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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

01:21:46

Episode 169: If I Was a Dog I Would Bite You

Umpire Pants ·

2020/11/23

Noice! We’re doing a Thanksgiving Ep and cousins Christy and Danielle are back! We talk about Thanksgiving food and memories. Alice’s Restaurant. Fruitcake. What are we all making this year? And where do rolls come into play for everyone? The joy of leftovers. The origin of chocolate pie becoming a holiday tradition for us. Peak fruit salad. Our ongoing quest to get our dad to try weed again. We get a stair update, pushup update, and stair update. Juniper sent in some sayings to talk about – Get

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01:01:27

Episode 168: Do You Want Your Stink Oil On This?

Umpire Pants ·

2020/11/16

Bill starts the show with a hypothetical about quarterback Russell Wilson, and Kelley is shocked to learn English muffins are in two places at their local grocery stores. Giving medicine to a cat vs. a dog. Mary is not afraid of germs. We talk about the election some more, but not too much. Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The TV show Greenleaf. PSA – Please don’t travel for Thanksgiving, guys! Mary gives a stair update, in maybe the most concise way ever. Our stories of pedestrian-rage. Do

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01:01:41

Episode 167: Rubbery Dicks?

Umpire Pants ·

2020/11/09

We recorded this on Friday, before the election was called, and it was a long fuckin’ week, guys. We try to keep the election talk brief. We talk about what we did for Halloween. Bill recommends Inside Man, the heist movie, and discusses Shaun of the Dead, and Hocus Pocus. We get another stair update from Mary. Mary renames Bill. For some reason she can’t explain, Mary watched Hubie Halloween. Mary is back with a comparison between her banana cake recipe and regular banana bread. Mary is mad

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01:07:04

Episode 166: One Hand on the Misto II

Umpire Pants ·

2020/11/02

Alright, guys, if you haven’t voted yet you know you have to drop your ballot at a dropbox, right? Do that, then you can listen to our anxiety filled pre-election episode, okay? Mary watched the Borat movie. Sorry for the Halloween talk after Halloween, but Bill wants to warn you about edibles. Shawn Kemp opened a weed store in Seattle. Bill declares: Gumby Rules! Bill is still trying to turn this into a Taxi podcast. Kelley’s going to tackle a Pectin candy recipe, if she can figure it out. Mary

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00:42:18

Episode 165: Well What the Hell’s Gumby Supposed to Be?

Umpire Pants ·

2020/10/26

Bill is sick, so Kelley and Mary are doing a short boy. Do people like Trump’s dancing? We got our flu shots and that leads to Gumby talk. Turns out Mary really hates Gumby. Kelley was impressed with the Covid test process in Seattle. Last week’s story about Mary’s fridge reminded us we need fire extinguishers. Mary has a stair update. Kelley names all of her houseplants and accepts a challenge from Mary. Kelley comes back from the break with her Friday Edible in full effect. Mary doesn’t like

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01:08:20

Episode 164: Do You Think The Wheedle is Squatch’s Dad?

Umpire Pants ·

2020/10/19

Mary has written 300 letters and is weirdly pissed that we’re not more congratulatory. Car battery update. We get pretty local talking Sasquatch and the Wheedle. Mary had a frightening event last week, but she recovered with some banana cake. Stair update: Mary figured out how to set an alarm. Bill tells a story about Mary’s problem solving skills, and our family’s history with shitty cars. Kelley shares a new recipe she made up, but let’s be honest, it’s mostly for one listener. Shit List of the

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00:51:52

Episode 163: Do You Think Tic-Tacs are Pills?

Umpire Pants ·

2020/10/12

This one’s a shit-show from start to finish, and we apologize, but it’s been a long week, guys. Mary’s audio improves after the second half. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Kelley saw a baby mouse. What does Mary DO all day? Who is eating on mic?!? Errant text messages. Mary had some juniper flavored poison. We make future plans for Madlibs and Kelley explains an adverb. You can teach cats things. Stair update. We read some recipes from first graders. Mary recommends a movie. Bill has to leave

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01:02:42

Episode 162: And Ya’ll Can Just Suck It

Umpire Pants ·

2020/10/05

Trump has Covid-19 and we’re not gonna lie, we think it’s funny as fuck. But don’t forget Melania was just on tape saying Fuck Christmas, and that got us to speculate what she considers hard work. Bill is destroying a piano. Max Update: Good Boy. Shout-out to the Seattle Storm. Football without crowds. Tune in to a future episode for the exciting conclusion of Bill’s New Mouth-guard and Mary’s New Pillow! Stair Update. What did Mary want the drugstore employee to say, that would make her less

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01:02:14

Episode 161: I Like a Tight Burger

Umpire Pants ·

2020/09/28

Bill is living the shed life, falling down and hanging out with raccoons. Calm your tits on MSG. Mary has a game-changer for your granola. Mary called the prayer line! America’s fucked up medical system. We get a very confusing stair update from Mary. Commercials these days are very home-oriented. We have a quick fast food burger chat. We’re doing a White Men Can’t Jump podcast, guys. Bill’s continuing the “sayings we didn’t understand” segment. Our dad is trying teach the cat to wink. We read

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01:10:01

Episode 160: I’ve Got a Cravin’ for Pizza Haven

Umpire Pants ·

2020/09/21

The smoke has finally cleared in Seattle and Bill watched Top Gun. Tom Cruz talk. We have an update on the sandwich board across the street that we didn’t understand. Shit List of the Week: Foot injuries and Ken Jennings. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Watermelon and Milk Popsicles and using herbs with fruit pies. Herman’s back for his final appearance of A Question for Mary and we follow up on idioms. Recipes from first graders. Mary brings a whack hint from Reader’s Digest. Kelley’s Hint

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00:58:07

Episode 159: Thank You for Always Liking My Haircuts

Umpire Pants ·

2020/09/14

Wildfire smoke has engulfed the entire west coast. Vegas and Disneyworld. We speculate on train brakes instead of looking it up. Mary apologizes to all and sundry. We ponder the meaning of a sandwich board at a restaurant. Bill sees some ridiculous Next Door meddling. Bill has a follow up on the round bank window. We talk about old cars and wrecks. (Herman’s) Question for Mary! Herman asks Mary to bring some confusing clichés or idioms next week. Send in your own! We read from a first

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01:08:21

Episode 158: Me I’m a Knock Rockin’ Fool!

Umpire Pants ·

2020/09/07

Bill’s plan for sleeping on the podcast shed floor and pets waking you up. School has started online, and everyone’s figuring it out still, but we can all agree the federal response sucks. A mysterious round window in Redmond. Rocks that spark when you rub them together. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Defaced Trump/Pence signs. Herman’s back! And he has a two-part question for Mary. We read some recipes written by first graders. Reminiscing about NW Hardware Chain Ernst, once again. Kelley’s Hint

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00:56:46

Episode 157: If You Have Stucco You’re in New Mexico

Umpire Pants ·

2020/08/31

Mary starts off hot by hanging up on the recording. Bill brags about seeing the Ramones. Mary reiterates her hate of Heart. Should we adopt a highway? And is Less Piss More Jugs a good slogan? Follow up on the fake lox cream cheese. Kelley shares a book her second grade class made. Ice Cream Trucks of the Week: Bambi, Mango Pizza and Pickles. The Slow and Low Boys. We read some recipes written by first graders. Kelley’s Hint List! Use salt on rugs before you vacuum. How to remove ice cream

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01:04:15

Episode 156: I’m Looking for Some Husband Chili

Umpire Pants ·

2020/08/24

My computer installed updates and restarted last night, and I lost all my work, so enjoy this minimally edited edition of Umpire Pants! Is Mary ending the show today? Mary takes issue with her recording nickname but can’t explain why. Bill’s watching old shows. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Corny Local TV Stuff. Local radio and fake bits. Mary was happy with the DNC. Bill’s washing machine has an error code, and the internet is not helping him figure it out. Email us if you want a picture of

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00:58:51

Episode 155: I Know You Stole That Hair Out of My...

Umpire Pants ·

2020/08/17

We’re a Sammy Hagar podcast now. Mary’s working on a new craft project since she can’t go to bars this winter. Mary’s vegan cream cheese problem – it’s the Shit List of the Week! An onion recall leads us to a great onion scam. Seatbelt laws and wearing a seatbelt vs. getting “thrown clear” from your car. Herman’s back to ask Mary a question – can she beat the clock? We enter into a very confusing bet. Kelley’s Hint List! Cleaning vases. Remove fish odors from utensils. Fixes for common door

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01:03:24

Episode 154: The Okeykey-Anovie-Okefenokee Swamp

Umpire Pants ·

2020/08/10

Bill went camping, and got fancy with his campfire cooking. Bill floats a camping hotdog contest at midnight. Mary started off grumpy, can we cheer her up? Mary’s Sierra Club letter campaign gaff. We’re quitting Facebook again. Mary tries to say Okefenokee swamp. Kids rhymes and how they spread across the nation. We talk Rumpelstiltskin and Fairytale Theater (Kelley was wrong about the moral part). Stair update from Mary. Kelley’s spider story and craft project. Mary’s anti-tip for

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00:59:45

Episode 153: Gentlemen Out There, Cover Up Your Meat

Umpire Pants ·

2020/08/03

We start out hot with politics talk, but it doesn’t last long. Mary was featured in an email newsletter! Shout out to TBTL. This is an eggs Benedict podcast now. Are we doing a Jaws Podcast Podcast, or what? Mary’s stair update. What can you use old cooking oil for? Kelley bought a weird dress. Flour sacks and drywall designs. Mary was in a focus group. Herman joins us for a new segment! (Henny Youngman joke.) Kelley’s Hint List! Adjust your vacuum hoses frequently. Refrigerator maintenance

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01:09:15

Episode 152: Oh My God it’s Time for Chopped!

Umpire Pants ·

2020/07/27

Sorry for the late upload this week, guys! It’s just Mary and Bill to start the show. Mary’s volunteer Zoom call has her worked up. (I leave the typing in because it’s so cartoonish.) Mary’s brunch recipe. Indoor dining and going to the dentist during COVID-19. The Seattle Metropolitans won during the Spanish Flue pandemic. Kelley joins just in time for hockey talk. We welcome the Kraken to Seattle, and declare ourselves immediate fans. We recommend Dorktown on Youtube if you want to learn

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01:14:04

Episode 151: Fat One Bent the Cushion

Umpire Pants ·

2020/07/20

Cousin Danielle is here! Happy Birthday to our dad. It’s Episode 151 so we share our 151 Rum stories. Bill finally saw a bear. Outdoor movies during COVID-19. Bill’s a camping dirt-bag, but is he a thief? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Kanye dropped out, and Kelley has a new ice cream cone treat. (Woah, I forgot to take notes for awhile!) We ask our guest some questions! We use the same ones as last week, and Mary’s is still confusing. Kelley’s Hint List! How to freshen up suede. Dipping your

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01:01:56

Episode 150: Are You Talking About Balls or Walnuts?

Umpire Pants ·

2020/07/13

Cousin Christy is back! Bill’s camping. Cast iron talk. Kelley’s awkward elevator exchange leads to a stair challenge. We get into some ear hair talk, and Mary loves it! Rapid spread of conspiracies these days. Are we into Martha Stewart? Kelley has a great idea for Mary’s Sierra Club letters she’s writing. Shitlist of the Week: Kanye running for president. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Good kids doing good stuff and a garden that’s finally producing fruits of labor. Lose a job get a pie in

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278 results

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