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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

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All Episodes

01:46:44

Lunar: Silver Star Part 4 - I Would Simply Say No...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/08/07

Square Roots - Episode 375 Oh boy! We get to meet so many dragons, and yet... not in time? Yeah, we get a lot of very brief dragon encounters, but not the Bad Dragon kind, in this chunker of Game Arts's Lunar. Sadly no Matthew's game because we were on a tight time schedule. Also: - A Campaign of Terror Against My Friends and Family - I Was A Drunk Six Year Old - The Secret Origin of Duran Duran's A View To A Kill - We Don't Like Slapping Music - He Smiled To Make Vanessa Melt - You Gotta Tag Your

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48:12

This is Squoopardy!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/07/31

We're running a bonus episode from last year as a confluence of events stopped us from recording, so please: enjoy a Johnny's Stupid Game from 2022! Squoopardy is the hottest new game show craze! Play along with our hosts in the bonus episode using these three boards: Squoopardy: https://jeopardylabs.com/play/squoopardy Double Squoopardy: https://jeopardylabs.com/play/double-squoopardy Final Squoopardy: https://jeopardylabs.com/play/final-squoopardy

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02:39:54

Lunar: Silver Star Part 3 - Justin Fied

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/07/24

Square Roots - Episode 374 Are you ready for an action packed episode of Lunar: Silver Star Something? Oh boy. So much happens on this episode of Square Roots, from double betrayals in the game to Matthew's Stupid Game finding its special groove. So join us on a Bromide packed journey! Also: - We Pitch "The Jewell Thief" - Jem Wasn't Outrageous - The Beach Is The Best M Night Shyamalan Movie Of The Past 20 Years (Derogatory) - Lunar Non-Pervy Run Challenge Level: Impossible - Mascot Nathan Drake -

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02:05:22

Lunar: Silver Star Part 2 - Frot With Peril

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/07/17

Square Roots - Episode 373 MORE DIAL OF DESTINY SPOILERS AT 25:10! *SORRY* We all get seduced by an elf man with some kind of lyre in this deeply erotic episode of Square Roots. We're looking at the second chunker of Lunar: Silver Star where we find pornography in Vane's magic library, meet Austin Powers, and become landlords. Also: - Star Wars Courtroom Drama - Woiked for the Weapers - Wolverine, the Twink With the Claws - That's What Working Designs Does - The Translator Was Very Hungry This Week:

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02:46:57

Lunar: Silver Star Part 1 - If You Open Them There's...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/07/10

Square Roots - Episode 372 Alright, it's back to real retro RPGs now! And we've got Game Arts's Lunar: Silver Star. Or Silver Star Story. Or Silver Star Complete. Or Silver Star Harmony? Or Silver Star Touch? It's complicated and we don't totally understand. Also: - Matthew's Game 1, Everybody Else 0 - The Father Looks Like *REDACTED* - Johnny Loves His Frame Rates - 90s Waynes World Speak - The Job of Women is to Ruin Men's Fun - They're All In Love With Dyne And They're Doing It In Texas This

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02:40:02

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Part 7 - Ramsay Is Out, We're...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/07/03

Square Roots - Episode 371 We plow through another gazillion hours of games (if you're Canadian, 2.5 hours if you're Jim) as we finish Final Fantasy 7 Remake and the Intermission DLC. There's a lot to go through, like Matthew and Vanessa hating the swirling tornado of fate, Johnny and Jim on team defendy, and a zooming close up on a pom. Also: - Guess Whodo? - Johnny Flubs His Game Again - The Metaverse Is So Hot Right Now - A Sexy Stocking Bomb - Jim's Amazing Prank - Final Fantasy Gets Kingdom

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02:14:15

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Part 6 - I've Looked At Cloud...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/06/26

Square Roots - Episode 370 Johnny's back and has two weeks pent up of his usual Scary Movie / Family Guy style reference humour. The other hosts grudgingly tolerate it. But it's a great chunk of the game, cut a little short because it turned out to be super long. We've got the sneaky climb up Shinra tower, office politics, a bored mayor, our first chunk of Jenova, a pointless dungeon, and so much lore to figure out. Also: - The Most Boring Opening Tangent Ever, According to Jim - Johnny Flubs His

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02:16:12

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Part 5 - No One Cares About...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/06/19

Square Roots - Episode 369 It's a rare Johnnyless episode today but Vanessa, Jim and Matthew pick up the slack! That's right, Matthew has his own stupid game! Vanessa pushes along the quest log! Matthew licks Pringles! On this chunker of Final Fantasy 7 Remake: NOTHING HAPPENS, but somehow it takes 11 hours of game time. Also: - Labe Flapping - Ramsay Can't Solve Alcoholism - It's Mako Town - The Hat Guy Fandom This Week: We finish Chapter 15! Next Week: We finish the main game! Our Patreon:

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02:39:34

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Part 4 - The Flamingo Dress

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/06/12

Square Roots - Episode 368 We get an exclusive VIP pass to the Honeybee Inn, but where we really want to go to is Haunted House. We hear they even have a trap door! On this chunker of Square Roots we get derailed talking about this chunk of Final Fantasy 7 Remake because Jim has watched too much I Think You Should Leave and Vanessa ponders the wisdom of doing her own solo podcast like You Must Remember This. Also: - We Can't Come Up With Our Own Things - Jim Saw Mr. Boogedy - He Got Pushed Off - You

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02:14:41

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Part 3 - The Second Tallest...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/06/05

Square Roots - Episode 367 On this chunker we get into the pridiest, queeriest, most flamboyant portion of Final Fantasy 7 Remake: The Wall Market! Also: - James Burke and Celebrity Crushes - Michelle Pfieffer as Aerith's Mom - Tanktops and Salmon Shorts - What If They Find Out Cool Ryder is Roche? - What Else Am I Gonna Do With a Robo Hand? - Tuba Harassment - That's the Patriarchy For You This Week: Cloud gets a hand massage to completion at the Wall Market! Next Week: We finish Chapter 12 in

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02:49:30

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Part 2 - A Love Square

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/05/29

Square Roots - Episode 366 On this chunker of Final Fantasy 7 Remake, it's all about Roche. Who is Roche? Who does his hair? What other games has Roche been in? What movies does Roche like? If you were going to get Roche a gift, what should you get him? Also: - Sloppy Steaks - I'm Talking About Shafts - Matt is a Shinra Truther - That's What The Horns Are For - We Didn't Talk ABout Politics - Sympathetic Back Pain - So Horny For Cloud This Week: We finish Chapter 7 in Final Fantasy VII Remake! Next

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02:27:44

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Part 1 - Super Overpowered...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/05/22

Square Roots - Episode 365 It's a new game! Or maybe an old game. But it's new to some of us, and that's the important part. Except that we've all played Final Fantasy 7. But is this a remake? It's complicated. On this life blood of the planet sucking episode we do the first reactor bombing run, get derailed and run into someone who shouldn't be there, and find some cats. Also: - The Worst Kind of Admiration - A Time Usage Breakdown of 60 Minute Man - Johnny's Overrated Game (JOG) - The Smell of

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02:02:46

Baldur's Gate Part 8 - A Lethite

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/05/15

Square Roots - Episode 364 We finally finish Baldur's Gate: Siege of Dragonspear and everyone gets smooches! Except Jim. We all meet our ideal matches that we'd descend to the first level of fantasy hell with, and then do just that! But none of us expect the... extended finale and one heck of a cliffhanger! Also: - Being Insistent About Your Apathy - Either Vaguely Threatening Or A Wet Blanket - Shakira & DJ Khaled - Matthew Just Likes The Attention - Zelda's So Hot Right Now This Week: We finish

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02:15:04

Baldur's Gate Part 7 - Git Gud (At Reading...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/05/08

Square Roots - Episode 363 Vanessa drops hot Nabokov bombs and asks everyone to come at her in this classy episode of Square Roots. Before we get into Baldur's Gate: Siege of Dragonspear's chunky middle chapters there is THE BIGGEST BETRAYAL IN SQUARE ROOTS HISTORY during this week's Smush Mouth. Also: - Jim Lives Forever - You Just Sound Like A Canadian Who Can't Talk Right - Jahiera Jahiera! - Rituo Chamo - You Can't Have A Cuck Cuck You - A Skie Trip This Week: We reach the underground river

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02:12:14

Baldur's Gate Part 6 - Barbecue Soup

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/05/01

Square Roots - Episode 362 Dive into this sickly sweet bowl of soup, which is definitely not just BBQ sauce. Today's flavours are the first chunk of the rather chunky and expansive Siege of Dragonspear DLC for BioWare's Baldur's Gate - we had to reduce what we covered due to this game just being real big. It turns out Siege of Dragonspear is actually pretty new? And pretty good? Also: - Your Dad's Impressions - Vanessa's Ratatouille Moment - There's Some Whores in this Castle - Jack Black's Mars

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01:49:56

Baldur's Gate Part 5 - Curse of Many Orgasms

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/04/24

Square Roots - Episode 361 We try to carefully navigate the discussion of Safana's confident sexuality without judgment, and the results are mixed. Is she living her truth or a Lady Issun? On this chunker of Square Roots we battle Saravok if the game doesn't glitch out, as well as try and figure out what sort of chaos he was planning in Baldur's Gate. Oh yeah, there's also jerk Skeleton archers, a James Bond mini adventure, and so much more! Also: - Pete Does Not Have A Sexy Voice - George Lucas Was

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01:54:50

Baldur's Gate Part 4 - D&D: Hat

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/04/17

Square Roots - Episode 360 Join Johnny "Bhaal Boy" Brandon and Straight Girl Vanessa as well as Matthew and Jim as we allllmost finish Baldur's Gate, but then don't. So yeah, there's gonna be a couple more episodes! In this chunker instead we (except Johnny) visit Ulgoth's Beard and then including Johnny attack Durlag's Tower, a fiendish den of traps and trappery. Also: - Who wrote the West Wing? - CHAHLEE MAH BAYBEE - All That Smushes is Mouth - Matthew Loves Wolf-Weres - Secret Pro Level Chess

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01:54:30

Baldur's Gate Part 3 - You Can't Trust These Murder...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/04/10

Square Roots - Episode 359 There's a big city out there to discover, and that city is the eponymous BALDUR'S GATE! Does it have a Baldur's Gay Village? Can you purchase a Baldur's Gateaux? Will you meet a whole bunch of doppelgängers? Is there finally a revelation about your secret heritage everyone has been hinting at? YOU BET. Also: - Vanessa Says Do Do - The Twist! - Doppelgänger Negging - What About Bhaal? - A Hotel Full of Slimes - The Saga of the Half-Life 2 Gnome Achievement - Sephiroth Will

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02:15:43

Baldur's Gate Part 2 - Yakuzsazsa Gabor

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/04/03

Square Roots - Episode 358 Uh oh, someone didn't finish this chunker and it's not who you think! This week Johnny bombs trying to make his own Answer Smoosh, Vanessa has found true wizardly love, and we clear out some bandits AND yet another mine! Also: - A Real Cabinet Meeting - Famous Vanessa Catchphrase "Time to Die" - Tampopokémon Red - Blacktalons & Chill - Matthew's Accidental Dream Corner - Our Listeners are Educated and Informed This Week: We finish Chapter 4! Next Week: We finish Chapter 5

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02:48:42

Baldur's Gate Part 1 - Hashtag Chaotic Good Lifestyle

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/03/27

Square Roots - Episode 357 BioJanuWarey is over, welcome to Marchioware? BioMare? BioWarch? In this swashbuckling episode of Square Roots we all adopt old timey accents and swing into the thick of Faerun in Baldur's Gate. There's magicks! Hobgoblins! Spiders! And a walking 1990s meme! Also: - Iambic Poonslammiter - Happy Bear Day - Answer Smoosh - Jizzle Physics - Another Bad Dragon Situation This Week: We clear out chapter 2 (Nashkel Mines) in Baldur's Gate! Next Week: Chapters 3 and 4 and maybe 5

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