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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

00:53:30

Episode 149: You are Fail Bill

Umpire Pants ·

2020/07/06

Our cousin Christy is here! Bill has a dump follow-up. Mary has been married 50 Years!!! Tune in for her marriage tips! We fantasize about a huge post-pandemic party. Kelley’s unsafe walk story. Mary’s insurance company wants to come assess her and she’s fuming. We ask our guest some pre-written questions: Favorite Golden Girl? What one food would you eat for a month straight? What was the last pre-pandemic thing you did? Kelley’s Hint List! Oil your scissors with your fingers. Remove leaves

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01:04:14

Episode 148: Medicine Woman You Fart

Umpire Pants ·

2020/06/29

We try to force an episode title. Insane Clown Posse talk returns. Portable music players and tapes. We’re watching Problem Child 2 as a family. We have nothing to talk about because we’re still not doing anything. Wear your god damn masks! Bill is going to learn to do a cartwheel. We declare ships in bottles to be “stupid.” Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Indomie Ramen. Creepy comedians. Mary has a list of food she doesn’t like. Shit List of the Week: Chuck Mangione’s Feels So Good. More

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01:01:01

Episode 147: I’m Kelley’s Dumb Brother

Umpire Pants ·

2020/06/22

It’s Party Time. Kelley set off a fire alarm? Father’s Day. Living in weird times. Shou-tout to ICP and Guy Fieri. We, as a nation, should have an extended holiday break in the summer. Reality TV. We’re taking submissions for guests! Email us if you’d like to call in. Kelley’s banking adventures. Mary has random words pop into her head. Jello-Cupcakes. Fast food prices. Mary’s weird food and fork stuff result in a great sound bite. Weightlifting and steroids. Kelley’s Hint List!

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00:59:15

Episode 146: Good On You Son, Thanks

Umpire Pants ·

2020/06/15

Kelley’s cupcake debacle starts the show late and throws off Bill’s intro. Follow-up file: The fire alarm last week was beeping every 30 seconds, for the record. Songs featuring our names (Bill wins this round). Mary watches Mad Dogs now and recommends Trumbo. Bill recommends Top of the Lake and teases Starship Troopers. Describing directions in a confusing way. Are your sheets in style? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: English Muffins. Pizza talk. Minor technical difficulties. Ice Cream Truck

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01:24:34

Episode 145: I’m Here to Watch CHiPs and Eat Chips

Umpire Pants ·

2020/06/08

Bill poops at parks? Bill cuts out again. Bill watched some good Studio Ghibli movies for Felix’s birthday. Some food updates and Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Oatmeal. Mary is drinking golden crisp carbs. More movie recaps. Bill watched Taxi and we agree we love Tony Danza. Mary has a new list of things she doesn’t want to hear us say anymore. Mary gets dangerously close to talking shit about Oprah. Shout-out to everyone protesting the last two weeks! (Break song inspired by

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01:16:35

Episode 144: I thought Bill Called me Memaw

Umpire Pants ·

2020/06/01

Bill has a very squeaky chair today, and there is some major background noise, sorry. Is Bill turning into Mary? He drinks beer out of glasses now and skips meals. Kelley and Mary donated blood and Mary has gripes. Food updates. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Jalapeno Popper Bites. Mary tries to raise her digital hand to talk, and it doesn’t go well. Flatheads are called Jones Heads now. Bill’s fan repair update. Mary can’t believe we don’t send people to space anymore. Industrial

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01:15:42

Episode 143: I’ve Already Been Thinking about Your...

Umpire Pants ·

2020/05/25

Max’s vet adventure. Kelley’s hair cut. Bill drops off for a minute and I don’t edit it out (turns out his recording didn’t cut out, so it’s chaotic for a second). Mary talks commercials. Email from our dad! Mary had a cinnamon roll challenge bake-off. Are we ever going back to offices, and will this be the end of “open concept” layouts? Bill watched an episode of Man About the House (the original British version of Three’s Company). Bill recommends JJ Cale’s music (played at the break).

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01:15:12

Episode 142: Here Be Clyde!

Umpire Pants ·

2020/05/18

Cats on laps. Follow ups from last week. Enduring pop culture. Working from home attire. Mary’s “Rear Window” situation. Names and nicknames. Three’s Company update. RIP Fred Willard. TV shows from 1977 – Were any of them good? Bill is scared of The Incredible Hulk. Hot Ones (wing show). Food updates (and injury updates). (CORRETION CORNER: I said we add peas and carrots to our Curry Tofu, we add peas and potatoes – Kelley). Too much ginger. Free meat. Mary meditates to Who Got the

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01:15:05

Episode 141: Bill Has a Point

Umpire Pants ·

2020/05/11

Wiz Kid William is here with his sister and mom! Kelley bought some Garbage Pail Kids for some reason, so we talk about Cabbage Patch Kids. Puzzles are hard to get right now. Shows that make you feel bad but you watched anyway: Garbage Pail Kids the movie and Inspector Gadget. People driving like maniacs right now. Mary tries Beat You to the Punchline! Mary has car-blindness. New country. What’s inside your butthole? Mary doesn’t want to know. Rhoda. Writing to politicians. Fat guy, giant

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01:10:06

Episode 140: The Beararest

Umpire Pants ·

2020/05/04

Bill’s hanging out with eagles and inviting pandas over. Eating at Sizzler. Cleaning your ficus. Wild children in the neighborhood growing up. Weed candy and regular candy. The Golden Girls and other things to watch. Working Hands lotion. Some major Glover confusion. How are we holding up during lock-down? Giving pets medicine. Bill made a table. Things we saw out the window. Mary burned rice. Home videos. Dazed and Confused. Mary doesn’t like music. Three’s Company vs. Man About the

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01:09:04

Episode 139: Nard’s Your Uncle!

Umpire Pants ·

2020/04/27

Nard Jones and the gang are back! Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Doing stretches. Bill invented a hotdog bed. Remember to start your cars if you’re not driving right now. Bill can’t buy tabs for his vehicles. What are we all eating? Virginia VPN update. Mary talks shit about Corgis. Geese are scary. Break for a very confusing bit by Kelley. Push-up update. Bill’s into senior body builders. Open containers and weed in public. Rants and Raves. Comic strips. Having kids when you’re Tony

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01:03:11

Episode 138: Number One Skinbaby

Umpire Pants ·

2020/04/20

Happy 420 Monday, everyone! We’re here remotely again and I did a bad job taking notes, but here goes… Corona virus and politics. Our new cocaine smuggling plan and weed documentary. Watch McMillions. Mary tries to tell us about an NPR story, but it doesn’t go well. Shopping and walking around in masks. Furbaby shirts for mother’s day. What will Mary cut corners on in the kitchen? Grating cheese. RIP Kenny Rogers. Kelley’s Hint List! Patent leather repeat. Use bluing flakes right in your

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01:09:14

Episode 137: California Taints

Umpire Pants ·

2020/04/13

We’ve got a long boy for you this week. Mr. T Ate My Balls. We get back in to Dave Barry talk, once again. Sorry, we’re a Dave Barry podcast now. Taint talk. Bill’s cat was making a bean bag nest under the stairs. Spiders in the kitchen and bathroom. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Birds singing in the City. Kelley and Mary did some baking. Rough start back from the break. Handwashing and long fingernails. Bill and Mary actually argue about Umpire Pants. Beat You to the Punchline! Mary’s bent

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00:57:30

Episode 136: Designated Turdman

Umpire Pants ·

2020/04/06

The gang’s back together! But remotely, so of course we have to apologize for our audio. We’ll work on our mics before next week. Happy Birthday Bill! Bill’s family got a dog named Max. Bill claims he’s growing a beard. Making face masks at home. Supply chains, and shopping during a pandemic. Garbage and litter. Kelley’s too fragile to watch Tiger King. Movie talk – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Back to the Future III. Kelley moved away from her terrible neighbor but is still taking revenge

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00:35:16

Episode 135: Elevator Full of Old Ladies

Umpire Pants ·

2020/03/30

We’re all socially distancing like good boys and girls, so this week Kelley forces her husband Herman to join the show. We moved to a new apartment with a lot more action out the windows. Shout out to Governer Inslee for doing a good job. We talk about Mary being nuts during our Stay at Home Order. Electric Youth perfume. An episode of Chopped lead to a disturbing search result (BTW, I meant Etsy, not Pinterest during this topic). Kelley’s Hint List! Removing water stains from silk. Keeping

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00:36:06

Episode 134: Best of Collection Part 2!

Umpire Pants ·

2020/03/23

Kelley is moving and Bill is socially distancing like a good boy, so we aren’t recording a new one this week. We didn’t want to leave you high and dry during this difficult time, though, so we’re giving you a new clip show! Please share with your friends who haven’t listened yet, but keep in mind, Kelley put it together, so course it’s full of dick jokes. We hope it brings you a pleasant break and that everyone is holding up okay! XOXO – Mary, Bill & Kelley

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01:05:07

Episode 133: Argh, it’s Peg Dick!

Umpire Pants ·

2020/03/16

Ya’ll ready for Ernst? We recorded this a week ago, so our Corona Virus takes might be very wrong. We need to take a tone deaf test for Mary. Bone Apple Tea situations. Tea Baggin’ (Mary’s favorite segment that she named). Saturday Night Live best cast members. Is everyone capable of murder? How long can Mary keep up a cheerful podcast. Close Encounters, Jurassic Park, and Jaws should all be revisited. Mary and Herman know the weirdest movies. Bill’s Toyota is for sale. Twinkie cereal.

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01:05:36

Episode 132: Three Stooges Style

Umpire Pants ·

2020/03/09

We’re making this podcast a conference call. Bill suggests Cocaine Blues over New Cut Road. The Corona Virus. Three Stooges Style slapping. Seasoning cast iron. A focus group wants to know who Mary would have dinner with, alive or dead. Arby’s talk. Kelley emailed her local politicians. Meeting up with friends without cell phones. Dudley P. Nut vs. Chester P. Nut. Mary needs a witch’s cauldron. Bad jokes. Shit List of the Week: Driving your Lambo too slow. Mary gave strangers

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00:46:49

Episode 131: Huge Ricotta Guilt

Umpire Pants ·

2020/03/02

Bill’s not here today so we’re doing a shorty. The Seattle Monorail. Fire alarms and getting stuck in elevators. Corona Virus and hand washing. New segment alert! Introducing Tea Bagging (Mary named it). Kelley’s springy walk downtown. Mary’s graffiti solution. Mary’s going to lift weights so she can cook. Non-stick cookware and cast iron. Kelley’s Hint List! Fixing scuffed shoes. Paint faded rugs. Removing road oil or axel grease. Use a cold wet rag for waxing floors. Have an expert

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01:05:21

Episode 130: Ernst Thirty

Umpire Pants ·

2020/02/24

Lunchtimes. Lily is here. Bill forgot his catchphrase last week. We talk Rant and Raves from the Seattle Times. Dog-earring pages. Damaging books. Defrosting fridges. We're selling our liberal tears now. Dry skin and lotion. Mary gets grossed out by ear wax, but her earbuds are gross. Things get gross as we talk about grossing each other out. Herman made us cookies using Chic-O-Sticks. We're getting family tattoos of Chester P. Nut. Mr. Peanut and Tide. School parking lot craziness.

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