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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

01:05:50

Final Fantasy 7 Mailbag!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/04/01

Hi friends! Everyone wants to talk about Final Fantasy 7, and our episodes have been running real long, so have a mailbag episode! Topics include: belts and suspenders, Tifa, dreams about smooching celebrities, ranking various Final Fantasy games, and so much more!

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02:27:46

Final Fantasy VII Part 6 - The Bone Zone

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/03/30

This episode is just chock full of bonkers moments from a very, very bonkers JRPG. Questions include: was Genesis Rhapsodos a member of Organization XII? Was Palmer Final Destination'd? Can a plane be a boat? What's an upstairs and downstairs treasure, really? Why does Aeris hide behind trees so badly? AND SO MANY MORE. This Week: We complete the Temple of the Ancients! Next Week: We finish our first visit to THE CRATER. Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Tetrimino for letting us

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02:20:40

Final Fantasy VII Part 5 - Did Sephiroth Do This?

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/03/23

This week on a big, large, huge episode of Square Roots we ask: what happened to our first recording of this episode? Who doesn't love the pep? Why don't we all go to the Gun Arm Emporium? Who is better than Bette Midler? Will you smash like and subscribe on a lifestream livestream? Which Paul Verhoeven movie is the best? What even is Cait Sith? This Week: We find the secret of Cosmo Canyon! Next Week: We complete the Temple of the Ancients! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to

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57:30

Scare Roots - Dead Space

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/03/18

Hey! We're all having a pretty rough month so this special episode of Scare Roots was brought back from the deeeeeeeeead. Johnny, Jim and Doctor Steve Stone play through this terrifying tale of mankind's hubris! We hope you like it.

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01:54:45

Final Fantasy VII Part 4 - No Down Side

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/03/16

Matthew is on assignment for this chunker as we dig down into mid section of Disc 1. How long is this disc anyhow? Features of this chunker include: stealing from baby birds, a bit of Barret's back story, a chocobo dance number, Jim's Summon Review Corner, and possibly the worst minigame of all time. This Week: We reach North Coral and prep to get on the Gold Saucer tram! Next Week: We find the secret of Cosmo Canyon! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Tetrimino for letting us use

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01:38:54

Final Fantasy VII Part 3 - That's Mrs. Eyeball Nipple

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/03/09

Final Fantasy VII Part 3 - That's Mrs. Eyeball Nipple Another great debate: Does Jenova has an eyeball or nipple? On this week's episode: we do a terrible climing section, a million puzzle rooms, climb some stairs, DRIVE A MOTORCYCLE UP AND DOWN SOME STAIRS, meet the wonderful Mr. Palmer, Vanessa develops feelings for Reeve, meet a puppycat, and Johnny gets heckled. Also: Sephiroth's Martha moment. This Week: We escape Midgar and head to Kalm! Next Week: We reach North Coral and prep to get on the

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01:41:00

Final Fantasy VII Part 2 - Don't Actually Do It, It's...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/03/02

IT'S THE WALL MARKET! THE BEST CHUNKER OF ANY JRPG EVER! In this episode: Cloud explores his gender identity and sexuality, we witness the death of the Cat Slide, Tseng politely attempts to kidnap Aeris, Vanessa's custom lockers in the Square Roots house, and Daddy's So Lonely. This Week: We escape the destruction of Sector 7! Next Week: We escape Midgar and head to Kalm! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Tetrimino for letting us use their fantastic mix of J-E-N-O-V-A and Birth

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02:08:27

Final Fantasy VII Part 1 - All Around Me Are Familiar...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/02/24

TWO HUNDRED EPISODES! How do we celebrate? By getting all nostalgic for the blocky lil' LEGO friends of Final Fantasy VII! In this chunker: President Shinra negs Cloud, we ride a pinball machine, Tifa has many outfits, Johnny tries to decipher all of Cloud's bizarre flashes and flashbacks, and body pillow requests! This Week: We blow up the Sector 5 reactor and get to the Wall Market in Final Fantasy VII! Next Week: We escape the destruction of Sector 7! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

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02:43:11

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 6 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/02/17

What happens if you leave Vanessa and Johnny alone to wrap up a game? Over two and a half hours of a two-fister, that's what happens. We can't be trusted to keep on track, so not only do we work through the last eight or so hours of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords but somehow also get into Vanessa's vague recollections of Yaddle's expanded unvierse backstory, we spend way too long googling Ed Asner's resume, talk about the merits and drawbacks of the idealism of The West

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01:42:55

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 5 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/02/10

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! It's a Johnny and Vanessa two-fister in this odd chunker of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. First of all, we research Alanis's financial situation, Johnny plots out his own edit of How I Met Your Mother while forgetting the name of Jason (?) Segal (?), and then we get into the Super Secret Cave of Secrets (AKA a Luke Cave), go on a guided tour of the Sith Ruins, answer some SAT questions and restore a hereditary monarchy. Now go get that definitely not

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02:02:18

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 4 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/02/03

It's an Election Year on Onderon in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic! We've got some disturbingly familiar candidates, as well as Mandalorians to team up with, a mystery to not solve, a sexy pleasure yacht to board, and so much more! This Week: We complete the Yacht and leave Onderon with Mandalore! Next Week: We finish Korriban and return to Onderon! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook:

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01:42:13

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 3 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/01/27

In this exciting episode of Square Roots we visit Nar Shaddaa and find a couple of will they - won't they bounty hunters, Jellicle Katt fails to find a lightsaber, meet a bat boy, murder the entire Exchange, swap characters about fifty times, discuss the merits of charity, find out Atton's naughty truth, and so much more! This Week: We leave Nar Shaddaa for Goto's Sexy Pleasure Yacht! Next Week: We complete the Yacht and leave Onderon with Mandalore! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

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02:08:29

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 2 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/01/20

We get a bunch of annoying cold calls from corporate folks and faith healers, Jim once again fails to get dark or light side points, we got a lot of phone calls, teach a droid to lie, Revanites versus Revanchists, and Matt starts his feud with Skimbleshanks! This Week: We fly out of Telos back in the ol' Ebon Hawk! Next Week: We leave Nar Shaddaa for Goto's Sexy Pleasure Yacht Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook:

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02:17:22

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 1 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/01/13

This episode requires an extended list of apologies: apologies to Beaumont Kin fans, Dominic Monaghan, fans of Outer Wilds, Baby Yoda, Obsidian, BioWare, Bacta afficianados, Timothy Omundson and so many more. This Week: We fly out of Peragus II in Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords! Next Week: We fly out of Telos back in the ol' Ebon Hawk! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

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01:39:55

Yakuza Part 5 - What's the Omi Alliance Again?

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2020/01/06

On this action-packed Yakuza finale we: celebrate Matthew's return from dangerous lands unknown; enjoy Square Roots's first Triple Jump In Front Of Bullets; question whether or not Johnny has actually seen the new Star Wars; see how many people can die in front of Haruka; organize our mobs politely and SO MUCH MORE! This Week: We finish Yakuza! Next Week: We fly out of Peragus II in Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Vincent Moretto

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59:03

Best of the Decade Listener Lists

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/12/30

We're taking the week off, but figured we'd check out your favorite games of the decade and comment and critique! If you want to hear our personal lists, check out https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast and pledge $3 or more for all our bonus episodes!

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01:35:44

Yakuza Part 4 - Here's the Church

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/12/23

We debate what is the scheme, who is being rescued, and what exactly is the Shape of Love in this explosive episode. First of all, Vanessa's audio track eats itself for half the show so she disappears for a while. Meanwhile, we ask WHAT ABOUT WILLY BEAMISH?! Also: Haruka gets kidnapped again, the game turns into Virtua Cop, Kiryu heroically uses a human shield, and we get flashbacks to stabbings and torture. Plus Vanessa and Johnny learn about Jim's playground games. And if they don't stop, it's

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01:46:55

Yakuza Part 3 - I Saw Mommy Cucking Santa Claus

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/12/16

CW: Child abuse, transphobia With Matthew still on dangerous assignment, Jim, Vanessa and Johnny get through some family-oriented business in this chunker of Sega's Yakuza (and Yakuza Kiwami)! On this episode we delve into whether or not Santa was supposed to be the dad in I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Vanessa fails to explain cup-sizes in the legendary Yakuza SubStory The Price of an F-Cup, we go gambling with a literal child, Vanessa questions the veracity of a first-time sworker, and so much

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01:41:27

Yakuza Part 2 - It's Like Pokémon If You're A Pervert

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/12/09

We get lost in the weeds of Sega's open world brawler RPG in this episode of Square Roots. While Matthew is lost in dangerous enemy territory, Vanessa recounts a horrifying beetle experience, Johnny wishes for a sexy wrestling game that will never happen, and Jim takes the swrong kind of cough medicine. This Week: We finish Chapter 5 of Yakuza! Next Week: We finish Chapter 7! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Vincent Moretto for his metal cover of Receive You, and to Esseph for

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01:48:48

Yakuza Part 1 - White Queso Velveeta Clan

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/12/02

What are the Yakuza? Vanessa, Jim and Johnny aren't quite sure, but they try to talk it out using Kraft company metaphors. Also: Johnny fails at simple math, we get our first taste of the Majima Everywhere system, and have a hard time memorizing the 80 people you're introduced to in the first three chapters. This Week: We finish Chapter 3 of Yakuza! Next Week: We finish Chapter 5! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Vincent Moretto for his metal cover of Receive You, and to Esseph

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