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The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Laurence Simon

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1:33

The old tools

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/27

He's been gone for years, but she still keeps his tools in the basement. The hammer. The wrenches. The circular saw and its blades. The baby food jars with screws and nails and nuts and bolts. She doesn't use them. One of the neighbors comes by to take care of anything she needs. And they have their own tools. The kids come to visit with their kids, but they have their own tools. They don't need them. They're all still in good condition. They'll probably end up in the shop class at the junior high

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1:20

Comparisons

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/26

There are people comparing vaccination efforts to the Holocaust. Other people comparing the 1/6 riots to 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. And everyone's calling each other Hitler and Nazis. If given a pile of apples and oranges, they'll compare them to Nazis. This generation is too fucking stupid to make comparisons. What do you expect from assholes who think a quarter of a pound is bigger than a third of a pound? I'd compare this generation to previous generations, but they'd just call me Nazi. Or

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1:27

Grandmothers Headache pills

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/25

My grandmother was a ruthless and callous bitch. She said that headaches were the result of feeling guilty about something, so she refused to give aspirin until I confessed to all the bad things they've done. Oh, and she'd scream this at me to make it worse. Sure, I'd done something bad. I was a rotten shit. But this was child abuse. My other grandmother gave out Life Savers saying they were headache pills. She had Dementia. Probably thought this was true. I knew what they were, so the placebo

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13:01

Weekly Challenge #970 – PICK TWO Scorpion, Walking on...

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/24

Tura Lisa Lizzie Rose Richard Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Arrested TURA Walking on eggshells; Scorpion --------- To test an aspiring ninja, the floor of a corridor is covered with eggshell halves glued in place, a live scorpion under each one. The candidate must traverse the corridor naked. Some really can walk on the eggshells without breaking them. Some leap from wall to wall, never touching the floor. Some cling to the roof beams. And

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1:07

A Jew walks into a bar…

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/23

I used to drink at a bar a lot. But I don't drink anymore, but I still went to the bar to have a soda now and then. Until I overheard the bartender telling a joke to a customer that began with Two Jews walk into a bar, and the bartender says I don't serve Jews. I left before the punchline, called the owner, and bought the place. The next day, I went back. "I've got a joke for you," I said. "One Jew walks into a bar. The one he bought overnight. And fired the bartender." That's a punchline!

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1:36

Sherman Antitrust Cat

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/22

I have one cat. I tried to get another cat, but my cat didn't like the other cat and drove it off. My cat has a monopoly on me. So, the government sued my cat under the Sherman Antitrust Act. Coincidentally enough, my cat's named Sherman. And he apparently used anti-competitive practices on other cats to have a monopoly on me. The driving off of other cats. My cat's lawyer negotiated a deal. So, the government is assigning my cat a cat-sitter. And three more cats are due to arrive within the week. I

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1:32

Bobbing for turds

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/21

Elections are pretty much a game of bobbing for turds now, aren't they? The only choice really left to the sane voter is to keep your head under water until the bubbles stop. We pay for a solid gold tub. We pay for the finest natural spring water. We give money for campaigns and voter awareness of the tub and water. And then they take a dump in it, tie our hands behind our backs, and say "PICK A WINNER!" Oh, and if you bite down on the wrong turd, you're a racist, sexist bigot. With shit in your

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10:35

Weekly Challenge #969 – Mind

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/17

LisaRichard Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is PICK TWO Scorpion, Walking on eggshells, Turn, High pitched, News, Craftsmanship RICHARD -- In the eye of the beholder -- "Well, really! Do you mind?" The exclamation caught me by surprise, I turned around, white stick exploring the floor between us. "Oh!" An embarrassed pause. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realise." I cocked my head slightly, "My apologies, I seem to have startled you, miss. Is there

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1:13

The other side

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/16

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side.The other side of what? The other side of The Force? Well, the good side of the force was in the Jedi Temple at Coruscant. There wasn't much grass on that planet. Nor was there much grass on Mustafar, Darth Vader's hideout. What about The Far Side? Gary Larsson drew it in black and white during the week, and only the Sunday editions were in color. It turns out, they were talking about that movie The Blind Side. Man, the grass at that rich

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1:49

The creepy dog

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/15

We have an awesome back yard and patio, but the neighbor's dog stares through the chain link fence.When it does this, it looks creepy and judgmental. So, we replaced the chain link fence with a solid wooden fence. The dog still finds a way to get up on the fence and stare at us. And it looks even creepier. No matter how high we build the fence, the dog still manages to get up there and stare at us. We moved to another neighborhood. No back yard. No patio. No fence. And, thankfully, no creepy dog

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1:17

Radial design

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/14

There's a difference between not liking a symbol and not liking the cause it represents.I find the Isle of Man flag to be ugly, with its radial and rotational symmetry of freaky feet. But as for the Isle of Man itself, I really don't know much about it, nor do I care to learn. Similarly, the Nazi flag also has rotational symmetry in the symbol. It's nasty. It's sharp. And the people who use it are awful people. I don't care if it's an inverted symbol for peace. So, Clarence, these cookies are

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1:34

Peppermint Flatty

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/13

All the way back to the third grade, Miss Othmar's class, you could see how Marcie would look at Peppermint Patty, calling her Sir.Kids would talk, do horrible things. You know how kids can be. Patty may have been a tough tomboy in grade school, but when she got to high school, she started to blossom. Marcie wasn't cool with this. Patty went on hormone blockers, had her breasts surgically removed. She was scheduled for the bottom surgery when she found Marcie making out with Charlie Brown under the

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1:16

The marketed moon

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/12

I'm a technical writer. But every now and then, I get asked to write marketing copy. I'm not a marketing writer. I'm a technical writer. My mindset is explaining things and teaching, not selling and promoting things. The marketing people say give it a try. So, I do. And it's awful. But we work on it together, and it comes out not half bad. We do this again and again, and I feel myself change. I fall to the floor, my body contorting. The marketers howl at the full moon. And I, the newest member of

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1:27

The day after

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/11

If The New Yorker weren't horribly biased, I'd imagine a cartoon where a reporter is poking her head into an editor's office and asking if President elect is one word, two words, or hyphenated, and you see through the glass that the editor has hung themselves. But The New Yorker is nowhere near that self-aware or capable of self-deprecation humor. Hubris is funny, until it happens to you and your narrow world-view. Besides, I'm sure some cartoonist has already tried to submit a cartoon like this. No

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17:20

Weekly Challenge #968 – Blood Test

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/10

Tangent Lisa Lizzie Richard Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Mind RICARD — Bloods — I swear that when you reach a certain age, it gives doctors a licence to prescribe a whole range of medicines they've been itching to give you for years. So they ask you to pop in for a blood test. A simple blood test. Nothing to worry about - just routine. Give us a call in a week and we'll have your results. Those results, once you reach that magic age, open the

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2:04

Delivery times

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/09

So, the US Postal Service can deliver hundreds of fliers, pamphlets, letters, campaign posters, and other junk mail from every candidate, PAC, voter's organization, and special interest, but they can't deliver my ballot on time? They claim it's because of systemic delivery delays. But if there's systemic delivery delays, why is every flier, pamphlet, letter, campaign poster, and other junk mail being delivered before Election Day? If there's delays, this crap would still be arriving after Election

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1:16

The lines at the parks

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/08

So, the pandemic closed all the theme parks and the movie theatres. People got laid off across the board. But mostly the hourly workers, the people who do their best to help you forget the world for a while. Waiters and waitresses, hotel staff, entertainers, shopkeepers. The executives, on the other hand, gave themselves raises and retention bonuses. All while begging for government bailouts. They put together their reports to give to the investors. All while the laid-off workers lined up at food

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1:23

Arlington’s toxic waste site

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/07

When the Union needed a place to bury all those dead soldiers during the Civil War, Lincoln had them commandeer Robert E. Lee's house and estate so the enemy general could never go home. Over the years, hundreds and thousands of soldiers and politicians and important people are buried there. And then there's the Kennedys. Three alcoholic, drug-addicted date-rapists and the money-grubbing socialite that was already halfway out the door when the bullet splattered her husband's brains across the

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1:20

Float on

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/06

Whoever shot Ben and threw his body into the canal, we'll never know. He fell with a splash. Ben floated downstream, and when he reached the High Bank Locks, the lockmaster took out Ben's wallet, charged Ben the toll, and allowed Ben to float further downstream. The lockmasters at Charm Fields, Fenton, and Greenmoor did the same. Ben had just enough to get him to the river, and tourists took photos of him as he passed through Port Burke. Eventually, the cops got involved. Fishing him out of the

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1:24

Show your ID

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/11/05

When Freddy bought cigarettes, he showed his ID. When Freddy bought some beer, he showed his ID. When Freddy used his credit card, he showed his ID. When Freddy picked up his prescription, he showed his ID. When Freddy checked in for a flight, he showed his ID. When Freddy was stopped for speeding, he showed his ID. When Freddy bought a gun, he showed his ID. When Freddy went to vote, he refused to show his ID. You know, because it's racist voter suppression by hateful Nazis. And then Freddy bought

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