PODCAST

Worthless Clowns

a podcast about how stupid we all are, hosted by NYC comedians Ali O"Neil & Brittany Cardwell

comedy

All Episodes

00:54:39

I'M DEFINITELY STRAIGHT AND HERE'S HOW I FOUND OUT w/...

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/04/01

We’ve got a special guest this week: it’s Lucas Connolly (Comedy Central)!! Lucas tries to lose his virginity through an elaborate craigslist ad, but loses an object inside himself instead. Brittany gets fooled into thinking some birds sound like babies and machine guns, and Ali’s aquarium obsession grows. Memories of Gillette vibrating razors for men, birds quoting Seinfeld, and the fear of holding newborns. Follow Lucas @lovablelucas1 and check out @ambushcomedy when you’re in town!! Look out for

00:56:42

PAYING TAXES THEN WETTING THE BED

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/03/25

Ali craves the respect of a man who pisses his pants every day on Tik Tok, and gets swallowed by a snake. Brittany clogs the hotel toilet, pees her pants at a sleepover, and almost dies at the gesturing hands of her Uber driver. HR acuses one of its employees of eating animal remains. Memories of Brittany trying to be really angry, the McDonalds Triad, and sleeping inside whales. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneilRate the pod!! And

00:57:31

TWO 4S DRINKIN BEERS

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/03/18

Ali and her boyfriend get hit by a car on Valentine’s day and all they want is an apology. Brittany’s terrible childhood dog poops his way into the afterlife. Ali fears getting a DUI just for not knowing the alphabet backwards, and Brittany and her death metal boyfriend run from the cops for no reason at all. A listener saves his hamsters with CPR. Memories of pimple videos behind paywalls, bombing in the mirror, and Sacajawea coins. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany

00:47:07

DID YOU BRING THIS? w/ Gabby Jordan Brown

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/03/11

Gabby Jordan Brown (Two Nosy Meerkats pod) joins us!! Gabby does some bad Facebook detective work, fails to connect with a woman over a chicken photo, and has a front tooth missing for months. Ali’s high on J-train paint fumes, and Brittany has a pick up artist’s bad diagrams seared into her brain. Memories of the Kennedy family’s medical problems, Mary Poppins, and growing boobs. Follow Gabby @hipsoccermom and keep your eyes peeled for her special coming out soon! For clips and pics, follow the pod

00:47:06

IT'S LAVA LAMP FRIDAY

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/03/04

Brittany has a crush on the prettiest girl in school, and reminisces on the first time she saw a cow take a dump. Ali ruins Fridays for interns with her lava lamp, and cannot stop looking at restaurant stickers. A man gets whipped by the wings of a goose MMA fighter. Memories of impressing boys with Eminem lyrics, laptop dancing, and the bottoms of totem poles. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneilRate the pod!! And check us out on

00:53:38

I GOT PROS IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/02/25

Ali stops being a vegetarian so that she’s free to become a vampire, and shares her new special interest in fish tanks. Brittany’s parents tricked her into thinking she might one day own a horse, a car, or even a chair. A woman’s hyper-religious parents stalk her Spotify to make sure she’s not listening to witch music. RAT NEWS: a parrot and dogs join a death metal band. Memories of our subpoena friendship necklaces, Ludacris, and NPR storytelling voice.For clips and pics, follow the pod

00:42:04

I ATE TOO MANY EGGS AND SPIRALED INTO DARKNESS

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/02/19

Brittany goes to Monster Jam, and is beefing up to catch a predator. Ali gets scammed by two plumbers who are scared of her dog. A man eats 116 eggs and can no longer experience joy. Memories of nu metal poses, battle bots, and Peanut Butter and the Apple Jams Gang.For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneilRate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube!Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.comtheme music by

00:58:03

WHY IS BRO EATING SNICKERS LIKE THAT w/Mike Brown

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/02/11

Mike Brown (Comedy Central, PBS) is our special guest this week! Mike regrets begging for love, and eats his Snickers different. Ali riffs with her gynecologist and tests her boyfriend’s pap smear knowledge. Brittany keeps hiding body parts in her dreams. Memories of the Pringle crunch, crushing on Ryan Gosling, and men knowing nothing about their friends. Follow Mike @yomikebrown! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneilRate the pod!

00:50:26

CLOGGED THE TOILET WITH MY VAPE

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/02/04

Ali ceremoniously quits nicotine by clogging her toilet with her vape. Brittany puts her life in the hands of an ultrasound technician obsessed with numerology. A man drafts a novella about accidentally taking a dump on a tent. Memories of men lecturing women about WW1, exploding Gusher heads, and old cell phone tech . RAT NEWS: watch out! they’re popping bubbles and nesting in cars!For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the

00:55:23

WALKING AROUND LIKE A GOTH LITTLE KAREN

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/01/28

We’re getting this friendship notarized!!! Brittany’s on the train getting flashed secret messages from a strange man, and getting rejected by the fire department for a cat rescue. Ali accidentally gets a goth Karen haircut, and talks to a man she respects about Phish. A man accidentally invites all the neighborhood cats to his rave. Memories of Birthday Guy #2, hotdog and hamburger style, and going to court as friends. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany

00:55:59

WHAT DID YOU GET ON THE BRISTOL STOOL SCALE? w/...

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/01/21

Carmen Lagala (Colbert, Don’t Tell) joins us! Carmen’s figuring out where she’s at on the Bristol stool chart, throwing up juice, and hitting on mascots. Ali cures her adult mono with Fun Dip and Jackass. Brittany tries way too hard to be accepted at Buffalo Exchange and Godfathers Pizza. Memories of public proposals, pledge of allegiance, and making-out hands.Follow Carmen @carmstagrams, and check out her special “Sweet Batch” on YouTube. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns,

00:58:43

INVITE ME INTO THE NEXT JOKES TOMORROW

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/01/14

Ali’s dad reprimands her for creating a straw-based religious stereotype. Brittany joins a terrorist group of boys from middle school math class. A man rips up his girlfriend’s hand-made blanket for attention. Memories of Nair, counting songs, and Pavlov’s gun (dog). Plus RAT NEWS: rat fights, rat shoes, and crime rats!For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the

00:49:52

I FEAR I DON'T KNOW THIS WOMAN AT ALL

Worthless Clowns ·

2025/01/07

Ali spends xmas shooting cans with pellet guns, and gifting piss bottles. Brittany’s dad is “reborn” after watching Wicked, and Ali’s dad tries to connect by wearing an apron with a pig on it. A man spends 21 years of his life believing it’s normal to have a “poop knife”. Memories of Brittany’s nephew already knowing everything, rambling prayers, and amateur hand modeling. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And

00:55:22

TRACKING DOG SH** INTO MUSIC CLASS w/Jake Silberman

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/12/31

Jake Silberman joins us!! Jake is flipping cop cars, comforting women on trains, and tracking dog shit into band class. Ali and Brittany finally grow out of their bad boy phase. Memories of the Evergreen Five, terrible exes, and crying in New York. Follow Jake @thecomedianjake and check out his special “Live In Portland” on Youtube! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid

00:51:48

SOMETIMES MY MIND COMES OUT ALL THE WAY

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/12/17

Brittany walks on eggshells at a Tokyo cat cafe with 1000 rules. Ali defends the Fighting Irish and gets invited to a dog birthday party. A man criticizes his girlfriend’s cooking via powerpoint, and then is dumped via powerpoint. Memories of washing elephants, YouTube parties, and men who smirk. This week’s RAT NEWS: we find out what a rat king ship captain would look like. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And

00:56:46

ROBBED BY TEENS WITH SQUIRT GUNS

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/12/10

We accidentally manifest getting mugged by two teenagers, BIG TIME! Brittany falls in love with a game that lets her practice lying. Ali’s brother and boyfriend connect through songs about butts and piss. Memories of Toby Keith’s 911 song, protective siblings, and the Little Mermaid’s bra. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

01:09:40

THROWBACK EP: WHEN BOOGERS WERE BIG w/Shane Torres

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/12/03

Throwback ep!! Shane Torres (Conan, Comedy Central) joins us!! We turn into The Korn Pod. Shane is impressed by a bread-throwing child. Brittany tries to hatch chickens with blankets and cure cancer with snot. Ali’s impression of Brittany is Brittany’s impression of Ali. A man tries too hard to answer a “guess what” question and gets punished with reading assignments.Follow Shane @shanetorres, and check out his podcast: No Accounting For Taste. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram

00:52:07

I HOPE IT'S OK I'M BALD SOMETIMES w/ James Coburn

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/11/26

James Coburn joins us!! James loses complete control of his life and his bowels, wakes up bald and vulnerable, and overcomes it all with a Walgreens purchase. Ali learns what skid marks are, and Brittany gets a 20 year old life-coach. Memories of spending all day building a dresser, the toilet shower trick, and stolen heart worm medication. Follow James @humantabasco and check out his special on Youtube, “Not Killing It.” Get tickets to Brittany’s special taping Dec 3rd at The Gutter

00:45:30

CHUGGING HOT SAUCE IN A JOB INTERVIEW

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/11/19

Ali loses the respect of her roommates after inviting a stray cat in, and sending too many Teletubbies gifs. Brittany’s noise band friend cannot bring himself to vomit on stage. A man tries to impress his job interviewers in the worst way. This week’s RAT NEWS: rats who vape, rats used as insulation, and sacrifices of rats in war. Memories of Dr Kwan PhD, imaginary horses, and drooling for an audience. Get tickets to Brittany’s special taping Dec 3rd at The Gutter (Williamsburg) 8pm and 10pm:

00:45:46

I DON'T UNDERSTAND CHOOSING THE CLARINET

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/11/12

Ali gets a black eye for her loud outfit, and loses her senior year talent show to a man playing Thrift Shop on the trombone. Brittany’s friend is convinced his girlfriend is cheating on him with a man that’s exactly like him. A woman has to take a mental health day after learning where chocolate milk really comes from. Memories of hating clarinets, men asking where North is, and the Apparently Kid. Get tickets to Brittany’s special taping Dec 3rd at The Gutter (Williamsburg) 8pm and 10pm:

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