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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

55:12

Megan Thee Stiltwalker

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/11/03

In our most SCARETACULAR episode yet, John, merritt and Niki don their festive garb and roam the streets causing mischief. Between egging houses, our trio touches on a number of SCREAMIFYING topics, including the evolution of the Spirit Halloween business model, Dracula's Dulce de Leche Dream, if your hair and nails still grow when you're dead, historical use of cattle prods by Canadian law enforcement, a vampire dog, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a

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1:03:29

Chewbacca Lifespan

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/10/27

merritt, Niki and John spend an hour or so boiling life's issues down to their most distilled, relatable ingredients, and then snort or smoke them. This week's chemical additives include Major League Baseball, lower the ppm microplastic count of your jizz, manuka honey, an installment of Scam Text Theater that is truly one for the books, and if you still have room for dessert, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble

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1:02:36

Sorkin My Peanits

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/10/20

Niki and John welcome merritt back from her Las Vegas vacation(?), and after we find out how much money she lost, the show quickly moves on to other topics, which include (but are not limited to) time share presentations, Scam Text Theater entries from all three hosts(!!!), figuring out a Halloween costume for Niki, the lore of Family Matters, and if you listen closely, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers

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56:40

I Don’t Have to Date the Donut Shop

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/10/13

With merritt aboard the International Gambling Station, local hero Michael Higham joins Niki and John for an extensive, in-depth discussion about dating, car drinks, antimicrobial ping-pong balls, John's friend Ben, people who play Quidditch in real life, and before Niki and Michael have to go to this wedding, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six

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1:02:03

The PLT

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/10/06

Your phone rings. It's an unfamiliar number. The caller ID says "MAYBE: TODD," but can you really be sure? You answer, hoping to hear a familiar voice, and that is indeed what you find, but not in the way you had wanted. All that's waiting for you on the other end is John, merritt and Niki, talking at length about consumer safety, Leo saying the n-word, Canada's secret McDonald's veggie burger, inventing the movie theater of tomorrow, and in ways you're not ready for, so much more.Welcome to If

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52:46

9/11 Never Forget Special 2

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/09/29

What better way to celebrate 150 episodes of whatever the hell this is than by taking a little trip down memory lane? Niki, merritt and John listen to YOUR clips from past episodes and see if they can remember any of them, and afterwards they discuss additional pressing topics such as their mail cadence, Niki's ongoing battle against the City of Los Angeles, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away

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55:00

Decorative Snake, That Was

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/09/22

merritt, Niki and John, convene as a counsel of force ghosts for their regularly-scheduled parliamentary duties, which include determining how many snakes Chewbacca has seen, pulling a gun on Yoda, merritt's serial killer breakfast menu, john's ongoing "applesauce problem," the racist cinnamon stick, new frontiers in love, the man who invented the red clown nose, and according to the docket, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where

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55:37

Sorghum & The Famous Chicken

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/09/15

Niki, John and merritt break bread over a number of meaningful topics affecting today's Sleepy Americans, including "the old ways," musical appliances, real tangible manifest ramificationsfor your performance here, keeping your eye on the foot, a number of sports mascots, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a

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1:02:33

Steak Though? Steak?

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/09/08

John, merritt and Niki reconvene for a fresh round of industry analysis and insight, covering such diverse topics as Fraiser, Mad About You, "fuck-ass Westerns," fluffy toilet lid covers, those 52 plastic-coated little guys, secrets for a successful gambling trip, what you can do with $120, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six

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1:07:25

The Great Canadian-Off

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/09/01

merritt surprises John and Niki with not just a game to play on a mainline episode, but a Canadian game about Canada and its wonderful(?) culture.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky:

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59:35

List of Bean Head Cartoons

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/08/25

With John aboard the International Space Station, merritt and Niki make do by discussing fly fishing penis etiquette, the World Games, "cracking open a warm one," MSNBC's new name, the pre-Gumball era, famous ibexes, and folks? Somehow, against all odds, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k

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57:31

CloneFL

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/08/18

John, merritt and Niki once again attempt to solve the world's most pressing issues, which this week include the cryo lab they have at the zoo, post-war surfing, cow valves, British people singing, the vast potential enabled by time travel, and folks? Somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson,

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59:28

The Sand Eating Competition

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/08/11

With Gimmick Month behind us, and with everyone's ensuing physical and emotional wounds mostly healed, merritt, John and Niki get back to basics with a good ol' fashioned episode of the podcast. What does that mean, exactly? It means talking about slicing burgers like pizza. It means inventing new kinds of state-based restaurant systems. It means investigating the seedy underbelly of competitive eating. It means watching Mr. Beast, and somehow, so much more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your

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1:04:30

Gimmick Month: The Great White Off 2025

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/08/04

Gimmick Month crashes into its shocking and climactic conclusion, as Niki runs merritt and John through a gauntlet of challenges designed to determine just who on this show is the whitest.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art

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1:00:29

Gimmick Month: Candy Week

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/07/28

Gimmick Month continues somehow, with our three heroes navigating Candy Week to the absolute best of their abilities. Perils awaiting them include (but are not limited to) beef tallow Reese's Cups, "the one that most looks like a turd," carbonic acid, the chocolate bar that makes you gay, something called "bridge mixture," and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of

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51:35

Gimmick Month: Oops, Other People's Gimmicks

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/07/21

If you thought Gimmick Month wasn't going to last the whole month, well, that's not a very reasonable assumption! We named it that on purpose! Anyway this week's gimmick is plagiarism. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by

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56:11

Gimmick Month: Quiz Week

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/07/14

Gimmick Month continues with Niki's most devious and unpredictable challenge yet: Quiz Week. Do you know as much about the world as you think you do? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky:

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1:01:39

Gimmick Month: PBS Week

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/07/07

It's July somewhere, and that means it's finally time for Gimmick Month!! Niki has graciously taken point on engineering this year's gimmicks, starting off the 2025 season with PBS Week, which, of course, must include discussion of Little Richard, Fetch with Ruff Ruffman, video games on the roadshow, when you go "to see a thing and one of the people doesn't say anything," and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble

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1:01:23

The Knife Man Commeth

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/30

Longtime best-friend and founding cast member LB Hunktears returns for a special episode full of surprises and adventure, as John, Niki and merritt walk LB through everything they've missed over the last few weeks, including Niki's plan to "do We Are the World again," Bane JNCOs, Frankenstein, the Spaceballs sequel, the latest issue of that AARP magazine Niki gets in the mail for some reason, jelqing, and dude, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported

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1:00:30

Mormon Dentist of Salt Lake City

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/23

John's back from having major reconstructive surgery, so to celebrate Niki and merritt throw him a big welcome home party with all of John's favorite things, including the show Sister Wives, "the autistic character in League of Legends," merritt's new straight jacket, Frank Thomas' Fuck Pills, doing gear, coming up with new rules for America's Favorite Pastime, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip

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