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PODCAST

Stay Soft, Stay Open

A podcast about vulnerability, courage, and creativity. I"m your host, Jieun Ko. staysoftstayopen.substack.com

arts mental health

All Episodes

00:21:39

Gajok, Ep. #80: March 29, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/30

We recorded our song of the month! Song #3, done! It almost didn't happen because we've both been sick for over a week, but we did it, and I'm proud of us, even if we had to record it three days before the end of the month. Actually, that's one day earlier than the last two months, so progress!Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:29:41

Gajok, Ep. #79: March 28, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/28

I'm finally starting to feel better! AND MY DRIVER'S LICENSE WITH MY NEW PICTURE AND NEW LEGAL NAME FINALLY CAME IN THE MAIL! I was worried about looking bad in the photo, but I look beautiful. And I'm actually really glad I had to take a new picture because it represents who Jieun Ko is. I look sophisticated. I look deep. I look strong. I look firmly rooted in who I am. This photo represents all that I've been through over these last four years — cancer, death, so much loss, and

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00:27:15

Gajok, Ep. #78: March 27, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/28

The massive grief wave of the 6-month anniversary hit me at 11:30 pm last night. We sang "happy birthday" in English and Korean to Gamja because it was her fourth birthday yesterday, and that's what opened the floodgates for me. It reminded me of all the traumatic birthdays we, as a family, had to endure last year. This was the first time singing "happy birthday" to someone since my mom's birthday, which was the day after 아빠 died. I created an Instagram post to

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00:32:20

Gajok, Ep. #77: March 26, 2024 — 6 Months Without 아빠

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/27

Today, Tuesday, March 26, 2024, marks 6 months without 아빠. I'm sick so I slept a lot. I took a COVID test and it was negative. We didn't go to the driving range in Queens. But I did still want to go to Hanareum (H-Mart), so we decided we'd still do that. We talked about how going to H-Mart could be my way of observing every month's death anniversary. We talked about how going to H-Mart could be a way for me to connect with 아빠 and myself. We talked about how eating Korean food lately

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00:28:38

Gajok, Ep. #76: March 25, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/26

I am still sick. I hate how my parents never gave me space to be sick, and I hate that they never gave themselves space to be sick. I hate that occupation, war, and trauma caused them to be stuck in a lifetime of survival mode. I hate that that trauma was passed down to me, through them. I wish that immigrants had more privileges and opportunities. I wish that healthcare was not a privilege for the rich, but a right for all humankind. Being sick is reminding me of all the injustices that the Korean

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00:06:03

Gajok, Ep. #75: March 22, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/23

I almost forgot to record this episode today. That's how disoriented I feel, from continued sleep deprivation, struggling with a cold, and adjusting to taking medication. I literally got out of bed — after trying to fall asleep for an hour — to record this episode.Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:14:36

Gajok, Ep. #74: March 21, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/21

I have a cold. I hate being sick — I really struggle with being sick, validating that I'm sick, and taking care of myself when I'm sick. I also started taking Zoloft three weeks ago after being off of anxiety and depression medication for a year — and that is the culprit of my insomnia. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:12:25

Gajok, Ep. #73: March 20, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/20

Grief makes sleeping so much more difficult, which is shitty because grievers need sleep. Intrusive thoughts, memories, and a brain and body filled with grief — love with nowhere to go. The struggle to sleep continues, but last night was better than the night before. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:12:03

Gajok, Ep. #72: March 19, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/19

Human beings need sleep. I don't know how I functioned at such a high level in my 20s on such little sleep, but in my 30s, I cannot function without sleep. Also, my gums hurt so much from over-flossing. These are a few of the impacts of aging on this human body. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:23:56

Gajok, Ep. #71: March 18, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/18

Cleaning my space makes such a massive impact on my mental health. I was reminded of that on Sunday. The thought of cleaning my space felt massive, daunting, overwhelming, and impossible, to the point where I could not engage with it. But by dealing with the mess one task at a time, those tasks added up, and I had a much cleaner space. And I think this concept can be applied to life, too. Things feel impossible sometimes, and we get overwhelmed. But we just have to take things one step at a time,

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00:12:01

Gajok, Ep. #70: March 15, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/16

Grief doesn't end. It doesn't get easier either. It's a constant ebb and flow of sadness, anger, regret, and frustration. I think it's an injustice that we have to live with grief, from the moment we lose someone until the day that we die. That feels like an injustice.Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:10:58

Gajok, Ep. #69: March 14, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/14

I have more thoughts on Avatar: The Last Airbender and how much I love the show. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:13:07

Gajok, Ep. #68: March 13, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/13

I recently started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender — I only started watching the show because it's an all-Asian cast. But as someone who is not a fan of fantasy or science fiction, this show is making me a believer. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:11:55

Gajok, Ep. #67: March 12, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/12

The seasons changing reminds me of 아빠. Ever since he died, every seasonal change has brought so much grief — summer to fall, fall to winter, and now, winter to spring. I think about what he would be doing if he were still here. I think about what we would be doing together if he were still here. The seasonal changes is a reminder of the passage of time — time I no longer get to spend with 아빠. Support the

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00:13:24

Gajok, Ep. #66: March 11, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/11

I hate Daylight Savings Time. Socializing in grief is exhausting. I'm proud of myself for trying. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:13:28

Gajok, Ep. #65: March 8, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/09

I'm really grateful for solid friends who can create space for all of me — my joy, my sadness, my grief, my disappointment, my anger.Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:12:32

Gajok, Ep. #64: March 7, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/08

I want to learn how to cook Korean food this year, but I hate cooking. I don't want the taste of home to disappear. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:16:31

Gajok, Ep. #63: March 6, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/07

The unrealistic and racist Korean and American beauty standards forced upon Korean American women are an injustice to all women. Fuck every person who ever told me my nose was flat, my face was flat, my head was big, or my body was fat. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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00:13:06

Gajok, Ep. #62: March 5, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/06

Greg and I slept in our bed and our bedroom for the first time last night. It was our first time sleeping in our bed and our bedroom since July of last year, since 아빠 died, since my mom slept in it for the last four months. And I am feeling massive grief. The grief is always there, like a constant hum in the background of my life. But there are times where it builds and grows, and eventually releases. That was today, while recording this episode. Support the

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00:12:45

Gajok, Ep. #61: March 4, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/03/05

I'm experiencing the effects of burnout today. I can't bounce back like I used to in my 20s. Support the Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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241 results

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