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PODCAST

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back

Conor Lastowka and Michael J. Nelson are reading books they"re pretty sure they"re going to hate. Read along with us for a podcast book clubs of Ready Player One, Armada, The Eye of Argon, Dan Brown, and more!

comedy books

All Episodes

2:08:46

Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/07/11

Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of My Immortal! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript. A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike … Continue reading "Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower"

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2:15:34

Episode 78 – My Immortal

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/06/30

The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include: Shakespeare, several times Dickens Sir Arthur Conan Doyle The Bible Thelonius Monk And more! Conor unveils his Cockney accent, and it is QUITE something. Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns … Continue reading "Episode 78 – My Immortal"

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14:08

Book 13 Announcement

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/06/22

We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon. Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.

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2:36:52

Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND.

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/06/03

The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about! While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by … Continue reading "Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND."

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1:57:27

Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/05/26

The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book! Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive! And we meet a ninety-pound live wire! Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus … Continue reading "Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza"

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2:22:35

Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/05/13

Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception. As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, … Continue reading "Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’"

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2:08:57

Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/05/05

Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.” Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with … Continue reading "Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!"

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2:12:09

Episode 73 – Enter Halite

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/04/21

This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory. From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch … Continue reading "Episode 73 – Enter Halite"

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2:15:04

Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/04/13

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!* Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out. All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle … Continue reading "Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo"

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2:01:52

Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/04/06

A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners. We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets … Continue reading "Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny"

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2:19:45

Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/03/10

Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still … Continue reading "Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs"

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2:15:45

Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/03/03

In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell! Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with … Continue reading "Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People"

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2:12:27

Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/02/18

Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s: -DMC’s never before seen method of writing … Continue reading "Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s"

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8:51

Book 11 Announcement

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/02/10

Here it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages Book 11 … Continue reading "Book 11 Announcement"

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1:56:55

Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/01/30

452 pages, 2 blood whips, and one StagLord later, we have finished SHADOW MOON by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. Much like Thorn/Willow, we are now very tired. Unlike our protagonist, we’ve been lying on the floor for three hours now (being tired) but it has not yet granted us permission to enter. There’s a … Continue reading "Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read"

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2:09:06

Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/01/14

A shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast! The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!) All the … Continue reading "Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys"

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2:06:45

Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2020/01/07

Happy new year everyone! A new decade has dawned and we are still reading Shadow Moon. In this segment, to the author’s credit, some stuff actually happens! Unfortunately what happens is that a nude otter-man crashes through the roof of a tavern and the sacred princess takes a dump. Fortunately, we’re able to gain more … Continue reading "Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can"

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1:58:07

Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2019/12/26

Mike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly “the floor” kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs … Continue reading "Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow"

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2:07:42

Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2019/12/16

A jam-packed episode made all the more thrilling because Mike’s computer crashed twice while making it. Was it ensorcelled by a HardDriveHeron with CrashCharms? We may never know. What else? Pretty straightforward, nothing really stands out — Oh, wait: Willow becomes a floor. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. If you enjoy the podcast, please consider … Continue reading "Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth"

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1:49:04

Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in...

372 Pages We"ll Never Get Back ·

2019/12/10

Gather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse. Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s … Continue reading "Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!”"

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