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PODCAST

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW and Tami VerHelst

The Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction podcast, featuring Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami VerHelst, presents a conversational Q&A style discussion drawn from listener questions about sex and porn addictions, infidelity, cheating, and hard work required to heal relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob and Tami are very good at engaging people struggling with painful life issues in a useful, respectful way. They also invite you to join them on their live weekly webinar (Mondays, 5 p.m. Pacific at

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All Episodes

37:16

Why Does My Addict Cause Me So Much Pain? It’s...

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/12/22

Dr. Rob and Tami understand that it can be incredibly frustrating for a betrayed partner to deal with an addict’s head trash and lies and deceit. But why do they bring you into their mess in the first place? Why can’t they just be alone and not hurt people with it? Dr. Rob understands it can be very hard to see through the eyes of an addict, but there is so much more below the surface. At the end of the day, these people are deeply hurt and broken people who are struggling and have no tools to help

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26:08

Should I Leave My Partner After 2 Years?

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/12/19

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a young listener who is wondering if their trauma and attachment style is the problem or if they’re truly incompatible with the person they’re currently with? They don’t know what to do. Life circumstances might have gotten in the way where this person feels resentful towards their partner, but Dr. Rob and Tami share their wisdom and advice on when it makes sense to stay, or to move on, in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I resent and punish my

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33:06

If You Don’t Sleep with Me, I Will Cheat on You

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/12/19

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse on what to do when your SA partner is trying to coerce you into having intimate sex again, or else there will be consequences. Dr. Rob has some choice words for this person that he will refrain from using. Kidding! He didn’t hold back in this episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Suggestions on how to find a CSAT for my betrayed spouse? [1:30] Can you help me understand forgiveness? [9:10] What you’re feeling is accurate. Trust it. [10:50] I don’t want

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31:10

I Make the Money, so I Make the Decisions

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/12/09

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner who is trying to find the help and support she needs, but her SA husband will not fund her therapist because he “makes the money.” What can you do when your partner is not supportive of your recovery and healing journey? He says he’ll find himself a therapist, but his actions have not demonstrated that. Dr. Rob and Tami offer some guidance and advice. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My husband had an emotional affair and only regrets that he lied about

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26:48

My Therapist Won’t Hold Me Accountable

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/11/24

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether a therapist should hold their clients accountable. Dr. Rob had some interesting things to say about this. If you’re an addict expecting to have someone else solve your problems or show up for you, then you’re back to your default ways. It’s time to get proactive! TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Why did it go from pretty good to pretty miserable in my marriage with an addict? [6:20] Two months after the discovery and he wants to have sex! He’s also gaslighting me. What should I

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30:10

What’s the Difference Between Letting Go and...

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/11/17

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the difference between letting go and forgiving someone who has deeply hurt and betrayed you. Forgiveness is much like grief and it comes in waves, one day you think you’re doing alright and ready to move on, the next, you’re having a hard time getting up off the floor. If you’re a betrayed spouse, you’re not alone in these feelings. Dr. Rob sheds light on how “letting go” vs. “forgiving” works, in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [1:00] Why does my husband still have

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31:12

I Broke Her Trust and I Keep Messing Up

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/11/10

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a man who is breaking his connection with his spouse. When he and she are in conflict, he can’t seem to find a way to make her feel better, show up for her in her pain, and understand. His lack of empathy is pushing their relationship further and further away and he’s afraid of losing her. Dr. Rob shares how you can build empathy with a betrayed partner, in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] What’s the best way to find a sponsor? [2:45] It’s okay to ask

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30:26

You Glorifying Your Addiction Makes Me Trust You Less

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/11/10

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse who is incredibly hurt to find out her partner still believes his acting out activities were worth it. In cases like these, especially when an addict is new to recovery, you have to communicate your hurt feelings and lack of trust in him. It can be painful for anybody to hear this from their partner and they must know that they’re starting back from zero. More on this in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] What is considered “healthy”

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32:04

I’ve Been in Recovery for Two Years. Why Are Things...

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/11/01

Dr. Rob and Tami explain to someone in recovery why their betrayed spouse still feels hurt and angry despite him being in recovery for the last two years. Will things ever go back to normal? The answer is no. Dr. Rob explains that “normal” was not sustainable. You were an addict and you were living a lie! As you go forward in your marriage, you have to embrace a new normal. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My wife thinks she doesn’t respect herself for coming back and forgiving me. How can I show up for her

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33:26

Is He a Chronic Cheater or Is He Just an Addict?

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/10/20

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the difference between being a cheater vs. an addict. If your partner is just out and they’re unable to think about you or have you in mind, they’re immature. The same goes for cheating. The immaturity of cheating is by not having your partner in mind at all when you’re out committing the act. However, with sex addiction, it has nothing to do with immaturity and everything to do with being psychologically broken. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Are SAs able to compartmentalize or are

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33:33

Is He Just White Knuckling His Way Through Recovery?

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/10/13

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a fed up partner who has stuck by their addict for the last ten years and has finally had enough. Now, he wants to change for the better. Dr. Rob and Tami explore whether their relationship really is gone for good, or if there’s still hope for recovery. They explain the concept ‘dry drunk’ and why some addicts feel like they’ve got it ‘white knuckle’ their way through recovery instead of surrender and be vulnerable. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] He’s been sober for a

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33:44

If You Can’t Hold on to Hope, Let Someone Else Hold...

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/10/07

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about what to do if you’re feeling hopeless in your recovery. If you are someone who messed up in your marriage or you’re the betrayed partner that’s thinking that the two of you will never recover, don’t lose hope! If you’re feeling low and beaten, ask someone in your support group to hold onto your hope for you. We do recover, and things do get better. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] How do I stop triggers and thoughts from becoming behaviors? [5:15] He rarely offers me comfort. Will he

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34:10

My Addict Keeps Shutting My Emotions Down

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/09/30

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a listener’s question about why her husband in recovery keeps shutting her down when she gets vulnerable or shows emotions. Dr. Rob suspects it might be due to guilt and this is why it makes him uncomfortable. Instead of looking internally at the cause, he tries to shut you down to prevent him from feeling his true emotions. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I’ll make up issues so that I can create distance with my partner. What’s wrong with me? [3:45] It’s better to come back later and be

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27:35

My Addict Blames Me for His Addictions!

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/09/30

Dr. Rob and Tami are not surprised by some people’s behavior, especially when they’re deep in their addiction. A betrayed spouse writes in saying her SA husband does not want to reconcile. He blames her for her monogamy and the feminist agenda for corrupting her and causing him to act out. Can a CSAT help a man like this? Dr. Rob and Tami answer her painful question. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] When can we have sex again? [3:10] Don’t have sex with anyone you don’t trust. [6:10] My SA husband is sexually

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31:20

My Husband Doesn’t Realize He’s an Addict. How Do I...

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/09/15

Dr. Rob and Tami share their thoughts on how to best approach the conversation with your sex addict partner who might be oblivious that they have an addiction. In same-sex male relationships, casual sex is prominent, and it can be very difficult to differentiate between what is a healthy relationship vs. an unhealthy one. Is it even possible? Dr. Rob knows it is and has been the only person to write in-depth on the nuances of these same-sex relationships among sex addicts. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I’ve

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32:19

Every Time I Stop My Addiction, I Have a Panic...

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/09/15

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who has tried to go cold turkey multiple times, but often feels overwhelmed and is unable to handle what life throws at them. Should they slowly weed out their acting out behaviors one at a time, and if so, which ones? Dr. Rob and Tami share their approach and how you can find hope, healing, and a way out through your addictions. TAKEAWAYS: [:40] Does my partner have an addiction? He can go a year before he “relapses” and acts out. [1:35] Did he

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27:51

The Most Destructive Thing in the Relationship is...

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/08/26

Dr. Rob and Tami answer your questions on betrayal and sex addiction. So many addicts feel that if they tell the truth, then their spouse or partner will leave them. They’re afraid that if they truly get to see the real you, they won’t accept you, but Dr. Rob has seen the other side of the coin. He has seen betrayed spouses so hurt and not understand why their addict wasn’t honest with them. They’ve often said that if they had known this was an issue, they’d have stuck by them to work it out with

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25:56

I Am Grateful to Be a Recovering Addict

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/08/18

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why addiction can be the biggest gift you've ever received. It might sound hard to believe, but when Tami finally accepted that she was an addict, it was the first time in her life that people taught her how to function in society. Before that, she had no plan, she was a mess, and there was so much suffering. Today, Tami is grateful to be an addict, people have showed up and believed in her recovery, and she’s able to give that gift to others. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I’m

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29:56

You Have to Make Recovery Fun or Else You Won’t Make It

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/08/15

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a painful question from a listener about whether he should tell his child and relatives about the reason why he and his wife are divorcing after formal disclosure. They also answer whether it makes sense for couples to practice celibacy while in recovery, and share their thoughts on whether an addict has to be in a 12-step program in order to succeed. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My wife wants a divorce and to tell my son the reason why. [3:15] You will traumatize your children if you

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30:41

Your Urges Do Pass! The Discomfort is Only Temporary

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction ·

2022/08/04

Dr. Rob and Tami share their thoughts on what to do if none of your friends or sponsors are picking up the phone in times of crisis. It’s a horrible situation to be in, but the urges do pass. Whatever you do, do not go out that door to go act out. If the people in your life aren’t showing up for you in a way that you need, then go out and find the right sponsor and people for you. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] We signed a commitment letter. He’s broken it. Now what? [10:15] Our children are in therapy. Should

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