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1:13:04

The Ice Pirates - Don't pirate the movie

2021/03/02

Perhaps it was your favorite movie when you were 9. Maybe you should watch it again as an adult - it might still be your favorite movie. Some movies that have production failures on the level ofThe Ice Pirates go into the barrel of cinematic toxic waste. The list is so long that we have only started to scratch the surface of such turds. YetThe Ice Pirates is a spectacle. Its failures never detract from what it was attempting to be and accomplish. Usually when you have a Hall of Fame worthy film,

1:27:26

Steel Dawn - Where does all the meat come from?

2021/02/17

Its a straight-up western, but because its from 1987 it has to be set in a post-apocalyptic world and instead of cowboy hats, we get hair-spray helmets. Despite everything there might be a good movie buried in the sands. So its Shane, Once upon in the West, Star Wars and Fallout 4. Ok, maybe Fallout 4 is Steel Dawn. Clearly, Fallout 76 is Steel Dawn. Anyways, this is a hot mess. The music doesn't fit. The world doesn't make any damn sense. The plot doesn't make much sense. The hair makes no sense

1:13:14

Krull - Gun Swords, NOPE!

2021/02/10

Its one of those iconic 80's swords and sandals/science fiction blend movies and beloved by many. We can understand why, but this was a massive failure that likely cost the genre decades of great movies until the LOTR Trilogy. So Krull is one of the most expensive movies of the 80s and fails on so many levels. You've got the classic inaction in action (nothing happens during action sequences), the choreography was done by Stevie Wonder, and the effects and sets are so overly impossible to do that

1:19:22

Night Hunter - How vampires went extinct

2021/02/01

It ain't Blade. It's 90s Anne Rice with unattractive people and inept opponents. And it all could have been avoided by drinking tea together. At least everyone is evenly matched. Don's Jack Cutter is way ill equipped and ill prepared to be taking down even lower level vampires. Guns don't work, bud. A sword seriously would have been cheaper and more effective than his shotgun and M1911s. Or a hammer. Use a damn hammer! Why a hammer against vampires? Because the vampires have spines that are made of

1:22:03

Messenger of Death - BLOOD FEUD!!!!!!!

2021/01/26

Charlie Bronson goes to Colorado to deal with that same ol' blood feud when two Mormon bros. branch out into some pretty wild dogma all while Charlie walks around and does some really bad reporting. Bronson's Smith is arguably the worst reporter I've ever seen (Chris Cilliza at least says something even if its moronic) and I don't understand how anything happens in this film around him. We've got your classic idiot plot here. The villains yell out "Hey it's us, look at us! We're the water company

1:13:46

Squeeze Play - Its a pickle

2021/01/20

A town of MAGA boys get a parade each time they win a baseball game and the ladies have had enough of their bull. Sadly, their anger lasts about 24 hours. This is why we can't get anything done in this country. According to Lloyd Kaufman, this is a women's liberation movie. I think he might have decided that way after the fact and the ties to women's lib are behind boobie movie king, Andy Sidaris saying the same thing. Sure, its got women in leads who want to be treated equally to men, but these

1:12:16

Joysticks - The Friar Tuck addiction story

2021/01/13

Totally awesome video game! Jeff tries to save the community center that doubles as a video arcade with the help from his friends against the dubiously motivated Joe Don Baker who wants to shut it all down. Will Billy Jack win the ski competition to save the school from the rival break-dancers? Joysticks is arguably Greydon Clark's magnum opus. Its all of it. He threw every cheesy bad movie trope he could think of. Amazingly bad/awesome theme song? Check. Not so subtle phallic worship? Check. A

1:44:17

Reindeer Games - Rudy finds his nose

2020/12/22

Its twists! Its turns! Its lefts and rights! Its yields to oncoming traffics. Its Acme Fake Tunnels slapped onto the side of a cliffs! Ben Afllecks and Charlizes try to give us a shocker and instead we get the upper decker. Reindeer Games is such a pile of mess. On one side you've got "that friend" that watches this on TNT one night (usually while wishing they were invited to the party you're throwing but you intentionally didn't because they can't play in any reindeer games, OMG you're a total

1:41:45

Christmas Twister - Wind Spans and Weather Speeds

2020/12/15

Nothing says Xmas like a handful of spinning tornados. And nothing makes less of a Christmas movie than just sprinkling in some Christmas decorations in post. I mean at least have the tornado suck up a tree farm or something! Well, it's not good. That's it, I'll take my leave of you. Oh, I actually have to write up a review? Damn. While it has the production quality of a SyFy movie, it exceeds past anything The Asylum can do. Part of that comes from Casper Van Dien. CVD has this unique ability to

1:27:27

Santa's Summer House - Santa kidnaps karate people

2020/12/09

David DeCouteau gives us a clinic on how to make a terrible movie in 2 days. Yeah it stinks, but hey! Two days! Suck it, Spielberg! Gary Daniels, Cynthia Rothrock, Kathy Long and Daniel Bernhardt give us the least action packed movie of all time. Yes you read that right. There is a total count of 0 spin kicks. 0 double axe handles. 0 flying leap kicks to the tummy. Literally there is 0 action. You pulled a big one on us David, you got us. LOL. Haha. We've all had a good laugh now, but so can you

1:08:46

The Cartier Affair - As good as Grape Nuts

2020/12/01

The Hoff and Joan Collins find love and trouble in a plot to steal all her stuff. Can Curt Taylor find a way to save her career, her belongings, his own life and stop Kojak from further living in up in Club Feb? You tell us - cause we couldn't be bothered to pay attention. The Cartier Affair is an absolutely solid movie - if you are stacking it against other made for TV movies from the 80's. And thenLonesome Dovecame out and TV was changed forever. For the purpose of this podcast/blog -The Cartier

1:25:29

Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold -...

2020/11/24

Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone return with a few cast surprises and a completely different tone of movie than the first one. Give this one two tries at least. You might love it more if you see it again. Yes, we know. This isn't near as silly and bonkers as the first one. Yes we know that they recycled pieces from the first one, namely the music and a few shots. Yes we know that the city of gold reveal is pretty unimpressive. BUT.... There is something strange going on here. And it all comes

58:34

Coronasode 15 - The Beast of Teen Wolf

2020/11/20

This week on the show we expose (giggle) the penis in Teen Wolf, we reveal a VERY big announcement, reviews of Bloodshot and the entire Karate Kid series, one of Jackie's most sober Spookie, Clauzy gives us some Nonsensical November picks and Sando takes on photographers.

1:25:39

King Solomon's Mine - Adventure for Hire

2020/11/17

Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone team up in arguably the best/worst knockoff in film history and arguably Cannon Pictures most fun and most accessible project. Hashtag shenanigans to come. Campy, cheesy, corny, and whatever C words you can come up (no not that one) fit here. While clearly being an attempt to ride on the financial coattails of Indy, King Solomon's Mines departs greatly in tone. Its more of a Errol Flynn knockoff than anything with Harrison Ford in it. Sure, there is no

1:14:36

Sundown: You Better Take Care

2020/11/02

Despite it's own best attempts to keep it down, like its terrible VHS cover and misguided title, this western with vampires is an absolute must-do and instant classic. Can we finally have peace with the bloodsuckers? So the premise here is that vampires have been sent into hiding and chose a small town in the west called Purgatory to sit out the years in relatively quiet peace built by Count Mardulak (David Carradine). They've built their own factory to produce a blood substitute so that they don't

1:13:40

Hell of the Living Dead - Hold on to your lunch!

2020/10/26

It's a road trip movie with a cast of psychopaths through zombie infested forests, cannibalistic tribal villages, eclectic owners of mansions, and kittens who live in grandma's tummy. Rough to view in places and absolutely hilarious in others. Viewer beware - this is advanced class stuff. This movie comes with two major warnings: if you're burned out on zombies this one ain't gonna bring you back if you have eaten food in the last few days, prepare to vomit it in your lap Because Bruno

1:35:46

Witchery - Evil Dead 4?

2020/10/19

It'sEvil Dead part III (only in Italy) and has absolutely nothing to do with it. It also has nothing to do with Hoff being Hoff nor Linda Blair being Linda Blair. Nor does it have to do with a plot that makes any sense. Nor does it have to do with being enjoyable. Witchery(orLa Casa 4 in Italy - thus the sequel toEvil Dead)is the baffling tale of a fallen actress whom lives in an island hotel and becomes a witch at some point and then attempts to perform a ritual to either close the gates to Hell

1:06:02

Wish Upon - Hope you like Teen Witch

2020/10/13

Most will see this as a Monkey's Paw retell but it's really and truly just a recut ofTeen Witch but without all the singing and dancing and then they made it so much crappier...crappier thanTeen Witch. Yup. Some movies are prime for knocking off, right? See the endless list ofJaws andConan movies from late 70s and 80s. See any Roger Corman movie post-Star Wars. Sure, you won't work very hard on it and make just a few bucks but hey, that's easy money. So why in the hell does someone say let's mash

1:30:18

The Rift - Literally in an octopus' garden

2020/10/05

A NATO team of the least qualified sea-men (giggle) take the Beatle's submarine down to the depths of the sea and find some icky monsters, hungry starfish and love. Of course they do. So some might callthe Rift aLeviathanandDeep Star Six knockoff, but we see this as much more of anAliens knockoff, which becomes its fatal flaw. The plot is just so familiar and could take place in space just as easily as it does it under the sea. You've got the expedition into tunnels with an unknown monster patrol

1:15:58

Tango & Cash - Stinker Madness Rerun

2020/09/28

Two cops find love in each other's egos, while attempting to clear their names from a villainous plot to take over the world's salted caramel industry. Stallone and Russell team up for one of the raddest buddy cop dumb-dumb rollercoaster. It's shenanigans. This episode originally aired in January of 2017.

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