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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

54:51

It Looks Like a Bog Dog

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/08/25

Niki returns from The Land Down Under with a boatload of jpegs and an Oceanic tale for each, regaling LB and merritt with stories of room temperature eggs; what cereal is called over there; the secret history of Melbourne; what President Bill Clinton had two of; regional gummy worm differences; the latest kpop drama; the upsetting mascot of Luna Park Sydney; and mate, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

en

57:22

So You Think We Can Drive

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/08/18

merritt (normal), John (phoning in) and LB (normal) update us all on "the Neuticles situation," in addition to a wide variety of other pressing topics, including (but not limited to) what Yoda would order at Dairy Queen; the simultaneous invention of Dennis the Menace; what the name of our show is; sippin' cream; the worst things we would name a baby; living the mummy lifestyle, and homeslice, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty,

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1:13:09

8 Kids Bedroom Design

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/08/11

John, merritt and LB waste no time getting to the gooey nougat center of this week's episode, kicking things off with merritt's Big Reveal™ and maintaining that momentum through discussions on whether crack is "cool;" spending time viewing an image; the "bow wow theory;" LB's fun new special interest; being beloved by many people and subjected to many infirmities; tiktoks about packing children into rooms; some late-breaking news at the end; and homie, if you can believe it, somehow even

en

1:08:56

Gordon Ramsay’s Real Ass

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/08/04

On this week's episode LB, merritt and John spend way more time talking about dog testicles than anyone would like, in addition to a number of somehow more palatable topics including all the boat words we know; which boats are "dick boats;" a guy LB met on the street this morning; the source of the wolfman problem; running into Trent Reznor somewhere; the secret gas station candy; toilet drones; and my sweet summer child, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast

en

1:10:03

2023 Hunktears Yaoi Quiz Spectacular

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/07/28

It's time once again for IYDCYE's Annual Yaoi Quiz, where local Yaoi PhD LB Hunktears pits returning champion John Warren against maverick upstart merritt k, in a no-holds-barred battle where the only thing bigger than the stakes are the hands! During the quiz, our panel digests such yaoi-adjacent topics as John's secret ponytail, an IRA but for boning, which big titty MILF is also part of the Egyptian pantheon, LB's 20 Golden Tags, John's sweet new little puppy dog, and friends, somehow even more

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1:02:20

Cathleen Karate

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/07/21

Longtime friend of the show merritt k joins LB, Niki and John to investigate a number of controversial topics affecting today's Sleepy Americans, including the mystery of how whiskey is made, society's propensity to charge the "wrong crimes," the number of raptors in New York City, how wild the concept of a postcard is, who Howie Mandel is to you and me, new condom shapes, and at one point Niki draws the most deranged-looking horse anyone has ever seen within the totality of extant time. Welcome to

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1:05:55

“Weird Al” Geria

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/07/14

LB, Niki and John celebrate Bastille Day by discussing Jackie Chan's White Grandpa (American), the life and times of Napoleon, the most dangerous alley in Los Angeles, building a gondola to Dodger's Stadium, cooking on a moving bus, who has the best assess in sports, hitting the pole vaulting pole with your penis bulge on the way over, designing a new and more rewarding kind of heroin, and my sweet little garden gnome, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

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1:06:20

constitution_final_real.txt

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/07/07

Niki, LB and John are back to tackle some big, big problems facing modern-day Americans, including the drafting of several brand-new constitutional amendments, how an update of the United States Constitution is physically performed, small bubble wrap vs. large bubble wrap, adding sexual encounters as a tracked statistic in the NBA, what the "coolest move" in the Bible was, Jesus' teen years, rolling up to the Gamestop with some scrolls, and my child, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving,

en

1:11:45

Smooth Week 2023

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/30

You've waited an entire year and it's finally time -- Smooth Week is back. Join John, Niki and LB for a deep dive on the true meaning behind Santana's 1999 latin alt rock classic, featuring complex lyrical analysis, contextualized historical research, comparisons between "Smooth" and other important pieces of art (the Mona Lisa, all of Chinese history), a debate on which season is "for fucking," LB's story about getting bitten by a stranger at the Chipotle, and my muñequita, even more. Welcome to If

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59:30

Erykah Badu Sand Magic

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/23

Welcome to If You’re Gaming, Close Your Eyes, an esports discussion salon where our hosts LB, John and Niki tackle the latest announcements out of Nintendo, along with our review of Grimace's cum; thoughts on the movies Crash and Crash; whether Nic Cage is Italian or not; how familiar fame works; opinions about Goemon (Ganbare ver.); which Pokemon we would smoke; and bb, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

en

1:08:07

The 2023 Corrections & Apologies Episode

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/16

Gimmick Month continues with The 2023 Corrections & Apologies Episode, wherein John, Niki and LB set the record straight on a number of falsehoods and misinformations they perpetrated over the course of the last year (rolling). Gonna be honest, some of these apologies aren't as sincere as I would have probably recommended, but when you make as few mistakes as these hosts do, you gotta take what you can get. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos,

en

1:02:19

The First Annual White Off

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/09

Gimmick Month is here!! To kick things off Niki has invented a brand new game called White, White, White, or White, which seeks to determine which of our two white hosts -- LB and John -- is the whitest of the white! What is their relationship to boats? Can either of them name the primary cast of Sex and the City? Has anyone in their respective families ever owned a pickup truck? Find out!! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of

en

57:55

Tounge-y Hawk’s Pro Skater

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/06/02

LB, John and Niki engage in a new series of investigations and queries, including where nasal spray goes, sinus voyeurism, 3D-printing teeth, buying a house via fraud, a free logo that you can buy for $5 for your foots business, the lamp they want you to put your dick in, how many holes there are, a "smart" dental dam, and homie, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our

en

55:27

Smeagolwatch

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/05/26

John, LB and Niki take off their weighted training clothes and reach conversational power levels heretofore only theorized during discussions of the new Gollum game, simple machines, whether the sun is "wet," Michael Strahan’s Million Hundred Dollar Pyramid, the new duck in New York, and my sweet, innocent listeners, so much more than you could possibly be ready for.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki,

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1:01:10

CharlLLLLLLston

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/05/19

John, Niki and LB phone in from their field assignments for another mission debriefing with headquarters, including a breakdown of John's latest public wheelchair-related incident, a spoiler-free minute on the new Zelda game, a look at the poster for some new movie about shoes, a discussion on whether blimps count as balloons, a brief consideration of when to tell your dog about Orson Scott Card, and homeslice, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

en

1:01:26

Dream Of Shrimp in the River

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/05/12

Niki, John and LB enter a vast and unknowable dreamscape of possibility, wherein they discuss The Good Doctor, creating jobs in the state of Ohio, how much water ChatGPT uses, dreaming about having an egg in your mouth, ancient dream dictionaries from the 1930s, TikTok cutting board misinformation, and homie, so much more that I am purposefully omitting so as to not spoil the punchline(s). Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

en

57:43

What’s at Bank? Fruit.

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/05/05

Fresh off the court, LB, Niki and John dribble through our most basketballsome episode yet, featuring discussions on when large boy catch ball with big hand, which of us LeBron would like the most, why microwaving a cucumber "feels violent," where to find the sickest burn surgeons, thinking up new, more respectful nicknames for Anthony Davis, watching the Mario movie on Twitter, and after the halftime performance, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating

en

59:04

Shard on Barble in the Bable Chamber

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/04/28

LB, Niki and John shard on the barble in the bable chamber. There's also a prolonged segment about playing with knives on-air and Jokering the Scrub Daddy, but nobody gets hurt so don't get stressed while listening okay? It's fine. LB has a degree from Knife University so they know what they're doing. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity

en

1:11:19

Which Side Was the Cannon On?

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/04/21

Fresh from the wilds of real life, Niki, LB and John settle in for a rousing discussion of their recent exploits and related topics, including Niki's Grandma's bappy, John's trip to a vile confederate steakhouse/Bass Pro Shop, whether a pyramid is harder to exit than a normal building, that food quiz going around, Christ's involvement in motorsports, eating fish from the LA river, and my darling, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos,

en

1:04:44

Creams Creams Creams Creams Creams Creams

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/04/14

As LB, John and Niki settle in for this season's surgery draft, they also discuss Carrot Top's "buff days," hats that make you look like you had a facelift, modern developments in oral hygiene, the concept of "medical jurisdiction," being the world's leading engineer of things of this nature, defrauding the elderly, stickers on garbage trucks, potentially haunted bananas, and my lil chickadee, so much more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos,

en

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