention goes to the person experiencing it. Pills, supplements, clinics—there's an entire industry ready to help. But if you're the partner? There's nothing. No marketing. No acknowledgment. Just an expectation to be supportive and not make it worse. Partners suffer too. And they're Googling in secret, trying to find answers to questions they don't know how to ask out loud. In

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22:24

How Do You Tell Your Partner You're Struggling with...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/11/26

This is Part 3 of a 6-part series on erectile dysfunction. This week: the conversation. Less than 60% of men experiencing ED talk about it with their partners. That means more than half are keeping it to themselves—and silence creates distance. In this episode, Stacey shares two contrasting stories: one where pretending ruined the experience, and one where honesty created intimacy from the start. Then she breaks down how to actually have the conversation. In this episode: When and where to talk

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22:38

How Erections Work and What Happens When You Have...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/11/19

This is Part 2 of a 6-part series on erectile dysfunction. This week, we're exploring the mechanics of erection. Many penis owners do not know how their body works below the belt. Not because they're uninformed, but because nobody ever taught them. So when erection challenges arise with no obvious explanation, it's easy to assume you're just broken. In this episode, Stacey breaks down how erections work and what interferes with the process—psychological, physical, and everything in between. In this

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24:31

Can We Talk About the Emotional Weight of Erectile...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/11/05

This is Part 1 of a 6-part series on erectile dysfunction. Not the mechanics or the fixes —we'll get to that later. This episode is about the part nobody talks about… the emotional weight. In this episode, Stacey explores what it feels like to live in a body that's changed. The heartbreak and the inconvenience. The way masculinity gets hitched to erections. In this episode: The pressure to maintain an erection 3 ED archetypes: pretenders, withdrawals, and searchers Why ED feels lonely despite

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21:00

The Rejection Story That's Keeping You From Good Sex

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/10/29

In this episode, Stacey explores the rejection stories we tell ourselves and how they affect our sex lives. She shares a story about a boundary violation that turned cruel and breaks down why we make every 'no' about our worth. How do we separate someone's no from our self-worth? And how fear of rejection gets in the way of leaning in. 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool

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10:52

Do Your Kids Need to Know About the Marital Affair?

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/10/22

You want to protect your kids from the pain. But you also don't want to lie to them. So do you tell them about the affair? Whether you stayed together or split, whether your kids are minors or adults, this question comes up. There is no one right answer. In this episode of Sex IRL, Stacey explores the complexity and nuance of deciding whether to tell your kids about infidelity. Find out how to think it through. In this episode: The tension between protection and honesty—both instincts make sense

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07:55

Is Performing Pleasure Affecting Your Sex Life?

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/10/15

Last week, we discussed the penis owners' scorecard. This week, we’re talking about vulva owners who perform pleasure. Moans that are a little too extra. Making that “feel good” face to make them feel good. And putting on a show, even when the sex is mediocre at best. Sounds like generosity, but smells like performance. In this episode, Stacey explores: Why managing someone else's feelings is actually manipulation How faking it cheats your partner out of a chance to get better (sex is a skill,

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08:29

Is Their Sexual Satisfaction Really That Important to...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/10/08

If we had a nickel for every time someone with a penis said, "My partner's pleasure is the most important thing to me," we'd all be rich. Sounds noble. But most of the time, they mean: "I need them to get off so I can feel like I'm good in bed." In this episode of Sex IRL, Stacey breaks down the difference between generosity as performance vs. presence. Making your partner's orgasm is your scorecard effs up the experience. In this episode: Why "Did you come?" is often about anxiety, not attention

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08:28

Do Selfless Women and Capable Men Make the Best Lovers?

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/10/01

She's the one who remembers birthdays and keeps the group text alive. He's the guy who handles the money and fixes what's broken. They look like opposite types, but they suffer the same affliction: performance instead of presence. In this episode of Sex IRL, Stacey digs into how the roles we play (think: the selfless woman or the endlessly capable man) keep us hidden. These archetypes don’t just show up in our daily lives. They follow us into the bedroom. And when your personality becomes a

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08:19

Does Main Character Energy Make You Selfish?

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/09/24

A lot shifts after 40. Your tolerance for pretending disappears. That bottomless energy you used to have? Poof… gone. Suddenly, you’re saying no to things that used to be an automatic yes (including sex). It’s not selfishness. It’s honesty. In this episode of Sex IRL, Stacey explores how to step into main character energy without shutting people out or burning everything down to the studs. Because showing up as your whole self gives intimacy a fighting chance. In this episode: Why fakeness feels

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04:08

Welcome to Sex IRL

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/09/17

This is the inaugural episode of Sex IRL, a brand-new podcast from Stacey Herrera. If you’ve been listening to Love Is…, you’ll notice the shift. Stacey explains why she’s pivoting toward the topic she circles back to most: sex. But this isn’t a show about techniques or tips—you can Google that. Sex IRL is about the messy, funny, deeply human ways we reach for each other, and all the fears, silences, and cracked knees that come with it. In this short intro, Stacey shares why sex is the entry point

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13:29

What If I’m Turned Off by My Partner?

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/07/30

Attraction isn’t static. Even in the healthiest relationships, it ebbs and flows. But what do you do when the spark is flickering and everything your partner does gets on your last nerve? This is the first episode of the Grown Ass Woman Summer series. And Stacey is digging into a question that midlife women often ask: “What if I’m turned off by my partner?” In this conversation, Stacey gets real about what it means to feel disconnected from someone you still love. (Psst… it’s not always about sex.)

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10:48

What If “Emotional Safety” Is a Socially Acceptable...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/07/16

There is a lot of talk about feeling emotionally safe. But sometimes what we’re calling unsafe is just new, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable. In this episode, Stacey explores the difference between actual harm and healthy discomfort. And why growth rarely happens when we feel at ease. She unpacks what emotional safety really means, how it’s often used as a shield, and why some of the most powerful transformations happen when we feel unsure. If you’ve ever said, “I’m not ready” or “I don’t feel safe,”

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17:31

If Your Partner's Conflict Style Is Cruel, Listen to...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/07/09

How do they treat you when they’re upset? In this episode, Stacey explores the nuance of conflict in relationships. Whether it’s weaponized silence, bringing up things shared in confidence, or claiming they “didn’t mean it” after saying something hurtful, how someone shows up during conflict speaks volumes. You’ll learn the difference between healthy space and emotional punishment. And why the way someone handles disagreements can (and sometimes should) be a deal breaker. If you’ve ever walked away

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09:36

Tired of Feeling Like an Afterthought in Your...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/06/25

If you’re the one they check on after the fact, the person who gets the update but not the invitation, or the partner expected to adjust without being asked, this conversation is for you. This week on the pod, Stacey unpacks what it feels like to be an afterthought, how that pattern often mirrors the way we treat ourselves, and why clarity doesn’t always guarantee change. Whether you speak up or stay silent, the result can feel the same—and it’s exhausting. You’ll hear why being overlooked isn’t

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11:27

Love or Attachment? How to Know What You’re Really...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/06/18

It might look like love. Might even feel like love. But what if it’s not? In this episode, we’re exploring the difference between love and attachment. Knowing the difference might save years of confusion, resentment, and chasing someone’s potential. Stacey is walking you through what love is (without the fairytale framing), how attachment shows up in your nervous system and choices, and why the two get so tangled in midlife relationships. If you’ve ever been in a situation that made you question

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09:05

Tired of Doing It All? How to Step Back Without...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/06/11

If you’re the one who remembers the birthdays, plans the date nights, manages the group chats, and loads the dishwasher (because no one else seems to notice it’s full), this episode is for you. In today’s conversation, Stacey opens up about what happened when she finally stopped doing it all and what she learned about herself, her nervous system, and the stories that keep so many women in midlife over-functioning in their relationships. If you’ve ever thought, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done,”

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10:47

Sexual Winter: When Desire Pauses (But Nothing’s Wrong)

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/05/07

Midlife brings shifts—some welcome, some disorienting. One of the most confusing? When your desire goes quiet for a while. This week, we're talking about sexual winter. This season doesn’t get enough airtime, especially among midlife women navigating shifting roles, changing hormones, and the pressure to always be “on.” This episode is for you if you've ever wondered: Why don’t I want to have sex? Is this just a phase or something else? How can I stay connected to my partner when I’m not

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16:01

Why Midlife Body Changes Are a Mindf*ck and a...

Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera ·

2025/05/02

What do you do when your reflection surprises you? When you catch a glimpse and think, Wait… when did that change? In this episode, Stacey shares an unfiltered reflection on aging, intimacy, hydration (yes, hydration), and her evolving relationship with the woman in the mirror. Tender. Honest. Very midlife. In this conversation: The difference between fixing and tending to yourself The soft grief and quiet joy of watching your body change Confidence that comes not from how you look, but how

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