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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

02:22:54

Enchanted Arms Part 4: Sweats, Dunce, Pomp and Lil Guy

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/06/23

Enchanted Arms Part 4: Sweats, Dunce, Pomp and Lil Guy Square Roots - Episode 469 Quest Log: 33:48 Level Up: 01:57:00 We're back on our nonsense! And that nonsense is both the FROM SOFTWARE classic Enchanted Arms *and* the English 80s girl band quintet Toto Coelo. Did Yuki commit the Perfect Crime getting that flute back from the rich old talk show host? Is the secret motivation behind Oboro kidnapping all the women in Kyoto City because they eat cannibal? It's Spy Versus Spy when it turns out that

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01:28:41

2025: Most Anticipated Games!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/06/16

2025 Most Anticipated Games! Square Roots - Episode 468 We're taking the week off, which somehow ended up with recording an hour and a half episode where we look through the upcoming games of 2025 and decide which we're into and which we're all like "no thanks, bro!" Some games that piqued our interest: * Middle Earth Trad-Wife Simulator * The Definitely Going To Release In October Vampire The Masquerade Bloodlines 2 * Husky Middle Aged Man Child Tries To Walk * Garfield Kart 2: All You Can Drift *

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02:23:18

Enchanted Arms Part 3: Cowboys & Plow Boys

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/06/09

Enchanted Arms Part 3: Cowboys & Plow Boys Square Roots - Episode 467 Quest Log: 33:01 Level Up: 02:01:47 She's from [STATE REDACTED]! And he's from Florida! And HE's from Vancouver! She drinks Chamblee! He drinks IPAs! And the other he drinks Diet Pepsis, and that's okay! Nerd girls & Gator Boys & Canadian Bears, some good ol' podcastairs! All three take the time to go through Enchanted Arms's stairs! Boy, they love a FROM SOFTWARE game! Yeah, we got different tastes, live in different states, but

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02:23:20

Enhanted Arms Part 2: The Guy Who Is Always Stuck At...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/06/02

Enhanted Arms Part 2: The Guy Who Is Always Stuck At Just Friends Square Roots - Episode 466 Quest Log: 04:00 Level Up: 01:45:25 Welcome to London! Sure, it kind of looks like an old Tooter village, but it's actually one of the only cities on this big island we call earth! But we need to take the short walk back to Yokohama, which makes sense in this game. We're playing Enchanted Arms! By FROM SOFTWARE! Everyone loves FROM! Also: * Totally A Steiner * She's Going to Join the Party, Matt * My Only

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02:46:41

Enhanted Arms Part 1: Bang-Maid

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/05/26

Enhanted Arms Part 1: Bang-Maid Square Roots - Episode 464 Quest Log: 28:40 Level Up: 02:32:46 Dust off saxophone and charge up your magical arm, it's time for Enchanted Arms! Get it! Enchanted ARMS? Because his arm is enchanted! We discover all the little ways that Miyazaki put lil pieces of Dark and Demon's Souls into this FROM SOFTWARE turn-based JRPG! Also: DL Free Workaholics Non-Joke Whiteboard Take The Night Off, Grandpa It Was An Act Of Generosity And Love I want to give him a little pizza

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02:22:04

Grim Fandango Part 2: Johnny Troublehands

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/05/19

Grim Fandango Part 2: Johnny Troublehands Square Roots - Episode 464 Quest Log: 27:11 Level Up: 01:49:50 Who do you call when life gives you trouble? JOHNNY TROUBLEHANDS! And he's joined by Matthew Dangerfist! Jim Blazin! And Vanessa Deathteeth! And we finish the LucasArts adventure classic, Grim Fandango! Is Grim a sociopath? Is Glottis better off without him? Was Meche right in holding him at gun point? YES! Also: The Clicker Genre "And Yet I'm Not." Source: Vanessa A Towel Made of Fruit Roll-Up

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02:36:19

Grim Fandango Part 1: A Mnemonic Tube

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/05/12

Grim Fandango Part 1: A Mnemonic Tube Square Roots - Episode 463 Quest Log: 29:00 Level Up: 02:05:00 Welcome to the BONE ZONE! This week on the Bone Zone we're checking out LucasArts's pinnacle of adventure gaming, Grim Fandango. In it you start as a reaper, which Matthew informs us is named Grim Fandango. Join these Hep Cats as we get people murdered, trick penguins, and abuse the trust of your man-child elemental buddy. Also: A Little Tiny Computer! Nice Meche! Matt's Wild and Wacky Florida Tour

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02:18:47

Grandia II Part 6: The Birthplace of the Gods Was A...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/05/05

Grandia II Part 6: The Birthplace of the Gods Was A Research Facility Square Roots - Episode 462 Quest Log: 28:40 Level Up: 01:48:15 GOTCHA! The Birthplace of the Gods was a research facility, which definitely means that Granas and Valmar were scientists who got turned into gods, and weren't aliens. With the Birthplace of the Gods being a research facility my logic is flawless and Matthew, who still needs to mail me ten dollars, is left speechless as we finish GameArts's classic JRPG! Also: We All

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02:23:20

Grandia II Part 5: Mareg's Bara Tiddies!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/04/28

Grandia II Part 5: Mareg's Bara Tiddies! Square Roots - Episode 461 Level Up Starts at 01:53:00 Johnny gets to see Mareg's big manly chest in a pre-rendered cutscene, and he does NOT shut up about it throughout this episode. Sure, the Dreamcast game's pre-rendered cutscenes have the look of 1996's Tekken 2, and the scene is bizarrely animated, but Johnny hasn't been on a date in a while so give him a break. Oh yeah, this week in GameArts's Grandia II we also discover a sword that may have a second

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02:26:41

Grandia II Part 4: Droppin' Hot Yomis

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/04/21

Grandia II Part 4: Droppin' Hot Yomis Square Roots - Episode 460 Level Up Starts at 01:51:00 It's Straight Night this week on Square Roots! That's right, the gay is gone, so it's just Matthew, Jim, and Vanessa. Finally they can get to the straight truth: they love being in traffic. Also they played some more Grandia II, this time in a beefy chunker that takes them from a princely mystery to shrimp island and finally the protagonist Ryudo's home town! Also: Matt Gets Weirdly Aggro About His Vote

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02:36:08

Grandia II Part 3: Bursting Through the Doors of the...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/04/14

Grandia II Part 3: Bursting Through the Doors of the St Heim Inn Square Roots - Episode 459 Level Up Starts at 02:08:00 This time on Square Roots Jim's off on an adventure, so it's just Vanessa, Johnny and Matthew trying to sort out what they got wrong about Switch II news this week. But things get weird in this chunk of Game Arts's Grandia II, where we put down a little girl who has been giving a magical third eye, meet a religious fundamentalist who Johnny suspects is gonna be a villain, and

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02:36:18

Grandia II Part 2: The Gen-X Cheech and Chong

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/04/07

Grandia II Part 2: The Gen-X Cheech and Chong Square Roots - Episode 458 Level Up Starts at 01:55:00 Johnny asks a question that may make you spit out your drink, be warned. Do not drink any liquids while listening to this episode. But anyway! Grandia II! Game Arts's zany adventure gets into gear: you've got the evil brother, a dark secret buried under a town, and 1910s style racism! Plus we talk about the Switch 2 reveal for a long time. Also: Mouse Control Nintendo Spy Cam First Nintendo Game With

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02:29:45

Grandia II Part 1: Max Load

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/03/31

Grandia II Part 1: Max Load Square Roots - Episode 457 Level Up Starts at 01:58:30 Are you ready to dive back into the exciting world of Game Arts's Grandia on this exciting new chapter of Square Roots? We ask all the important questions, like what is a geohound? A guy looking for rocks? A risk breaker? A dog looking for rocks? We can't be sure, but we do know one thing: Ryudo is a big ol' asshole. Hopefully this is setting him up for a Zidane style JRPG character arc. Also: A Little Baby Bird Sega

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02:21:47

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 5: Stevie...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/03/24

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 5: Stevie Knicks, You're Going To Jail Square Roots - Episode 456 Level Up Starts at 01:57:45 We speed towards the finale of Sonical Chronicles by BioWare, fast like a hedgehog through a loop-de-loop. Does Sonic nail the landing? Or is he all out of rings? Vanessa, Johnny and Matthew debate the pros and cons and finally decide: are they Squarely Against or Roundly For this speedy rodent adventure? Also: I Can Be Any Kind of Hulk I Wanna Be, It's 2017 Not

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02:36:14

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 4: Bon Vi...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/03/17

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 4: Bon Vi Von Square Roots - Episode 455 Level Up Starts at 01:38:00 Finally the whole squad is back for an episode where we are definitely very good at staying on topic as we get to the strange sci-fi worlds of Chapter 7 and 8 of Sonical Chronicles! There's rock men, goo men, and even robomen! But not Eggman, he stayed home. Also: An Exhaustive Explanation of Julius Pringles Hot Rahul Kohli News Vanessa's Tight Five on Hit Single Your Love Pan's Just For

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01:45:03

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 3: The...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/03/10

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 3: The Return of Boys Night Square Roots - Episode 454 Level Up Starts at 01:15:30 With Vanessa out at a show or something, it's another BOYS NIGHT! So gather round, crack open a beer, and name your favourite monster trucks with us as we play through two more chapters of Sonical Chronicles! There's meatbag hating robots! Annoying drones! Super cool ninja echidnas! Also: Never Forget What Sonic Did To Metropolis Zone The Grandia Problem Strikes Back

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02:13:06

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 2: A Chat...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/03/03

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 2: A Chat About Eggs, Man Square Roots - Episode 453 Level Up Starts at 01:39:00 Jim's out on a date, so we're gonna be a little insane on this episode Square Roots. Vanessa's on probation, Johnny's gone waffles crazy, and Matt does nothing but read books now. But we're playing what Vanessa calls a Gateway JRPG, Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood by BioWare. Vanessa is kind of Pokécurious, and the Chaos are somehow making it worse. And now we've got

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02:41:44

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 1: Charmy...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/02/24

Square Roots - Episode 452 Level Up Starts at 02:09:00 SEGA and BioWare form the ultimate dream team for our new season of Square Roots! That's right, we're tackling the Sonic RPG Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood and finally we get stylus based controls and dialogue trees in our sonic games! Plus this game has all sorts of deep cuts: there's Vector from Knuckles Chaotix on the 32X! Big the Cat! Cream! Rouge the Bat! Who will be next? Fang the Sniper? Espio the Chameleon? The sky's the limit

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01:59:52

Thief: The Dark Project Part 5 - The Ratman Mystery

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/02/17

Square Roots - Episode 451 Level Up Starts at 01:27:30 We finally meet Matt's favourite friends, Thief: The Dark Project's Rat Men. Or... are they dinosaurs? This might seem like an easy question, but the more images we get of the supposed rat men, the more questions we have. Like: why do they have a forked tail? Are they monkeys? Why do they sound like Gollum? Also: Thief: The Woodsy Conspiracy The Fluffy Wuffy Sonic Boys The Coaster of the Goblin Soft Like A Woman The Terrible Results Of Our Vote

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01:33:24

Thief: The Dark Project Part 4 - A Very Whispery Mission

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/02/10

Thief: The Dark Project Part 4 - A Very Whispery Mission Square Roots - Episode 450 Level Up Starts at 01:20:30 This time even the DLC level is pretty great in this penultimate chunker of Thief! It's an eye-poppingly good time as we infiltrate the Hammerites, do chores for a ghost, and go for a surprise night at the opera. Also: - The Gene Shallot of Video Game Hosts - Further Adventures In Jim's Spider Revulsion - Inside Your Mind - Operatic Exposition - It's Not the Lost City, It's *A* Lost City

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