PODCAST

Worthless Clowns

a podcast about how stupid we all are, hosted by NYC comedians Ali O"Neil & Brittany Cardwell

comedy

All Episodes

00:57:37

HOW TO SECRETLY BAPTIZE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/06/25

A man dies in an explosion and leaves Ali’s family with a cursed pack of cigarettes. Two-year old Brittany gets accused of being a manipulative, toxic, scheming b****. A woman offends her wedding guests by seating them according to Harry Potter houses. A punk hates his father for mistaking a lizard for a salamander. Memories of Coke for men, slappy sticky hands, and dads saying “YouTube”. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate

00:55:54

I COULDN'T DO TO WOMEN WHAT I DO TO MEN w/ Christiana...

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/06/18

Christiana Jackson (Cashcab) joins us!! Christiana is at war with a colony of ants, her h-cups, and men who are short and want to charge their e-bikes at her place. Brittany goes on a date with a science fair adult whose best story is about some small font. Memories of making friends though rat kings and fights at Popeyes. Follow Christiana @incomparablemsc For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

00:53:11

I'M SWEATY IN MY ARMPITS, AT LEAST

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/06/11

AI writes Brittany and Ali a killer bit about stinky airpots, and the perfect breakup text. Brittany gets caught drinking in high school and thinks it means she’ll never go to college or have a lawn. Ali’s at-home medical remedy makes every one of her body parts smell like garlic. A man ruins his marriage with baby-talk.For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the

00:57:26

ESCAPING THE ROOM OF UNCONSCIOUS

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/06/04

We meet a magical little seahorse boy at the Indianapolis zoo! Ali silently pisses herself at a man’s place, then hides it by undressing. Brittany lets everyone down in grad school by repeatedly messing up her dataset and is still recovering from it. A woman fears that her boyfriend worships his baby ducks. Memories of Kid Rock shooting beers, Mike Tyson messing up lines, and the smell of urine cakes. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali

00:59:58

PUT YOUR SIN SHOES BACK ON w/ Kevin Casey White

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/05/28

Kevin Casey White (Close Calls podcast) is here!!! Kevin goes on Romania’s Got Talent, and bombs with “my wife” jokes and a catchphrase about cabbage. Ali’s got her sin shoes on and Brittany’s reprimanded for roasting boys who love ponies. Memories of dissociating on stage, aging out of haircuts, and Hamburger Jones. Follow Kevin @kevincaseywhite and check out his special Harangue on YouTube! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali

00:53:46

THE IDEA SLAPPED MY MIND

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/05/21

Ali convinces classmates that she’s actually a cat who pees in litter boxes. Brittany’s new favorite movie is a gut microbiome documentary. A man tries to impress his girlfriend’s family by acting as though he has no idea what a potato is. Memories of Taco Bell the lizard, Sofa Kingdom, and pretending to fight. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email

00:51:25

I GOT AN UGLY MUG AND SH*T EYES

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/05/13

Brittany goes on a date with a pick up artist, and makes an enemy by showing a man some empathy. Ali’s takes a bunch of adderall to prove herself to her doctors, and gets spied on by her mom in a dream. A wife tries to fix her failing marriage by giving her husband a glow up. Memories of picking at skin, attractive elk, and intrusive thoughts. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want

00:57:04

THE LAST CLEAN B*TCH ON THIS PODCAST w/ Caitlin Peluffo

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/05/07

Caitlin Peluffo (Comedy Central) is on!! Caitlin loses hundreds of dollars in a bathroom and her dignity right outside of her apartment. We find out who thinks it’s OK to pee in the shower. A man divides his religious family by naming his dog Lucifer. Memories of mean soccer girls, blessing animals, and Brittany’s dad’s toilet. Follow Caitlin @caitlinpeluffo and check out her special “Dirty Bird.” For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali

00:54:13

ARE PEOPLE STILL DOING SIMPSON'S P*RN?

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/04/30

Brittany gets Ali to believe some dogs have jobs as earthquake detectors. Ali bombs talking dirty in front of her college improv team, and Brittany accidentally wears a necklace that says “skeet skeet.” A mother and daughter's relationship crumbles over a colorful magnet. Memories of Simpsons porn (again!), dads naming clouds, and crying at the vet. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

00:49:19

SHITTING IS THE OPPOSITE OF STANDING

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/04/23

Brittany’s mad about her credit score, a chess game, and a man she never had any interest in at all. Ali discovers a real life motorcycle horse! A man pauses his sled race to kill and gut a moose, in accordance with the rules. Memories of bad animal drawings, exaggerated theatre bios, and (not) Noam Chomsky. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us

00:53:17

MY VIRGINITY IS PRISTINE LIKE A LAKE

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/04/16

Brittany learns to drink again and Ali realizes the opposite of a cat is a nuke. Brittany dumps her middle school bad-boy boyfriend after he gives her a gift that is too thoughtful. A ghost haunts Ali for hooking up in every cemetery in her home town. A listener goes to the wrong family party, stays to finish her chicken after finding out, and upsets her boyfriend’s parents. Memories of spelling bee kids, Valentines day, and big loogies. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns,

01:01:07

I LOVE MY COUNTRY AND I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE w/...

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/04/09

We’ve got a very special guest!! Casey James Salengo (Comedy Central)! Casey loses his car, falls asleep in a wet field at prom, and spreads huge rumors about Serena Williams. Ali crushes on wrestling star Rhea Ripley, and Brittany accidentally defends Louie CK in a dream. A friendship sours after a man runs a record mile by using a treadmill inappropriately. Memories of old people barely knowing how to use the internet & Bowling For Soup sucking live.Follow Casey @caseyjsalengo, check out his

00:55:22

HE WAS THE EMO VERSION OF JERRY SEINFELD

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/04/02

Ali spends hours on her MySpace profile trying to impress an emo guy, only to get ghosted for being too emo. Brittany avoids having to process Mufasa’s death by hiding in the pantry and binging on marshmallows. A woman thinks being asked about a book she’s reading counts as bullying. Memories of norm core, Lord Of The Rings, bad AI, and Camp RamsBottom. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

00:51:39

EATING A POTATO HOT DOG STYLE

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/03/26

Ali’s family scans hotel duvets for pubes, and Ali politely asks her boyfriend to repeat dirty talk in a higher volume. Brittany makes an offensive sketch about 9/11 in high school, and accidentally brings a crucifixion sized nail through TSA. A woman can’t eat her sexy potatoes at work without being sent to HR. Memories of Gypsy Rose Blanchard, buff babies, and Love On The Spectrum.For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the

01:06:06

EXPLOITING MENTAL ILLNESS FOR PERSONAL PROFIT w/ John...

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/03/19

We’re joined by our very silly friend, The White Red Fox of Comedy, John F. O’Donnell (Redacted Tonight)! In a manic episode John runs from the CIA, with support and encouragement from U2 and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. We aren’t surprised at all to learn that Ali’s related to a man who cut off his hand and threw it across a river. A woman vomits and makes her fiancé clean it up to teach him a lesson about owning a cat. Memories of smelling ourselves, and George W. Bush’s paintings of dogs.Go see

00:51:12

HOT EMO BOYS KISSING ON THE COMPUTER

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/03/12

Ali gets punched out for telling a kid “NICE HAT”. Brittany relies on her “phonological loop” to hear Ali’s riffs. One man refuses to bow while another refuses to fully orgasm. Memories of getting nervous for the knee reflex test, Katy Perry being Slimed, and hot emo boys kissing.AND..Brittany opens her Christmas gift! (late!) For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story

00:53:30

A CAT VERSION OF SLOTH FROM THE GOONIES

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/03/05

Brittany gets manipulated by a handicapped cat, and Ali witnesses a cat’s eye fall straight out of its head. Our moms roast us for wanting sexy underwear. A woman ruthlessly outlines why her classmate should get a lower grade. Memories of friendship panties, airplane armrest fights, and dads explaining clouds.AND.. Ali opens her Xmas present (late!) For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

00:44:33

THE ENERGY’S BAD IN HERE, WE NEED A FEDORA

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/02/27

Ali and Brittany discover that you have to draw a lot of boobs to get big boobs. Brittany can’t grasp how a little bird could have told on her. A man fears his boss’s huge chest will ruin his relationship. Memories of drooling on text books, Neil The Seal, and Jerry Seinfeld refusing to hug Kesha.For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on YouTube! Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at

01:00:14

WHO BEHIND THE BIG WEIRD MURDER w/ Abe Gatling

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/02/20

Abe Gatling (Comedy Central) joins us!! Abe spends two years figuring out why a dude appears to be missing half of his butt. Ali accidentally befriends a man who just got out of jail and hasn’t done crack in two weeks. Brittany wears a horse shirt and finally feels one with herself. A man gives up his marriage to read about local news. Memories of Drew Carey wrestling, and inventing dick chess. Follow Abe @abe.gatling! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany

00:47:25

SHE'S WIPING HER ASS ON THE CARPET WITH INTENTION

Worthless Clowns ·

2024/02/13

We’re telling Thanksgiving stories in February (again!). Ali finds out what her dad reads while taking a shit, and needs everyone at a rest stop to know her dog barfed. Brittany karaokes a Roy Orbison song with the wrong emotion. A boyfriend defends his couches from a woman’s period. Memories of pretending to dance, lizards molting, and men shadow boxing. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us out on

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Worthless Clowns

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