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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

02:28:09

Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 5 - Yee-Yee Ass Keyblade

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/05/10

Somehow although we only visited a handful of worlds this chunker became chockablock with crazy nonsense, including: - Lion Hamlet - Vanessa Gets Visited By A Socially Conservative Owl - Congratulations Things - Roxas's friends: Hey There, Paunch and Oolug - Getting Norted - Do You Like Imagine Dragons? - Naminé-tions - Can Sora Read? - Cyber Bikes - "Got it memorized?" - Goofy's Death - JRPG Tommy Lee This Week: Pride Lands, Twilight Town Revisited, Space Paranoids & Hollow Bastion Battle Next

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01:43:31

Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 4 - Santa Loves Me

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/05/03

This time Kingdom Hearts 2 really swings for the bleachers with nothin' but hits, from Aladdin to Little Mermaids and Pirates of the Carribbean! It's tough to reach a consensus on all this finny fun, but there's plenty to enjoy such as: - Gilbert Gottfried's newest sponsors - Aladdin's Whole Other Family - Vanessa's shocking Pirates confession - A phone call to Magical Disney Locker Supply - Way too much singing This Week: Atlantica, Port Royal, Halloween Town, Agrabah Next Week: Pride Lands, Hollow

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02:17:04

Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 3 - Absolute Sibilant

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/04/26

Oh hey! Welcome to our continuing journey through Squaresoft and Disney's Kingdom Hearts 2! There's plenty of Disney nostalgia in this episode, as well as Nomura nonsense, random Organization XIII characters and also: - Disneyfied Auron - Old Castles Aren't Fun - Daisy's good Ending - I believe in BooBerry - A Little Pete Chat This Week: Olympus, 100 Acre Wood, Disney Castle and Timeless River Next Week: Atlantica, Port Royal, Halloween Town, Agrabah Our Patreon:

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01:49:16

Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 2 - That's How He Gets Strong

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/04/19

We get through our first two Disney worlds and yet this episode is surprisingly light on Disney songs. On this chunker of Squaresoft's Kingdom Hearts 2 we get Sora a couple of rad keyblades and also: - Jim explains how drives work - Vanessa wants to learn all the official Disney nipples - Everyone loves Doug Airholes - Jim's first good theory in the history of the podcast - A very horny wardrobe - Vanessa's new bit: you have two bears inside you This Week: Hollow Bastion, Land of Dragons, and

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02:24:24

Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 1 - This Is Just A Business...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/04/12

Oh yes. We have embarked on an adventure. We're going to the Kingdom.... of Hearts! Two! This Patreon vote winner has brought a multitude of responses from each host. On this episode: - Matt's fancy son wonders why the chairs in Organization XIII are so high - Jim gets frustrated when we don't let him tell us what's happening - Johnny gets confused on whether this is a Matrix or a Truman Show or a Dark City - We reveal the true origins of Count Dooku - Are you ready for Conservative Comedian Goofy

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01:49:57

Final Fantasy VIII Part 8 - The Mommy Milky Way

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/04/05

Gird up your Mommy Milkers and Daddy Doinkers because it's time for some of us to finish Final Fantasy 8! This episode has everything you've ever wanted in a finalé episode, including: - More GF ranking! - Shumi Hand Talk! - Only Vanessa understanding the ending! - Junctionning yourself onto... SlutZone! - Maybe the best Final Fantasy last dungeon ever? This Week: We finish the game! Next Week: We do some nonsense in Yensid's tower in KH2, don't ask me Our Patreon:

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01:02:57

Square Roots Vs Billy Ray

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/04/04

We sit down with Writer/Director Billy Ray (Captain Phillips, The Comey Rule, The Hunger Games), to discuss his film Shattered Glass, ethics in journalism, and his upcoming series on the January 6th attacks on the US Capitol. VIDYA GAMEZ Check out Billy Ray's wiki here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Ray_(screenwriter) Tweet at Billy Ray: @BillyRay5229 Watch Shattered Glass free on Youtube here: https://youtu.be/LdtWcXAQ2Q0 Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact

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02:00:52

Final Fantasy VIII Part 7 - I'm Really Mee-Maw

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/03/29

Holy heck! Square Roots is FIVE whole years old! We debate whether half a decade is a long time as well as other hot topics like: - Vanessa doesn't want to be in a certain Posse - The Crisp Bowl Spire - Rinoa's little flux problem, a blurby wurble thing - Lunatic Pandora, Matt's Favourite Papa Roach Album - Final Fantasy's Longest Running Will They / Won't They This Week: We finish Disc 3! Next Week: We finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots

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01:56:10

Final Fantasy VIII Part 6 - You Can Show Yourselves Out

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/03/22

Okay, this is an incredible episode. Why? Because of the following talking points: - A Kramer Versus Kramer Scenario - A Difficult Cidtuation - Ruby Dragon: A XXX Porn Parody - Terrible Sephiroth - Would You Put Your Penix in the Phoenix? This Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall! Next Week: We finish Disc 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at)

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01:56:09

Final Fantasy VIII Part 5 - It's Climbing Oil

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/03/15

YEAH! We're only on Disc 2 and yet it's already Disc 3 crazy. This episode: we discuss Mortal Monday and the declaration of release dates; the world's most obvious Alan Tudyk pun; we list out the greatest sax hits for Irvine to play; Quistis mimes the flute; Squall makes PA announcements about hotdogs and his feelings; we meet the Garden Babies and SO MUCH MORE. This Week: We finish Disc 2! Next Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact

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01:39:07

Final Fantasy VIII Part 4 - Mrs. Cidfire

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/03/08

We all have a game That we hide away forever Then we take it out and play ourselves When everything is wrong Some are Seifer some are Squall Some are Selphie and some are Quistis They're the cast of this chunker But we love to play them all! Well, we all get impaled But we disregard the danger When you try to assassinate the sorceress Sometimes you go to jail Why were you so surprised That you didn't kill the Squallster Did you really think the game would end When we're on disc number 2? This Week:

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02:08:07

Final Fantasy VIII Part 3 - Featuring Leelee Sobieski...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/03/01

Vanessa gets lost in her role as the Sorceress Edea in this jam-packed episode of Square Roots. Not only do we discuss all sorts of kinds of tap dances, we also look at Rinoa's comfortable sweater, get involved in another caper, meet some big beefy bull boys, realize Irvine looks like a male stripper-slash-magician, and cast a 1990s dream version of Final Fantasy 8 for which we are cancelled. This Week: We finish Disc 1! Next Week: We reach Fisherman's Horizon! Our Patreon:

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02:20:34

Final Fantasy VIII Part 2 - The Hot Dog Room

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/02/22

Have the tables turned on Final Fantasy 8? Is everyone loving it all of a sudden? What the hell? One word: TRAINS. On this episode of Square Roots: we visit the hot dog room, Vanessa wants feathery soft chocobo cuddles and fluffly flappy moogle cuddles, Laguna Loire is the first real protagonist of the game, Johnny breaks the game, a three-person locker is ordered, and Jim body shames Muncher. This Week: We get to Galbadia Garden! Next Week: We finish Disc 1! Our Patreon:

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02:12:43

Final Fantasy VIII Part 1 - Seifer Is The Biff Tannen

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/02/15

Oh boy. The JRPG you either love, hate, or have another opinion on - Square's Final Fantasy VIII. Topics covered today: L'il Baby I Don't know; this game is about reading in a serious way; identifying a real Lisa Kudrow; thicc, thicc Quistis; cargo jorts; sometimes Squall has a 4K face; and Vanessa's greatest mashup ever: Truly, Madly, Crazy. This Week: We save Rinoa (??) after she meets the best looking guy at the dance! Next Week: We get to Galbadia Garden! Our Patreon:

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02:05:26

Mass Effect 2 Part 6 - Doctor Chocolates

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/02/08

Mass Effect 2 COMPLETE. How many hosts crossed the finish line? Did everyone side with the Alliance or The Illustrated Man? Why were the Reapers building a Baby Terminator? What's up with all the useful people being loaded onto the Magic School Bus? Did Johnny get to romance Morinth? Who lived and who died on the suicide mission? So many questions! This Week: We finish Mass Effect 2! Next Week: We save Rinoa after she meets the best looking guy at the dance! Our Patreon:

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02:13:23

Mass Effect 2 Part 5 - The MsvDLT

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/02/01

You'll be glad you came to listen to this episode of our Mass Effect 2 playthrough, because it's got it all: Vanessa questioning whether Johnny knows what a nipple is, Luke's classic line "No you weren't, Obi-Wan!", classic dumb robot logic, a doctor definitely not being controlled by this lovely, beautiful artifact, and Vanessa reveals that Batarians are technically people, but, you know. Also, don't forget: pew pew pew, launch launch launch, float float float, it's Mass Effect. This Week: We play

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02:05:36

Mass Effect 2 Part 4 - Leave My Balls Out Of It

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/01/25

On this week's episode of Square Roots, we clear up all the Loyalty Missions in Mass Effect 2, as well as so many other shocking revelations including: Elcor stepmom fan fiction, Wesident Evil 8 Vampire Lady, Morinth and her love for Matchbox 20, Johnny's apparent love for Boondock Saints and Garrus trying to frame Shepherd for his crimes. This Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends! Next Week: We do all the Loyalty Missions! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Ro

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02:17:36

Mass Effect 2 Part 3 - Avocado Nom

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/01/18

Finally, we get the whole team together in this action-packed chunker of Mass Effect! This week: tum-tums are punched and shot, we lean into our kids show host natures, Vanessa wants to Shape of Water Thane, people get sucked down the Illusive Man Space YouTube hole, Biotic Space God Niftu Cal, recruiting Timothy Olyphant and Snooki to help finish the fight, IRL Samara, Tattooed Teenage Fighters from Beverly Hills, ASMR Harbinger, and everyone's favorite Vader lines. This Week: We finish recruiting

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01:59:17

Mass Effect 2 Part 2 - What If Kaiden and Carth Kissed?

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/01/11

We're now getting deep into Mass Effect 2! On this episode we recruit the prisoner, meet up with Doctor Okurrrrrrrr, and save the Horizon Zero Dawn colony. Also this week: we compare the abilities of Cutscene Jack versus Game Jack, question just what symbols are on the side of the new Cerebus Normandy, Vanessa tries her hand at slash fiction, and so much more! This Week: We rescue the Horizon colony! Next Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

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02:53:09

Mass Effect 2 Part 1 - Hot Jabba

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2021/01/04

On your favorite podcast on the citadel this season: we discuss Mass Effect 2! So much to go through that this chunker hits almost three hours. Sorry. Topics discussed include: Miranda's game cover blowout; potential colony names including MILF Town and Slut Zone (again); the Helena Blake Sale; Garrus's erotic leg spread and of course Jim's big teeth fetish. This Week: We recruit Archangel! Next Week: We will play through the dossiers of the convict, warlord and Horizon Colony! Plus Citadel quests

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