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The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Laurence Simon

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1:17

When the man loses his shit

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/16

The report says that halfway through the flight, a guy in first class loses his shit. He's a science teacher, and the pull tab on his soda can uses a second class lever. "I thought this was first class!" he shouts. "I want a first class lever! Effort, Fulcrum, Weight! " He starts hitting the flight attendant with a pillow. "Stop!" she shouts. "That's also a second-class lever!" And he stops long enough for the marshal to knock him out. How a science teacher affords first class, I dunno. And how a

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1:13

Out of the house for a while

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/15

Sure, I could watch baseball at home, but there's nothing like going to the park. It gets me out of the house for a while. It's amazing how things have gone from paper tickets to a code on your cell phone. The apps do everything... tickets, ordering food. I noticed a beta feature on the app that says BALL. When I tapped it, sure enough, a ball was hit right at me. Knocking me out cold. I woke up in the hospital. I'll be here for a few days. But at least I'm out of the house for a while.

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1:15

Adding up a revenge fantasy

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/14

When I ask Siri to do advanced math calculations, I think fondly of every math teacher telling me "You won't always have a calculator." Well, I did then, and I do now. I didn't always have batteries, but when I got a solar calculator, I didn't need them. And then I imagine the math teachers in Hell, having a hundred calculators jammed into every orifice of their body. Over and over. Oh, and slide rules, too. Can't forget slide rules. Sodomize those bastards with them. What about abacuses? Not as

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1:22

Thank the bishop

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/13

Back in the old days, there was a game called Wizardry. It was like Dungeons and Dragons with wizards, fighters, thieves, and clerics. There were also bishops who could identify items that you could sell to the store. Pretty useless otherwise. I'd leave them before. Clerics were good for two things: healing combat characters and raising them from the dead. Much cheaper than raising them in the town's chapel. If your entire party died, well, you had to send someone down to fetch their bodies. Just

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1:20

Let slip

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/12

Before they were the dogs of war that warmongers would let slip, they were the puppies of war. Breeders picked from the best lines of dogs of war to produce them, breeding for the best attributes of war. Showing off their selections at dogs of war shows, working out deals with other breeders to reinforce bloodlines. Feeding them puppies of war chow to help them grow big and strong and healthy. Training them to be obedient, as long as they remain on the leash. But when let slip, all chaos

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12:15

Weekly Challenge #933 – You’ll never believe

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/10

LisaLizzie Richard Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Register LISA Revelation Another day brings with it another newspaper. “You’ll never believe it – there’s a serial killer out there.” She turns the page to show two familiar faces from the police evidence board. The girls the police found murdered before I was taken. I survey the room awaiting the recognition and inevitable horror. There’s nothing. “Don’t you recognise them?” I ask

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1:23

The dangers of teaching danger

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/10

Every company, junk food and fast food, sends out their mascots to schools. Today, it's the clown in yellow, red, and white. the one from the burger place. He's at the school to teach the kids about nutrition and exercise. Leading them through games and songs and dances. The pudgy kids stumbling, falling, and wheezing. Tomorrow, it'll be the old man in the white suit, the one from the chicken place. With more games and songs and dances. And when the fun is over, the kids go home, and they scream for

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1:14

Neutral

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/09

The Swiss claim to be neutral. A permanent mountainous buffer between France and Austria. They refuse to join any defense pacts. They refuse to join any economic treaties. Or allow attacks to be launched from their territory in their conflict. However, they're more than happy to lecture others from on high on how to conduct war and human rights. While manufacturing and selling weapons to everyone. (Until war breaks out) Filling their banks with the gold and assets of the world's leaders. Expensive

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1:03

Ingrown

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/08

If you use a razor, you'll give yourself nicks and cuts. But if you use an electric shaver or trimmer, you'll end up causing more than a few ingrown hairs. The closer you shave, the more ingrown hairs happen. Some become inflamed and messy. Squeezing them out, cleaning them up, patting on the astringent. Again. And again. And again. I don't know which is messier, the razor or the shaver. As I get older and my hands shakier, I cut myself more. Before I wash the blood from my face, the cat jumps on

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1:09

Tracking medicine

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/07

Everything was clipboards and paper and charts, and it was so easy to lose information. Patients would get the wrong food or medications, and it was more paperwork for us. We switched to iPads, and the errors decreased a lot. Putting barcodes on wristbands made it even easier to track patients and their needs. We tried giving them a pill with an RFID tag in it so they'd automatically sync up with our pads, but the metal was enough to cause problems in the MRI machine. The pill would come out like a

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1:51

Influencers

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/06

The company built a fancy resort hotel and then gave away rooms to dozens of social media influencers. "Tell the world what you honestly think," the company said. So, they did. They said it was fancy, an experience of a lifetime. The food, the rooms, the service, the pool... everything was simply the best. Their blog posts and instagrams and youtube videos gushed hyperbolic praise and joy. Their posts filled up with nasty comments, wanting to know if they'd had gone and been so happy if they had to

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1:04

Bumperstickers

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/05

I don't go for cause bumperstickers. There's only one on my car, which I rarely drive, and it's a clearish Debauche sticker. Right side of the rear bumper. Nobody will get the joke, and I don't care if they do. You see those cars out there, plastered with stickers, and they look like crap. As if the bumpsterstickers are holding the damn thing together. I'd rather not be a lending library or road hazard with all that writing. Provide your own damn entertainment. The only thing I care about people

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1:16

An apple a day

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/04

In school, there was always that one kid who'd bring the teacher apples. That kid was me. "Thank you," the teacher would say. And she'd eat the apple. "Delicious." I was a smart kid, and I got good grades on my own. But I'm sure the apples helped. Until one day I got a bad grade for something. That's when I mentioned that the first apple had poison in it. "And the other apples have a temporary antidote." From then on, I got good grades. And the teacher got the full antidote on the last day of

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11:56

Weekly Challenge #932 – Across

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/03

LisaLizzie Richard Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is You'll never believe LISA He brought us today’s newspaper! Finding out that it’s March makes my tummy lurch. It feels odd reading and finding out that life has just gone on without us. But, it seems it has. I’m almost disappointed that we’re not spoken about on every page. There’s actually nothing about any of us. The headlines are full of a missing boy. A boy: from across the river. I scour

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1:06

Important day

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/02

Today is an important day. I wrote IMPORTANT on the calendar. But I don't remember why it is important. I looked through my mail and my notes, but there's nothing telling me what's so important today. I haven't gotten any phone calls or emails or other messages about today. I've asked everybody I know, but they have nothing... they need nothing from me, so it's not something important I have to do for them. So, I'll just stop worrying and go through my day. And if anything comes up tomorrow, or

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1:15

100 pegs

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/03/01

One hundred pegs along the wall of the cliffside monastery. A brown robe hanging from each. The monks had hung their robes on the pegs, filed out of the dormitory, and out the front gate. Lining up at the edge of the cliff, one by one, the naked men leapt to their deaths. Later that evening, one hundred naked men arrived at the gate. They walked into the dormitory, picked out a robe, and put it on. The new monks of the monastery. Saying prayers together, praising their creator. Until it was time for

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1:09

Sarah doesn’t have

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/02/29

Sarah doesn't have nightmares. She doesn't need them. She just remembers everything bad that's ever happened to her. And that's a lot of bad things. Horrible things. Terrifying things. When she wakes up, she writes down all the memories. After a cup of coffee and a bowl of yogurt, she looks over her notes, and begins to write. At the end of the day, she sends her writing to her editor. Dinner, walking in the evening light, a shower, and off to bed. For more memories to harvest. And turn into

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1:16

Campaign season

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/02/28

As November rolls around again, it's the return of campaign season. The ads and social networks are a cesspool of delusion and madness. I can avoid them as best I can. But my phone? BING! BING! BING! You're not campaign volunteers. You're goddamned parasites. I turned off text alerts and vibration last week. When do I look at my phone, I Report Junk on every campaign text. And then go back to what I was doing. I'll turn it back on when this year's shitshow ends, the credits roll, and the pundits

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1:17

The fourth of July

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/02/27

Every year, Nathan's Famous sets up the tables and chairs for the contestants. Trays of hot dogs and buns, and pitchers of water. The crowd gathers, the contestants take their seats, and the judges set out the trays. The crowd counts down from ten... nine... eight... When they get to zero, the contestants peel out the hot dogs, swallow them, then dunk the buns in the pitchers and swallow the buns. The judges keep tally... ten... twenty... thirty... Some contestants stop... others vomit... but a few

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1:18

The crawl of fame

The 100 Word Stories Podcast ·

2024/02/26

The walk of fame is just a bunch of names on plaques in a sleazy part of Los Angeles. Weirdos in costumes harass the tourists, and pickpockets steal whatever they can get their hands on. Or you get mugged and robbed and you're crawling on the ground asking for help. It's the walk of fame, not the crawl of fame, loser. Show some dignity. Get the fuck up. This is Hollywood, dammit. And stop bleeding on Charleton Heston. Well, his star... not the actual man. I can take your picture with it for five

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