PODCAST

Worthless Clowns

a podcast about how stupid we all are, hosted by NYC comedians Ali O"Neil & Brittany Cardwell

comedy

All Episodes

01:01:16

INTERNET USER AND BIG PANTS HAVER, w/ Luke Mones

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/09/05

Luke Mones joins us! Luke can’t stop saying I Love You to his Uber drivers. We discover that it’s best to put a rat in your mouth ass first. A young man won’t take responsibility for getting a lightbulb stuck in his mouth. Memories of when Jared from Subway went down, Mr Hands, rollie pollies, and piles of puke. Follow Luke @lukemones, and check him out live https://lukemones.komi.io For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the

00:53:57

I VOMITED INTO SENTIENCE

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/08/29

Brittany and Ali are concerned they are in a nursing home, and not in this pod. A man on the train tries to flirt by confidently claiming Ali’s house plant is a garden vegetable. Brittany’s ferry ride turns into a zombie horror film, featuring Jonathan Davis from Korn! A father hopes to teach his son how to drive better by calling him a woman. Memories of dogs speaking through buttons, kicky footing, and bad ear cuts. *AND WE TOOK OUR SOCKS OFF!! For clips and pics, follow the pod

00:52:43

GOD MADE SUNFISH FOR CHILDREN TO CATCH

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/08/22

We finally take a break from talking about BUGS and FROGS, to talk about WEIRD DATES! Brittany’s date thinks she’s unethical for not saying she was a comedian. Ali’s date can’t explain why he has a spider tattoo or any of the words written on his chest. A man calls a baby ugly in front of its mother. Memories of movies about how the economy sucks, crying over dying fish, and cleaning elephants. *Brittany mispronounces tons of words in this episode. Find them, DM us, and we’ll shout you out in a

00:58:18

I WAS WET FOR ALIENS IN 2016 w/ Ashlynn Salzano

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/08/15

Ashlynn Salzano, our stupid special guest, joins us!! We’re all waiting for more impressive alien news. Ashlynn accidentally waves condescendingly to a child. Brittany gets yelled at for reading and Ali gets yelled at for bringing home chairs. We can't figure out the frog meme on Britany’s For You page. A man takes a day off work to avoid hearing about snakes. Memories of Obama’s tan suit, Wife Swap, and Zoom hells. Follow Ashlynn @ashlynnsalzano. For clips and pics, follow the pod

00:53:33

SHE JUST LET LIQUID OUT OF HER MOUTH

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/08/08

We’re super hungover! We figure out what T-Pain, Black Sabbath, and Cake have in common. On a bachelorette, Ali meets some deer and learns how to be polite to firefighters. Brittany sells golf balls for money when all she ever wanted was time. A group of ladies accuse a man of stealing the neighborhood birds. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email

00:50:55

I'M NOT A HAWK, I'M A PIECE OF SH*T

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/08/01

Ali finds out there’s another happy birthday song and it’s way better. Brittany doesn’t have defective eyes, she just needs to try harder. A man gets PTSD from killing a wasp, and now believes bugs are all that matter. Ali and Brittany come up with a new angle for the OJ Simpson prosecution, relive the joy of itching bites, and realize (again) that they’re pieces of sh*t! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check

00:53:42

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY A**? JULIENNED OR CHOPPED? w/ Tim...

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/07/25

Tim McLauglin joins us!! Tim loses his glasses in a pile of trash, sh*ts himself at Rocky The Musical and then a bunch of other times. Ali goes to calculus with a problem that’s unrelated to math. A grown man is jealous of a potato that doesn’t look enough like him. Memories of smelling bad stuff and liking it, cavities, ear wax, and trees with the scent of bodily fluids. Follow Tim @hot_comic69 and check out his pods: Great Hang @greathangpod with Myka Fox, and Tough Questions with Jeff

00:49:49

IT’S A NICE DAY FOR A GAY RAT WEDDING

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/07/18

Brittany and Ali get cat called by a Tim Robinson impersonator!!! A man woos Brittany by teaching her how to use salad and sandwich bars, then gets her to “meditate” with him over the phone. In the pandemic, Ali finds human connection by guiding strangers while they parallel park. A woman wants to make a statement at a wedding by wearing a meme. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want

00:46:11

SHOW US THOSE TOILET TITS

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/07/11

Ali and Brittany roast every band member at a death metal show. Brittany’s trying to slack at soccer practice and ends up running full speed into a pole. Ali sweats like she has something to hide, and forces an audience member into taking off his shirt by calling him names. A boy gets kicked out of a groupchat after telling his aunt to flash the family. Brittany and Ali invent a new type of toilet—with tits! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali

00:52:01

I WASHED, LIKE, A WHOLE ELEPHANT w/ Steven Rogers

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/07/04

A very special guest, Steven Rogers, joins us! Steven tries to trick other kids into believing he wasn’t repeating 2nd grade, wishes all busses were elephants, and ruins beach day by convincing himself he’s a creep with a white hotel towel. Brittany finally does a tell-all of her imaginary horses—proving they’re real by winning a foot race, and then giving it all up for an 8-year-old boy. Ali gets home every night and turns into a cat. A man is uneasy about his nudist girlfriend being seen 24/7 by

00:56:57

MY BRAIN IS DECLINING AT THIS POINT

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/06/27

The pod becomes Animal Planet. Ali’s pissed at a lady walking a crab on a leash, but respects a man with a basement full of eels. Brittany saves a drowning gnat, scares a slug into appreciating its life, and paints dinner plates with horses doing exercises. A kid can’t watch Christmas movies without being interrupted by his parents’ planned light saber battles and quidditch matches. Memories of curb stomping, sea cucumbers, and drummers getting root canals. For clips and pics, follow the pod

00:45:04

CAN YOU SEE MY LABORIOUS BOREALIS?

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/06/20

Brittany tries to join a mosh pit dressed as a 6x3 foot robot. For Ali, the worst part about 911 wasn’t even 911. A relationship gets rocky after a woman hides vegetables in her boyfriend’s food to keep him alive. Memories of Drag Race, Ripley’s Believe it or Not, and crying to sad cowboy music. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

00:58:42

YOU ROLLED OVER LIKE A 711 HOTDOG w/ Lizzy Cassidy

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/06/13

We’re joined by our good friend and REAL horse girl, LIZZY CASSIDY! Lizzy attempts a ladder stunt and sprains her back, and the literal hole in her heart gets filled. A man is reprimanded for using peanut butter in a sexual manner. Memories of Disney kids, genitals going numb, and men who collect bones! Follow Lizzy @lizzycassidy and her pod @closecallspodcast For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

00:41:32

I HAVE TO FEED THE WORM INSIDE ME

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/06/06

Ali re-enacts shitting out a parasitic worm. Brittany won’t try her anxiety meds because she thinks they’ll make her anxious. In Boston, Ali’s father gives a meandering prayer, Brittany gets diarrhea, and we figure out the formula for all pop punk. A man asks whether it’s strange that he repeatedly sprays a child he doesn’t know with a hose. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your

00:44:54

YOU KNOW THOSE SCIENCE PUSSY RATS

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/05/30

Ali and Brittany are at an overstimulating comedy holiday party! Ali cheats at the ice challenge and roasts a tennis player. Brittany gets a psychic reading and finds out she doesn’t have scoliosis. A woman is devastated at the possibility that a dumb orange cat is being stereotyped. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

00:56:22

CUCKED BY THE ALGORITHM w/ Mike Recine

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/05/23

Mike Recine, our number one fan, is on!! Mike knows more about us through the pod than our dads ever will. If you want Ali’s full address, keep listening! Katy Perry is JonBenet Ramsey and mountains are tree stumps. A woman is ready to leave her boyfriend after he beats their inside joke to death. Memories of Nathan For You’s chili and Blippi’s Harlem shake poop. Follow Mike Recine @mikerecinecomedy, check out his pod @outforsmokespod, and go see him in Charlotte, NC at the Comedy Zone June

00:45:46

I CAN'T POOP UNTIL I MAKE 10 CIRCLES

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/05/16

Brittany relives trauma of listening to a lady moan while eating carrots and apples and she wasn’t even a horse. Ali’s dog thinks she’s the mayor of NYC and is stressed out about referendums and taking a sh*t right. Ali spirals because she thinks Brittany’s dead. An adult man is jealous of a cat named Puff. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com theme music

00:55:33

I DONT KNOW IF YOU’VE SEEN A FISH

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/05/09

Brittany’s dad invents a toilet that "works exactly as advertised." She helps him sell them and never once laughs. Ali’s mom has a crush on her carpet cleaner, but he’s only interested in birds. Ali and Brittany do impressions of crows. A man starts a ketchup business and forces his friends to act in a script he wrote about it. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

00:49:45

THEY’RE JUST MAD ABOUT A SANDWICH w/ Onika McLean

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/05/02

We’re joined by special guest, Onika McLean!! Onika gets high, asks a friend to follower her, then almost calls the cops. Having ADHD is like a Parent Teachers Association in your head. Ali could recognize her mom’s bush in a lineup. Brittany accidentally pranks her grandparents into cleaning up fake dog sh*t. Follow Onika McLean @onikacomedy, and check out her podcast Generation X to Z. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want

00:50:39

NOW I'M A MOTORCYCLE

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/04/25

In her college admission essay, Ali equates joining an improv team to a famous Tarantino scene. Brittany writes Mission To Mars and Gravity, and accidentally Rick Rolls Comedy Central. A man begs his wife to let him distribute her teeth when she dies. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com theme music by Adam Turay

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Worthless Clowns

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