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PODCAST

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

Toke up to this whimsical, narrated Cannabis Column that infuses contemporary observations from an old school perspective. The name Stoney Baloney says it all; a weekly grab bag of ingredients that"s sure to be infused with lots of salty flavors to make it taste delicious.

comedy

All Episodes

02:59

#234 - Check Your Temperature (Rewrite of Episode #62)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/09/18

It was the hot dab that did me in. Thank you, my airheaded rookie administrator, for enlightening me about what the inside of a barrel of a flame thrower feels like when delivering a dragon’s maniacal fire. And just when I managed to inhale actual air, the entire experience was intensified upon identifying the sensation of having swallowed a sleeping porcupine into my lungs who, upon awakening in the cramped space, was overcome with fear, causing it to instinctually employ its quills in order to

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02:53

#233 - Black Licorice is Vile (Rewrite of Episode 180)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/09/11

I think it is the devil’s candy. Call me broken, but when the thought of black licorice enters my thoughts, I immediately picture the odd fuck from Lemony Snickets hiding a sinister grin behind his outreached hand that is gripping black licorice like it’s a bouquet of dying flowers. Or that miserable pedophile in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang who goes Richter when out sniffing for children. Is there one single redeeming quality about black licorice other than the fact that it is candy? At least that’s

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03:02

#232 - What We Learned From Slugworth (Rewrite of...

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/09/04

Everyone has seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, right? Well, Slugworth, in case you have the memory of Dori the Fish, is the creepy, long-faced fucker who scares kids straight. Kind of like that sinister, spider-like pervert in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang who smells children better than his own farts, but that’s an entirely different personality disorder. These guys are good old-fashioned villains. Stories need them. They play an important role, which is to make you uncomfortable so that when

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03:02

#231 - The Friendgirl (Rewrite of Episode #54)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/08/28

It’s a woman who is just a friend. Except a guy can’t call her a girlfriend like a girl can call another girl a girlfriend. You see, if a man publicly addresses his friendgirl as a girlfriend, the silence stews amongst those within earshot, the brows lift, and the inquiries eventually fly like hail in a tornado. Be aware, gentlemen, that the examination from her friends will begin suggestively. First, you’ll pick up a subtle nudge that comes off as cautiously indirect. It’ll be something like,

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02:33

#230 - Decision Fatigue (Rewrite of Episode #52)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/08/21

There are too many damn choices these days. You wake up, throw on the standard comfort wear, and now you’re armed and ready to start ruling out inferior options in almost every aspect of life. Thankfully, some of your choices are pre-determined, like which coffee you’ll drink, where you’ll sit at the breakfast table, and how to get to where you’re going. Then some are not pre-determined. And so, it begins. Whether to shave or go with the rugged look. Which entertainment or educational outlet to

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02:42

#229 - God Bless Buddha (Rewrite of Episode 51)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/08/14

Religion is a mess. Can’t we just consolidate the roughly four-thousand-two-hundred-plus doctrines of belief into one handy little guidebook that reflects something like the Ten Commandments and call it a day? And if it pisses you off, we don’t even have to call it the Ten Commandments. I don’t care what you call it, just don’t call me late for dinner. Because when you think about it, all denominations pretty much preach the same thing. And those tenets are to simply believe in a higher power,

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02:56

#228 - I Think I Blacked Out... (Repost of Episode 10)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/08/07

Puppy dog breath. Can you define the smell? Because it doesn’t smell like anything else. They are so new and young, but their breath is borderline noxious. Is it the food, or an odd combination of a strange bacteria paired with the culture of milk from the mommy? What is it that goes on in that soft, warm potbelly? It’s a tough smell to put your finger on. It’s kinda like a three-day old re-heated latte, or a bazaar Middle Eastern hookah. No, maybe it’s a woodsy smell, like moldy leaves on a warm

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03:01

#227 - One Night Stand With A Carnie (Repost of...

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/07/31

The whole thing was a Whirlwind. Literally, that was the name of the fabulous traveling amusement ride she so deftly operated. Sometimes the energies of the heavens are in complete synchronicity, and a bolt of lightning can change your trajectory. There was an actual graphic of a bolt of lightning on the side of the structure, you see, and it was the bad-assedness of this bolt that I commented on before she picked the ticket from my fingers, spit into her cup, and engaged that crooked smile. “Wanna

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02:53

#226 - Watching Sports Is Stupid (Repost of Episode #41)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/07/20

Bring up anything that has to do with people attempting to strategically advance a ball toward an advantageous area outlined by boundaries that will result in points on a scoreboard, and anyone non-competitive will look at you with the same blank expression as Garfield the Cat. “Time is precious. Great moments are few. So why would you knowingly squander them on such a blatant distraction from what is real and important?” Big sigh. They aren’t wrong. Millionaires flexing their dominance by

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02:40

#225 - Monologuing (Repost of Episode #38)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/07/10

I talk to myself sometimes. Ok, all the time. Call me strange if you want, but the reality is that everyone wants to be heard, and no one listens to you more intently than you. And where other people will often respond with unsolicited advice, the real opinion that is most beneficial to your situation is your own because no one will give it to you straighter than you to yourself. Unless you lie to yourself. I’m not entirely convinced that this is even a possibility. Sometimes I see people on the

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03:06

#224 - The Drunchies (Repost of Episode #19)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/07/03

Remember that movie where the guy is dying of thirst in the desert, and he keeps thinking that he sees water up ahead, but it’s only a mirage? Well, that is what your brain is doing when it tells you that if you drink more alcohol, you’ll feel better. And be more amazing. And be a more amazing singer. You know how it works; the progression casually begins at Friday happy hour with a beer and a shot just to take the edge off, a reward for the tempest of horseshit you weathered all week. Then things

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02:54

#223 - Party Injuries (Repost of Episode #21)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/06/26

It happened in the co-ed dormitory at college. There I was, chatting it up outside of someone’s room in the hallway, when I heard the words splattered out in a high pitch cheer. “Mikey”! It is one of my buddies who is twice my size. He comes charging down the hallway with what I think will be a loving bear hug, which is indeed the case. Until midway through when he spontaneously decides to apply a World Wrestling Federation Standing Guillotine Drop finished with a ripe, moist kiss on the cheek. My

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02:41

#222 - Don't Have Children (Episode #13 Repost)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/06/19

Guess what the leading cause for divorce is. Marriage. You know why? Because when you’re young and horny and good looking and fit and ambitious and wild and optimistic and horny, the idea of growing old with someone who can shoulder half the responsibilities seems like a great plan. And the honeymoon sounds like a blast. Who wouldn’t want an exotic, all-expenses paid vacation on the family dime where your only responsibility is to bang through the soreness? “One day we’ll be the sweet old couple

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02:59

#221 - Strategic Crop-Dusting (Episode #3 Repost)

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/06/12

The sound of farting is funny. Call me immature, but if the timing is just right, the surprise audio booty burst of creaking wood, or the short brunt of a brass instrument, can be playfully startling, resulting in a good giggle. Even my 70-year-old Victorian-bred mother finds small moments of joy in the embarrassment of those who become the butt of her connivery. She’ll covertly plant a remote-controlled fart machine into an unsuspecting person’s backpack (me), or purse (my sister), then await the

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02:54

#220 - Refrigeration is Personal

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/06/05

Peek into someone’s fridge, and you get a glimpse into their soul. Because what one chooses to store in the crib’s chilliest place provides clues to those with inspective impulses whilst grabbing a glass of water. Are there indications of plans for the unexpected (or expected) Armageddon, or is it a bare-bones, protein shake and salad with raspberry vinegarette affair? Food lends definition to our existence. And what we choose to stock in the container of cool mirrors our personality. This

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02:54

#219 - Boobs and Booties

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/05/29

We are preoccupied with sex. Since each of us first exited the womb, genitalia has drawn our fascination with the irreversible magnetism that’s built into our DNA. But as the system of indoctrination has been designed to control our natural urges through guilt and shame, there is still no proven method of turning off the salacious thoughts that occupy much of our attention, no matter how hard we try. Because, like any animal with the propensity to propagate its lineage, the compulsion to unveil

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02:57

#218 - The Stoner And The Drunk

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/05/22

Dude, we were having a great night, and then... It appeared that the late shot of elixir was what transformed Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde, escalating the exuberant whiskey burn growl into an ear-piercing screech. And that’s where the off switch appears to have malfunctioned. Like a Pitbull on its first lick of steak that triggers the glazed, wide-eyed feeding frenzy, in an instant, what was a composed practice in cocktail etiquette became an all-bets-are-off mission to Mercury. This was the turning

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03:18

#217 - Death By Dabs

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/05/15

Davey Dabs saves his earwax. He stores these globs in carefully labeled ceramic saucers that are categorized by the air temperature and date they were extracted. And as much as the fear of bacterial propagation is, he ensures his housemates Rachel the Ripper and the Swashbuckling Shatterbrain Shane with whom he shares the refrigerator, that they are sanitized before being stored for terpene preservation. Numerous times, he’s been asked to explain how there could be terpenes in earwax, which is a

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02:58

#216 - Kissing Is Underrated

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/05/09

Do you remember your first kiss? Damn right, you do. It was a rite of passage and potentially the most meaningful experience of your life. While the heating blood power-pumped on the inside, the bone-dry lips and frozen hips barely budged on the outside. Awkweird. Thank God it gets better. Much better. Because this transformative initiation into adulthood is when everything changes. It’s where the meaning of life goes from crayons and cartoons to cocktails and condoms. This is the earth-rattling

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03:01

#215 - An Impressive Turd

Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column ·

2023/05/01

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So, it’s safe to say that everything possesses some degree of charm because what one person thinks is ugly another may see as lovely. Dogs are a great example. Let’s be real, some Pug faces resemble a cow patty. And even though we are aware that it is not pretty, it triggers an increase in our oxytocin levels because it resembles, to some degree, a fuzzy-faced baby. And babies are instinctively always cute through the human lens because we have

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313 results

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