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The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Laurence Simon

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1:59

The shoe chimes

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/09/28

I hung a set of wind chimes from a tree branch near my fence. I'd post a video of the wind chimes, but it's not all that windy. And even when it is, the wind never kicks up the sail so the clapper goes into the tubes. And the raindrops jostle the sail a little, but not enough for anything audible over the sound of the rain. Maybe I will throw a shoe at it? Will that make it a shoe chimes? The sail is below the fence line. I'd raise the wind chimes, but it would annoy the neighbors.

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1:31

Dig two graves

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/09/27

They say that when you seek revenge, dig two graves. Because most villains have an accomplice. Or, if they don't, there will probably be a witness when you get revenge. And you can't leave any witnesses. "I didn't see nothin'," says the witness. "I ain't telling nobody nothin'." Yeah, right. You know what's better? Make them dig their own graves. The worst that can happen is that they say no. But if they do dig their own graves, at least they save you the effort. Sure, you'll need two

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1:45

George in the life boat

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/09/07

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate.The other pirates were okay with this, and they picked up the slack. "We don't succeed or fail as individuals," said the captain. "We do everything as a team." So, when George accidentally fired a cannon into the hull and sank the ship, his crewmates didn't mind at all. "This is why we have the lifeboat," they said as they piled in. But when George tried to get in, they threw him overboard. "Not that we want to take chances," they said. He

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4:45

George and jury duty

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/09/06

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Pirate ships don't get regular mail service, but somehow George got a letter. "Jury duty," George growled. Three weeks later, George was taking off his boots and hat, and setting his swords into a plastic tub. "Are these real?" said the security guard. "The letter said business casual," said George, smiling. "Otherwise I'd have brought all my daggers and flintlocks." The guard looked at George's letter, entered a code in his terminal, and said

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2:45

Fearsome George

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/09/05

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Why? Because he had a lot of fear, and his therapist told him that he needed to face his fear. Joseph Campbell said that "In the deepest caves, we find our darkest fear." So, George looked for the deepest caves, and he found his darkest fear. He came across a massive underground auditorium. And he was asked to give a public speech. In only his underwear. "Oh my God," said George. "My darkest fear!" Oh, and there were spiders. Lots of

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1:33

George and the painting

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/09/04

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. After looking at a Paul Gauguin painting of naked Tahiti women doing various things, George took the title to heart and asked himself... "Where do we come from?" The ship. George came from the ship. "What are we?" We are pirates. We loot and steal and stuff. "Where are we going?" To a fence to sell this painting I'm about to steal. George took the painting off of the wall, rolled it up, and ran for the exit. The fence George found turned out to

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1:33

George and the X

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/09/03

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He walked along the beach, listening to the waves roll in. Where did he bury that treasure chest? Of course he'd marked the spot with an X. Every good pirate knows that. But every good pirate marks the spot with an X on a map. George had marked the spot with an X in the sand. Which, with the first high tide, the waves had washed away. George sat down and sighed. "This really sucks." He thought about eating lunch, but he'd left his lunch in the

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10:28

Weekly Challenge #958 – Unsafe

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/09/01

LizzieRichard Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Package LIZZIE It was dark. The swamp was weird. It bubbled, for some mysterious reason. And she had to step into it to prove herself, they said, to be part of the gang. The whole thing was pathetic, of course. But you'll only be cool at school if the cool kids accept you. So, the swamp it was. Good thing she had a flashlight. She pointed at the others just to make sure they were still there. And it

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1:16

Someone may have run a background check on you

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/31

It amuses me when I get Spam that says someone may have run a background check on me. Go ahead. Run a background check. You'll find the usual stuff: a decent education, a car note, and a good credit rating. And a rap sheet as long as your arm. Every line on it, a vicious assault on a spammer. No jury would convict me, because everyone's sick of spam. It's not hard to find the source of spam. I track it down, run my own check, and get an address. Then I get out my baseball bat and car keys.

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1:27

Helter Skelter

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/30

I knew a girl named Helter Skelter. I shit you not, it was her legal name. And not a joke name, picked out as an adult. And it certainly wasn't a stage name, like actors pick out when their legal name is already registered with the union. Or their birth name is something boring or strange, like John Wayne being Marion and Norma Jean becoming Marilyn Monroe. Was it her birth name? No. She was born Helter Smith. When her parents died in a car wreck, she was adopted by the Skelter family. And that's

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1:31

The stones speak

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/29

Eighty years ago, the Germans exterminated my village. Today, we dig up the streets and pull out the underpavement. It is made from the gravestones of my ancestors. The Germans had ordered the cemeteries to be destroyed. But now, we are reclaiming the stones. Buried under the streets. Pavestones for paths through the farms. Grinding stones for plows and knives. They all have writing on them. We wash the stones, and rub shaving cream on them. The white foam makes it easier to read the letters. Their

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1:16

Scammers

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/28

Almost twenty years ago, I got a support job at a webhosting company. We packed hundreds of online scammer accounts on cheap servers. Load averages were astronomical. The only true solution was to stop overloading the servers. But instead, we'd tell the caller that we were resetting the queue. Which did nothing. If they wanted to stay on the line, we'd thank them, put them on hold, and forget about them as we picked up the next call complaining about overloaded servers. I spent my time in between

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1:27

Baptism bungles

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/27

Dear Loyal Customer, We regret to inform you that the licensed mumbo-jumbo provider at your local eternal life exchange performed improper service maintenance for the past 20 years. New equipment and training have been dispatched. Please make an appointment with your nearest jiffy-prayer center to have the correct voodoo performed on your child, self, or parent. Sadly, should the recipient of incorrect service maintenance have expired, they're now in eternal damnation. Fill out the attached Form

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1:14

When people get old

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/26

When people get old and everyone around them has died, and even the ghosts stop coming around to haunt them, they get lonely, and they talk to the mailman or the gas meter reader or the guy at the meat counter. Or 911. "What's your emergency?" "Everyone I know is dead." If it's not a busy day, the operator talks to them. And if it is, they take down their number, call them back. Some say they drank something. Others burn things in the kitchen. So we hire them to take calls. The hard part is keeping

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11:55

Weekly Challenge #957 – PICK TWO Role model, Beep,...

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/25

RichardSerendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Unsafe TOM Commissar’s Choice It was the heady days after the revolution. All traditional preforming arts were deemed counter-revolutionary. No more Swan Lake. No more Nutcracker. Into that vacuum strove Yuri Petrova. His first offering was the blindly a vanguard work Beep Ballet. It opened in Moscow to less then glowing approval from the Commissar of Arts, all the same he deemed it a superior work for the working

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1:19

Ghost guns

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/24

When Bob saw the gun buyback program, Bob saw an opportunity. He priced out a room full of cheap used 3D printers and buckets of manufacturing resin. Then he bought plans for a simple "ghost gun" and set the printers to rendering them around the clock. On the last day of the buyback program, Bob showed up with a van full of the cheap printed guns. The chief of police said "No way. Ghost guns don't count." So, Bob pulled out a ghost gun from his pocket and shot the guy. "Does that feel like it

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1:32

Packing the court

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/24

After years of contention, Congress passed legislation to expand the size of the Supreme Court and the president signed it. The Court immediately tried to review the law and declare it unconstitutional. But the House filled the airwaves with meaningless impeachment hearings, and Senate and President ignored the Supreme Court, nominating Associate Justices and holding confirmation hearings. The opposition party protested the move, doing all they could to disrupt the meetings and votes. When the new

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1:34

The hangings

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/23

We went to the town square for the public hangings. By the time we got there, the crowd was shouting DEATH DEATH DEATH! Three hooded and jumpsuited figures were on the platform, ropes around their necks and tied to a bar. Nobody knew who they were. Or what they had done. A solder walked up a set of stairs to the platform, and shoved each figure forward, and they fell, and the ropes went taut. One of them kicked for a minute, then went still. Shit ran down from each of their pant cuffs to the

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1:25

I won’t see you in Hell

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/22

Victor St. Vincent, my nemesis. Before I stomped on his hands and let him fall from the bridge to his death, he said: "I'll see you in Hell!" But now that I'm in Hell, I haven't seen Victor. I've seen Stalin and Hitler. I've also seen Gandhi. It's the shit they don't tell you in school, the stuff with his nieces, that did him in. And me, I did worse things. So much worse. Victor, well, he was a pretty decent guy. Which is why he kept trying to stop me. Hey, did he end up in the other place?

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2:28

Possums

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/08/21

The thing I like most about working from home is being able to look out the window and watch the possums wander around. Sure, my work office had a nice wide window, but the odds of possums wandering around outside 8 floors up are rather slim. And any circumstances that would lead to possums outside that work window aren't good, ranging from hallucinations to some sort of "possum hurling" criminal on the loose. Or someone dropping possums from the roof. I think of these things when I'm at home. But

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