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PODCAST

Hard Choices

From the creators of Smash Fiction, it"s horniness meets science! We examine a fictional universe and rank the f*ckability of the characters to determine the true median on our collective boner scale. Who exactly is the middle of the pack in Lord of the Rings? Who is the middle ground of sexiness in the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Just where does the horniness middle fall in Game of Thrones? We bring together a diverse array of sexualities, rank the characters, crunch the numbers, and find out truly

comedy

All Episodes

07:23

Hard Choices LIVE at Rose City Comic Con!

Hard Choices ·

2023/07/16

Hard Choices is coming to Portland, Oregon for Rose City Comic Con, September 22-24th! We'll pass on the information about the day and time as soon as we find out when we'll be performing. I'll update again here and on the Hard Choices social media! It's brand new and I'm still figuring some of it out, but come say hi! Twitter Instagram TikTok

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02:15:02

Hard Choices 25 - Gargoyles

Hard Choices ·

2023/06/17

In 1994, Disney's Gargoyles glided into the preteen hearts of the afternoon cartoon crowd, appealing to us in ways we wouldn't fully comprehend for years to come: its borrowings from Shakespeare, for example, and the unfamiliar yearning that Demona's loincloth made us feel. Nearly thirty years later, we are no longer children, and we have put away childish things in favor of podcasts about childish things. At last, we're ready to engage the undeniable horniness of this 90's cartoon and imagine what

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02:12:57

Bad Choices 1 - Looney Tunes (Public Edition)

Hard Choices ·

2023/06/15

Chuck Jones and Mel Blanc couldn't have guessed what we'd do when we got our hands on their creations. To be honest, I'm not sure we could have guessed either. That's the power of alcohol! Join Annie Craton, Dan Mulkerin, Kris Newton, and MeganBob for a Chungus of an episode that's full of bad choices. The takes are more explosive than a warehouse full of Acme products and the descent into drunken chaos will leave you satisfied in ways that not even the Tazmanian Devil himself could match. For your

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01:20:19

Hard Choices 24 - Clue (C)

Hard Choices ·

2023/05/31

You arrive at the opulent podcast of Mr. MeganBob to find yourself surrounded by three of their most dubious acquaintances: Dan Mulkerin, Lillian Carlisle, and Kris Newton. Apparently, they've all been summoned to rank the fuckability of characters from the classic mystery board game (and cult film) Clue. However, something seems... off. These hosts are keeping secrets, and when foul play disrupts the evening, the suspects' stories don't quite add up. It's as though one or all of these shady

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02:13:39

Hard Choices 23 - Magic The Gathering: Planeswalkers

Hard Choices ·

2023/04/30

It's time to leave the battlefield and enter the bedroom, because this episode of Hard Choices sees our hosts visiting the wide and wild multiverse of Magic: the Gathering! We've got elves, gorgons, vampires, golems, dragons, and more--and all of them are DTF! We've drawn Claire, Dan, Kit, and Meganbob to ask: Which characters are we putting into the command zone of our boners? Which are we consigning to the graveyard of our disinterest? And, perhaps most importantly, which color of Magic can

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02:05:10

Hard Choices 22 - The Tarot Major Arcana

Hard Choices ·

2023/03/31

The Tarot! The mystery and magic of life's journey have never been so adeptly captured in any other collection of cards, except maybe Yu-Gi-Oh. In this episode, three spirits penetrate the Tarot's mystery and make some magic as they rank the fuckability of the Major Arcana. Dan Mulkerin weaves tales of infuriatingly excellent and crushingly mediocre fucks; Kris Newton, safely deceased and heedless of privacy, interprets the cards in light of his personal sexual history; and MeganBob sacrifices their

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02:04:55

Medians - Season One

Hard Choices ·

2023/02/26

Webster's dictionary defines 'median' as "a value in an ordered set of values below and above which there is an equal number of values." Webster's dictionary doesn't define 'fuckability' because Webster was a nerd. Do you know who isn't a nerd? The four guests who stepped up to tackle every single median that Hard Choices has fucked its way through. Dan Mulkerin, Kit, Zadkiel, and MeganBob round up every median from the past 21 episodes of Hard Choices and give them a second chance in the sack. If

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01:49:09

Hard Choices 21 - Dragonlance

Hard Choices ·

2023/02/02

Gather round, heroes, and hear tell of the largest swords, roundest orbs, and hottest dragons ever seen in the land of Krynn! Experienced adventurers Meganbob, Miles, and Dan are joined by level 1 neophyte Neal Butler--but worry not, Neal is a dirty min-maxer and has no trouble keeping up with the horny analysis all four hosts bring to this special episode. Which Hero of the Lance captures our hearts and boners, and which are we abandoning to the Abyss? What sorts of books does Astinus the

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02:19:27

Hard Choices 20 - Hades

Hard Choices ·

2023/01/01

You may escape the heart of the underworld, boy, but you will never escape the throbbing heart of horniness! In fact, this might be the horniest episode of Hard Choices ever, as Annie Craton, Claire Mulkerin, and Zadkiel join MeganBob in ranking the fuckability of the gods and legends from Hades, the roguelike from Supergiant Games. They start with the median and work their way down to the nadir, but then the drama aeschylates quickly as they work their way up to the zenith, where each host sings

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02:10:46

Hard Choices 19 - Batman Villains

Hard Choices ·

2022/11/30

Attention, citizens of Gotham! We regret to inform you that the inhabitants of Arkham Asylum roam your streets tonight, and that your beloved hero Batman will not be coming to your rescue! But you know who WILL be coming? That's right, it's tonight's Hard Choices hosts! We may not have a lifetime of martial arts training and a belt full of strongly themed gadgets, but if being a hero means having to fuck our way to victory over every last one of these costumed weirdos, then Meganbob, James D'Amato,

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02:22:46

Hard Choices 18 - Movie Monsters

Hard Choices ·

2022/10/31

Halloween is just Valentine's Day for monsterfuckers, and a very horny Halloween it is too! To celebrate the bounty of the season, our hosts gathered up 21 of the most hair-raising horrors ever committed to screen and ranked their fuckability using the only hard science that really counts. MeganBob is joined by experienced monster-loving mavens Stella Cheeks and Lillian Carlisle, along with Kris Newton, who is only just beginning this journey towards being claimed by that which goes bump in the

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01:53:22

Hard Choices 17 - Mascots

Hard Choices ·

2022/10/13

It is I, the Hamburglar! Where is MeganBob? Safe and content, I assure you. True, after they plumbed the depths of their desire for commercial mascots in this episode, I whisked them away to my personal playplace in a secluded corner of McDonaldland. But, for once, I have not played the villain -- even I cannot robble what is freely given. Still, they are indisposed, so there will be no episode description today, but rather a cautionary tale. In this episode, Meganbob, Hub, Kit, and James D'Amato

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02:13:24

Hard Choices 16 - The Muppets

Hard Choices ·

2022/09/01

You know, when MeganBob suggested this episode, a lot of the other hosts thought they were joking. Not one to be discouraged, they found three erotic galaxy brains willing to make a "Rainbow Connection" with The Muppets. What on earth is going to happen when you get three impassioned Muppet fans together to try and find the median of Muppet f*ckability? Well, it goes a lot like an episode of The Muppet Show. Join James D'Amato, Kris Newton, Crys, and MeganBob on a quest to get "felt" up by every

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01:36:34

Hard Choices 15 - Nicolas Cage Characters

Hard Choices ·

2022/08/02

Happy Cagemas in...Well, let's call it July overtime, shall we? Sure, it's a cynical cash-grab to double up on Cagemas by doing Cagemas in July, but we never apologize for double-stuffing here on Hard Choices. Let's be honest, we all want to talk about boning Nic Cage characters. That's just the human condition. Five of the former hosts of the Smash Fiction podcast gathered together to live the dream. Stands are taken for wizards, spiders, truckers, writers, chefs, you name it. If you're expecting

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01:33:05

Hard Choices 14 - Final Fantasy VI

Hard Choices ·

2022/07/02

In our unending quest to understand fuckability, the Hard Choices crew plucked out a list of notable characters from the Nintendo masterpiece Final Fantasy VI and got down to some fantasizing of our own. Claire Mulkerin, Dan Mulkerin, Alex Roberts, and MeganBob explore an entire floating continent's worth of boners in our search for the median of fuckability in the FFVI universe. We found an indisputable median, but along the way we also delved into blunt himbos, the outfit Kefka makes you wear,

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01:57:36

Hard Choices 13 - Musicals

Hard Choices ·

2022/06/03

Some mediums are just too fuckable. Can you really walk past an orchestra pit, playbill in hand, and not feel a stirring in your loins? We didn't think so! That's why we gathered 21 notable characters from stage and screen musicals and sat down to rank their fuckability with a level of precision and rigor that would make a Sondheim song look like child's play. Hub, Claire, Miles, and MeganBob journey through a wide array of musical history and hit a lot of the highlights and lowlights with this

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01:59:37

Hard Choices 12 - Doctor Who

Hard Choices ·

2022/04/30

Welcome to a very timey wimey episode where we take the entire long history of the Doctor Who franchise and do to it what Jack Harkness only wishes he could. We gathered up 21 characters from a wide spread of old and new Who and sat down in our best fezes and converse to rank the fuckability of all that time and space had to offer in our attempt to find the median of fuckability in the Doctor Who universe. Thankfully, our companions were up to the task. Jaime Smith, Sharon Schneiderman, Kris Newton,

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01:44:30

Hard Choices 11 - The Mummy Trilogy

Hard Choices ·

2022/03/31

1999 called and it says "hey babe, remember me?" and yes, yes we do. We remember the exact moment when The Mummy first crashed into our lives and touched us in ways we couldn't yet fully articulate. Rick, Evey, Ardeth, all of them, swept us off our feet and we've stayed swept ever since. This universe has some of the crème de la crème of fuckable characters but it also has some real bad eggs in there too. Annie Craton, Kit, Kam Servo, and MeganBob gathered up 21 characters from The Mummy trilogy

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01:28:25

Hard Choices 10 - Disney Villains

Hard Choices ·

2022/02/28

It may be too late in February for Valentine's Day, but it's never too late for Villaintine's Day. That's right, we brought together four "Poor Unfortunate Souls" and asked them to rank the fuckability of 21 villains from the Disney animated canon. All we can say is "Be Prepared" because we will not stop until we get to the median of fuckability. And what happens when you ask Kris Newton, Kit, Marissa, and MeganBob to brave the "Hellfire" in their deepest darkest hearts like this? Well, you find

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01:41:15

Hard Choices 9 - Mortal Kombat

Hard Choices ·

2022/01/30

Hold onto your sharply brimmed hats, it's MORTAL KOMBAT! Kam Servo, Miles Schneiderman, Dan Mulkerin, and MeganBob are one step ahead of Outworld in this episode, but the true destination for Hard Choices is always "The NetherRealm". Straight from the scantily klad arcade art of our youths, we rank 21 Mortal Kombat kharacters in an attempt to separate the kolor-swapped filler from the ones that make us say "Get over here!". We kover it all from animalities to Zaterrans and leave nothing untouched

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