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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

01:38:40

Breath of Fire III Part 1 - Matted with Chrysm

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/07/22

CW: Child loss, 01h06min-01h12min So many questions this episode. Are we going to get sick of protagonists Gary and Mogu? Can you get chrysm out of fur? Is there anything sadder than the story of the Nue? Is Bunyan Johnny's new husband? Can we put the ghost of Julian to rest? Should we dwell on Teepo's gender? What is Matthew smoking? This Week: We start Breath of Fire III and play until killing the boss of Mount Glaus. Next Week: We escape Momo's Tower in a dramatic manner. Thanks to Steven

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01:31:36

Fallout Part 5 - You Belong at the Olive Garden

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/07/15

Johnny starts writing his epitaph after a near-disaster at the Olive Garden in this week's chilling Fallout Finale. What really happened to Vanessa's dog? Is Johnny a psychopath? Did Matthew actually finish the game? Where is Jim? Finally, we get a Parasite Eve / Kingdom Hearts crossover that everyone will enjoy. This Week: We finish Fallout! Next Week: We start Breath of Fire III and play until killing the boss of Mount Glaus. Thanks to Lucas King for their Music Box cover of the Fallout 3 theme

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01:40:03

Fallout Part 4 - Oh, Brother!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/07/05

In this week's episode: the Grand High Brother from the Arkansas chapter of the Brotherhood is coming to visit, and Raxson demands the base be spotless! With a big promotion on the line, can Cabbot keep his secret family of irradiated mole rats out of sight? Will wacky neighbour Jerry stay out of it? FIND OUT! ALSO NEW GAME ANNOUNCED! This week: We solve the mysteries of the Glow and become Brotherhood Initiates! Next Week: We finish Fallout! Thanks to Lucas King for their Music Box cover of the

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01:40:28

Fallout Part 3 - CDEDBD Dumpers

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/07/01

Jim, Johnny and Vanessa are drawn into a world of 1970s word games that don't quite work, municipal conflicts best resolved by staying out of it, accidental genocide, crash courses in water pump repair, and trying to save scum their way through some rough Deathclaw encounters! This Week: We head to Necropolis and The Boneyard! Next Week: We become Brotherhood Initiates and descent into the Glow! Thanks to Lucas King for their Music Box cover of the Fallout 3 theme! Follow Lucas King on Youtube:

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01:21:20

Scare Roots - Silent Hill 2

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/06/27

Welcome to Square Roots's new spin-off podcast: Scare Roots! That's right, evil friends, we are looking at all things horrifying, disqueting, and sinister in gaming. This episode: we dissect Silent Hill 2. Who is Maria? Why is there a dog controlling everything? Where did Eddie get that pizza? FIND OUT TODAY! Thanks to 1 Coin Only for letting us use their chiptune remix of the Gremlins theme. Check them out on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtCcmOglwqpfEj-Fhcr0b9wa Contact Square

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02:01:14

Fallout Part 2 - Joshton's Gun Show

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/06/24

Johnny and Vanessa head deep into the desert wasteland, two-handedly solving all the townsfolk's problems in Junktown and The Hub. Larry David's crime spree? Solved. Attacks on the caravans? Solved. Casino staff being alive? Solved. Johnny's Vault Dweller Joshton and Vanessa's Vanessa Eym may not be the best or most ethical adventurers, but they get stuff done. Mostly. This Week: We play through Junktown and the Hub and do a questathon! Next Week: We head to Necropolis and The Boneyard! We couldn't

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01:21:46

Fallout Part 1 - Hashtag Deep Thoughts

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/06/17

Yeah! It's time to crawl out of our Vaults and go explore the desert wasteland. On this episode: we deal with 90s UI, talk about hot hot E3 news, have even more problems with 90s UI, try to find brown things on brown floors in brown houses, ignore major plot developments and are otherwise very confused. This Week: We reach Junktown in Fallout 1! Next Week: We play through Junktown and the Hub and do a questathon! We couldn't find any Fallout 1 covers! Thanks to Lucas King for their Music Box cover

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01:36:40

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 5 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/06/10

Finally, Matthew easily plows through Zelda, while John struggles through the finish. With Jim recovering from surgery and Vanessa returning to her home planet it's one more two hander! Topics today include: the death of witch ladies, Nabooru's tragic backstory, Zelda's crystal prison as a metaphor for late capitalism, Persona Q, Fallout excitement, and more! We also get real confused about Zelda timelines. This Week: We play Ocarina of Time to completion! Next Week: We reach Junktown in Fallout 1

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01:33:00

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 4 - Jim's...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/06/03

Things get awkward after Vanessa flies back to her home planet and Jim recovers from surgery: that's right, after the level up this is a TWO-HANDER. John continues his angry rage against Nintendo and Ocarina of Time, Matthew lords his skill at Zelda over him, and they fairly easily complete The Hardest Zelda Dungeon Ever. Also: Vanessa has another Theatre Minute! Was the Zelda experiment a failure? Will it destroy the podcast? NO! THE NEXT GAME IS ANNOUNCED AND WE ARE ALL EXCITED! This Week: We

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02:04:04

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 3 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/05/27

HEYYYYYY OCARINA. Vanessa gets a theme song, John throws his expensive electronic equipment in a fit of rage, there's tons of minigames, Matthew figures out how to skip entire dungeon sections, and there's many hot takes about this game, it's controls, and for some reason the works of Kevin Smith. This Week: We clear the Fire Temple! Next Week: We somehow complete the Water Temple! Thanks to The Consouls for their awesome jazz cover of Zelda's Lullaby! Find The Consouls on YouTube:

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01:56:09

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 2 -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/05/20

Be prepared to throw your 3DS across the room, because Vanessa, Jim, Matthew and John are back and haven't quite mastered the ancient art of z-targeting. At all. Even while using their wrists. So pull on your stilletos, because on this episode: we meet the Great Fairy; we find a town full of strapping, stereotypical fail sons; head through the Dodge Durango dungeon; John falls in love with the Gorons; we discover Link's boundary issues; we have several cutscenes of large men behaving very, very

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44:12

AVENGERS: ENDGAME SPOILERZONE! (also Crazy...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/05/13

Hey! Our level up went incredibly long, and was mostly spoilers, so here it is in its own little package. 00:00 - Thrill as we break down The Avengers: Endgame and answer questions that you probably know the answers to! 34:00 - Ready for some Crazy Ex Girlfriend talk? We discuss the good and bad of the ending, Greg, and the results of Rebecca's romantic pursuits! The Avengers Theme - 8-bit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw4I6sJ7F18 Crazy-Ex Girlfriend Season 2 Theme -

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01:32:42

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 1 - Hey!...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/05/13

We talk about a spoilerzone at the end of the episode, but it turned out to be so beefy we've moved it to a separate episode! Check your feed! It's a new game! We get to Ocarina some Time! We get acquainted with some glowing ladies, a forest boy without a fairy who never talks, get into some deep vore with a tree, explore Jim's arachnophobia, Matthew explains how motion controls work to Jim (move your wrists), John gets gay married to a shopkeeper, and so much more! This Week: We finish the Lost

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01:32:42

EarthBound Part 7 - Spankedy Spankedy Spankedy

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/05/06

With these fateful words, Earthbound comes to a close. We tear through Ness's subconscious, lose Jim, deal with the shock and horror of instakill attacks, and finally learn to use thoughts and prayers to solve a problem. Also: so much body horror. This Week: We finish Earthbound! Next Week: We finish the Lost Woods in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time! Thanks to the Extra Lives for the use of their cover of Earthbound's Mobile Opponents Battle Theme! Follow Extra Lives on YouTube (they do a new

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01:32:29

EarthBound Part 6 - This Week's Episode Was Brought...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/04/29

Ness doesn't know who you are. Ness doesn't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you Ness doesn't have money, but what Ness does have are a very particular set of skills. Skills Ness has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make Ness a nightmare for people like you. If you let Apple Kid go now that'll be the end of it. Ness will not look for you, Ness will not pursue you, but if you don't, Ness will look for you, Ness will find you and Ness will kill you. ALSO NEXT

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01:36:21

EarthBound Part 5 - Dungeon Man's Goodbye Tunnel

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/04/22

We're going to a pyramid! That's right! We're stealing cultural relics, entering a pastiche of China via Japan, failing to use proper signalling to attain enlightenment, trying to figure out the lyrics to Venus, wake up on a beach after getting a little too blazed on some edibles, and regret Jim's hangover. This Week: We get a submarine! Next Week: We head to Magicant! Thanks to the Extra Lives for the use of their cover of Earthbound's Mobile Opponents Battle Theme! Follow Extra Lives on YouTube

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01:50:34

EarthBound Part 4 - Coffee, Andonuts?

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/04/15

Vanessa gets Star Wars crazy on this sprawling episode of Square Roots! We settle on Tony's sexuality while also learning how to spell "Tony", get drugged on a beach, fight the third strongest mole, get hassled by cops, get lost in Moonside for hours, meet a man with a spectacular unibrow, bail the discount Blues Brothers out of another jam, get bored at a concert, enjoy a terrible inventory-stretching dungeon, and so much more! This Week: We eat some bad cake in Summers! Next Week: We get a

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01:32:52

EarthBound Part 3 - Those Plants That Drain Your PP

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/04/08

This very important episode is brought to you by physicals. Physicals! Visit your doctor and let them handle your bits today! Also on this episode: Jim and John share bathroom anxiety, missing scenes from Macbeth, another one of John's musical references no one understands, we debate the definition of puzzles, and Vanessa's very upsetting definition of Mr. Saturn. This Week: We reach the Dusty Dunes Drug Store! Next Week: We eat some bad cake in Summers! Thanks to the Extra Lives for the use of

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01:34:39

EarthBound Part 2 - Brother-Husbands

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/04/01

The gang ventures into Twoson to solve some cult-related problems. Topics covered this week: the Apple Kid (Steve Jobs) versus the Orange Kid (Steve Wozniak); crashing at the Exit Mouse House; hot takes about the Blues Brothers; PP stealing; even more Hard-R Square Roots; the origins of the name Franklin Badge; and so, so much more! This Week: We hop on the Runaway Five tour bus and head to Threed! Next Week: We reach the Dusty Dunes Drug Store! Thanks to the Extra Lives for the use of their cover

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01:40:01

EarthBound Part 1 - Call Your Dad

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2019/03/25

Humans of Earth! Are you ready for... Mother 2? Or Earthbound? Whatever you want to call it! On this episode: Vanessa is on the gargle for St. Patrick's Day, John brings back a beloved segment, Matthew has a Level Up Classic, and Jim engages in Laissez-Faire parenting. Talking points for this episode include: attractive nuisances, Captain Strong's child fight club, at what age a child can confidently be called a jerk, and a look at this game's obsession with bed wetting. This Week: We defeat Captain

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