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PODCAST

Stay Soft, Stay Open

A podcast about vulnerability, courage, and creativity. I"m your host, Jieun Ko. staysoftstayopen.substack.com

arts mental health

All Episodes

00:25:37

Gajok, Ep. #159: July 17, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/17

This episode is about moving trauma as it relates to the immigrant experience, immigrant parents making really narrow-minded, impulsive decisions from a place of fear, stress, and trauma, not being able to say goodbye to the last home your dead parent ever lived in, and the ways that death and grief impact every single family member and the family dynamic.Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠⁠

en

00:20:44

Gajok, Ep. #158: July 16, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/16

The third trimester of pregnancy is fucking insane. My pregnancy nausea from the first trimester has returned because our child is squishing all of my organs. I have indigestion and acid reflux. I have to eat every hour, or else I'll get nauseous, but I'm nauseous, so I can't eat. And when I do eat, I can hardly eat because there's very little room in my body for my stomach to hold food. I have edema in my feet, ankles, legs, hands, wrists, and arms. My face is bloated from all of

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00:22:28

Gajok, Ep. #157: July 15, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/16

I think we, as humans, should allow ourselves to feel our anger, disappointments, and resentments more. These feelings are not worse than joy and gratitude — they are equally as important, and they are just as valuable. In my opinion, the more we push down the feelings that we're uncomfortable with, or the feelings that society has deemed as "bad," the more they build up and explode or come out sideways later down the line. The only way out of our anger is through it. We can't

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00:22:45

Gajok, Ep. #156: July 12, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/13

I think going to see a psychiatrist should be as normal as seeing your primary care doctor. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and it was really helpful. I need to find a new therapist, but I have no energy to do that. I finally got a much-needed haircut. My hair was almost past my butt, my bun was so heavy, and it felt like I was perpetually walking with a heater on my head. And I'm having people over tomorrow for our July Return to 정 Gathering. People are coming from Washington, DC and

en

00:21:20

Gajok, Ep. #155: July 11, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/11

These summer days are thick with grief. This episode starts with me reading my newsletter about 아빠's birthday. And it ends with me talking about how heavy this grief has been, as I relive 아빠's dying days. June to September, it's been hard, and it will continue to be hard.Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠ Read the Newsletter Here: https://jieunandgreg.substack.com/p/its-appas-64th-birthday-this-sunday.

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00:15:24

Gajok, Ep. #154: July 10, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/10

Why do you think some relationships last for decades, and some relationships only last for a couple of years? Why do some relationships last, and some relationships end? Rewatching Twenty-Five Twenty-One made me think about this yesterday. Why have Greg and I stayed together for the last 11 1/2 years? And why did my relationship with the guy I dated right before him only last six months, but technically, one week? I know that the length of time that you stay with someone doesn't always equate to

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00:32:06

Gajok, Ep. #153: July 9, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/09

I listened to the songs we recorded so far this year, and for some strange reason, I felt the desire to listen to the first EP we ever made. It's called Small but Fortunate, under our first band name, the Heartland Nomads. I've barely listened to it since we recorded it back in 2016 because it didn't go the way I wanted it to go at all. But listening back to it, I feel so proud of that Jieun, that Greg, that Andrew, and that EP. That Jieun was brave enough to try. And 35-year-old Jieun

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00:38:04

Gajok, Ep. #152: July 8, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/08

I am really proud of the way that I've been living my life this year — this year after 아빠's death. I am living my life with more courage and freedom, gentleness and kindness. Death changes us. Grief is a messy process, but I think the grieving experience illuminates how the human experience is actually always messy. Grief has given me the freedom to show up on any given day, with whatever I have for the day. Grief has been one of the most powerful teachers of my life. While I would trade in

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00:05:14

Gajok, Ep. #151: The Faraway Nearby, A Letter to...

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/06

I was asked to be one of the responders for The Faraway Nearby's 2024 Dialogue Project! The Faraway Nearby is a dialogue project that explores various ways the dialogue process unfolds among Asian women artists, fostering feelings of empathy and solidarity. The artists I'm responding to are Jamie Ho and Junli Song, and in their conversation, Jamie and Junli discussed the ways their parents, specifically their mothers, showed them love through acts of care and food. This is an oration of the

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00:14:14

Gajok, Ep. #150: July 5, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/06

I'm hosting the Return to 정 July Gathering, and I'm excited about getting together again — it's been more than two months since we had one of these gatherings. I might be going to Virginia this month, and I'm feeling anxious about it. I haven't been back since December. Having edema in my hands and feet because of pregnancy reminds me of 아빠.Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠⁠

en

00:11:52

Gajok, Ep. #149: July 4, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/05

July 4th is a holiday for the colonizers, so I don't want to celebrate it anymore. This holiday does not acknowledge the independence the British colonizers stole from the indigenous people who lived here before they arrived. I also hate how holidays make you feel pressure to do something — hang out with people, eat grilled foods, be outside. All of the holidays have been hard since 아빠 died. I do have fond memories of spending this day with my parents in past years. I especially loved the July

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00:14:07

Gajok, Ep. #148: July 3, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/04

I'm currently rewatching the Korean drama series, Twenty-Five Twenty-One. In grief, it's nice to have some comfort items: TV shows, movies, foods, clothes, and activities. Twenty-Five Twenty-One is one of those comfort shows for me. I also like rewatching Korean shows so I can expand my Korean language skills. I particuarly love Twenty-Five Twenty One because of the focus of girls in sports and high school nostalgia. In high school, I competitively practiced 검도 and I absolutely loved it. I

en

00:17:17

Gajok, Ep. #147: July 2, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/02

This is a pregnancy rant. I am 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant — I am 204 days pregnant. Whoa, I was 100 days off in the episode. This is how much pregnancy messes with your brain, haha. I'm massive, I'm running incredibly hot, I'm experiencing constant jolts, kicks, and punches, and my feet and hands are so swollen and in pain. To anyone who has ever said they loved pregnancy and hated zero aspects of it, I don't believe you. Pregnancy is a wild experience, but it's also a painful,

en

00:15:54

Gajok, Ep. #146: July 1, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/07/01

We released our 6th song of the year yesterday, on 아빠's 64th birthday. The song is called "Show Me Love" and it's about how love lives on. You can read the newsletter on Substack: https://jieunandgreg.substack.com/p/june-2024-show-me-love. And you can listen to the song on bandcamp: https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/show-me-love. Thank you to all 59 of our Patreon Members for funding our June recording project! If you're not a Patreon Member yet, will you subscribe today

en

00:23:18

Gajok, Ep. #145: June 28, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/06/29

This Sunday, June 30, is 아빠's 64th birthday. Would you join me on Sunday in doing something really fun? 아빠 embodied joy, and he was able to find a way to have fun and make people laugh, even in the worst of times. I want to honor 아빠 by having some fun on Sunday. Please join me.Today was a wild day. Greg and and our incredible Taskrabbit mover moved a sofa into our apartment. Greg and I went to an ultrasound appointment and we got to see our child's face for the first time ever! It was a

en

00:21:49

Gajok, Ep. #144: June 27, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/06/28

Getting scammed on TaskRabbit by pieces of shit is a thing. Thankfully, I handled it, but damn, this pregnant woman has ZERO patience for getting scammed on a Thursday! Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg⁠

en

00:15:42

Gajok, Ep. #143: June 26, 2024 — 9-Month Anniversary...

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/06/27

Today marks the 9-month anniversary of 아빠's death. These death anniversaries are always hard. I didn't cry today, but I did feel the quiet devastation that inevitably comes with these heavy days. I went on a walk to the park and back, we went to H-Mart, ate some food, fought for some kimchi, bought some groceries, and came home. Plans to hang out with my friends fell through, which I was totally fine with because I was exhausted by the end of the day. I felt depressed when I got home, so I

en

00:21:09

Gajok, Ep. #141: June 25, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/06/26

Tomorrow, Wednesday, June 26, marks 9 months without 아빠. We're going to go to H-Mart, eat some Korean food in the food court, buy some groceries, get in the car, drink our special drink while eating 떡 and snacks. And I'm also going to hang out with my Return to 정 friends at a Korean bar-restaurant. I am in disbelief that it's been nine months, and I absolutely feel like it's been nine months. How has it been nine months? Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member:

en

00:23:38

Gajok, Ep. #141: June 24, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/06/25

아빠’s 64th birthday is coming up this Sunday, June 30, and I’m feeling a lot of fear, dread, and anxiety. Sunday, June 16, was Father's Day. Wednesday, June 26, is the 9-month anniversary of 아빠's death. Sunday, June 30, is 아빠's 64th birthday. Last year, on his 63rd birthday, we met with his neuro-oncologist and found out that the cancer had spread to critical parts of his brain. His 63rd birthday was basically when we found out he was going to die. June was the beginning of the end. I

en

00:19:42

Gajok, Ep. #140: June 21, 2024

Stay Soft, Stay Open ·

2024/06/22

People smile at me on the street way more as a pregnant woman than they did when I wasn't pregnant. I also rarely get sexually harassed by strange men on the street as a pregnant woman. Continuing to go on dates with your partner when you've been in a really long relationship is so important. The swelling of my hands, feet, wrists, and ankles is painful and uncomfortable, but it also reminds me of 아빠. He had edema in the same areas because he was taking a targeted chemotherapy treatment

en

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