PODCAST

The Paternity Test

featuring Matt Boresi, Dave Engel, and Todd Jay

The podcast about three men diagnosed with chronic fatherhood.

kids & family

All Episodes

00:46:43

Episode 46: Scary Clown Heat Map

The Paternity Test ·

2016/10/11

If the clowns haven't carved out your innards with a balloon sword yet, it's time for a new episode! Matt has moved onto a college campus and is deeply ashamed to have left the city. What's a metrosexual without the metro? Just a “sexual”? Todd watches the debates with his kids and becomes so deeply depressed he decides to start a third political party. Perhaps you'd like to join? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! Thanks

01:19:32

Episode 45: My Mind's Nose

The Paternity Test ·

2016/09/21

The Paternity Podcast is the only podcast about brunch-flavored candy corn you'll ever need. It's an old bit but a good bit - Todd's up to Tooth Fairy business again – and stuff just got real with Ellie's investigations. Are Chicken Fries fries? Are Cheetohs toes? Are Cheetoh Chicken Fries gross? A TPT investigation – plus: brunch flavored candy corn? What fresh hell is this? Professor Foster is buying potpourri, and the supersmellers in the house are none too happy. And – Apple watches, do they

00:56:49

Episode 44: Fat Level Red

The Paternity Test ·

2016/09/08

Is Yelp going to date itself by listing Pokestops and places which accept corrupt fake electronic currency? Todd’s cloister bell has gone off signaling he has surpassed his maximum acceptable level of obesity. Kelly has suggested he start taking her wildly expensive shakes full of pretend medicine. Clowns are luring children into the woods in the south. Well, clowns or persons dressed as clowns. One of the two. And Matt and Professor Foster have met their superior doppelgangers at Viva's new

00:50:54

Episode 43: Hot Veals

The Paternity Test ·

2016/08/24

It's our first show officially a man down. We're sad about it – but we're funny clowns who only weep on the inside – so we think we've put together a funny episode for you! The Olympics are over, but not before the world got to enjoy a world-class walking-fast-while-wiggling-your-butt competitor soil himself on television. Watch our for that hurled sponge! Consumer alert: Whilst shopping for an iPad case, Matt discovers that scanning Happy Meal toys is a giant scam. Todd realizes that, with his

01:02:51

Episode 42: The Amish Touchscreen

The Paternity Test ·

2016/08/08

Welcome back! It’s been a while, but here we are, in all our middle-aged glory. Pokemon Go is sweeping the world. Except for Syracuse. And the Western Suburbs. And… Matt may have murdered a bird by climbing a tree. At 41. In climbing gear. He used climbing gear to climb a tree. Then all of the women at the house wept at the possibility of the bird’s demise, right before ingesting bird. Dave’s kitchen is in its second year of renovation. Enough said. Todd’s wife is spending a small fortune on a

01:05:47

Episode 41: Live from First Ascent Chicago

The Paternity Test ·

2016/07/18

This week Matt podcasts live from First Ascent Chicago with special guest Taylor Wood, a fellow blogger for Chicago Parent. Join them as the discuss the corporatization of Lemonade stands, the cut throat underbelly of parking in Chicago neighborhoods and don't miss the on-air epic battle between two tiny superheros!

00:59:56

Episode 40: Blister Cream

The Paternity Test ·

2016/06/24

Welcome back! Dave's asleep again. Somehow, Matt and Todd pick up the pieces and move forward. Todd swears by Menthol Gold Bond on his inner thighs. He just can't seem to find the best angle by which to powder his groin. America's love affair with Hamilton has probably reached its half-life, but that didn't stop the Brookfield Zoo from naming a camel after the musical. Matt found a bunny hutch (nest?) in the garden of his daughter's pre-school. It was adorable, until God filled their home with

00:51:29

Episode 39: Live at Brooklyn Boulders

The Paternity Test ·

2016/06/02

Matt and Todd record live at Brooklyn Boulders Chicago while their daughters preview Brooklyn Boulders Summer Camps and the Dads contemplate what they'll break first. Will it be their harness, the wall or their legs? They also explore other types of summer camp offerings, including one that will teach your children how to kill you in your sleep! Finally the dads get on the walls and recap their experience for you and try and figure out how their going to drive home now that they can't move their

01:07:49

Episode 38: Mistress Todd's Basement of Pain

The Paternity Test ·

2016/05/25

Welcome back! Matt's got a man crush on broasted chicken. He finds a new broasted place by Todd's house, which happens to be the home of...a burger? Matt goes to an auction for his kid's Pre-K. Cue drunk bidding and keys in the fishbowl. Dave defends the existence of margaritas. Todd's vertebrae is decomposing in real time, which has led him to purchase countless traction devices that he demonstrates for Matt. Dave wants Car Talk to stop. Now. He can't stand the idea of listening to a dead

01:11:07

Episode 37: Mars Cheese Castle

The Paternity Test ·

2016/05/16

Welcome back! It's been a while. Matt hates New York-style pizza, but all the dads admit that the Brooklyn pizza box made out of pizza isn't the worst idea ever. Matt took his daughter to the Rainforest Cafe and Mars Cheese Castle in the same day. Tons of kitsch, tons of crayons, and, because of their seating, not nearly enough robot dinosaurs. Dave tells a tale of the saddest Friendly's ever. Amazon keeps recommending that Todd buys Kuba Kickz, which are basically brass knuckles that attach

01:08:35

Episode 36: Victoria Secret's Rapture

The Paternity Test ·

2016/05/02

Suzy Qs are back, and they're even bigger garbage than the ones from your childhood. Dave saw Magic Leap augmented reality, and realized that it and nothing else is the future. Then he threw his Oculus Rift in the toilet, because really, what's the point? Todd bought his wife perfume, like a seventeen-year-old looking for a prom date. Matt's looking at several schools for his daughter, Viva. One's locked down like a prison because it's in Chicago. One is Catholic, so the steeple bursts into

01:05:44

Episode 35: Come Play With Us, Danny

The Paternity Test ·

2016/04/24

Welcome back! Long time, no talk. It's been so long, Todd forgot Dave was on the show. Todd just got back from Italy, where he had a delightful lunch in Sienna where people abuse horses. And out of 70 kids who went with him, he only had to leave one behind! Aside from the lighter trip back to the states, Todd also discusses the "pay as you go" bathrooms. Dave talks of a fake Darth Maul Netflix trailer that looked amazing, and then discusses the mean practical jokes he used to play on his

00:52:11

Episode 34: Emotionally Violent Sushi

The Paternity Test ·

2016/04/03

Welcome back! Wow. Hulk Hogan got a massive settlement from Gawker. Too bad Death has no other 80s wrestlers to visit. He better spend it soon. Dave doesn't yell at strangers anymore. This leads to a great story about Matt and a steak knife. Speaking of Matt and eating utensils. Matt can't handle how good Quaker Instant Oatmeal is. He has sworn off goose liver and caged lamb. Todd used to play on roofs as a child. Now he only goes up there to install missing shingles. This leads to Todd's

01:13:16

Episode 33: Reagan Wasn't Shot

The Paternity Test ·

2016/03/19

Welcome back! Kids today don't know the difference between the 80s and 90s. To them, Michael J. Fox and David Spade are the same person. Lionel Richie should relax. You can't copyright the word used to answer a phone. Todd's family communes with Fuller House. Matt had to turn it off. Dave canceled his Netflix subscription so he didn't have to see the ads. Elvis is really, really dead. So dead that no one knows he existed. Matt's daughter wants to see his manhood. Matt said "no", but this raised

01:04:05

Episode 32: Thunder Cone

The Paternity Test ·

2016/03/11

Welcome back! Dave's ex-girlfriend taught him early that divorce is never the answer. Better to live in misery. Matt can't handle boys. Also, his daughter wanders onto a merry-go-round of the future, where every child on it can be crushed at once. Todd's going to Italy. Will the food there be safe? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at

01:15:27

Episode 31: Baseball Knife Shoes

The Paternity Test ·

2016/03/06

Welcome back! Literary figures are dropping like flies. Where are the new literary heroes? It's youth baseball season, which means that it's time for Todd to buy shoe knives for his son. Hide your shins. Todd discusses his latest daddy-daughter dance. Chaos reigns as a teenage dunce DJ does everything he can to ruin the evening. Todd saves humanity by fixing the photo line. Matt's daughter refuses to listen to him. Ever. Dave's daughter refuses to wear underwear. Ever. We want to hear from

00:44:12

Episode 30: The One Where George Gaynes Dies

The Paternity Test ·

2016/02/26

Welcome back! George Gaynes died! Who will save us from our refrigerators? Dave's house is cold. Matt must destroy a handsome, younger dad at his school. Todd goes to a daddy-daughter dance with his...daughter. Join us, won't you? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a

01:16:19

Episode 29: Butterfly Kisses

The Paternity Test ·

2016/02/18

Welcome back! Todd decided to save money and skipped getting a Valentine's Day card for his wife. Now he can afford go the movies. By himself. Maybe he'll go see Deadpool with Matt, since that's where he spent Love Day with his wife. Dave went to his first Daddy-Daughter dance with his two four-year-old daughters. It went exactly how you would expect an evening centered around forced sentimentality to go. Todd broke his daughter's arm. And by that, we mean that Todd's family allowed his daughter

01:00:01

Episode 28: The Apaches

The Paternity Test ·

2016/02/12

Welcome back! The dads discuss the Zika virus, and what it means for filthy, filthy Rio. Also, the Olympics are ridiculous. Dave and his wife have known each other for ten long, long years. He has a hard time fathoming how he has gone from bartender/actor to respected educator and mini van owner. Todd wears a bib now to shave his face. This allows him to collect the hair and throw it practically anywhere he wants. Todd then realizes that he didn't actually have fun cutting his grandfather's

00:59:47

Episode 27: Son of Beastmaster

The Paternity Test ·

2016/02/04

Welcome back! Dave and Todd love COPS. What's not to like? Matt needs help fixing his house. He spends most of his update asking Todd and Dave how to feel like a man in his own home. They're interrupted by Matt's daughter, Viva, who is having a heart attack because Matt hasn't bought her enough iPad apps. The Dads listen to the new H. John Benjamin album. It's awful and wonderful. Todd bought Google Cardboard, which is way cooler than it sounds (Especially if you don't know what Google Cardboard

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