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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

1:22:05

Snorkleman

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/01/20

John, LB and Niki bring a new set of issues to the table for discussion, including what qualifies as a broken bone, the film Risky Business, Don Cheadle's unsullied innocence, a special deal for new advertisers, how Jesus Christ figures into the whole alpha/beta/sigma thing, more than a decade's worth of forum posts about the cheesecake aboard Carnival cruises, and darling, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of

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59:42

Wizard of Monty Christo

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/01/13

Niki, LB and John settle in for an afternoon chill sesh, during which they: evangelize the gamification of the Catholic Church; discuss the possibilities opened up by the death of non-compete agreements; take a brief sojourn to the realm of artificial intelligence; investigate various objects with their senses; determine their personal The Picture of Dorian Gray-esque cursed objects; remember getting stuck out in public with your typewriter; and sweetheart, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving,

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1:19:02

Also Zack Zathura

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/01/06

John, Niki and LB are back from break and positively bursting with a rejuvenated vigor for podcasting, which they immediately put to use discussing the perks of being LB's best friend, Niki's new hobby buying coins off the TV, a LOT of talk about erectile dysfunction commercials, where Dr. Pepper comes from, LB and Niki's New Year's Resolutions, "the Instagram showerhead," the specs for our first automobile, a new yaoi quiz, and honey buns, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your

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1:01:30

Avatar 4: Grohm Jabar

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/12/16

John subjects LB and Niki to a game show of his own design entitled What Happened in 2009?, which is exactly what it sounds like. This causes our intrepid trio to discuss the Avatar pentalogy, what kinds of shoes people wore on the Titanic (if any), bad question design, Balloon Boy, a very unorthodox use for a screwdriver, and kitten, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our

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1:14:15

Chegg, Cregg, Gregg or Pegg

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/12/09

John, Niki and LB return to the content mines to trudge up a fresh batch of insightful and witty conversations about prescient topics affecting modern society, including Niki's fun new game show, whether Huey Lewis is on Cameo, LB's fun new game show, John's fun new game show, everyone's favorite Price is Right games, dark dating show concepts, shooting four epic guns (perfect for families), the menu at Sapphire Las Vegas Pool Party Grill, and you bet your sweet bippy, even more.Welcome to If You're

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1:06:02

Education City and Niki Grayson Birthday Special

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/12/02

It's Niki's bappy!! To celebrate, the gang returns to their ancestral birthplace, Education City, Qatar, for a regal symposium focusing on such diverse topics as procedural television shows, holographic airport women, the World Cup, DILF-era Bill Goldberg, Niki's ongoing malpractice issues, streaming from the airport, the latest Official Enemy of the Show declaration, and baby, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

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58:07

Ask Your Dickensian Girlfriend Anything!

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/11/25

It's Black Friday here in the ol' US of A, and to mark this bleak occasion the Niki, LB and John discuss a wide range of unrelated topics, including Niki's new obsession with "miniature airplanes," digging a hole with Joe Biden, what days they have in Japan, the time a guy hit John in the face with his own cane, buying porn at the airport, how to start conversations with girl, how to start conversations with guy, and my sweet summer child, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a

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56:27

Palm Desert Boguscon

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/11/18

Niki, LB and John reconvene to navigate another week's worth of life's treacherous roadways, including who the next wave of biopics will focus on, starting a Patreon for the United States Armed Forces, LB's Xbox account, Jay Jay the Jet Plane, our Lord Jesus Christ, a show called "Mr. Bogus" that John watched as a kid, the importance of heating a pastry, and I swear to God, even more. Support merritt's book!! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty,

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1:11:59

Twitter Memorial Special

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/11/11

John, LB and Niki gather here today to pay tribute to one of the best/worst websites of all time, Twitter dot com, which is dead now. The gang also discusses where we should all go next, the best-ever day on Twitter, everyone's favorite tweets, a scam to become land owners in Scotland, "man's unpaid obligation to hardworking bees," the Criagslist forum dedicated to haiku, and I swear to God, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and

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1:10:48

Prenatal Pasta Sauce

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/11/04

This week LB, Niki and John advise opening your third eye (while keeping your first two closed, of course), and also discuss other important topics facing today's Sleepy Americans™, including if the primordial soup was the original wassail, why we've never seen a dracula with an eyepatch, the pervert's place in the community, oranges from Australia, Tumblr's new content guidelines, podracing, and somehow, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the

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12:18

Trailer

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/10/28

This is If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a comedy podcast that we think you'll love. In this trailer (which is not sponsored by McDonald's) we talk about McDonald's, Carl Weathers, John getting fired, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a

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47:45

The Royal You

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/10/28

Niki, LB and John are back and sleepier than ever, with John a little loopy from his vaccine cocktail and Niki more in need of medical attention than ever. Meanwhile, the gang shows off their knowledge of Scandinavian geography, LB and Niki compare sleep study results, John details his trip to the vaccine clinic, LB orders McDonald's live (not sponsored), and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying

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1:17:26

The Monster Times

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/10/21

Happy spooky season, Drivers! LB finally gets the scary episode they've wanted out of John and Niki, who discuss election fraud (not like that), the Lord Jesus, Vanilla Ice's birthday, LB's fear of rats, salt guns, Rambo facts, John's undying love for Tom Cruise, and his fear of what might happen if he doesn't close the garage door in time.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer

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1:12:41

Alexa, I’m Ready To Whac Off

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/10/14

Niki, LB and John perform a dark ritual to summon their first special guest, merritt k (twitter.com/merrittk), after which Niki has a "mayonnaise question," John tells a story about an attempted murder he survived as a child, we all chill with our homie Eduardo and merritt describes an escalating cavalcade of jpegs from the Hammacher Schlemmer website.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and

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1:13:53

The Hopping At Picnic Time

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/10/07

In this episode: the fishing cheating controversy, Niki's new plan for electoral democracy, LB's new plan for healthcare, and more. We made a lot of claims about Colton Burpo and chess on this episode so we're sorry if we said anything that was wrong. Please let us know if you can get us a line on John Cena's rates for sack racing assistance.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our

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1:10:45

The Ass Punt

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/10/07

HONK HONK! In this episode, Producer Jordo guides our hosts into a strange and fascinating world. A tiny world, a 1/24 scale world. Of truckers. JPEG-description fans rejoice and settle in for nearly a full hour of audio imagery. Also: Mad Libs, the bachelorette section, and literacy.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve

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1:24:42

PP Loan

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/10/07

What would the shared mind palace of our hosts look like? A mall, that's what. In this one, our three intrepid travelers decide what would go in their shared mental mall. How big is the Cheesecake Factory? How many pianos are there? Also: What is a "Rick Caruso podcast indulgence"? How would you spend PP Loan? What are you doing at the BDub3's? How many incorrect facts does LB say about their own religion? Listen and find out.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating

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1:09:16

The Double Punch

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2022/10/07

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. What happen if you reboot Wheel today? On the first ever episode of If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, hosts Niki, LB, and John talk about Spindrift, Mount Vernon, and the

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