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PODCAST

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

Toke up to this whimsical, narrated Cannabis Column that infuses contemporary observations from an old school perspective. The name Stoney Baloney says it all; a weekly grab bag of ingredients that"s sure to be infused with lots of salty flavors to make it taste delicious.

comedy

All Episodes

02:40

#73 - Heard Immunity

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/07/20

A sure-fire way to generate self-validation these days is to make the claim that you’ve been insulted. Which is easiest to accomplish when you are part a group. You see, we attach our identities to affiliations and that affiliation provides a sense of security because when others share your point of view, your opinions become validated. And if someone discriminates against you, they are discriminating against the entire affiliation. They call this safety in numbers. And what’s not to love about the

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02:27

#72 - The Dating Game

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/07/10

THE DATING GAME Remember that television show from the old days called The Dating Game? Before a live studio audience, they would hide an eligible bachelor, or bachelorette behind a screen to ask questions to three contestants of potential relationship material. The purpose was to explore compatibility with the ultimate reward of romance. The questions were saucy, the young and delightful participants were terribly good looking, and everyone had a little fun. Tila Tequila wasn’t even born yet. You

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02:29

#71 - Put Shade On Me, Bro

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/07/03

A beautiful pair of sunglasses is an effective, immediate means to gaining status. But there is a method to the heist. For the casual passerby, there is something about the mystery behind those veiled lenses that injects a jolt of curiosity, wondering if they have serendipitously caught a glimpse of someone famous. Even if for only a split-second, they will incredulously wonder if they have happened upon that rare opportunity to witness a brilliant celebrity in their natural form who just happened

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02:30

#70 - CBDelicious

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/06/26

If you’re concerned about federal legalization, know that it is only a matter of time. Cannabis is a weed and weeds find a way to emerge through the cracks. Like the culture itself, weed is indistinguishable. We are weeds. It’s easy to speculate that possibly the main reason there’s not already an ounce in every bread basket is largely due to the theory that the medical industry isn’t too down with seeing their margins shrink so the radicals of this hippie culture can rake the profits of Baby

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02:27

#69 - My PTSD Is Not Very TGIF

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/06/19

It’s funny, you know? We have longer life spans than ever before in the history of our species, but less time for shit. So, to clear out some of that unwanted clutter like language and such, it makes natural sense to condense our words and phrases into convenient little, digestible acronyms. Because the more you abbreviate your words the more time you save and are therefore able to accomplish more tasks in your day. Except the task of practicing patience, that is. Anyway, if you don’t know the

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02:35

#68 - The Shituation

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/06/12

Remember that dude on Jersey Shore who called himself The Situation? Well, this has absolutely nothing to do with him. So, now that we have gotten that out of the way, let us pontificate. As kids, it is safe to say that for most of us the proverb Waste Not, Want Not was stuffed into our mushy little brains as much as the Cookie Monster stuffed Oreos into his stoned mouth. In fact, Cookies is now as much of an imperative word in the Cannabis vernacular as wedding cake, which makes a lot of sense

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02:40

#67 - What Happened to the Shotgun?

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/06/05

It was the sexiest move ever. For those of you who have no context from which to draw for the legendary Shotgun, it was the old school move of smoothness where you took a lit joint, flipped it around and carefully cupped your lips over the center without touching the cherry. You then forced an exhale, pressing the smoke outward through the hole and into the recipient’s open mouth without drenching the paper with saliva. And the cooperation with which you administered this fashionable toke lent

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02:51

#66 - The Honorable Dabs

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/05/29

Walking toward the car with a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head, I was momentarily overcome with that strange instinctual sense that a playful baby hippopotamus might be wandering nearby. And just as the attention returned to focus, the right foot planted into a warm pile of freshly birthed dog doo that sent my leg sliding forward into a 1970’s disco split right there next to the driver’s side door. It all happened so instantaneously. Suddenly, out of the periphery came the hurtling Davey Dabs in

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02:33

#65 - Death by Banana

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/05/22

I’m sure there has been someone through the course of history who has died as a result of bananas. Or at least one banana. Like, there must be one person who has slid on a banana peel, fallen awkwardly, broken their hip, become immobilized, and kicked the proverbial bucket. In fact, I’ll bet there’s someone who has died from kicking a bucket, but that’s another hunk of baloney. Times have changed since watching Charlie Chaplin bust his ass on a stray peel to some twinkling ragtime music. I think

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02:35

#64 - The Great Depression

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/05/15

Wow, was 4/20 this year a bust, or what? I mean, Marvel’s Black Widow being bumped for a later release was disappointing, but this takes the meaning of anticlimactic to a new level. Yay, live streaming is so much fun! Not. I mean, we really could’ve used a quick hit of morale for our annoyingly short attention spans and lackluster lives because the thrill of fantasy films and tiger kings is losing its wow factor and no longer filling in the gaps with the needed diversion between the daily commute

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02:36

#63 - Beards & Dad Bods

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/05/08

You plumberjacks better enjoy this short phenomenon while it lasts because shockingly, right now if you resemble the walrus in Fantasia who gobbles up helpless baby oysters and you have a beard, women can potentially find you sexy. And that shit hasn’t happened since…well, it’s never happened. Maybe that’s not accurate. I mean, the Vikings were beardacious, but I’m pretty sure they lived off pollock and mead, which was a lot leaner than your modern equivalent; the triple bypass burger irrigated with

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02:48

#62 - Check Your Temperature

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/05/01

It was the hot dab that did me in. Thank you, my airheaded, rookie administrator, for enlightening me to what the inside of a barrel of a flame thrower is like when delivering a mechanical dragon’s demonstration of unbridled fury. And just when I managed to inhale something that resembled actual air, the entire experience was deepened upon identifying the sensation of having swallowed a sleeping porcupine into my lungs who, upon awakening in the cramped space, was overcome with fear causing it to

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02:38

#61 - Competitive Posing

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/04/24

She who creates the post always looks her best. And in the league of personal brand development, we need every advantage when pitching our lives to the masses. There is little room for imperfection. One unfiltered, compromising hangover photo of stringy morning hair tied into a haphazard bun can be disastrous. One side profile of baggy sweatpants with a protruding belly can do you in, or even worse, being photographed wolfing down a burger with no makeup covering the blemishes. It can undermine

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02:46

#60 - Your GPS Lied to You

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/04/17

The tragic miscalculation of digital driving directions can be the cause of great stress. Because when you’re lost, everything appears foreign. Your surroundings are unfamiliar, you find yourself flustered and exposed. This is a dark and confusing place where suddenly every turn, every sidewalk, and every streetlight looks identical. Your sense of security vanishes, leaving you vulnerable and frightened, the anxiety heightened. You feel betrayed by the soothing, relatable personality inside of your

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02:43

#59 - The Inimitable Davey Dabs

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/04/10

Davey Dabs brought home a movie and inserted it into his VHS player while we were all hanging out one afternoon. The picture was called Death Race 2000 where there is a competition in retiring people by taking them out in juiced up, retro-futurized race cars. Seeing that Davey Dabs was a Frogger champion in the 7th grade, it made sense that he would romanticize the idea of smushing ordinary people for points on a scoreboard. Davey Dabs lives by one sound mantra, that his only true responsibility in

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02:33

#58 - A Fungus Among Us

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/04/03

Try to share your beer with just about anyone these days and they’ll thanklessly grimace at your unsanitary gesture. You may as well have just mauled a garlic seasoned smelt melt and then offered them a French Kiss. “Germs are microscopic,” they think to themselves. “How can I be certain I won’t catch a cold sore?” Or perpetuate a pandemic. If it’s a fancy cocktail in a martini glass, a polite person may reach for the nearest straw to dip and taste from, or maybe even find an untouched side of the

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02:40

#57 - Anti-Social Media

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/03/27

It’s getting extremely difficult to differentiate between feelings in the cyber world and the real world. I mean, how do you know the true intention of someone who communicates with smiley faces blowing heart kisses, or gushes copious amounts of tears when they find something to be funny, yet won’t return your phone call for four days? Come to think about it, I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried. I wish it happened more often. I think I’m starting to get it, though. These icons

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02:46

#56 - What We Learned From Slugworth

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/03/20

Everyone has seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, right? Well Slugworth, in case you have the memory of Dori the Fish, is the creepy, long-faced fucker who scares kids straight. Kind of like that sinister, spider-like pervert in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang who smells children better than his own farts, but that’s an entirely different thesis. These guys are good old-fashioned villains. Stories need them. They play a vital role, which is to initially make you feel uncomfortable so that when there

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02:35

#55 - Self Imposed Sobriety

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/03/13

A lot of people need to dry out and they know it. So, getting sober is an annual challenge some of my friends will undertake for around thirty days, usually the same month every year. And it’s not like they enjoy this exile, but in their mind, the abstinence is a necessary evil that is going to miraculously stave off an early grave. And rehab. We all know that the body can’t reverse liver and heart damage in the matter of one month, but that’s ok, the endeavor is nonetheless recognized. And it sure

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02:47

#54 - The Friendgirl

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2020/03/06

It’s a woman who is just a friend. Except a guy can’t call her a girlfriend like a girl can call another girl a girlfriend. You see, if a man publicly addresses his friendgirl as a girlfriend, the silence stews amongst those within earshot, the brows lift, and the inquiries eventually fly like hail in a tornado. Be aware, gentlemen, that the examination will begin suggestively. First, you’ll pick up a subtle nudge that comes off as cautiously indirect. It’ll be something like, “So, how do you two

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