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PODCAST

Blue Babies Pink

(Note: Blue Babies Pink is like an audio book. Start with the Prologue, then Episode 1, Episode 2, etc.)For nearly a decade, Brett Trapp Harman kept a secret journal of thoughts on being gay and Christian, knowing one day he"d shout the story he feared most.On a Wednesday morning in late 2016, he logged on to Facebook and began shouting...He started by publishing a Gossip Guide to his sexuality—a cheeky way to let friends know his secret. He then began sharing the vivid details of his story through

religion & spirituality christianity

All Episodes

11:20

Episode 25 • Finding a New Track

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/03/02

"I would have done anything to just not be alone, to have at least 1% of hope that I wouldn't feel like this forever. And people who have felt hopeless before know that 1% of hope is a whole lot of hope. That's all I needed, but the Bible was clear. I had to figure out life without it."

en

17:58

Episode 24 • Lonely Practice

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/03/02

Brett practices for a lifetime of loneliness—at an isolated cabin in the mountains and at a football stadium surrounded by 100k people...

en

11:20

Episode 23 • Unlearning How to Throw a Football

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/03/02

"And still other failures feel like brands seared deep into the soft flesh of our souls. After the initial pain, they scab over, then scar over. And looking at it each day, we get used to it. It begins to look more like a birthmark than a brand. And we may even forget that it was put on us. We may forget life before it. We may forget that failed moments aren't supposed to stay with us forever. After all, it was just a moment. And moments never last."

en

10:38

Episode 22 • Secret Sadness

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"Closets are dark, and when the gay child—or in my case, young professional—decides to stuff his soul in there, it has a warping effect. It forces you deeper inside yourself. You become a mapless soul in a haunted maze, and you lose your bearings on who you really are. You begin to furiously reshuffle your inner life to present to the world the parts they want to see..."

en

13:10

Episode 21 • An Alien in Nashville

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

Brett hears a friend say something about gay people he will never forget...

en

9:07

Episode 20 • Work, Work, Work, Work, Work

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"Deep inside every workaholic man is a little boy who never felt big enough, strong enough, worthy enough. And that little boy can be very loud. He reminds the man of his lacking, of his lessness. Work is very noisy in the soul, so the workaholic uses that noise to drown out the little boy. Obsessive work can't deliver peace, but that's not the point. The point is that it's louder than the pain. This was me..."

en

11:49

Episode 19 • Social Media is Born

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"A lot of my friends got married in their mid-20s. And I began to notice a trend: When friends would get married, you wouldn't hear from them much anymore. This was new to me, because, before that, friends had always been portable. I could collect friends in elementary school and take them with me to middle school. I could collect a few more in middle and take them with me to high school. And then a lot of those stuck with me through college. Life before 22 was just moving from one single enclave to

en

12:27

Episode 18 • On the Counselor's Couch

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"Yet while I was praying against it, I was simultaneously denying that same-sex attraction was a thing in my life. Back then, I denied that same-sex attraction was an intrinsic part of me. If anything, it was a clinger, a hanger-on, an invader, a tumor, a trespasser, a most unwelcome guest. It's like the 1986 movie Aliens, where Sigourney Weaver fights off a horde of alien invaders inside her spaceship. Same-sex attraction was like one of those aliens—not part of the ship—just freeloading, wreaking

en

7:25

Episode 17 • On Choosing to Be Gay

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"I think I was like a lot of people in that I WANTED it to be a choice. If gay is a choice, I thought, then it makes the Christian theology of it so much simpler. Religion is hard, because it requires faith. It's mysterious and, at times, inscrutable. Faith is the bridge that gets us through the uncertainty, but it's tough to hang with faith sometimes. Because of this, people of faith love the parts of it that are certain and agreed upon by everyone. I know I do..."

en

15:13

Episode 16 • Leaving Home, Coming Out

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"But those who have kept pet secrets know they are hard to keep caged. They thrash and bite and wiggle around inside of you. They aren't well behaved, and they have a life of their own. All that inner chaos had become too much for me. I couldn't keep hiding it, but I needed someone who I could trust 100 percent. I needed ironclad, lockdown, never-tell-a-soul, government-grade confidentiality. I'm talking Area 51 style secrecy. People with big secrets know there's a giant difference between someone

en

11:45

Episode 15 • The Art of Distraction

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

Everyone deals with their pain somehow. Brett discloses his coping mechanism of choice...

en

8:17

Episode 14 • How Did I Become Gay?

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"Maybe it was because that cat slept in my bed every night. I mean . . . my brothers aren't gay, and they DEFINITELY DIDN'T have a cat sleeping with them every night. Maybe it's because our family had small dogs. Maybe we should have had bigger, manlier dogs. idk. Maybe it was because dad never took me hunting when I was a kid . . . shooting wild animals might have made me straight."

en

10:34

Episode 13 • On Broken Machines

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"Because of its near universality, heterosexuality is one of the most unifying forces in all of humanity...Imagine missing that one key piece of your humanity and what that would feel like. It's a slow terror. And once you are gripped by that fear, a glowing red-hot brand ascends from the depths of the earth, up through rock and soil, and bursts forth to sear three black words right onto your heart . . . You. Are. Broken Part of being young and gay is the feeling of being broken, of being trapped

en

9:04

Episode 12 • Girls Girls Girls

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

"Boobs have always kinda freaked me out. They're very scary to me, and the thought of touching one is like the thought of touching a wet bag of earthworms..."

en

8:47

Episode 11 • A Good Good Father

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/03

The most emotional episode from the series....

en

8:59

Episode 10 • Get Thee Behind Me Ooltewah

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/02

"One of the lesser known burdens of being gay is that you live a lot of your life in your head. At a young age, you start having little conversations with yourself. And you keep having them—over and over and over again. And the conversations evolve . . . they intensify. They're all about how you got this way, and what went wrong, and what if so-and-so finds out, and what if _________ or _________ or _________ happens. These conversations are led by fear, fueled by self-doubt, and they all end with

en

9:18

Episode 9 • Earning my Man Badge

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/02

"Part of me wonders if I was running back then, running from the very faint idea that just maybe this badness was inside of me, like a crocodile—waiting—nestled deep in cold mud at the bottom of a lake. Maybe sports was my attempt at misdirection—a front, a mask, a smokescreen. I don't know, really. I know I genuinely liked sports, and they were fun for me. I always felt very manly in high school, at least in the Southern traditional sense of the word. I didn't mind sweating or getting dirty. I've

en

8:42

Episode 8 • Learning About the H-Word

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/02

"A few years earlier, in junior high, I first noticed that I looked at the boys more. It was very subtle and innocent. It was like I envied them...I wanted them to like me. It didn't feel like a sexual attraction back then, but they definitely caught my eye. It never crossed my mind that this could be ho-mo-sex-u-a-li-ty. But I knew what the "h" word was by then because the Christian culture had already schooled me in it. I knew allll about it..."

en

7:47

Episode 7 • Life as a Youth

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/02

Brett is crushed by the worst news of his life...

en

14:25

Episode 6 • What Happened on the Carpet

Blue Babies Pink ·

2017/02/02

Brett has a bizarre spiritual encounter on the floor of a church in Pensacola, Florida.

en

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