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PODCAST

No Rangers Allowed

selectbutton dot net

Dungeons "n Dragons, house ruled to death, as played by weird and weary videogame snobs. Starring a desertwalking Zoroastrian dwarf druid; a backwoods halfling elftaku, master of banjo, jaw harp and double flute; an emo cat-summoning death cleric; and a filthy, feral anarcho-syndicalist barbarian. A Selectbutton Gaiden podcast. Join us at www.selectbutton.net Radical show icon by art subgenius @BachelorSoft

leisure games

All Episodes

03:13:00

Episode 25.5: Swords Without a Clue

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/12/02

A very special bonus episode of No Rangers Allowed. The gang is together! Like in the real life! We take the opportunity to play a one-shot of Swords Without Master, a wonderful system of narrative manipulation. Turns out we are all just as ridiculous face to face as we are on the internet.

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02:50:42

Episode 25: Icon of Sin

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/11/21

The party makes a moonroof to imbue their sweet rhymes with astronomical significance. There are some very bad plants, and some very good plants. The gang discovers a treasure trove, both literally and metaphorically, and encounters a brief history of perversion, as well as a longer history of more important matters. No real progress towards processing the trauma of watching a horseman being beaten into paste occurs.

en

02:21:27

Episode 24: Oh, My Centaur

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/10/25

Peripheral contact with the dreaded Riddle Weasel is not enough to keep our party from their prey, and BJ from his bloody destiny. Bernie rolls triple sixes, proving that this is truly Satan's game. But it's not all fun and games; grim revenge casts a dark cloud over the party, one that threatens to open old wounds, and make new ones.

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02:02:39

Episode 23: Mission Incredulous

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/10/03

There is a disagreement regarding Ven's insecurities and the party's abuse of his naive trust. Only a sucking, slurping, whispering void of ASMR can rescue the party from this damning lack of esprit de corps. It ends in fire, as our disagreements tend to do. Due to technical difficulties, Miles wears BJ's skin. Sorry.

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02:45:18

Episode 22: Hair Mettle

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/09/24

So there's technically plenty of adventure in this episode - adorable puzzle weasels, Irtian revelations, a dangerous reconnoiter into a bizarre town to organize a rescue mission, and even a brush with nobility - but, let's be honest, mostly it's about hair.

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02:50:54

Episode 21: Goatal Destruction

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/09/11

A brightly-colored group of decidedly non-rangerous disciples give the party pause. Ven and Honeydew argue over the sentinels' intentions, but the benefit of the doubt gives way to actual doubt, which belies the devotional structure of the little lake civilization. What follows is pure hircine vengeance, terrifying to behold. Later, we find that the collapse of elven society has had further-reaching effects than previously thought.

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02:25:44

Episode 20: Curb Your Iconoclasm

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/08/28

The party has a TMNT (original live-action movie version) spiritual experience with the ghost of their friend(?) Gorm, but have no time to properly grieve before set upon by a pack of bandits and their mincing leader. When they part ways, the party is laser focused on the twin goals of Revenge and Escape - until someone offers to give BJ a bath. That's worth a sidequest.

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03:09:30

Episode 19: Unforseen Consequences

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/08/06

A CLIMAX. The party begins by solving Rivenesque puzzles to unlock interplanetary secrets. Irtya is even more than she has seemed, but before the party can understand the cosmological significance of these partial revelations, the Dragon in the Basement is unleashed. Our heroes fight both monsters and the clock as they struggle to evacuate the Egg. But not every comrade will make it. Sometimes, to save the lives of others, a sacrifice is required.

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02:16:32

Episode 18: Hasselhoof

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/07/28

The party begins to peel back the layers of the dark underbelly of the Egg. Valorous battle is entered: BJ uses filthy ninjitsu; Bernie employs, and immediately breaks, what she affectionately calls her Warbags; and Ven rends the darkness with a megachurch Cuisinart. Honeydew's claustrophobia interrupts the spoofs and goofs, however, and the party barely begins to deal with the presence of a new darkness before a newer, even darker, darkness is revealed...

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02:14:55

Episode 17: Elevator Action

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/07/09

A very manually-centric episode, involving little grabby hands, fishmittens, and alien Mars Reactor-esque power pedestals. The party falls under a hilarious curse, divers in its effect, but still finds time to discover ancient secrets about The Seed nee The Egg, as well as foment the piscine communist revolution. Meanwhile Honeydew says a lot of stuff about aluminum and electrolysis? A lot happens in this one is what I'm saying.

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02:35:09

Episode 16: Residue Processing

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/06/15

The gang's MIT degree really pays for itself. With the fish and shark people being drawn slowly into revolutionary fervor (and elf porn), our heroes uncover more sinister features of the Vittorik hemomancy facility, as well as an experimental hazardous environment armor. But they also find something more important than magical baubles: friendship.

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02:52:26

Episode 15: The Three P's

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/06/01

Pies, prog, and Peruvian panpipes. A horse accidentally named Horse bromances BJ and reveals new secrets of Gorm's past. His dick is an open question. But nevermind: into the depths of Vittorik the party must descend. Mab still must be saved and the encroaching Nothing dispelled. And one halfling has the power to open the hearts of man and fish alike.

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02:27:06

Episode 14: Hiss Whedon

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/05/18

Mostly, we fight snakes. Envenomed and close to death, BJ becomes a rage monster. Honeydew, 4 levels and 14 episodes in, finally gets to Thunderwave. And our DM learns a little something about inspiration. Also, it turns out we're on the hematothurgical research island of a mad king but we already knew this place sucked so what else is new. WARNING: this episode features an attempt to represent the subjective experience of BJ not-tolerating a Gorm monologue

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02:50:52

Episode 13: Sharky Shark and the Grunkle Bunch

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/05/03

In between theoretical discussions of binary planet cosmogeny, the party further learns that corrupted Elf Isle is really a pretty shit place. Despite some halfhearted efforts to keep watch, Mab, all innocence and light, is stolen away in the night. Now there is one question urgent above all others: Where's the Girl?

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03:38:39

Episode 12: Striking Out

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/04/22

Though the importance of new revelations about the true nature of the Spooky Spike can't be overstated, the adventure takes another great leap forward as the gang, for the first time, venture as a unit beyond the warm comfort of Tumford. They find themselves in a mysterious and hostile alien land. Druids are revealed as undercover cyberpunk transhumanists. We witness the birth of Tiger Schulmann's Holy Katana of Vengeance. Battered and bloodied, can our heroes find their way home?

en

02:28:17

Episode 11: The Quick and the Querulous

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/04/08

Do you think there is life on the moon - and if there is life, is there love? After a truly stupendous amount of buildup, the gang hoots n hollers its way through shoving noble Bartholomew out of obscurity and into Tumford legend. No interference is brooked; no nos are taken for answers. Featuring a small struggle sesh with Tulpa's minor DMing insecurities. (Tell Tulpa how great they are at DMing, guys.)

en

03:03:40

Episode 10: Schroedingore's King

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/03/07

"We're all going to die one day. May as well die a weird death." Our heroes spread out through the Market Festival and seriously get some shit done. Areas north, east, south and west are discussed, and a plan for striking out into the wider world is fully developed. We learn of the Old King, suspended in mortal superposition, and guess at ye olde Creepy Spike's contribution to resolving his Heisenbergian dilemma. And many other feats besides! Featuring roboTulpa, Samson ASMR, and a really

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02:20:16

Episode 09: Ice Man

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/02/24

The party learns the unnecessarily real rules to the revenants' ancient dice game, but Fatgris' plans for mathematical domination of the table are interrupted early by the characteristically loud arrival of our favorite conman. Tempers flare, and what begins as a noble attempt to defend Fatgris' honor escalates almost out of control. One last javelin could have ended it forever - but murder isn't in our heroes' blood, and now a nemesis lurks, seeking revenge...

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02:34:32

Episode 08: Hey Buddy, Wanna Huff a Beard?

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/02/10

Meet Fatgris. He controls lightning, he's depressed, and he loves to party. He's also something of a straightedge, which is a recipe for unpopularity in Gabbalusian Tumford, home of leaf merchants, spider juices and facial spores alike. With an elven Narnia portal lurking, God knows what remaining in the market, and the mysteries of the South beckoning, can our heroes resolve these 8000 quest hooks before they break out to the wider world?

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02:52:40

Episode 07: Fairly Ridiculous

No Rangers Allowed ·

2018/02/01

Ven having been rescued from the grim clutches of death, our heroes return to the light and experience the cosmopolitan delights of the Tumford Millennial Faire. Leaf merchants are interrogated; sheriffs are elected; charlatans are karmically counter-swindled; hogs are beautified. Perhaps most importantly, our heroes smell adventure on the horizon, and begin to make overtures of leaving sleepy (though no longer so somnolent, perhaps) Tumford for points south.

en

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