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PODCAST

Stay Soft, Stay Open

A podcast about vulnerability, courage, and creativity. I"m your host, Jieun Ko. staysoftstayopen.substack.com

arts mental health

All Episodes

00:17:04

Gajok, Ep. #99: April 25, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/26

We successfully recorded our fourth song of the year! We recorded it in two days instead of one, and we recorded it a whole week early! Woohoo, progress! This song is called, "Prospect Park." I wrote it in April 2020, only a month into the pandemic when everything was shut down, while going on my daily morning walk around Prospect Park. I was surprised by how difficult this song was to record — I thought it was going to get progressively easier with each song we recorded. But I think each

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00:25:17

Gajok, Ep. #98: April 24, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/24

As a Korean American woman, an immigrant, and a child of immigrants, failure has never felt like an option. This drove me to be perfectionistic — my worth was tied to how well I performed in everything I ever did. Whenever I made every mistake, I didn't feel like I had failed — I felt like I was a failure. I have been trying to heal this part of myself, give myself space to fail, even if I'm in my 30s and it feels impermissible to fail "at this age." I'm learning to take pride

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00:22:49

Gajok, Ep. #97: April 23, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/23

I really wish I could be a wizard or a witch and *bibbity-bobbity-boo* all of my annoying chores. I wish teleportation was a real thing. I wonder if I need these superhuman powers because I live in New York City, where things like groceries, laundry, dishwashing, getting from one place to another, and generally existing is so much more inconvenient here than in other places? I miss Laundry City. I miss my apartment from when I was 22 years old that they're in the process of gut-renovating. I

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00:14:08

Gajok, Ep. #96: April 22, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/22

I feel my depression lifting, my grief becoming easier to carry, and I feel both relieved and sad about it. I feel like the weather, the medication, and my own spirit are moving me into a new season of grief, where I can also experience joy and hope. I feel like I'm carrying my grief more skillfully. I feel more comfortable showing up in spaces with my grief. It doesn't feel like a scarlet letter anymore — it feels like a part of me, like an arm or a leg. My grief will continue to change,

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00:22:50

Gajok, Ep. #95: April 19, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/20

I went to the Asian Boss Girl Meet-Up and I had a really good time. I met up with someone from the Return to Jeong group and we both found out we're from Northern Virginia, and even went to the same church. I'm learning how to carry my grief with me wherever I go — I'm learning how to weave it into my conversations with people. And my comfort with my grief makes me feel less stressed over socializing because I can just be fully me. I was reminded tonight how much I truly am an extrovert,

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00:22:43

Gajok, Ep. #94: April 18, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/18

I got my oral surgery done this morning for my dental implant, and it could've definitely been worse, but I also hate going to the dentist and getting any work done. I also hate how entrenched in the patriarchy Korea has been for so many generations. Growing up, my mom told me that when women gave birth to boys, they would have a celebration, but when women gave birth to girls, they would cry. This is the type of society that my mom grew up in, and then she passed this self-hatred and

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00:21:10

Gajok, Ep. #93: April 17, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/18

I'm getting oral surgery for a dental implant tomorrow morning. I'm also going to the Asian Boss Girl New York City Meet-Up on Friday. Throughout my life, for most of my life, I have struggled with deep insecurities of not feeling feminine enough. I'm trying to retrain my brain to know and believe that I am feminine enough. That I could literally do anything, and that thing would be feminine — because I am a woman.⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Support the

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00:24:54

Gajok, Ep. #92: April 16, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/17

On Sunday, we had our third Return to Jeong gathering and it was the best one yet! We shared food, we talked about identity, and we shared our different perspectives on our own Korean American experiences, as immigrants, first generation Korean Americans, transracial adoptees, descendants of Korean adoptees, and biracial Koreans. This community is something that I've needed for such a long time. I love how committed everyone is to learning and growing together. If you're Korean and you live

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00:19:58

Gajok, Ep. #91: April 15, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/15

I met with my grief group — in person! — for the second time on Saturday! We're trying to meet monthly, in addition to our biweekly virtual calls. We did this one potluck style at one of our grief friends' apartments. Greg came and got to meet all my grief friends for the first time. He said, "I loved how you all were able to weave grief in and out of your conversations so seamlessly. This is how it should be in all spaces." Grief should feel comfortable to talk about in all

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00:17:21

Gajok, Ep. #90: April 12, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/13

Greg and I bought and built an IKEA Stall shoe cabinet today. Maybe that doesn't sound that exciting to you, but I have been looking for a shoe storage solution for our apartment since 2022, after I sold our last shoe storage situation. I have bought and returned so many shoe racks and cabinets. I have done so much shoe storage research. Living in New York means having limited space. Living in New York means feeling excited when you finally figure out a shoe storage solution.⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Support the

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00:22:38

Gajok, Ep. #89: April 11, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/11

I went on my morning walk! Whenever I feel proud of myself for doing something that's difficult for me or new to me, I simultaneously feel shame. The inner critic goes, "Why should you be proud of yourself for doing the smallest, most insignificant thing? Walking? Anyone can do that. Do you want a cookie? You should've been walking this whole time. You're lazy, you have no discipline, and you're not taking good enough care of your body, and that's why you haven't been

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00:09:18

Gajok, Ep. #88: April 10, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/11

I'm going to try to reincorporate my morning walks into my daily routine again. My morning walks are my favorite way to start my day — listening to a podcast, walking around Prospect Park, and taking in all the scenes of nature. I'm also going to try to make 깍두기 and 무채 with the two giant 무 I bought from H-Mart a couple weeks ago. I've been incorporating more cooking, and Korean cooking, into our weekly rhythms, but these 무 are just sitting in the back of our refrigerator. I'm going

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00:17:13

Gajok, Ep. #87: April 9, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/09

Grief comes up when the seasons change. Grief comes up when I change my winter clothes out for my summer clothes. Grief comes up when I clean my apartment. Grief comes up on the first warm day of the year. Grief comes up when so many people are out on the streets, living life and enjoying themselves. Grief comes up before I go to sleep. Grief comes up in my dreams. Grief comes up when I wake up in the morning. Grief lives with me. Grief is the life partner I never asked for. Grief is the

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00:19:35

Gajok, Ep. #86: April 8, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/08

Last Friday, there was an earthquake. Today, there was a solar eclipse — total in some places, but not in New York City. And yesterday, I cleaned our bedroom and our closets and figured out how to store a bike in the freaking closet. When you live in New York City, finding storage space and finding more efficient ways to store your stuff will make your freaking day. ⁠⁠Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:08:53

Gajok, Ep. #85: April 5, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/06

The struggle to sleep continues — but last night was the first night in a while that I was able to sleep through the night, even with a middle-of-the-night wake-up, so that's a win. I'm trying to have a better nighttime and sleep routine, so I tried sleeping earlier last night, I stayed off all screens 30 minutes before bed, I put my sleep mask on, and I counted sheep.⁠⁠⁠Support the

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00:13:08

Gajok, Ep. #84: April 4, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/05

In New York City, things that should be convenient — like grocery shopping and laundry — are the most inconvenient things that cause a legitimate amount of stress, in a city that's already pretty stressful. Today, we did our first full grocery run at Whole Foods in Park Slope — with an outdoor parking lot! And holy shit, it was a dream. When life is hard, not having to stress the fuck out about groceries is really nice. ⁠⁠Support the

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00:17:05

Gajok, Ep. #85: April 4, 2024, v. 1

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/04

Even though I needed to lose all the friends that I lost over the last four years, it doesn't change the fact that I also have to grieve all of those losses. When I needed some of my friends the most, they left me. I struggled, and I still struggle, with internalizing the situation as somehow my fault, or that something must be wrong with me for my friends to leave me in my greatest time of need. But upon hearing the stories of other cancer fighters and caregivers, I came to realize that shitty

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00:23:33

Gajok, Ep. #83: April 3, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/04

I feel enraged by the lack of support for grievers in the aftermath of a death that shattered their worlds. I feel enraged by our society's avoidance and fear of acknowledging and engaging with death. I feel enraged by how much attention is given to birth, and how little attention is given to death. I feel enraged by how much is expected of grievers disturbingly soon after they witnessed someone die right before their very eyes. I feel enraged by anyone asking grievers for anything, as if they

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00:25:07

Gajok, Ep. #82: April 2, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/03

We released our March song of the month, "Blue Skies," on Sunday! I am incredibly proud of us. It's been really hard to follow through on our commitment to record a song every month of the year, but with some courage, vulnerability, and a lot of intentionality, we've done it every month so far. Recording this podcast every day has been a really helpful tool during the hardest time of my life. It's been my safe space to process my messy emotions. It's been a constant, even

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00:27:27

Gajok, Ep. #81: April 1, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/04/02

Greg's in this episode, but you mostly hear him eating pizza, ASMR-style. Tonight, I was a part of the first listening session, collaboratively hosted by Asian American Arts Alliance and Bang & Olufsen! I hung out with four other incredible Asian American artists — singers, songwriters, flautists, guitarists, pianists, and musical composers. I got to listen to our songs: Together Apart, Always, This Body, Brooklyn, and Blue Skies — which we just released yesterday! It was an incredible

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241 results

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