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PODCAST

The Crooked Wheel

The Crooked Wheel

The Crooked Wheel is a comedy site in the style of The Onion. It features fake news, fake ads, fake interviews, and fake reviews. It is not intended to be taken seriously. “The Crooked Wheel” was founded in 2022 by a group of degenerates. The site was originally intended as a general satire site, but soon became known for its fake news articles.

comedy

All Episodes

00:00:28

Mall Santa Arrested For Stealing From Children

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/10/06

SANTA FE, NM—Santa Claus was arrested Tuesday on charges of petty theft after mall security cameras caught him stealing candy canes from several children. "He's supposed to be the symbol of goodwill and giving," said Santa Fe police chief Rick Shelly. "What kind of role model is he if he steals from kids?" Shelly said that Santa was also suspected in a series of mall-parking lot break-ins last month. This episode is also available as a blog post:

en

00:00:40

We Can’t Afford to Lower Prices, says Drug Company...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/10/05

NEW YORK, NY—In an announcement that has sent shockwaves through the pharmaceutical industry, Bristol-Myers Squibb CEO Peter Dolan said in a press conference Friday that his company could not afford to lower prices on its drugs. "We're not in the business of losing money," said Dolan, whose company posted record profits last year. "We're looking at ways to make our drugs more affordable for patients, but we can't do it at the expense of our shareholders." Dolan's statement comes one day after Pfizer

en

00:01:05

Military Conflicts Now To Be Resolved on Football Field

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/10/04

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—In a joint statement issued from the Iraqi capital, the governments of the United States, Great Britain, and Iraq announced Tuesday that all current military conflicts in the region would henceforth be resolved on the field of play. "We believe that football is a game of honor and integrity, and we wish to settle our differences in a manner befitting such a noble game," said U.S. Army Lt. Col. James Phelan, who added that all U.S. troops will be issued football uniforms and helmets

en

00:00:45

Your Car’s GPS Tells You To Go To A Place That’s Been...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/10/04

TEMPE, AZ—Informing you that you had arrived at your destination, your car’s GPS system reportedly told you to go to a place that has been closed for a year, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Your destination is on the right,” the navigation system stated while displaying an image of a building that was shut down in May 2018. “Destination will be on your left.” According to sources, the GPS then displayed several options for alternate routes, all of which led to places that had been shut down for months

en

00:00:32

Birds Are Going To Be The Next Big Thing

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/10/03

NEW YORK, NY—According to a report released Monday by the National Endowment for the Arts, birds are going to be the next big thing. "From bird-themed jewelry to bird-patterned wallpaper to bird-shaped cookie cutters, it seems that everything is going to be birds," NEA chairman Dana Gioia said. "And not just any birds, but cute little baby birds." Gioia added that he expects to see a whole lot of bird-themed T-shirts, including ones with pictures of birds on them. This episode is also available

en

00:01:13

Animorphs Revealed To Be A Series Of Horrifically...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/10/02

SANTA ANA, CA—In a shocking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the children’s literature community, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Animorphs series of books is actually a series of horrifically violent video games. “We are still working to uncover all the details, but what we do know is that after reading a book in the series, children can insert a CD-ROM into their CD-ROM drive and then use their CD-ROM controller to morph into an animal and engage in bloody, gory battles against

en

00:00:43

Superpowers Would Actually be Quite Complicated

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/10/01

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—According to sources, if one were to suddenly acquire superpowers, the experience would be quite complicated and difficult to adjust to. “I don’t know how you’d even begin to deal with having super strength or the ability to fly,” said local man and non-super human Michael Gannon, who noted that he can barely handle his own life without also having to worry about being able to lift cars or fly through the air. “I mean, I barely have time for my wife and kids as it is; I don’t know

en

00:00:32

Local Stand-Up Comedian Gives Up On Life

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/10/01

CHICAGO, IL—After a year of struggling to make ends meet as a stand-up comedian, local performer Brian Kline has given up on life, sources reported Tuesday. "I've been doing this for a year now, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere," said Kline, who has been sleeping on the couch of a friend's apartment. "I'm going to go back to school and get my master's degree in something." Kline said he hopes his new career will allow him to meet a nice girl and start a family. This episode is also available as a

en

00:01:05

Kids Are Reportedly Participating in a Dangerous New...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/30

NEW YORK, NY—Claiming that the activity poses a serious threat to the health and safety of children across the nation, a report released Thursday by the American Academy of Pediatrics warned that a dangerous new trend called “sleeping” is gaining popularity among kids. “While we’ve always known that kids engage in dangerous activities such as running, jumping, and playing outside, we were shocked to discover that many of them are spending their nights sleeping,” said researcher Dr. Elizabeth Haddix,

en

00:00:38

Yogurt is Not a Fruit

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/30

WASHINGTON, DC—A federal judge ruled Monday that yogurt is not a fruit, but rather a dairy product. "Yogurt is not a fruit because it does not have seeds," Judge Henry T. Hargreaves said. "Also, it is not a fruit because it is not grown on a tree." Yogurt was brought to trial on charges of impersonating a fruit, and was convicted by the jury of 12 yogurt-flavored sherbets. The ruling comes as a blow to the nation's yogurt industry, which has been under fire for years for its misleading labeling

en

00:00:53

Local Onion Reseller Pays For His Sins By Donating To...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/29

KNOXVILLE, TN—In an effort to atone for his past transgressions, local onion reseller Rick Hargrove reportedly paid for his sins Thursday by donating to the Knoxville Area Food Pantry. “I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, but I’m hoping this will help make up for it,” said Hargrove, who dropped off a bag of donated onions at the food pantry’s front desk, adding that he hoped his contribution would help feed the hungry in the area. “I used to be a big onion dealer and would drive around town

en

00:00:41

Local Principal Finds He Can’t Even Remember What He...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/29

CHICAGO, IL—Saying that he was pretty sure he had been in the middle of doing something, local principal Brian Phelan told reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t quite remember what it was he was supposed to be doing right now. “I know I was supposed to be doing something, but for the life of me, I can’t recall what it was,” said Phelan, adding that whatever it was probably wasn’t too important anyway and that he should probably just forget about it. “I think I had a few things to do today, but now

en

00:00:30

Local Electronics Salesman Hasn’t Been Able To Get...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/28

BAY CITY, MI–Ronald "Ron" Hockenstater, a Bay City-area electronics salesman, has not been able to achieve an erection since his wife found out about his affair with another woman. "I'm just not able to get it up," Hockenstater said. "I've tried everything: Viagra, Cialis, even that penis-enlargement cream. Nothing works." Hockenstater's wife of 15 years, Linda, said she is not surprised by the news. This episode is also available as a blog post:

en

00:00:57

Local Chef Offers Free Lunch To Anyone Who Can Name...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/27

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In an effort to promote his signature style and encourage diners to try something new, local chef and owner of the Blue Plate Restaurant, Jeff Talbot, reportedly offered free lunch to anyone who could name all five of his favorite ingredients. “All you have to do is tell me what my five favorite ingredients are, and you’ll get a free meal on me,” said Talbot, who added that he would also award a $50 gift card to anyone who could tell him what his favorite seasonings were. “I’m not

en

00:00:54

Local Chicken Wrangler Says He’s Never Seen Anything...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/26

TOPEKA, KS—Stressing that he wasn’t sure what to make of the recent changes he had observed, local chicken wrangler Clint Henson told reporters Monday that he had never seen anything like this before. “They used to be pretty dumb, but now they’re acting real smart—they can almost think for themselves,” said Henson, who added that the chickens had been getting “curiouser and curiouser” since springtime and were now capable of learning new tricks.“ They used to just run around in circles and cluck

en

00:00:50

Mayonnaise Factory Reveals New ‘Mayonnaise-Flavored’...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/25

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/26/mayonnaise-factory-reveals-new-mayonnaise-flavored-mayonnaise/ NEW YORK, NY—In an effort to diversify its product line and appeal to a wider audience, the Hellmann’s Mayonnaise Company unveiled its new “Mayonnaise-Flavored” mayonnaise Monday. “Our new mayonnaise-flavored mayonnaise is tangy and creamy with just a hint of mayonnaise flavor,” said company spokesperson Janice Kowalski, adding that the new mayo-based

en

00:00:52

Local Superheroes Organizing Massive Protest Against...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/25

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/27/local-superheroes-organizing-massive-protest-against-supervillains/ NEW YORK, NY—Calling for all costumed crimefighters to assemble in Times Square at noon tomorrow, local superheroes from across the tri-state area are reportedly organizing a massive protest against supervillains. “We’ve had it with these supervillains and their constant harassment of ordinary citizens, and we’re not going to take it anymore,” said

en

00:00:59

Local Karaoke Machine Repairman Finds Secret Document...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/24

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/28/local-karaoke-machine-repairman-finds-secret-document-in-machine/ HONOLULU, HI—After opening up a malfunctioning karaoke machine for repairs Monday, local repairman Tom Kwan discovered a top-secret CIA document hidden inside the machine. “I’ve never seen anything like this before—it’s a highly classified document from the CIA detailing the agency’s plans to assassinate a high-ranking terrorist leader,” said Kwan,

en

00:00:50

Sea Bass In Ocean Have No Idea What’s Happening To Them

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/24

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/29/sea-bass-in-ocean-have-no-idea-whats-happening-to-them/ OCEANS OF THE WORLD—Gasping as they struggled to stay afloat in their rapidly warming waters, the ocean’s sea bass confirmed Monday that they have no idea what is happening to them. “We’re not sure what’s going on, but it feels like we’re being lifted up and tossed around by the waves, and we’re really scared,” said a school of sea bass who had gathered

en

00:01:03

A Secretive Group Of Billionaires Gather To Plot How...

The Crooked Wheel ·

2022/09/23

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/31/a-secretive-group-of-billionaires-gather-to-plot-how-to-take-over-the-world/ NEW YORK, NY—In a dimly lit conference room deep within the bowels of the New York Federal Reserve Bank, a secret cabal of the world’s wealthiest billionaires convened Friday to plot how they could take over the world. “We have amassed unprecedented wealth and power, and now is the time to use it to bring every nation under our control,”

en

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