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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

01:56:06

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 5 - You Get...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/11/25

Jim's track got drank by audio vampires, but we just struggle on and edit him out! On this episode we fight real live werewolves, set the lasers to "human", and find a cabbie who will drive us to the ending of our choice! This Week: We finish Vampire: The Masquerade! Next Week: We finish Chapter 3 of Yakuza 1! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Katja Savia for letting us use her rad cover of Chiasm's Isolated! Check out Katja's work at: YOUTUBE:

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01:43:01

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 4 - Flesh...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/11/18

This week on an exciting, vamp-filled episode of Square Roots: Vanessa fights a street shark with a Japanese demon hunter; the game wants us to pick a fight with a polite Kuei-Jin; Matthew presses 1 through all the dialogue; Johnny completely misremembers game dialogue with way more slurs; the game completely breaks several times and SO MUCH MORE! This Week: We rescue Gary's buddy and recover the sarcophagus! Next Week: We finish Vampire: The Masquerade! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

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01:53:45

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 3 - It's...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/11/11

In this exciting episode of Square Roots Jim disappears, Johnny doesn't know how to pronounce Tzimisce or Hamill, Vanessa's descent into Vampire the Masquerade mythology madness continues, and Matthew meets more pallete-swapped Toots / Sworkers. This Week: We find the Nosferatu warren and head to Chinatown! Next Week: We rescue one of Gary's buddies and get a phone call from him. Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Katja Savia for letting us use her rad cover of Chiasm's

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01:40:27

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 2 - This...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/11/04

Jim stumbles upon a secret room in Troika's Vampire: The Masquerade that we're not entirely sure exists in this sprawling episode of Square Roots. Also: Johnny is uncomfortable with the plaguebearers quest, Chunk gets his time to shine, we sneak on to a ship with very broken doors, and a raptor makes us nervous. This Week: We spend a night at a museum and head to Hollywood! Next Week: We find the Nosferatu warren and head to Chinatown! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Katja

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02:13:18

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 1 - Sexy...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/10/28

CW: Mental illness, sexual assault Finally, Vanessa's greatest wish comes true and we start the sexy vampire chronicles of Troika's RPG classic: Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines: The Undying: Reckoning: Turn to the Dark: Revengeance. Join Eponia Shade, Chad Cemetary, Claudius Scares and Mathiu Vamp Zandt as they learn all about the rules of Vampire Prom, find out that there are plenty of stakes in this scenario, and disarm a violent offender. Also Matt skips a vital tutorial and Jim isn't totally

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01:34:25

Suikoden Part 6 - Tinkles & Windy

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/10/21

Before we finish Suikoden, ask yourself this: are you ready for front gate and back gate action? We gather our forces, recruit 108 stars, transcend mortality, deal with Anne Geddes, find a spy, meet our new mom, and give Emperor Barbarossa breakup advice. This Week: We finish Suikoden! Next Week: We head out of Santa Monica after exploderizing a factory! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Banjo Guy Ollie for letting us use his fantastic cover of Distant Mountains, featuring

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01:41:25

Suikoden Part 5 - An Inappropriately Named He-Man...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/10/14

3 Ninjas kick back and join our party in this patricidal chunk of the Konami JRPG Suikoden. Join Kun To and all the other sluts for justice as we duel McDohl’s father, we recruit Alan Greenspan, abandon children, get the requisite sarcastic sword, get on a James Bond tangent, and finally, finally kill a vampire. This week: We kill Neclord and recruit Milia in the Dragon’s Den. Next week: We finish Suikoden! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Banjo Guy Ollie for letting us use his

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01:18:45

Suikoden Part 4 - Deadly Grandma

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/10/07

Watch out - Sexy Grandma has ranked up in the lethal arts. Also: gambling financing an army, some big losses, Teo finds out his son is really into bears, reckless spore use, and so much more! This Week: We get to the secret factory! Next Week: Milia joins us in the Dragon's Den. Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Banjo Guy Ollie for letting us use his fantastic cover of Distant Mountains, featuring Mohawk Gaymer. You can find Ollie on his YouTube page:

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01:49:20

Suikoden Part 3 - A Family Attack

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/09/30

Should you train your family to do a coordinated Unite attack? Matthew, Vanessa and a very sick Johnny consider this and so many other ideas in this action packed chunker of Konami's Suikoden. Also: hair hats, rapping about breath play, Los Sabados Gigantes physiology, tea refusal, the low survival rate of tree villages, and so much more! This Week: We defeat Kwanda Rosman in a duel! Next Week: We get to the secret factory! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Banjo Guy Ollie for

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01:27:16

Suikoden Part 2 - NINJA SMOKE BOMB

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/09/23

Finally, a game lets us name our castle. We decide on a variety of serious choices: it's a serious game, and it deserve serious names for the castle. We think you'll agree. Also: mandatory poisoning, Kage's dating habits, Odessa's woman / leader dichotomy, sewer dumping, dice games, and so much more! This Week: We liberate the Castle of Toran! Next Week: We defeat Kwanda Rosman in a duel! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Banjo Guy Ollie for letting us use his fantastic cover

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59:06

Scare Roots - What Remains of Edith Finch!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/09/20

CW: Child loss JUMP SCARE! Sorry for spookifying you. But Vanessa, Jim and Johnny are here with another Scare Roots - this time taking a look at What Remains of Edith Finch, the 2017 story game! Support Square Roots on Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

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01:39:26

Suikoden Part 1 - Ted is the Urkel of Suikoden

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/09/16

Lots of Farmer's Almanac talk, Breaking Bad, Luc the Dickens Era Street Urchin, pondering if we've encountered our first gay couple, and so much more on this first episode of Suikoden! This Week: We reach Lenankamp in Suikoden! Next Week: We liberate the Castle of Toran! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Banjo Guy Ollie for letting us use his fantastic cover of Distant Mountains, featuring Mohawk Gaymer. You can find Ollie on his YouTube page:

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01:41:09

Breath of Fire III Part 8 - TWIST!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/09/09

Are they twists, or reveals? Is there a difference? Either way at least half the cast of Breath of Fire III has something to reveal in this astounding final episode of Breath of Fire III. Also: Vanessa takes Myria's educational tour ride, we let the faerie village sort itself out, Ryu gets a blast from the past, and Peco gets smart, somehow. This Week: We finish the gaaaaaaaame! Next Week: We reach Lenankamp in Suikoden! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his

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01:37:32

Breath of Fire III Part 7 - Translation Error...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/09/02

Matthew just can't stop his faeries from eating each other in this desert-spanning episode! Breath of Fire somehow manages to go full Sierra game AND begin the space elevator up to Disc 3 Crazy! Vanessa can't find robots, Matthew refuses to believe Johnny about an easily provable fact, and Johnny pitches a great premise for a Ted Talk app. Also! We answer your questions! This Week: We beat the Chimera in Caer Xhan! Next Week: We finish the gaaaaaaaame! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

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01:45:24

Breath of Fire III Part 6 - Incel Sheev

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/08/26

Are Jedis just a bunch of Chads? Should you guilt your party members into kissing a horny old man? Just how deadly are eggs? Just what was Johnny talking about that Matthew beeped out? All these questions and more will be answered soon! This Week: We make it to the desert of death! Next Week: We beat the Chimera in Caer Xhan! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his Breath of Fire III covers that we will use throughout this series. Check out Steven's music:

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01:55:08

Breath of Fire III Part 5 - Tickle Your Health Away

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/08/19

Breath of Fire III what is? This episode might not answer that, but it does have a variety of minigames to make your life so very very good. These include: - pulling a bucket out of a well - driving a boat into a bigger boat - pulling a monster out of the sea AND SO MANY MORE. Also: Lisa Loeb rare b-sides, beefy boys, Spandex Einstein: Kukuys, the legend of the seven seas. This Week: We make it across the sea after about eighty minigames in possibly the most minigame filled episode ever. Next Week:

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01:38:36

Breath of Fire III Part 4 - Matthew Needs Faeries

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/08/12

Breath of Fire decides to take a long stroll through memory lane as a now grown-up Ryu revisits his childhood haunts. Fortunately Johnny has caught up, Vanessa finds something in common with Peco, there's a game-breakingly good dragon form, and no one can figure out this faerie village minigame. Oh! Also now the quest is to go talk to God, which is a whole thing. This Week: We grab yet another passport from Nina's dad! Next Week: We make it across the sea after about eighty minigames in possibly

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01:22:41

Scare Roots - Child's Play (1988)

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/08/06

Come join us for an animatronic, physical VFX filled spook 'em up, Child's Play! You know, the one with Chucky! The first one! Before he got married and had a family. Jim and Johnny are joined by Gena Radcliffe and Patrick Hamilton from the Kill By Kill podcast as they explore the film that scared poor kid Johnny to the point of refusing to watch. Find Kill By Kill here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/kill-by-kill/id1124379551

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02:24:39

Breath of Fire III Part 3 - Either A Some Kind Of...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/08/05

We take on a too-big chunker in a disasterous episode of Square Roots. For the first time in the history of the show, Matt is the only one who completed it. Also this episode: Johnny's problematic alter-ego, debating the origins of woods pornography, things get real Cho Aniki, there's muscle chest cleavage, and the game decides to provide optional Australian dialogue. This Week: We finally fight the resident at the top of Angel Tower! Next Week: We grab yet another passport from Nina's dad! Hey

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