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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

1:08:14

Digimon: Digital Monkey

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/10/27

Niki, John and LB leave the Digital World long enough to dissect a new slate of issues facings today's DigiDestined, including sneeze gooning; the unique allure of certain digivolutions; if anyone thinks the body is "made out of metal;" mutants; the latest basketball shirts; how Benjamin Button came out of the pussy; and if you can believe it, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki,

en

1:00:43

EXCLUSIVE: Normal Dick!

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/10/20

LB, Niki and John return to discuss a great number of the "many cool ideas out there," including lemonade mouth, Thelema, snowman fucking logistics, dogs hanging out with ghosts and vice versa, mpreg, Jenny Lewis, and despite the short description this week, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects

en

1:05:00

Here’s a Question I Have About Steroids

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/10/13

While attempting to buy steroids, John, Niki and LB uncover a new kind of crime enabled by Jeff's Big Store. The gang also discusses New Zealand's JPEG license plates, LB's usual Taco Bell order, which TV shows dogs like, velvet paintings, how people feel too safe on the streets these days, what's on the menu at your local A&W, and homie, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John,

en

1:08:01

11 Biting Incidents

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/10/06

LB, Niki and John head back to debate club to relitigate an important argument regarding the Property Brothers and their dicks, in addition to more general discussions regarding our general cultural fear of having our dick pop out during a video call, who lays the best/worst pipe; recycling pool noodles for Halloween costumes; costumes for husbands who are not "down;" President Biden's ACAB dogs; and homie, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating

en

1:24:37

Jeff Daniels the Whole Time

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/09/29

Despite ongoing technical and psychological issues, Niki, LB and John push through the podcasting morass to deliver what is undoubtedly one of the podcast episodes of all time, including discussions of Svengoolie; Niki's wooden dog (not Barley); what happens if you bring anime figures to the Antiques Roadshow; what counts as an orb; the latest Taylor Swift psyop; the top three most famous people in America as of Q2 2023; and because Jordan forced them to keep going, somehow even more. Welcome to If

en

1:00:10

Uber Driver with Bubonic Plague Sucked Me Off????!!?!

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/09/22

LB, John and Niki celebrate one whole year of the show by completely ignoring the milestone, instead focusing on getting the bubonic plague, getting the new vaccy, getting Big Bad Beetlepilled, getting the rats out of LB's car, getting a limb cut off in the Star Wars universe, getting breast implants in high-school, getting a low score on The IQ Test 2, and king, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

en

1:06:25

Niki Sends a Deranged Email to an Accomplished Visual...

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/09/15

John presents Niki and LB with his new plan for monetizing the podcast before topics diverge to other tangential matters, including the dangers of gambling, the idea of a verbal coupon code, the Sealab 2021 theme song, Dildo 101, whether Cathy (comics) and Daria (television) are the same, Niki's groundbreaking new Roku competitor, and by the grace of God, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying

en

56:07

Lost My Vape

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/09/08

50 episodes, baby!! To celebrate our big milestone Niki, John and LB do exactly the same thing as always and discuss multiple issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, including (but not limited to) the major design flaw with couches, putting their hands in garbage disposals, getting the dog washed, overhearing conversations about astrology and the societal disorder said conversations represent, LB's new headband, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

en

1:12:20

Tunnels Is the Vibe When Funerals Is the Vibe

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/09/01

Niki, LB and John reconvene for more of what you have unfortunately come to expect, including discussions on the most relaxing types of crimes; LB's floofy new dragon; everyone's favorite cancelled musical artist; getting a boner during the atomic bomb movie; corn and corn-related topics; stealing sperm; and dude, you have no idea, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and

en

54:51

It Looks Like a Bog Dog

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/08/25

Niki returns from The Land Down Under with a boatload of jpegs and an Oceanic tale for each, regaling LB and merritt with stories of room temperature eggs; what cereal is called over there; the secret history of Melbourne; what President Bill Clinton had two of; regional gummy worm differences; the latest kpop drama; the upsetting mascot of Luna Park Sydney; and mate, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

en

57:22

So You Think We Can Drive

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/08/18

merritt (normal), John (phoning in) and LB (normal) update us all on "the Neuticles situation," in addition to a wide variety of other pressing topics, including (but not limited to) what Yoda would order at Dairy Queen; the simultaneous invention of Dennis the Menace; what the name of our show is; sippin' cream; the worst things we would name a baby; living the mummy lifestyle, and homeslice, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty,

en

1:13:09

8 Kids Bedroom Design

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/08/11

John, merritt and LB waste no time getting to the gooey nougat center of this week's episode, kicking things off with merritt's Big Reveal™ and maintaining that momentum through discussions on whether crack is "cool;" spending time viewing an image; the "bow wow theory;" LB's fun new special interest; being beloved by many people and subjected to many infirmities; tiktoks about packing children into rooms; some late-breaking news at the end; and homie, if you can believe it, somehow even

en

1:08:56

Gordon Ramsay’s Real Ass

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/08/04

On this week's episode LB, merritt and John spend way more time talking about dog testicles than anyone would like, in addition to a number of somehow more palatable topics including all the boat words we know; which boats are "dick boats;" a guy LB met on the street this morning; the source of the wolfman problem; running into Trent Reznor somewhere; the secret gas station candy; toilet drones; and my sweet summer child, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast

en

1:10:03

2023 Hunktears Yaoi Quiz Spectacular

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/07/28

It's time once again for IYDCYE's Annual Yaoi Quiz, where local Yaoi PhD LB Hunktears pits returning champion John Warren against maverick upstart merritt k, in a no-holds-barred battle where the only thing bigger than the stakes are the hands! During the quiz, our panel digests such yaoi-adjacent topics as John's secret ponytail, an IRA but for boning, which big titty MILF is also part of the Egyptian pantheon, LB's 20 Golden Tags, John's sweet new little puppy dog, and friends, somehow even more

en

1:02:20

Cathleen Karate

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/07/21

Longtime friend of the show merritt k joins LB, Niki and John to investigate a number of controversial topics affecting today's Sleepy Americans, including the mystery of how whiskey is made, society's propensity to charge the "wrong crimes," the number of raptors in New York City, how wild the concept of a postcard is, who Howie Mandel is to you and me, new condom shapes, and at one point Niki draws the most deranged-looking horse anyone has ever seen within the totality of extant time. Welcome to

en

1:05:55

“Weird Al” Geria

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/07/14

LB, Niki and John celebrate Bastille Day by discussing Jackie Chan's White Grandpa (American), the life and times of Napoleon, the most dangerous alley in Los Angeles, building a gondola to Dodger's Stadium, cooking on a moving bus, who has the best assess in sports, hitting the pole vaulting pole with your penis bulge on the way over, designing a new and more rewarding kind of heroin, and my sweet little garden gnome, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

en

1:06:20

constitution_final_real.txt

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/07/07

Niki, LB and John are back to tackle some big, big problems facing modern-day Americans, including the drafting of several brand-new constitutional amendments, how an update of the United States Constitution is physically performed, small bubble wrap vs. large bubble wrap, adding sexual encounters as a tracked statistic in the NBA, what the "coolest move" in the Bible was, Jesus' teen years, rolling up to the Gamestop with some scrolls, and my child, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving,

en

1:11:45

Smooth Week 2023

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/30

You've waited an entire year and it's finally time -- Smooth Week is back. Join John, Niki and LB for a deep dive on the true meaning behind Santana's 1999 latin alt rock classic, featuring complex lyrical analysis, contextualized historical research, comparisons between "Smooth" and other important pieces of art (the Mona Lisa, all of Chinese history), a debate on which season is "for fucking," LB's story about getting bitten by a stranger at the Chipotle, and my muñequita, even more. Welcome to If

en

59:30

Erykah Badu Sand Magic

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/23

Welcome to If You’re Gaming, Close Your Eyes, an esports discussion salon where our hosts LB, John and Niki tackle the latest announcements out of Nintendo, along with our review of Grimace's cum; thoughts on the movies Crash and Crash; whether Nic Cage is Italian or not; how familiar fame works; opinions about Goemon (Ganbare ver.); which Pokemon we would smoke; and bb, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

en

1:08:07

The 2023 Corrections & Apologies Episode

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/16

Gimmick Month continues with The 2023 Corrections & Apologies Episode, wherein John, Niki and LB set the record straight on a number of falsehoods and misinformations they perpetrated over the course of the last year (rolling). Gonna be honest, some of these apologies aren't as sincere as I would have probably recommended, but when you make as few mistakes as these hosts do, you gotta take what you can get. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos,

en

158 results

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