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PODCAST

We Read Movies

There are good gay movies out there, but we won"t be talking about them. We"re three unqualified nobodies who discuss the very worst that gay cinema has to offer. At We Read Movies, we don"t just watch movies, we read them for filth.

health sexuality

All Episodes

83:20

Open Cam

We Read Movies ·

2023/09/11

This week, we watched the 2005 film Open Cam, which only served to reinforce for Chris that he's getting older and will someday die. A serial killer is stalking the streets of Washington DC, and specifically targeting the men in a DC based cam site, but don't worry because a mysterious gay detective (who may or may not be a ghost) is on the case. Will they figure out who did it before the audience does? Is the sex in this movie really happening? Why do all the dicks look so pixelated? Let's find

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74:43

Red, White and Royal Blue

We Read Movies ·

2023/08/28

This week, we (along with 6 million straight women) watched the 2023 movie Red, White and Royal Blue. A Rom-Com (but hold the com, please) about the son of a US president falling in love with the Prince of England. Despite being about gay people, it seems to have been made exclusively for a straight audience, and boy do we have some thoughts about that. Topics discussed: Boy, our politicians are old Accents Eric hates on the British Where the butthole is The President and Vice President should be

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89:16

The Men Next Door

We Read Movies ·

2023/08/14

This week, we watched the 2012 Rob Williams film The Men Next Door. When a sad sack without any real friends starts dating both a father and his son at the same time, he has to make a choice, and it'll involve retelling the story to four different people in great detail. Topics discussed: Cake blindness So much incest Chris describes The Green Lantern is Gay!: An XXX Porn Parody Juggler Bottoms We Read Movies This podcast is hosted by ZenCast.fm

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102:40

Love, Simon

We Read Movies ·

2023/07/31

This week, we watched the 2018 young adult film Love, Simon, a movie that's about 50% emails. When a closetted gay teen is blackmailed with emails that he sent to another closetted gay teen, it leads to a dramatic coming out that will have everyone in his life going "oh, okay. That's fine" Topics discussed: How many emails do I have to wait before I send a dick pic? Bullying bullies Cabaret Internalized homophobia Links mentioned in this episode: https://glowmoondoll.com/ We Read Movies This

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84:33

Deadly Skies

We Read Movies ·

2023/07/17

This week, we watched the 2006 made for HereTV movie Deadly Skies, starring future neo-con Antonio Sabato Jr. When an planet killer asteroid threatens to crash into the Earth, it's up to a plucky band of scientists and two gay Air Force guys to save the world by turning on a secret laser everyone knows about but no one wants them to use. This is another HereTV movie that they made with a gay version and a straight version, although this time we all got on the same page and watched the gay version

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93:35

Fire Island (but not THAT one)

We Read Movies ·

2023/07/03

This week, we watched the 2023 slasher movie Fire Island, not to be confused with the 2022 rom-com Fire Island. It may or may not be a sequel to past We Read Movies flick Last Ferry (it's not), and it may or may not even be a gay movie, but we have fun with it. Topics discussed: Sequel naming conventions Magneto wasn't real What straight people think drag is Too much SVU? We Read Movies This podcast is hosted by ZenCast.fm

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104:24

Triple Crossed

We Read Movies ·

2023/06/12

This week, after some mild technical difficulties, we're back! And we watched the 2013 gay hitman flick Triple Crossed, starring and directed by the very good sport friend of the pod Sean Paul Lockhart. When an ex-marine is given a job to kill the ex boyfriend of his friend and sometimes lover... you know what? This plot is incomprehensibe. but we had fun with it anyway Topics discussed: Oroborous porn The laws around faking your own death Gay LFO How to do crimes badly We Read Movies This

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95:03

Love or Whatever

We Read Movies ·

2023/05/23

This week, we watched the 2012 rom(?)-com(?) Love Or Whatever, the film that dared to ask the question, "can bi people be trusted?" And that also dares to answer the question, "no. They cannot." Also, it dares to ask the question, "what's Meredith from the Office been up?" And the answer to that question will shock you. Topics discussed: Rumplestiltskin's name People who think puppets are people How many sex positions are there, exactly? The Same Girl song doesn't make any sense We Read

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93:28

Back Soon

We Read Movies ·

2023/05/01

This week, we watched the 2007 Rob Williams (not to be confused with Robin Williams) movie Back Soon. When a straight drug dealer gets a horny dead lady's ghost inside his body, he turns gay for her widower, who turns gay for him too through the power of sleepwalking. It's a very confusing plot, but it's also very boring. Topics discussed: The difference between Ding Dongs, HoHos and Cupcakes (hint, there isn't one) Weird food combinations "Gang banger hair" Exposition dialogue We Read

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82:34

Swallowed

We Read Movies ·

2023/04/17

This week, we watched the 2022 body horror (or so we were led to believe) movie Swallowed. When a gay guy and his best straight friend get roped into being drug mules, they find out that the condoms full of drugs they swallowed to cross the Canadian border were actually weirdo bug eggs that are hatching inside of them. And then there's an extended fisting scene. Topics discussed: The chemical makeup of squirt Licking toads Sex rooms Fist shaped foods We Read Movies This podcast is hosted by

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95:15

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

We Read Movies ·

2023/04/03

This week, for the podcast's three-year birthday, after threatening to do it for so long, we decided to torture ourselves by watching the Kevin James and Adam Sandler movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. That's right we sat through every minute of this TWO HOUR LONG movie (that's about an hour and a half of fat jokes) so that you don't have to. CONTENT WARNING: This movie uses sexual assault as a punchline a lot, and we discuss the movie doing that. Topics discussed: The many better scripts

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90:52

Knock at the Cabin

We Read Movies ·

2023/03/20

This week, we watched the very recent M. Night Shyamalan movie Knock At the Cabin. Ostensibly a movie with gay main characters, and we don't want to spoil the twist for you, but it ends up being quite possibly the most offensive movie we've ever seen, both because it's actually offensive and because it's deeply boring, but man does it make plane crashes funny. Topics discussed: A brand new JFK assassination theory The binding of isaac (the story, not the game, although the game's rad) How do

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88:45

Eating Out: Drama Camp

We Read Movies ·

2023/03/06

This week, we invited our good friends Mike and Kyle back to watch the fourth and most excruciating of the Eating Out movies: Drama Camp. A camp of queer people out in the woods, secret identities, bizarre rules against sex? It sounds like the hit Kevin Bacon movie They/Them, but no, the only thing this movie slashed was our free time. Come join us for the Q. Allan Brocka movie that made us say "you know, now that I think about it, the second one wasn't that bad." Topics discussed: Straight

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102:25

Too Much Sun

We Read Movies ·

2023/02/13

This week, we watched the 1990 Eric Idle, Andrea Martin, Robert Downey Jr., and Ralph Macchio movie Too Much Sun. After a murdered millionaire's will stipulates that one of his gay children will have to produce a child of their own, they'll have to engage in some wacky farcical adventures to get their inheritance. Will they succeed? Does Eric Idle play gay offensively? Is Robert Downey Jr on coke for the whole movie? Does a gay guy do oral on a woman? Let's find out! Topics discussed: Sex with a

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79:21

Socket

We Read Movies ·

2023/01/30

This week, we watched the very strange and David Cronenberg-ian 2007 movie Socket. After he's struck by lightning and develops electricity vampire powers, a doctor joins up with a group of other electricity vampires for a party-and-play metaphor that ends in multiple murders. Does it make sense? Not really. Does it involve some plug and socket-related body horror? You better believe it does. Topics discussed: Butt-Chugging Chris describes a porno Underwear designed for people with small butts Porn

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78:23

Dashing in December

We Read Movies ·

2023/01/16

This week, we're late in discussing the Hallmark original Christmas movie Dashing in December. It's your standard Hallmark fare, guy from the big city tries to shut down the struggling horse ranch his mom (Andie MacDowell) owns, only to fall in love with her employee. We know, we know, we meant to do it before Christmas, but stuff happened. Topics discussed: The movie Hot to Trot The Hallmark/Great American Family feud Gender neutral names CEOs on coke Links mentioned in this

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101:47

Kiss Me Deadly

We Read Movies ·

2022/12/26

This week, we watched the Shannen Doherty and Robert Gant gay spy thriller Kiss Me Deadly, produced for Here TV. Well, one of us did. The other two watched a straight-washed recut of this movie aired at appearing on other networks, and it takes us a really long time to figure out that we watched basically a different movie. Topics discussed: Eric is finally finished with Charmed Why do people think allergies aren't real? What exactly IS amnesia? Everything should be part of the Kenny

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102:58

A Wedding Most Strange

We Read Movies ·

2022/12/05

This week, we talked for a solid three and a half hours about the 85 minute long movie A Wedding Most Strange, and then Chris painstakingly took out a bunch of weird tangents to cut it down to the length it is now. The movie was so very deeply and maniacally weird that it just broke our brains. Listen along to our descent into madness Topics discussed: Charmed Cushion Fluffing What we remember about Friends Drag queens with the worst fashions What if this movie starred the lead singer of The

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90:53

My Fake Boyfriend

We Read Movies ·

2022/11/21

This week, we watched the recent Buzzfeed Productions movie My Fake Boyfriend, an incoherent tale of what happens when you make a fake boyfriend for social media, but afterwards realize you want to be with a handsome chef whose arms are muscular beyond belief. Also, it asks the very important question, is there such a thing as a celebrity stunt man? Topics discussed: The suspicious death of Swedish economist Dag Hammarskjöld Homemade soup How to tell your mom you're just "regular gay" without

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84:34

Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

We Read Movies ·

2022/10/31

It's every gay's favorite holiday, Halloween! So to get into the spooky spirit we watched the not-explicitly-gay-but-oh-so-gay horror movie Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge. Featuring several naked male butts, a very sexual shower death, and rubber play sheets, this is perhaps the gayest movie we've ever done. Topics discussed: What does Freddy Kruger's dick look like? Birds are a weird pet to have What exactly are Pokemon? The sweatiest people in Hollywood We Read Movies This

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