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PODCAST

Pillow Talks

Vanessa & Xander Marin

Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really

health & fitness sexuality

All Episodes

48:15

Episode 43: How To STOP Getting Distracted During Sex!

Pillow Talks ·

2022/03/17

Have you ever been in the middle of some HOT sex and all of a sudden you start thinking about something completely unrelated? Maybe you need to get a babysitter for next weekend or you totally forgot to send that email to your boss. Regardless of what you’re distracted by, it can be so frustrating and you can end up feeling powerless to your thoughts. You may even feel self-judgment or shame that you’re not able to stay focused during sex. In this episode we’re giving you lots of practical tools for

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57:41

Episode 42: Are You Sexually Compatible?

Pillow Talks ·

2022/03/10

“Are we sexually compatible?” This haunting question comes up in the majority of relationships at some point. So what does it actually mean when it starts to feel like you’re not sexually compatible?? Is your relationship doomed? The answer is - it depends! In this episode, we’re digging into sexual compatibility using an exciting new model Vanessa developed! Plus, we’ll even share our own “rankings” for how compatible (and incompatible) we are. Check out the show notes at

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50:39

Episode 41: The Ask Us Anything Episode: All Your...

Pillow Talks ·

2022/03/03

So how DID Xander propose? How often do we really have sex? You’re about to find out in this “ask us anything” style episode, where we answer your most frequently asked, burning questions. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode41

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58:15

Episode 40: When Your Partner Wants Sex But You Don’t

Pillow Talks ·

2022/02/24

What do you do when your partner initiates sex, but you’re not in the mood? This can be one of the trickiest moments to navigate in a relationship. You might find yourself freezing up, worrying about hurting your partner, or even feeling irritated at them for initiating in the first place. In this episode, we walk you through exactly what to do. You might even be surprised by our suggestions! Check out the show notes: vmtherapy.com/episode40

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50:16

Episode 39: If You Had To Ask, Does It Even Count?

Pillow Talks ·

2022/02/17

You wish your partner would do something thoughtful for you, and you definitely DON’T want to have to ask them to do it — because if you did, it wouldn’t really count as something thoughtful anymore! Right?! This episode is the remedy for this all-too-common complaint. We’re giving you steps to take toward more intentional, joyful moments for both you and your partner. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode39

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42:35

Episode 38: You Want Connection, Your Partner Wants...

Pillow Talks ·

2022/02/10

There are two types of people: those who need to feel connected before having sex, and those that need to have sex in order to feel connected. In a cruel twist of fate, relationships typically have one of each type of person. This can lead to a stand-off situation that often manifests in long dry spells or straight up bad sex. In this episode, we give our surprising (and perhaps controversial) answer to what comes first — emotional or physical connection, and talk about how to end the ‘stand-off’

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01:08:10

Episode 37: The Truth About Why We’re Child-Free

Pillow Talks ·

2022/02/03

One of the most frequent questions we get is, “Do you have kids?” Followed closely by “why don’t you have any?” While it hasn’t always been an easy journey, we’ve gotten to a place where we’re really comfortable and confident in our choice to be child-free. So today’s episode is all about how we got there! We get deeply vulnerable and yes, tears were shed. We’re answering your burning questions and discussing how we decided to be child-free, the way we told our families and how they reacted, and the

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01:00:28

Episode 36: Can We Come Back From This?

Pillow Talks ·

2022/01/27

What do you do when your partner says something hurtful that you just can’t shake, even months or years later? Is it something you can grow and heal from or is it simply a deal breaker? This advice-column style episode dives into the “grey area” of relationships. We’ll hear stories from members of our community who are sharing their most harrowing ‘can we come back from this?’ moments and give our best advice on how to move forward. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode36

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01:16:47

Episode 35: Fine, I’ll Just Do It Myself: The Danger...

Pillow Talks ·

2022/01/20

Has your partner ever done a task so poorly or asked you so many questions that you finally just said “fine, I’ll do it myself!”? This is called weaponized incompetence, and while your partner may not mean for it to be, it can be harmful in a relationship. In this episode we’re going to talk about how to identify weaponized incompetence, how it shows up in OUR relationship, and what to do if you or your partner are doing this. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode35

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57:58

Episode 34: I Want You To Want Me

Pillow Talks ·

2022/01/13

We all want to feel desired, but so often in relationships we get into a place where it feels like one partner wants the other more. If you’re the higher desire partner, you’re probably feeling lonely and scared - scared that your partner might not be into you, and scared that you’ll get rejected if you initiate any kind of sex or intimacy. In fact, you may even be withholding affection for fear of being turned down! If you’re the lower desire partner, you might be feeling ashamed, like there’s

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52:18

Episode 33: The Episode We Almost Didn’t Release

Pillow Talks ·

2022/01/06

Full transparency: we didn’t know if we were going to release this episode. We’re talking about everything from how we processed the chaos that is the holidays to whether we upheld our “Holiday Classic” sex pact.

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43:44

Episode 32: 5 Ways To Make 2022 Your Most Intimate...

Pillow Talks ·

2021/12/30

This episode is all about making 2022 the best year of your relationship yet! Get our five favorite sustainable and actionable tips for making your relationship a priority next year. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode32

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47:16

Episode 31: Should We Open Our Relationship?

Pillow Talks ·

2021/12/23

Have you ever thought about opening up your relationship? Have WE ever thought about opening up our relationship? Some see it as a necessity to fully express their sexuality while others think it might be the perfect salve for a hurting relationship. One thing’s for sure, open relationships are subject to a lot of misconceptions. Tune in to find out what open relationships are all about, and find out if WE are taking the steps toward this relationship structure. Check out the show notes at:

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46:07

Episode 30: Sex With Other People...Around

Pillow Talks ·

2021/12/16

Having sex when there are guests around (or when you are a guest in someone's home) can be a major source of anxiety — but sometimes you just HAVE to do it! Today, we're going to walk you through how to respectfully, discreetly get down wherever you're spending the holidays. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode30

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50:38

Episode 29: Anxious? Avoidant? What Your Attachment...

Pillow Talks ·

2021/12/09

Attachment Style Theory looks at the ways we respond to other people based on the way we responded to our earliest relationships: our relationships with our parents. In this episode we're talking about what each style means for the people who have it, plus how the styles relate to each other. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode29

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32:37

Episode 28: So Your Partner Told You Their Fantasy......

Pillow Talks ·

2021/12/02

Do you have a fantasy you've always wanted to explore? Maybe your partner does as well, but it doesn't 'match up' with yours. In this episode we're diving into a five step process for dealing with different fantasies in relationships.

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51:35

Episode 27: Your In-Law Holiday Survival Guide

Pillow Talks ·

2021/11/24

In-laws are tricky. Holidays are tricky. Put them together and you've got some truly stressful situations. In this episode we are once again going 'advice column-style' to help some of our audience members sort out their frustrations. We're talking a lot about boundaries and communication, and even if you have typically stress-free holidays, this episode is definitely entertaining.

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46:55

Episode 26: Are You Good In Bed?

Pillow Talks ·

2021/11/18

We turned to our Instagram audience @vanessamarintherapy to ask them "what makes someone good in bed?" and they DELIVERED. They also opened up on telling us what makes someone bad in bed. Do you really know what actually makes sex good? Listen to find out some major themes we noticed. We'll unpack our findings and give you practical advice to sharpen your skills in the bedroom. Check out the Show Notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode26

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40:34

Episode 25: Are You Too Needy?

Pillow Talks ·

2021/11/11

When you hear the word 'needy', it's probably the last thing you would ever want to be described as; being needy is so steeped in shame! Today we're going to talk about what neediness is - and what it isn't - and some genuinely helpful tools for addressing neediness. Check out the show notes here: vmtherapy.com/episode25

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47:12

Episode 23: Butt Stuff!

Pillow Talks ·

2021/10/28

What makes anal play so great anyway and why are people so intimidated by it? Well, we're answering those questions and talking about how to break through some of the objections surrounding this topic. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode23

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