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PODCAST

Stay Soft, Stay Open

A podcast about vulnerability, courage, and creativity. I"m your host, Jieun Ko. staysoftstayopen.substack.com

arts mental health

All Episodes

00:21:39

Gajok, Ep. #180: August 15, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/17

We moved our bed, made a mess in our living room and hallway, and figured out where we're going to put a crib for the newest member of our family! Taking this baby arrival one step at a time has made the reality of having a child less daunting. I feel like we'll be able to do it. We'll figure it out. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

en

00:16:41

Gajok, Ep. #179: August 14, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/14

I started an Asian American neighborhood moms group! We met for the first time last week, and it was exactly what I needed. I'm proud of myself for creating the community that I need, and providing that space for others. This group reminded me a lot of my grief group. After meeting with the four women who attended last week, I felt like I went from a lifeboat to a ship. I think this group is going to be a crucial lifeline in this next leg of my life journey: motherhood. Support our Podcast and

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00:19:21

Gajok, Ep. #178: August 13, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/14

Two words: lightning crotch. This term is an understatement of the experience. We, as a society, need to do a better job of educating our children on sex and mental health. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

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00:14:56

Gajok, Ep. #177: August 12, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/13

I *almost* forgot to record a podcast episode again! But at 11:43 pm, I busted out the recording gear and recorded an episode, live from my bed. 엄마 left New York for Virginia yesterday. She took the bus back, which was weird because she's never done it before. She took the bus up here, too, but Greg picked her up by himself, so I didn't get to actually see her getting on or off a bus. It was hard to say goodbye. It was nice having her here to take care of me, Greg, Gamja, and the little

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00:15:49

Gajok, Ep. #176: August 9, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/10

My 할아버지 played 화투 with the monks that lived near his home in Seoul. I played 화투 tonight at Sonbul in Bedstuy with my Korean American friends.Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

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00:19:21

Gajok, Ep. #175: August 7 + 8, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/09

I forgot to record yesterday's episode! I give myself permission to have forgotten yesterday. I think I forgot because I woke up at 3:30 am and my brain was not functioning properly. I have a list of tried and true things that I do when I'm really struggling. Today ended as a hard day. Having Complex-PTSD feels like all the cards are flipping over, all the dominos are falling down, and the table is being flipped upside-down. My Complex-PTSD inner voice gets really loud, really critical,

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00:21:15

Gajok, Ep. #174: August 6, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/06

When we acknowledge and voice our fears, we're able to move through them. When we move through them, we can create space for hope. The fears are still there, but we can hold hope without it feeling like a lie. Improving the moment, beautifying my space, going outside, going on walks, journaling, going to a coffee shop, sticking to a routine, cleaning and organizing my home. These are some of the things I like to do when I'm feeling overwhelmed and powerless. They give me my power

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00:11:18

Gajok, Ep. #173: August 5, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/06

The third trimester is kicking my ass. It's definitely the hardest one out of the three, and it's unfortunately coming with a lot of anticipatory grief. 아빠 should be here and he's not. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

en

00:17:29

Gajok, Ep. #172: August 2, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/02

It was 92 degrees today. Being pregnant in this kind of heat is insanity. I really struggle with receiving help. Subconsciously, giving help feels safer to me because I feel like I'm in control, but it also leads me to feeling a ton of resentment. I often give until I'm giving out of an empty well. It's something I'm working on. I'm scared of giving birth. I also accidentally drank moldy almond milk today because the cap was busted and we didn't know it. Greg emailed a

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00:15:11

Gajok, Ep. #171: August 1, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/01

I can't believe it's August. I could give birth this month or next month. We are in the final stretch of this 280-day marathon. In January, I could barely imagine making it to this point, and now, somehow, I'm here. I'm both ready to give birth to this kid already, and I'm simultaneously absolutely not ready.Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

en

00:15:21

Gajok, Ep. #170: July 31, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/08/01

This is the first month where we aren't recording and releasing a song. While I'm bummed about it, I'm also proud of myself for not prioritizing my ambitions over my needs. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

en

00:14:13

Gajok, Ep. #169: July 30, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/31

I went to Asian American Arts Alliance's July Town Hall. I walked there, with a 30-pound watermelon attached to my stomach aka a growing human being, and it was really hard, but walking makes me feel like myself. I love how walkable New York City is. I love being a part of the Asian American arts community. Sometimes, I need a reminder that creating art matters. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

en

00:26:05

Gajok, Ep. #168: July 29, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/30

I'm 33 weeks pregnant, which means I only have 7 weeks left of this pregnancy. We are fully freaking out over here! Greg and I took a pregnancy class on Saturday, and in the middle of class, a woman found out that her water was breaking. It had actually started breaking since the day before. It wasn't like the movies, but it was still an insane thing to be a part of. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

en

00:21:01

Gajok, Ep. #167: July 26, 2024 — 10-Month Anniversary...

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/27

My mom took the bus by herself to New York from Virginia yesterday. It's the first time she's been back here since February. Today is the 10-month anniversary of 아빠's death. We didn't have time to go to 한아름 (H-Mart) today because I had my 32-week prenatal appointment and my mom just got here. I was weeping while talking to Greg in a Starbucks today before my appointment, reflecting on my mom being here with us. My tears surprised me — I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was by her

en

00:22:38

Gajok, Ep. #166: July 25, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/26

I had my 32-week growth ultrasound appointment today and everything looks good. I'll be going back at 36 weeks because, for women who are Advanced Maternal Age (35 years old and up), we are advised to get scans every week, starting at 36 weeks. We are truly in the final weeks of this pregnancy, and I've been desperately waiting for these weeks since Week 1. But now that I'm here, I'm scared! Pain is an inevitable part of this experience, but I think it's kind of crazy that women

en

00:22:35

Gajok, Ep. #165: July 24, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/25

If no one ever goes to an oral surgeon asking for no anesthesia to get a root canal or a dental implant, why do we have the option to have an unmedicated birth? Pregnancy is pain. Labor is pain. Postpartum is pain. Breastfeeding is pain. If we can reduce our pain during childbirth with medication, we as women deserve it. I don't want to feel the ring of fire. I don't want to feel the full circumference of my child's head crowning out of my vagina. Girls and women deal with more than

en

00:15:52

Gajok, Ep. #164: July 23, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/24

Pregnancy is fucking hard. My fingers are numb. Everything is swollen. My stomach is absolutely massive. I'm giving birth sometime between the next 5 weeks and 8 weeks. I don't think I'll miss being pregnant, but maybe I will? I don't think I'll miss having a pregnant stomach, but maybe I will? I feel like I'm flying down a mountain at top speed right now. We're going to have a child in less than two months.Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member:

en

00:21:07

Gajok, Ep. #162: July 22, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/23

Our trip to Virginia was so exhausting, and the drive back was also extremely exhausting. I feel so relieved that I had a much-needed conversation with my mom, and that that conversation went as well as it could have gone. It went far better than I had expected. It will take time to heal, but we're making progress, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. It took us 7 hours to get back to New York from Virginia yesterday — the drive usually takes us, at most, 5.5 hours. Trying to find things to

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00:08:56

Gajok, Ep. #161: July 19, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/20

This episode is about how proud I am of myself for seeing my mom for the first time in five months, for setting very firm boundaries with her, and having a very difficult, and healing, conversation with her today.

en

00:15:27

Gajok, Ep. #160: July 18, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/19

This episode is about going to Virginia for the first time since December, seeing and speaking to my mom for the first time since February, and all of the grief that is coming up for me. Greg and I drove down today, and we’re currently staying at my cousin’s house in Maryland.

en

241 results

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