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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

1:02:19

The First Annual White Off

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/09

Gimmick Month is here!! To kick things off Niki has invented a brand new game called White, White, White, or White, which seeks to determine which of our two white hosts -- LB and John -- is the whitest of the white! What is their relationship to boats? Can either of them name the primary cast of Sex and the City? Has anyone in their respective families ever owned a pickup truck? Find out!! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of

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57:55

Tounge-y Hawk’s Pro Skater

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/02

LB, John and Niki engage in a new series of investigations and queries, including where nasal spray goes, sinus voyeurism, 3D-printing teeth, buying a house via fraud, a free logo that you can buy for $5 for your foots business, the lamp they want you to put your dick in, how many holes there are, a "smart" dental dam, and homie, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our

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55:27

Smeagolwatch

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/05/26

John, LB and Niki take off their weighted training clothes and reach conversational power levels heretofore only theorized during discussions of the new Gollum game, simple machines, whether the sun is "wet," Michael Strahan’s Million Hundred Dollar Pyramid, the new duck in New York, and my sweet, innocent listeners, so much more than you could possibly be ready for.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki,

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1:01:10

CharlLLLLLLston

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/05/19

John, Niki and LB phone in from their field assignments for another mission debriefing with headquarters, including a breakdown of John's latest public wheelchair-related incident, a spoiler-free minute on the new Zelda game, a look at the poster for some new movie about shoes, a discussion on whether blimps count as balloons, a brief consideration of when to tell your dog about Orson Scott Card, and homeslice, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

en

1:01:26

Dream Of Shrimp in the River

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/05/12

Niki, John and LB enter a vast and unknowable dreamscape of possibility, wherein they discuss The Good Doctor, creating jobs in the state of Ohio, how much water ChatGPT uses, dreaming about having an egg in your mouth, ancient dream dictionaries from the 1930s, TikTok cutting board misinformation, and homie, so much more that I am purposefully omitting so as to not spoil the punchline(s). Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

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57:43

What’s at Bank? Fruit.

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/05/05

Fresh off the court, LB, Niki and John dribble through our most basketballsome episode yet, featuring discussions on when large boy catch ball with big hand, which of us LeBron would like the most, why microwaving a cucumber "feels violent," where to find the sickest burn surgeons, thinking up new, more respectful nicknames for Anthony Davis, watching the Mario movie on Twitter, and after the halftime performance, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating

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59:04

Shard on Barble in the Bable Chamber

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/04/28

LB, Niki and John shard on the barble in the bable chamber. There's also a prolonged segment about playing with knives on-air and Jokering the Scrub Daddy, but nobody gets hurt so don't get stressed while listening okay? It's fine. LB has a degree from Knife University so they know what they're doing. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity

en

1:11:19

Which Side Was the Cannon On?

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/04/21

Fresh from the wilds of real life, Niki, LB and John settle in for a rousing discussion of their recent exploits and related topics, including Niki's Grandma's bappy, John's trip to a vile confederate steakhouse/Bass Pro Shop, whether a pyramid is harder to exit than a normal building, that food quiz going around, Christ's involvement in motorsports, eating fish from the LA river, and my darling, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos,

en

1:04:44

Creams Creams Creams Creams Creams Creams

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/04/14

As LB, John and Niki settle in for this season's surgery draft, they also discuss Carrot Top's "buff days," hats that make you look like you had a facelift, modern developments in oral hygiene, the concept of "medical jurisdiction," being the world's leading engineer of things of this nature, defrauding the elderly, stickers on garbage trucks, potentially haunted bananas, and my lil chickadee, so much more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos,

en

1:12:28

Protect Yourself From Becoming

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/04/07

Special guest Colette Arrand joins Niki, LB and John for our most vascular episode yet, discussing last weekend's Wrestlemania event and related issues, including which muscles are the "straight man" ones, Vince's new mustache, the dark secret hidden within the theme from Cheers, how Mario would fair in the UFC, LB's Pixar body count, multiple bad cruise options, and brother, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of

en

59:58

SXSW²: All Dogs Go to Heaven

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/03/31

LB, Niki and John reconvene for one of their furriest recording sessions to date, wherein they discuss performing wrestling moves on dogs, the events of All Dogs Go to Heaven 2, sexy birds, Niki's exciting new tech/multimedia conference, self-driving microphones, what a think tank is/does, an important thought experiment about cranking it, and if you can believe it, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying

en

1:14:33

Rugrats Ego Death

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/03/24

Niki, LB and John reconvene to discuss another week's worth of pressing issues, including everyone's fun new lies, Tom Hanks' filmography, houseboats, what constitutes a "boat movie," LB's great Rick & Morty impressions, changes for a Survivor reboot, Jessica Rabbit, IRL Tommy Pickles, 9/11, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find

en

1:11:54

Dig Doug (Feat. Young Driller)

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/03/17

John, Niki, LB and Texas John gather for their regularly scheduled discussion salon, this week featuring such diverse topics as an XFL game that Niki watched, going to 7-Eleven, how many of those gold boys GDT has, edible arrangements, the creepy porno guy, The Office from TV, and I know this description is shorter than usual but trust me sweetheart, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki,

en

1:10:49

The Ghost Union

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/03/10

Niki, LB and John set a new record for "time until talking about both Shrek and cum" on this week's episode, which also includes discussions of Kitty Softpaws, whether "animals in shoes" is an inherently perverse concept, LB's Megan Traynor theory [Editor's note: I refuse to look up how to spell her name, sorry], whether every movie is a sequel to every previous movie, Niki's sandwich saga, Driveycon travel logistics, and somehow my love, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a

en

1:03:42

1-888-377-3773

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/03/03

Home from his trip to LA, John reunites with Niki and LB to settle some unfinished business from his vacation, including the volume of phone numbers within arm's reach at all times, buying a patio set at Cost Plus World Market, Kenny Loggins' voice acting career, a new rule for the podcast, motorized unicycles for white people, genuine takes re: The Grammy Awards, LB's on-air attempt at buying BTS Suga concert tickets, and sweet-cheeks, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a

en

1:32:53

LIVE From the Cheesecake Factory

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/02/24

John, LB and Niki actually did the damn thing and recorded an episode inside the Cheesecake Factory at The Grove in Los Angeles, California.NOTE FROM LB: "IT'S BEEN OVER 5 HOURS SINCE WE LEFT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY AND I STILL HAVE HEARTBURN. DON'T DO WHAT I DO. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES."Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve

en

1:04:47

Dick & Click's Chicken

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/02/16

oh snap it's a niki editthis week on the podcast we talk about ghost kitchens, city buses, and something else (even though i just finished editing the episode i don't remember). but it's a really good one i promise. give it a listen! tell your friends about the podcasti made a bitly link so you can just give your friends a jumble of letters to get to the show: bit.ly/iydcye Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

en

52:26

Way to Go, Jinger

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/02/10

LB, Niki and John combine their energy to produce almost two whole people's worth of podcasting ability, which they use to discuss having "the" doctor's appointment, KTLA's intellectual property theft from John and Niki, the Obamas not thinking "big enough," if the First Lady should be forced to host a television program, the Daytime Emmy awards, the current state of reality television on TLC, and sweetheart, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating

en

1:00:23

Shrek's Constitutional Rights

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/02/03

With our producer Jordo in the icy hell of Texas' privatized energy grid, your hosts were free to bully each other, discuss NASCAR's Clash at the Coliseum, investigate the legal implications of Shrek, and explore the "worst fandom in history" bracket. [Update: Jordo is back from hell and has replaced the original upload with a properly mixed version. If you heard the first MP3, congratulations!]Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder

en

1:14:29

Shriek the Screaming Skeleton

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/01/27

Niki, John and LB experience true ego death within the bowels of "Design Toscano," where they discuss what a snifter is, whether Jesus will fit in the carry-on luggage, life after death, home furnishings available in "human bone finish," buck-naked Father Christmas, a multitude of sexy sculptures for your home or office, where "on the face does the face stop," temple maidens, and darling, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos,

en

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