PODCAST

Worthless Clowns

a podcast about how stupid we all are, hosted by NYC comedians Ali O"Neil & Brittany Cardwell

comedy

All Episodes

00:47:30

EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT BALLOONS

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/04/18

Brittany has a sex dream about a friend that was not at all sexual, and sees a ghost balloon. Ali gets to meet RuPaul, but then her dead dog spoils it. The podcast gets renamed “Panasonic.” A couple forces their wedding guests to wear and act out hand puppets. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com theme music by Adam Turay

00:57:34

LIKE A DEAD BODY THROWN IN A LAKE w/ Josh Johnson

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/04/11

Josh Johnson—our very special guest and friend—won’t jump up and down with excitement until he reaches $1 million net worth, or gets sent back in time to the release date of Mrs. Doubtfire. Brittany thinks talking about throwing dead bodies into a lake is relatable. A woman who falls after getting her heels stuck in the subway grating tries to matrix herself out of it. A girlfriend gets placeboed into eating plain spaghetti. Check out Josh’s special on Peacock, listen to his pod, “The Josh Johnson

00:46:25

YOU'RE MY DREAM GIRL

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/04/04

Ali and Brittany recap their traumatic experience of having to listen to themselves talk about dogs for way too long on an ep of the pod. Brittany goes speed dating and meets nine engineers and one guy who probably murdered somebody. Ali gaslights everyone she loves but only about coffee and popcorn. A dude is mad at his girlfriend about an energy drink. A stranger chronicles their rocky relationship. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali

00:48:59

HEY EVERYBODY! TIM IS A CARROT BOY!

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/03/28

Ali tries to trick Brittany into taking an online test that Brittany already knows everything about. A hot doctor makes Brittany too nervous to ask important questions about a procedure, and she's still not sure if they’re dating! A grown man with PTSD about carrots tries to redeem himself at a high school reunion. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

00:51:11

THIS B*TCH DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A MUSICAL w/ Maggie Lalley

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/03/21

You’ll love this week’s guest—Maggie Lalley! She had THIS POD on her vision board and look what happened! Maggie gets herself out of her mental spiral on United Airlines by criticizing a colleague for not even having a musical. Hey did you know that if you play her musical, “Sex Witch,” backwards it becomes a hymn? Brittany can’t get over a date’s very cold, wet mouth, and goes to a fluoride protest just for the hang. Ali is afraid to talk too much about her new obsession with air marshals. A young

00:40:50

I LIKE TO TREAT MY FRIENDS TO LITTLE JOKES

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/03/14

Brittany gets high on life and Tetris and becomes a dude for the night. Ali smokes weed for the first time, causing Jesus to lose a limb and her mom to go the hospital. A man acts like he’s writing a book, throws a steak at a window then decides to eat dust. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com theme music by Adam Turay

00:50:21

A PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE LOUGIE

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/03/07

Brittany sees an alien and ectoplasm at the same time, and bonds with her brothers by puking in piles. Ali gets mono, flashes her doctor, and draws her mom with huge knockers. A husband is only asking two things of his wife: for her to knit hats and cease developing mentally. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com theme music by Adam Turay

01:09:40

WHEN BOOGERS WERE BIG, w/ Shane Torres

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/02/28

Shane Torres joins us!! We turn into The Korn Pod. Shane is impressed by a bread-throwing child. Brittany tries to hatch chickens with blankets and cure cancer with snot. Ali’s impression of Brittany is Brittany’s impression of Ali. A man tries too hard to answer a “guess what” question and gets punished with reading assignments. Go see Shane live at his special taping!! March 18th at the Sultan Room, 8pm and 10pm, tickets at https://www.thesultanroom.com Follow Shane @shanetorres, and check out his

00:48:54

I'M NOT BEING RUDE, I'M JUST IN A TIME LOOP

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/02/21

THANKSGIVING STORIES IN FEBRUARY! Brittany gets stuck in time then yells at a child. Ali realizes not all Thanksgivings end in fighting over an insect tattoo. Brittany breaks stuff with Fred Durst and the boys. A man morns the loss of his McDonald app points. Ali and Brittany relive childhood coupon trauma. Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali

00:46:37

HAVING A SEIZURE, BUT AS A HORSE

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/02/14

Brittany pretends to ride a horse and ends up moshing hard, alone in a field. If you can’t talk about three very specific things then you will never be friends with Ali. A girl ends up with a scary friend after overlooking obvious clues for several months. Brittany has done this before. Memories of chat roulette, pain olympics, and Simpsons p*rn. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil theme music by Adam Turay

01:02:36

I F*CKED A TAIWANESE ROLLER BLADER, w/ Sean Patton

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/02/07

This week we have a very special guest—Sean Patton, the Snickers bar of friends! Sean’s bowel movement ends in a super power. Ali’s on a train thinking nobody but Brittany can see all the d*cks in her mouth. A woman dims down her farming abilities for her very secure husband. Follow Sean @mrseanpatton and check out his special, “Number One,” on Peacock! For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the

00:44:20

FLIRTING WITH THE DELIMEN

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/01/31

Ali tells us about her dog’s dragging nipples and strategies for chatting up deli men. Brittany thinks telling Hinge dudes about her dad’s Panasonic t-shirt is a way of flirting. A wife has a strange water preference that her husband does not understand. In fear of being cut off, she starts hoarding. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com And for

00:44:32

LISA BONET, WHO I TRUST WITH MY WHOLE HEART

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/01/24

After clogging the toilet, Ali is finally able to perform grief for her relatives. The two dudes wearing freaky ass masks on Brittany’s train become fast friends. A male human marks his territory, then blames the cat. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Also this week.. Brittany’s recording a joint album with Josh Johnson & Lucas Connolly! Come out this Wednesday Jan 25th 8pm and 10pm. Tickets at

00:44:31

I JO'D AND MY GRANDPA DIED, w/ Eitan Levine

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/01/17

Eitan Levine (our first guest and good friend!!) gets to scream his negative memories of Ted Cruz directly at Ted Cruz, and goes viral for it. Brittany avoids existential dread by making a scrapbook of family trips to Lowe’s Home Improvement. After losing her virginity, Ali interprets burning piss as punishment from on high. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil. Follow Eitan Levine @eitanthegoalie, watch him on Amazon’s

00:46:14

MY POOPY-BUTT WIFE CAN’T SPEAK GOOD

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/01/17

Ali wakes up to an embarrassing Google search and her hands down her pants. Brittany explains her very stupid strategy for avoiding doing something dumb while she dies in a plane crash. A man who hates his wife’s poor grammar decides to fix it by cyberbullying her from multiple accounts. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com Theme music by Adam

00:52:31

TRUST IN YOUR ABILITY TO IDENTIFY A LIZARD

Worthless Clowns ·

2023/01/17

Brittany and Ali are in New Orleans for a comic wedding! A swamp tour guide barely talks about the bayou and instead tells us his very personal and devastating memories. Ali curls her hair for four hours and starts snapping at everyone she loves. Brittany fucked up her three chances to be in the movie What We Do In the Shadows. A dude’s sex playlist contains a regrettable song. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want

136 results

Worthless Clowns

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