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PODCAST

When the Flames Go Up

Magda Pecsenye and Doug French

After we divorced, we started a blog about co-parenting to learn how to work together until our kids were grown. And now that they are, and the world is so busy disrupting and disavowing what we thought we were working for, we"re looking to our community to help us all keep up. whentheflamesgoup.substack.com

society & culture parenting

All Episodes

65:22

Episode 15: "I remember going to the newsroom, and it...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/09/06

There’s a whole cohort of full-fledged, 21-year-old adults—including many of our generation’s children—who were born after 9/11. And when you talk to them about that day, they can’t grasp how little we knew as it was happening, because somehow we existed at a time without a constant barrage of news alerts.Two months after the attacks, then-CNN producer Alex Walker wrote this piece about his experience at Ground Zero, as crews sifted through the still-smoldering remains. His attention to the emotion

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16:46

Monday Check-In: "OFIM"

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/09/04

We were predictably discombobulated to have a Monday Check-In on a day that doesn’t feel like a Monday. Magda genuinely thought today was Sunday Again, which would be a watershed moment toward establishing a four-day work week and pumping the brakes on this country’s untenable workaholism. Labor Day is not for laboring, dammit!Thanks for listening to When the Flames Go Up! Please consider a paid subscription to support our work—and our controversial stance against murder.We should warn you that we

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71:19

Episode 14: "Am I being extra stupid right now?"

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/08/30

Perhaps unsurprisingly, our conversation with our first Canadian guest began with a lot of head scratching over American “healthcare.” But Stewart Reynolds — a.k.a. — doesn’t fluster easily, having embraced the “freedom and absolute terror” of supporting his family as an online creative since he began from literally nothing ten years ago.That’s how he manages to pack his videos, his Substack , and his new book, “Welcome to the Stupidpocalypse: Survival Tips for the Dumbageddon” with a reassuring

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14:11

Monday Check-In: "Sometimes, it's just chaos."

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/08/28

Welcome to our first Monday Check-In that’s actually a check-in! Magda has made it to Massachusetts after 12 hours with a cat who refused to succumb to gabapentin and peep-whined all along the New York Thruway, where there are fewer functioning toilets than usual.Thanks for listening to When the Flames Go Up! Subscribe for free to receive our three posts per week and support our cat pictures.The chaos our family paddled through over the past week may have been inflicted by Mercury in retrograde, or

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12:54

Monday Check-In: "Crowds, heat, and enforced...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/08/21

It’s our last check-in while living in the same state, and our son has marked the occasion by buying a purple truck. Friends have suggested names including Hendrix, Darling Nikki, and Professor Plum, but he’ll need some time behind the wheel before the final decision is made.Thanks for listening to When the Flames Go Up! This post is public, so please tell the world about our son’s new wheels.We’re very happy the family is all together before all the big adventures to come during our off week. In

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59:01

Episode 13: “It's hard to lie to the person who...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/08/16

“If you’ve seen one person with dementia, you’ve seen one person with dementia.” Emily Gavin is an occupational therapist who has counseled caregivers of people living with dementia since 2012. There are over 100 different diagnoses of dementia, which affects over 55 million people worldwide, and each case is different—as the 11 million unpaid caregivers in the U.S. alone find out every day. So Emily’s primary recommendations for caregivers are to make peace with how little control you have, and to

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15:58

Monday Check-In: "I have a confession ..."

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/08/14

These are heady times for the two households, as Magda readies for her big move by attempting to order the drifts of her personal debris, and Doug is effecting his own personal reset by staging a Sympathy Move. So, naturally, we talk about our stuff—how much we’ve amassed, how little we need, and how things go missing, either when they’re lost in transit—or when they are not. (Cue suspenseful music.)Join us as we discuss when Magda’s schemes and work ethic are sometimes at odds, whether Doug is

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62:58

Episode 12: "What can faith look like that is both...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/08/09

Pastor Emily Swan comes from Low Church. She doesn’t disrespect the “smells and bells,” but she sees more value in building an accessible, judgment-free community while preaching in jeans and Birkenstocks. She also knows the dangers of imposed uniformity of thought, having been fired from her previous pulpit for being gay.As the face of Blue Ocean Church, Emily uses her training as a history professor to assess religion through a centuries-long lens, and to establish how religious teachings remain

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21:29

Welcome to the Monday Check-In!

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/08/08

After we’ve lived in proximity since 1996, Magda is moving 12 hours away at the end of the month. So we’ve decided to set up a weekly check-in for 10-15 (ok, 20) minutes every Monday, just to talk business, compare notes on the boys, and just bounce ideas off each other like we’ve done basically since Clinton was president.And thanks to modern technology, you have a front-row seat to witness just how discursive these conversations are! This week, for example, we wonder why people fetishize coffee,

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65:45

Episode 11: "Wisdom is knowing how much you don't know."

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/08/03

If you’re a certain age and have the motive and opportunity for a life change but aren’t sure where and how to jump, Ann Imig has studied some data-driven techniques for getting unstuck. After careers in theater, writing, and ad sales led her to create Listen To Your Mother, Ann finally realized a long-held desire, marshaled her diverse skill set and MSW degree, and became a career and life coach.Ann’s main takeaway as the youngest child in a multiple-marriage, “nutso family system” is that she had

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67:04

Episode 10: "There is agency in all the moments."

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/07/27

Whether she’s evaluating her emotional state or her career path, thrives on data. And soon after her 31st birthday, the data told her something needed to change. She had just had her first child, her dad was dying, and her work as a music and brain scientist was exhausting and lacked fulfillment. So she decided to upend three decades as “a good Asian who didn’t make noise” and pursued her many talents as a writer, podcaster, and digital consultant. As the daughter of Korean immigrants in a very

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62:21

Episode 9: "I don't know what my brain's going to do."

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/07/19

Last Labor Day Weekend, the car Jodie Ousley was riding in was rear-ended by another doing 120mph. Her car flipped eight or nine times across the highway, and Jodie, riding in “the death seat,” sustained catastrophic injuries from noggin to kneecap. (Note to the squeamish: Don’t do a web search for “degloving.”)She scoffed a bit when doctors told her it would be at least a year before she felt even close to normal, but she’s not scoffing now. Recovery from a brain bleed requires just about every

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102:32

Episode 8: "No one prepares you for this level of ......

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/07/13

This week, Episode 8 drops a little later in the day. But it’s worth it, because this is our first Extended-Cut episode, featuring over 45 minutes of bonus dialogue! We laughed so much with Tiffany and “R.B.” that there were too many great moments to choose from. So we said, “the hell with it!” and left them all in.We also needed the extra length to cover the extraordinary scope of their story. Tiffany’s dad was a vital, doting 73-year-old when a sudden illness left him unable to do much of anything

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61:39

Episode 7: "Hit the pause button on the Shoulds."

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/06/28

As director of the University Center for Child and Family, Dr. Erin Hunter provides and oversees clinical mental health services for many teens and young adults who are poised on the launch pad but can’t seem to lift off. The phenomenon had been accelerating for the last 15-20 years, spurred by stagnant wages, dwindling prospects, moving targets, academic pressures, and wobbly social contracts.Then the pandemic came along and knocked everyone off balance.At a time when a young adult’s opportunities

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63:20

Episode 6: "There is no 'being' a grownup. There is...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/06/21

is one of those special OG blogger friends who went on to provide real-life support in both of our real-life lives. You can tell from her writing that she has one of those minds you can trust your troubles to.That community-building mind created Parent Hacks and co-created the Edit Your Life podcast with, and her third act is , a Substack newsletter about missing her adult children, fulfilling bucket-list plans with her husband, and making the most of the time she and her mom have left

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50:21

Episode 5: "Children might not have a vote, but they...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/06/14

John Amuso, Esq. has never appeared on a podcast before. He has zero interest in social media, and his website sits in a remote corner of the Internet like an old Ford with possums living in it.Basically, he’s not much of a promoter. Because he doesn’t need to be.John is an in-demand family lawyer in New York State’s Attorneys For Children program, representing kids in matters of post-divorce custody and visitation, neglect and abuse, truancy, and all-around incorrigibility. He also helps provide a

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62:49

Episode 4: "Investment banks with a small school...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/06/07

Akil Bello us the Senior Director of Advocacy at The National Center for Fair & Open Testing (Fairtest), which advances quality education and equal opportunity by promoting fair, open, valid and educationally beneficial evaluations of students, teachers and schools. It’s the perfect job for a man who has been calling out myths, socioeconomic bias, and overall shenanigans in college prep for 30 years. One pervasive myth is the inflated value of a “dream school,” whose popularity results largely from

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52:53

Episode 3: "I have to find compassion in order to do...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/05/24

Our guest Jessica, who was elected to her local school board in 2020, has strong feelings about gender-affirming care for kids—and not just because she had to travel over 300 miles to find the care her trans-masculine child needed.Her research, which dates back to the mid-90s, shows that gender-affirming care improves the mental health of the estimated 300,000 transgender and nonbinary teenagers, who otherwise would have greater risk for depression, substance abuse, and suicide.She offers some

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57:34

Episode 2: “Parenting is the most triggering work you...

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/05/17

Anxiety sucks. You can’t tell why it affects some brains and not others. Talking about it—often in the context of a “mental health crisis”—often makes it worse. It makes you wonder if you’re a bad parent.And it’s not even a new phenomenon. The CDC reports that persistent feelings of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness among young people increased by about 40% in the 10 years before the pandemic.Thanks for reading When the Flames Go Up! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my

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30:29

Episode 1: Why isn't there any There here?

When the Flames Go Up ·

2023/05/10

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit whentheflamesgoup.substack.com

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