x

75% of people globally want unbiased news (Pew Research) but are concerned they're not getting that.

Get balanced coverage with Symby. See how stories are covered across diverse outlets and spot when one side covers a story the other skips.

PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

01:06:00

Episode 129: Wine Based Garbage Can Beverage

Umpire Pants ·

2020/02/17

Van Morrison vs. Van Halen. Superbowl Halftime. Arnold Palmers. Mary tries to buy a Real Change. Old movies. Doughboys Podcast update. Click-bait websites. We should force old male comics into retirement. Bill has a Ned Flanders neighbor. Kelley’s elevator issues. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: English Muffin Pizzas. [I had to cut out a few seconds coming back from the break, there was a weird glitch there.] Bill recaps some Carnac jokes from Johnny Carson. Mary gets mad when we suggest she

en

01:06:21

Episode 128: Ammonia’s Fine, You Can Eat It

Umpire Pants ·

2020/02/10

Bill and Kelley are going to see the Doughboys. Ezelle’s Chicken. KFC. Getting kicked out of diners and fender benders. Kelley’s not a gravy gal. Adding rosemary to berries is great, guys. Mary’s claiming we’re doing the waffle challenge still. Local flooding and dumb rich people. Nextdoor. Singing in the Rain. The downtown waterfront smells like farts right now. Kelley has a blazer update. Jumpsuits and catalogs. Kelley’s comfy clothing quest. Thrift store shopping. Kelley spills a

en

01:05:27

Episode 127: Cosmic Crips Bapples

Umpire Pants ·

2020/02/03

We're calling 2020 Score Score now. High fevers. Legalizing drugs. Seattle got rid of library fines. Mary's pissed she had to change her Netflix password. Kelley's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Mary thinks locking her door is hard. Smoke alarms and vent hoods. Mary's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Old dude carefully curating his grapes at the grocery store. Shout out to the striking medical workers in Seattle – and don't cross picket lines! Three-packs of porno

en

01:05:03

Episode 126: PG Chodehouse

Umpire Pants ·

2020/01/27

Please read the warning at the end before finishing this episode. Throat noises and George Carlin. Mary is high again. Richard Pryor and old comedy. Airplane food and snacks. Wearing shoes indoors. Wearing sweatpants instead of jeans, to be fancy. The pains of wearing glasses and why Google sucks now. American health insurance. Tooth repairs and getting faint. Seattle Times segment – Rant and Rave and Comments Section. Bill's embarrassing yoga story (it's NOT farts, guys). W.C. Fields

en

01:01:12

Episode 125: Picture it Moving

Umpire Pants ·

2020/01/20

Bill’s back! Fruitcake update: Kelley was right. Cheap bulk candy. Old Redmond. Porn theaters and mags. Snow in the PNW. Mary hates goats and likes dogs in shoes. Bad Plastic Packaging Segment: Putting your bag of carrots in a bag and legal weed packaging. Mary’s going to start asking people “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Hack jokes. Bad TV. We’re Turtle Penis now. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Bobby Flay whips his egg whites for waffles. Low-rise jeans

en

00:49:01

Episode 124: These are Not Normal Size, Give Me Some...

Umpire Pants ·

2020/01/13

This track didn't change, I just fixed the title! It's a Kelley & Mary show! And the show notes did not make it with onto my thumb drive for uploading the show. We talked about couches, balls, the royal family, and some other stuff, then ended the show with Kelley's Hint List. Umpire Pants Out!

en

01:08:29

Episode 123: We Don’t Use the Word Weiner

Umpire Pants ·

2020/01/06

It’s our Taking of the Pelham 123 episode. Was Walter Matthau ever hot? (Today’s show pic.) Everyone listen to Hoyt Axton. Kelley’s couch problem. Mary has a coughing fit and her children aren’t very sympathetic. Ikea shopping. Hotdogs vs. wieners. Grizzly Adams was a real guy, you guys. Dave Barry, again. Pictionary challenge. LED lights and starting seeds. Beat You to the Punchline. Kelley’s Hint List! Rotate your floor coverings. Bill tried vacuuming his rugs diagonally, and it went

en

01:04:45

Episode 122: Are You Trying to Say Billfold?

Umpire Pants ·

2019/12/30

Bill ruins the illusion about our recording time. Napping habits. Bad plastic packaging of the week. Recycling. Mary’s Costco story. The softer side of Sears campaign. Mary’s trying to pretend she’s not high. Mary lays down some ranching rules and guidelines. We read a good Seattle Times comment. Kelley passes on a very gross story. Horror movies. Bill loves CHiPs, Kelley loves Banacek, and Mary thinks she loves Miami Vice. Chaperoning the Ski Bus. Kelley’s Hint List! Make your own

en

01:05:10

Episode 121: Fish Dicks

Umpire Pants ·

2019/12/23

It’s a rainy one here in Seattle, folks! Mary had a bad attitude about a free hotel stay. Bad plastic packaging. We name our future banana tarantula. We have an email from the other side of the waffle/egg white aisle, and now we have to have a waffle-off. Mary breaks down her non-love of pitbull. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Winter Solstice – Days are getting longer. Classic country. Bill’s got a great Nextdoor message to read. Shock talk. Beat You to the Punchline! Using English muffins as

en

01:06:08

Episode 120: Does the Rural Juror Live on Drury Lane?

Umpire Pants ·

2019/12/16

We’re off to a rough start. Mary’s love of AM/PM hamburgers. The Mariners should do Hibachi Night to boost attendance. Mary still hates Saturday Night Live. Everyone listen to Til Death do us Blart. We need to watch Judge Dread. Our family does not know The Muffin Man. Pitbull talk. Radio commercials are still terrible. Mary is trying to claim she hasn’t seen The Grinch who Stole Christmas before. Tires and tire stores. Pinesol and Listerine cure all. Kelley’s Hint List! Removing

en

01:02:33

Episode 119: Don’t You Have a Lard Spot in Your...

Umpire Pants ·

2019/12/09

Bill’s back! Waffle update – Bill doesn’t think you need to fold in egg whites. “If it has more than one part, it’s a machine.” Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Pie French Toast. Pizza Talk with Doug and Jim. Kelley likes mist on her eyeballs #weteyes. The Space Needle no longer has a restaurant. Bill’s next birthday is 4/4/2020 and he’s getting extra high. What’s the worst plastic packaging? Beat You to the Punchline! Kelley’s Hint List! Removing auto grease. Give your veils new life

en

00:47:11

Episode 118: Stunned by My Deviled Eggs

Umpire Pants ·

2019/12/02

Mary and Kelley are here, and they are not doing a great job podcasting. Christmas cookies. Junior Mint follow-up. Shit Truck of the Week: Black Friday. Mary’s running an apothecary, and has an interesting fact about sarsaparilla. Demolition Man review. Is Mary going to start calling her legs Happy Stumps? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Reverend Al’s Shrub drink. Kelley’s Hint List: Removing adhesive tape marks. Sweetening your coffee and iced tea. Folding your napkins and tablecloths for

en

01:06:17

117: Stretch Out Your Meat

Umpire Pants ·

2019/11/26

Kelley was sick today but Bill went to Mary's and recorded anyway. You know what that means: bad sound quality! Too much serious talk! Bill didn't listen to the episode before he uploaded it! The title is something Bill thinks he remembers saying but isn't positive! P.S. This one's a day late because I edited and uploaded it, then didn't click OK or Save or whatever. I'm killin' it over here!

en

01:06:34

Episode 116: Our Monkey Mermaid Speaking Circle

Umpire Pants ·

2019/11/18

Felix starts off the show creeping out the neighbors. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Stroganoff (Bill's going with Chicken, not beef). Taco Bell. Corporate donations. We don’t understand soccer, and Kelley is wildly confused by the formatting of hours and minutes in the game. Bill, Felix and Lily gang up on Kelley to gross her out with poo talk. Kelley’s going to start asking people if they need directions, and Bill and Lily think this requires a stinky costume. Street scams. Beat You to the

en

01:05:26

Episode 115: It’s One or the Other Boys

Umpire Pants ·

2019/11/11

We’re recording at Mary’s condo without Mary, and for some reason it smells like weed. Eating with braces. Coffee grinder update from Bill – it’s Braun brand, guys. Diskmans and cassettes. It’s dark in Seattle. Mary’s choice of lunch bag for the airplane. Kelley saw snakes and baby monkeys in Costa Rica. (Note – I remembered the reason they said they don’t release the snakes raised for anti-venom is that they can have bacteria that can harm wild snakes.) Ice Cream Truck of the Week:

en

01:04:57

Episode 114: Rub a Slug on a Bong

Umpire Pants ·

2019/11/04

Mary comes in hot, and by hot we mean high. Jaywalking and Seattle’s terrible traffic. Mary thought Patton Oswalt was two guys, Pat and Owswalt. Preliminary Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Zach Galifinakas’ Live at the Purple Onion show. Bill hates Dr. Seuss. Trashy novels. Scams and grafters. Bill loves Designing Women. Sales pitches. Camping. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Bill’s long-lasting Krupps coffee grinder. Shit List of the Week: Take-out containers and packaging. Beat Me to the

en

01:03:09

Episode 113-58: I Love Pumpkins to a Degree that is...

Umpire Pants ·

2019/10/28

Kelley's out of town, so we're re-running Episode 58 - an instant classic! Show pic this time is a pumpkin by Kelley. It's our Halloween episode, Bill got a sound board, Mary doesn't like Halloween, yo-yo routine scarecrow, Mary gets a phone call, turds, people not liking you, parties, bobbing for apples, costumes, Blues Brothers, gypsy (roma), wizard, princess, topical costumes, clown, food coloring face, candy, cat costume, pumpkins, we have a breakthrough, contest, Best of So Far, soup, souvenir,

en

01:03:35

Episode 113: Nuts High by the Fourth of July

Umpire Pants ·

2019/10/21

Which 3 Stooges guy are we? Smart Kids classes. Horses. Cyber bullying. Correction, Lowell George and Lol Cream clarification. Bill had a weird day. We’re re-releasing last year’s Halloween episode, but don’t get sad, we’ll be back soon. Mary’s going to small claims court. Bill mansplains Starwars Jizz. We don’t have attention spans anymore. Ikea meatballs and exotic meats. Kelley wants to die at an ostrich’s hand. Foods you didn’t like until you tried them again. Pudding talk. Shit

en

01:10:20

Episode 112: Zipped Up My Molasses Cookies

Umpire Pants ·

2019/10/14

It’s one for the 12s. Bill’s office has no AC, and it’s getting stinky. Mushrooms and mushroom hunting. Cat update. Bill has a new podcasting sweat suit. We’ve changed up our format a bit. Jean Hackman (was not on 30 Rock it turns out). Our 95 year old Aunt Mary just learned anyone can put anything on the internet. Koko the gorilla and All Ball. Musicals and the Parent’s Guide’s over-reaction to Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Marching band music. Ice Cream Truck of Week: Candy Corn. (I

en

01:05:53

Episode 111: You Ever Put on Wet Jeans?

Umpire Pants ·

2019/10/07

Germaphobes in our family. Mouse balls. Dumb joke formats. Using LOL. Mary’s texting skills. Snow days. Words for rain and snow. Calling hot links donkey dicks. Small cake hint follow-up. Mary and Kelley went on a road trip. Beat You to the Punchline! The XFL. Shit List of the Week: Mary derailing the podcast and improper use of the word legit. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Season. Giving directions when you don’t know street names. Kelley’s Hint List! Washing stockings.

en

278 results

Similar Podcasts

射後不理＃爽就好了

咪咪 & 淳淳

Therapy Gecko

iHeartPodcasts

百靈果 News

Bailingguo News

Old Time Radio Comedy

solgoodmedia.com

The Hard Yarns Podcast

Cameron Branch and Daniel Delby