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PODCAST

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back

Conor Lastowka and Michael J. Nelson are reading books they"re pretty sure they"re going to hate. Read along with us for a podcast book clubs of Ready Player One, Armada, The Eye of Argon, Dan Brown, and more!

comedy books

All Episodes

2:16:47

Episode 86 – Charlie says, “Huh…”

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/10/20

How em dash HOW em dash is this book not about Charlie hauling in a world record white perch, or at the very least the story of him getting a treble hook buried into his thigh? Why not page after page of Carlisle being tutored in Courtly Italian by some foppish vampire with a high … Continue reading "Episode 86 – Charlie says, “Huh…”"

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2:17:52

Episode 85 – Throbbing Wetly

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/10/06

Twilight but as told from the vampire’s point of view, continues to be a collection of words strung together in mostly coherent fashion, with occasional digressions to count thousands of insects. There you go, Little Brown, you can use that as a quote on the cover of the paperback. We hit the halfway mark during … Continue reading "Episode 85 – Throbbing Wetly"

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2:12:57

Episode 84 – RIP Orlando Calderas Wallace

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/09/24

If you like Cline-ian pop culture lists you are in for a treat! In this episode Mike and Conor break down Bella’s likes / dislikes, turn-ons / turn-offs, preferences for types of flowers / er, preferring not to encounter other types of flowers, etc. Conor again dives to the dark web to widen our understanding … Continue reading "Episode 84 – RIP Orlando Calderas Wallace"

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2:18:39

Episode 83 – Lanny

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/09/04

Yes, we talk about things other than Lanny. But we don’t want to! You’ll all be thrilled to learn that Mike drained the budget to reunite the 372 Players, that Mike scores, um, pretty, pretty well on the Real or Fanfic challenge. There’s tons of Dumb Sentences and Conor dives to the dark web. But … Continue reading "Episode 83 – Lanny"

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2:07:48

Episode 82 – The Comedy Stylings of Emmett

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/08/21

So many words, so many of them “monster”! A jam-packed episode: Conor sails through several Sonic Challenges Mike, ahem, sails through Real or Fanfic Our listeners mail in and we steal it Believe it or not there are plenty of Dumb Sentences. There are GOFFS! (get it?) Special thanks to our patreon supporters! Get every … Continue reading "Episode 82 – The Comedy Stylings of Emmett"

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28:49

Episode 81 – Book 14

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/08/07

Let’s read another terrible book! But first, a story (By listener request!) about the time Mike inherited a house. It does not go well. This should be a fun one, let’s start by reading through Chapter 4!

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2:12:41

Episode 80 – ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!11” We shooted

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/07/24

Mike and Conor try to make sense of this madness. They come up empty. Still, there are highlights: Conor does a sonic challenge sexily. Mike manages not to follow a single plot point. The Dumb Sentences of the Week burst forth like milk and honey from the promised land. (Dumb despite the great work from … Continue reading "Episode 80 – ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!11” We shooted"

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2:08:46

Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/07/11

Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of My Immortal! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript. A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike … Continue reading "Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower"

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2:15:34

Episode 78 – My Immortal

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/06/30

The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include: Shakespeare, several times Dickens Sir Arthur Conan Doyle The Bible Thelonius Monk And more! Conor unveils his Cockney accent, and it is QUITE something. Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns … Continue reading "Episode 78 – My Immortal"

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14:08

Book 13 Announcement

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/06/22

We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon. Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.

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2:36:52

Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND.

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/06/03

The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about! While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by … Continue reading "Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND."

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1:57:27

Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/05/26

The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book! Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive! And we meet a ninety-pound live wire! Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus … Continue reading "Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza"

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2:22:35

Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/05/13

Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception. As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, … Continue reading "Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’"

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2:08:57

Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/05/05

Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.” Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with … Continue reading "Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!"

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2:12:09

Episode 73 – Enter Halite

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/04/21

This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory. From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch … Continue reading "Episode 73 – Enter Halite"

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2:15:04

Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/04/13

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!* Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out. All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle … Continue reading "Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo"

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2:01:52

Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/04/06

A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners. We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets … Continue reading "Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny"

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2:19:45

Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/03/10

Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still … Continue reading "Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs"

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2:15:45

Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/03/03

In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell! Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with … Continue reading "Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People"

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2:12:27

Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/02/18

Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s: -DMC’s never before seen method of writing … Continue reading "Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s"

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