PODCAST

Regular Features

Steve, Log, Joe, Matt and Gav present the podcast that"s the same every week

comedy

All Episodes

00:41:17

527: Dog Piss Cowboys

Regular Features ·

2023/05/13

Come, come inside my fortune telling tent young man, or is it young woman? My wizened old crone eyes can't see too well these days. What... "crone"? No, no it's fine, I can say it because I am one, it's our word. No, yeah I know it's rooted in misogyny. We're reclaiming it, sort of like "queer". Oh god sorry I didn't realise you were queer. Oh god I've said it again. Right, turn over your cards. There. You'll meet a tall handsome stranger on a blimp, now get out of my tent. In this two-boy fiasco

00:48:14

526: Crab Rangoon's Piss Wars

Regular Features ·

2023/05/03

I am REALLY gassy right now. Log does Mandalorian via Pussy Pals. Steve does meat of the week. Matt been stench in p*******. God, I am so gassy.

01:08:57

525: The British Kebab Awards 2023 Special

Regular Features ·

2023/04/19

Here it is! Somehow Joe and Gav got invited back to the British Kebab Awards to report from the frontlines on all the going ons from the biggest night of the meat calendar. justgiving.com/donate-a-doner If you enjoyed this episode please consider donating to the incredible Donate-a-Doner charity to help the victims of the earthquake that affected Syria and Turkey.

00:32:57

524: Roger Baba Helmer Dook

Regular Features ·

2023/04/10

Hoik up your britches and join us in the Regular Features tide pool, but mind you don't step on a hermit crab or one of those cool wet slugs. They were here first and we are their guests in the tide pool. We must always remember that the wet slug is our hostess. Write it down. Write down in your copybook that the wet slug is your hostess before you get into the tide pool. In this episode, Joe is visited by a Babadook who wants to set the record straight. And Steve's received a newsletter from Roger

00:36:27

523: Zumbido, The Gladiator of Time

Regular Features ·

2023/04/04

Right on the heels of Episode 522 - it's Episode 523! 522 has ducked into a back alley in an attempt to escape the inevitable, but 523 has locked onto their scent. 522 looks around for anything they could use as a weapon, as the slobbering 523 approaches, dragging its lame, smoky leg across the hot cobbles. It's been injured in the chase, and 522, for the first time, notices a sense of profound sadness in its lumbering gait. It takes no pleasure from this process. It is simply how things must

00:52:11

522: Pretty Flyting For A White Viking

Regular Features ·

2023/03/25

No, it's not the Kebabbies episode just yet. That meaty boy is still percolating in our collective guts, and it will come blasting out at you when you and we least expect it. In this one, Log has been spitting rhymes in Assassins's Creed Valhalla, Joe has been measured to within an inch of his life at the tailor, and Steve was moved to burps by Brendan Fraser's Oscars speech.

00:41:57

521: Someone Left The Cake Out With Bourdain

Regular Features ·

2023/03/02

When you wish upon a star, does it come true? It hasn't for me, so far. I'm only asking to test the "makes no difference who you are" hypothesis. I mean it'd be a *bit* annoying if we've all been sucked in by an international wish-granting scam. But it'd be absolutely galling if I was the only sap diligently facing his wish mat towards Orlando and NOT getting his fondest wish granted. (My fondest wish, in case you were wondering, is to see a punk help an old lady cross the road in Piccadilly Circus,

00:54:01

520: ABBA Kebabra

Regular Features ·

2023/02/24

Do you think they added the "and decorator" bit to "painter and decorator" because people kept accidentally booking watercolourists to come in and do the spare room? Like these painters kept showing up with their easels, and the person's like, "you won't be needing that buddy-boy, here's some Farrow & Ball", and then we cut to the Tate Modern and there's a contractor rolling a second undercoat on to a Rothko while the guards try to rugby tackle him. Anyway in this one Joe overhears a fleshy

00:51:11

519: The Last of The Dorito Retweets

Regular Features ·

2023/02/13

Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am. Yes, thank you for participating in the annual whamming and bamming contest. Now who's next. Wham! Thank you sir, but I'm afraid you're disqualified. You forgot to bam. No you can't go again. In this one, Log finds romance in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Joe investigates our disappearing kebab retweets. Steve eats a Dorito. Thanks! "Tenebrous Brothers Carnival - Act Two" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0

00:53:41

518: The Blue Tick Game Pitch

Regular Features ·

2023/02/03

Hello, this is your phone speaking. I just wanted to say that it's real nice and cosy inside your pocket. I bet you thought I'd say it stinks of coins and thighs, but that's just your inner critic trying to trip you up again. You're your own worst enemy, when you gotta be your own biggest cheerleader, cos there aint anyone else around here who's gonna do it, except for maybe your housekeys. Hello this is your housekeys. Gimme a Y. Gimme a O. Gimme a U. That's spells YOU. As in YOU are amazing

01:01:45

517: Is Carol a Robot? feat. BlobbyWatch

Regular Features ·

2023/01/26

Welcome to the far future, where Blobbies buy you on eBay. Frightened yet? Well listen to Regular Features and feel a lot nicer about yourself.

01:01:13

516: The Prince's Bolivian Fight

Regular Features ·

2023/01/19

Prince Harry's tadger keeps transporting him into realms of reveries, and we simply can't get enough.

00:40:48

515: The Invincible Golden Syrup Girl

Regular Features ·

2023/01/15

This week we go back to bible times and learn about syrups and Log has a new enemy. Please retweet this so that we can go to the Kebab Awards again please: https://twitter.com/RegularFeatures/status/1552632683787952130

00:50:19

514: Happy Ramblemas

Regular Features ·

2023/01/05

This week we bring back a forgotten tradition of the podcast - The Holiday Ramble.

00:47:42

513: Happy Christmas

Regular Features ·

2022/12/24

Get outa here!

00:45:58

512: Jack Frost Nipping At Your Nose

Regular Features ·

2022/12/17

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... writes the crime scene investigator in his crime solving notepad, as he shakes his head and cries into an evidence bag in the charred ruins of a house. It was a crime scene investigation this entire time, that's the twist. Please be fire safe this Christmas! Turn off your Christmas lights and don't play with candles. Okay! Let's have some Regular Features. In this one, Log has some advertisements for other podcasts on the Regular Features network. Steve writes

00:37:56

511: Worms! Worms! Worms!

Regular Features ·

2022/12/07

There's never been a better time to invest in worms. Worms are under you right now, working around the clock to make the rotten wet soil nice for daisies. Worms are versatile! They act like novelty Banana Boats for holidaymaking earwigs - AND they make chic scarves for robins in winter. And when the weather warms up? Don't put your worm scarf in the wardrobe! Rip it off, peck it to shreds, and eat a bit of it before getting startled by a cat. Worms are at the intersection of fungus and tree. Their

00:35:32

510: You Are Log's Double-Ended Candle

Regular Features ·

2022/11/30

In this episode, Steve burns his candle at both ends. And Log invites you to embody him completely and understand once and for all the arduous process of producing a regular feature. Joe is here, to bear witness to this foul act.

00:49:43

509: Beak Wizard

Regular Features ·

2022/11/18

Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door, but where's the people? Church attendance has been in decline for decades. Among people aged between 18 and 24, the incidence of religious affiliation is only 30.7%. If it were to drop below 30%, a special alarm will go off inside the Pope's hat, and he'll take off his hat and there'll be a special golden telephone under there, ringing. He'll pick it up. "Hello, Pope speaking." He'll hold his hand over the receiver and mouth the words "it's

01:07:07

508: McClue Manor

Regular Features ·

2022/11/06

The crime? A mordor. The suspect?! YOU. And you thought you'd get away with it you little freak. Well say hello to a little thing we like to call JUSTICE.

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