PODCAST

Worthless Clowns

a podcast about how stupid we all are, hosted by NYC comedians Ali O"Neil & Brittany Cardwell

comedy

All Episodes

00:45:46

I DON'T UNDERSTAND CHOOSING THE CLARINET

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/11/12

Ali gets a black eye for her loud outfit, and loses her senior year talent show to a man playing Thrift Shop on the trombone. Brittany’s friend is convinced his girlfriend is cheating on him with a man that’s exactly like him. A woman has to take a mental health day after learning where chocolate milk really comes from. Memories of hating clarinets, men asking where North is, and the Apparently Kid. Get tickets to Brittany’s special taping Dec 3rd at The Gutter (Williamsburg) 8pm and 10pm:

00:55:24

PLAYING WITH HOTWHEELS THEN GETTING YOUR PERIOD

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/11/05

Ali’s dad takes it upon himself to protect the neighborhood from crime and steal his daughter’s jokes. Brittany’s indulging in sadness and shit talking herself for her womanhood. An outstanding hamster death story from a friend of the pod!! A boss forces his employee to show him his “droppings”. Memories of dogs in cones, Uncle Kracker, and moms in Facebook comments. Get tickets to Brittany’s special taping Dec 3rd at The Gutter (Williamsburg) 8pm and 10pm:

01:01:42

EATING GUACAMOLE WITH MY BUSH OUT w/Andrea Allan

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/10/29

We’re joined by special guest Andrea Allan (Respectfully pod)!! Andrea ask her crush to prom, gets rejected, then resorts to infiltrating his unconscious. Brittany thinks Comic-Con is Ramadan. Ali finally orders a wallet chain, and cries to her mom about smoking weed. Memories of makeshift bongs, rehearsing conversations with boys, and failing to get into a threesome. Follow Andrea @andreacomedy69, and check out her podcast, “Respectfully” with co-host and friend of the pod, Lizzy Cassidy! Get

00:56:45

TOO MANY PICTURES OF DOG BALLS

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/10/22

Brittany gets stuck in her lucid dreams, and gets scolded by a very disappointed man. Ali’s camera roll is full of dog pictures but not the kind you’d expect. This week, we read listener emails!: venmo scamming, getting directed from the pod to a help hotline, dogs discovering sex toys, and crazy run ins with ex high school teachers. Memories of Bush vs Gore, Phoenix sucking, and DOH violations. Plus, RAT NEWS! Get tickets to Brittany’s special taping Dec 3rd at The Gutter (Williamsburg) 8pm and

00:51:03

MEN HAVE THROWN CHAIRS AT HER: A MEMOIR

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/10/15

Brittany witnesses New York’s annual bird conference, and is super disappointed by a log simulation. Ali’s aunt’s dog murders an entire family of Guinea pigs. A woman severely misinterprets a compliment during a butt hair removal procedure. Memories of girl push ups, flying chairs, and deathclock.com For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

00:51:13

EVERY HAMSTER DIES THE WORST DEATH

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/10/08

Brittany’s convinced her head is filled with ear wigs. Ali learns to love her new vape, and accidentally goes extremist on the store attendant. TOP 10 MOST INTENSE HAMSTER DEATHS OF ALL TIME. Memories of learning how to wiggle your ears, PT Cruisers, and cute defective pets. GET TICKETS TO OUR SHOW THIS WEEK! MOTORCYCLE HORSE, Oct 10th 9pm at QED (Astoria), tickets at QEDastoria.com Ali, Brittany do half hours of standup, hosted by Ashlynn Salzano. For clips and pics, follow the pod

00:57:42

I'M FULL OF IDEAS ABOUT CRIMES

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/10/01

We accidentally plagiarize the Discovery Channel for 30 full minutes, and write a commercial for Ozempic. Brittany’s stuck in the gift cycle of abuse, and has a teen bird in her apartment. Ali thinks she’ll die washing her face in the shower, and meets a man who’s obsessed with IDs. A boyfriend is frustrated at his girlfriend’s continuous prank. Memories of puking sea cucumbers, otters in loving relationships, and an aggressive horse. GET TICKETS TO OUR UPCOMING SHOWS! MOTORCYCLE HORSE, Oct 10th

00:52:07

LIKE A CICADA I SHIT MY PANTS EVERY 10 YEARS, w/...

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/09/24

Special guest Courtney Maginnis (Comedy Central) joins us!! Courtney sh*ts her American Apparel leggings, more than once. Brittany gets accused of stealing spoons, Ali’s mom slams chicken soup into the toilet bowl, and a man loses his valuable collection of McChickens. Memories of losing cars, chaotic Thanksgivings, and imaginary gas leaks. Follow Courtney @courtmaginnis, her pod @iloveyoubutyourmusicsucks, and watch out for her special coming out soon! For clips and pics, follow the pod

00:55:25

IT'S SCAM AWARENESS WEEK

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/09/17

Brittany gets punched in the face by an automatic umbrella, can’t comprehend Wordle, and gets scammed BIG TIME. Ali gets reprimanded for listening to loud music by an old man she dated. Super religious parents are disappointed in their teens for making fake money off strippers in Grand Theft Auto. Memories of stupid goats, the Marx Brothers, and bad forms. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

00:47:10

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE WHO MAKE HORSES DANCE

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/09/10

Introducing a new segment: RAT NEWS!! Brittany thinks horses are afraid of heights, and accidentally feeds her best friend glass. Ali is in a 12 person van surrounded by drag queens. A boyfriend reprimands his girlfriend for giving thoughtful and practical gift. Memories of Snoop’s reaction to dressage, water fights, and huge women’s wallets. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want

00:54:30

IF I HAD A GUN I WOULDN'T BE WEARING SHOES AT HOME w/...

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/09/03

Blake Freeman joins us!! Blake’s weapon of choice for when the world ends are his very own shoes. Blake clogs a toilet, almost kills himself with a toothbrush, and embarrasses himself at an SNL party. Ali is in an all-women improv group that spends most of its time apologizing. Brittany can’t help imagining her death every time she steps into the shower.Follow Blake @blakefreeman! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneilRate the pod!! And

00:58:38

INTRODUCING HOTDOG.COM

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/08/27

We got caught in the rain and discover HOTDOG.COM!! Brittany’s dad gives her lifetime nightmares about gorilla masks and a man called WADADA. Everyone in Ali’s family has a theory about what sitting down to pee means. Memories of drunk Facebook albums, font emergencies, and brain cursors. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

00:55:20

MOMMY, I PISSED MY GOTH PANTS ON THE BUS

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/08/20

Ali chugs milk, falls over on the bus, and pees her little goth trip pants. Brittany’s on an extended date with a broccoli enthusiast who texts her way too much. A woman is ashamed of what’s behind her secret door. Memories of little lambs, exploding milk, and JD Vance’s affection for furniture. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

00:51:08

THESE FEET ARE DOING NOTHING FOR ME w/ Peter Wong

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/08/13

Peter Wong joins us!!! Peter accidentally convinces a man to drive hours to purchase concert tickets that don’t exist. We ignore our feelings so well that we could dismantle bombs as a career. A 30 year old camp counselor refuses to be corrected on his animal facts. Memories of burpee open mics, flag boys, and Brand New the band. Follow Peter @peterwongcomedy, and check out his special “Don’t Move” on YouTube! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and

00:55:44

I'M NOT THE GIRL WHO THREW UP ON THE PHONE, I'M A WOMAN

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/08/06

It’s a puke episode!! Brittany vomits on a phone in elementary school and that’s all her sk8erboi crush could remember about her. On an improv road trip, Ali’s stuck in a car with a bunch of puke-filled solo cups. A woman reads way too far into twin siblings who love each other. Memories of goofy drummers, dogs smiling too hard, and tiny baby pranks. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

00:55:40

FLOPPY AND BITABLE IN A FIGHT

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/07/30

Ali gets her dog’s DNA and discovers she’s 100% Frankenstein. She also discovers that her boyfriend is jealous of T-Pain. Brittany is learning her emotions from kids TV shows, and watching her uncle kill bees with a monster truck. A boyfriend is certain his girlfriend will never be a famous comedian. Memories of dads shooting chipmunks and finding quarters.For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

00:57:04

LITTLE MAN TRUMP'S HAUNTED RINGY EAR

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/07/23

Trump’s ear pain and his coder assassin’s trail of if-then-statements. Brittany’s dad stressing about all the ashes he has to spread. Ali has a bad bloody nose and won’t accept help from any man or boy. An unstable woman fears her stuffed animals aren’t getting enough attention from her boyfriend. Memories Burlington Coat Factory, the man, and Johnny Cakes, the tiger. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us

00:47:12

GETTING YOUR SH*T ROCKED BY THE OCEAN

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/07/16

Ali gets in trouble for freezing underwear, screams at a man for his love of movies, and gets beat up by the ocean. Brittany is fighting with her boyfriend about trebuchets and mercury. A man thinks he can eat 4 feet of a communal sandwich without anyone noticing. Memories of Kramer’s whale hole-in-one, T-Pain, and Jared’s big pants. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid

00:55:33

FALLING ASLEEP IN JURY DUTY w/ Gastor Almonte

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/07/09

Special guest, Gastor Almonte (Comedy Central) joins us! Gastor keeps falling asleep at jury duty, and needs therapy tools to talk about the Big Bang Theory. A man risks his relationship buying illegal yogurts on the dark web. Memories of Britt Junior, men who expect you to know flags, and standup shows so bad they make you want to get into coding. Follow Gastor @gastoralmonte, check out his show @theholbertreport and his pod @warreportpod For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns,

00:54:39

TESLAS ARE A FASCIST CAR FOR BABIES

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/07/02

Ali’s dad thinks the government controls his dishwasher, and a coworker makes fun of Ali’s mom for having two black eyes. Brittany’s brother saves her from a physical fight that broke out over the rules to a child’s game. A man gets publicly shamed by the TSA for not using a bin. Memories of rebranding weather events and Tesla door handle malfunctions.For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

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Worthless Clowns

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